What’s a knockout like you doing in a computer generated gin bar like this? (AKA 11001001)

Martha: Does this count as a holodeck episode?

Cindee: Not to me. The holodeck is involved, but it’s not the plot.

Martha: I disliked Riker this episode, honestly I didnt enjoy this episode all that much…

Cindee: I didn’t say you would!

Martha: Although i would like a “personal relaxation light” if you know what I mean…. seriously, what does it mean?

Cindee: Um. Wut.

Martha: You’re too busy looking at the bigger existential picture Cindee!!

Cindee: That is usually true

Martha: When they get to the big space station thats what Picard says he wants to do, put on his personal relaxation light and read a novel.

Cindee: I see

Martha: Worf and Yar are off playing ‘parrises squares’. I imagine many people are dead as Worf is taking it very seriously.

Cindee: Yeah why does Riker wander about the ship and see all the supporting characters before the main action? Perhaps so the actors don’t feel left out.

Martha: Hahahah! Yes Riker absolutely does go on a random wander just to check everyone has a job. Data is painting. Crusher is solving a disease. Troi doesn’t fucking exist.

Cindee: Yeah Data is always making paintings, I’m not sure what is up with that.

Martha: So Riker can make ‘hilarious’ quips about the blind man teaching the android to paint!

Cindee: Oh wow that’s nice and ableist. As for parrises squares, they always talk about it but never explain how it is played. Like they talk about it in all three series. Apparently it is really dangerous, though. Anyway my ride is here, I have to go…

Martha: Thats fine. I will just stew over Riker’s paint by numbers hot chick.

*interlude of solace and despair whilst Martha contemplates why she is doing this, and if Cindee will ever return*

Cindee: Where were we…

Martha: Okay! Let me get my notes!

Cindee: You took NOTES?

Martha: I take notes every episode. Otherwise I forget the good quotes SUCH AS ‘What’s a knockout like you doing in a computer generated gin bar like this?’

Cindee: What are you talking about, that’s a great pickup line. That’s how my husband and I met. He said that to me.

Martha: I hope he was leaning against something at the time

Cindee: Well, like Riker, he is a tall man.

Martha: Do we find it creepy that Riker had the holodeck rustle up his perfect physical woman?

Cindee: I find it creepy whenever a character has some sort of romance with a holodeck character

Martha: And then Picard walks in! It’s the equivalent of walking in on someone with a sex doll… but its totally normal! Yeah it’s super creepy especially as she knows exactly what she is too (unlike, I assume, the other holodeck characters?)

Cindee: Yeah most don’t, usually when they figure it out, we’ve got a damn holodeck episode on our hands.

Martha: Also I can really do without Riker playing the trombone. This is why it felt like a holodeck episode to me as it was fully of stupid holodeck stuff alongside the real world plot.

CIndee: Well. I’ve got some REALLY bad news for you. It’s one of his main character traits. There’s this one episode where Crusher is describing everyone, and that’s like the first thing she says about him.

Martha: Seriously?! The TROMBONE urgh. Okay I’m out Cindee. I WAS PROMISED SPACE ADVENTURE. BOLDY GOING WHERE NO MAN HAS GONE BEFORE. Not fucking trombones!!!

Cindee: Do you have something against trombones in particular, characters have to have personality traits for Crusher to explain in that episode.

Martha: Riker has this slightly creepy smiley eye thing, and whilst blowing a trombone his sexy eyes at the lady was just… I can’t!

Creepy trombone eyes

Cindee: I keep telling you Martha, that’s how my husband and I met. STOP JUDGING US

Martha: So, potentially one of the worst almost disasters to happen to the ship so far, and where is Picard and his number one? ARSING ABOUT ON THE HOLODECK

Cindee: well, yes.

Martha: Typical. Like they’re upgrading the ship, they should not be on the ship, I don’t care if Riker is testing out the ‘upgrades’ get off the damn Enterprise!

Cindee: Well the bynars had it covered

Martha: I didnt mind that bit. They were okay. I don’t quite understand how Picard and Riker managed to download the planet back to the planet merely by looking at it, but that’s the least of my worries…

Cindee: Yeah I kinda like the Bynars themselves

Martha: Yeah they made sense overall. Plus they had snazzy information bum bags And who doesn’t love a bum bag?

Cindee: Is that a Britishism? Bum bag?

Martha: Hahaha yes. You call it a fanny pack. But a fanny is a vagina here. So we don’t call it that.

Cindee: oh wow. ok. This information will come in handy when I next visit England.

Martha: Hahah. Yes So yes we don’t mind the Bynars. I hope they don’t get in too much trouble from evil twin Picard.

Cindee: Evil twin Picard?

Martha: Yeah, the other bald captain who is like Picard’s evil twin because he has a beard. He also has a fancy name but I didn’t write it in my notes

Cindee: Dude. you’re thinking of TOS.

Martha: I am not I haven’t even seen it haha

Cindee: Where did you see this evil Picard?

Picard and his evil twin Quinteros

Martha: ITS LIKE A GODDAMN MIRROR

Cndee: Welp. I forgot about THAT. Fun fact: as established by the mirror universe Spock, in Star Trek, goatee = EVIL

Martha: See he’s evil Picard!

Cindee: Right that’s why at first I was like “is she thinking of TOS or what?” What is the point of that guy?

Martha: He’s just there to like, tell them a bit about the Bynars, and also tell Data and Yar there are no more ships to go help the Enterprise.

Cindee: Wait and Data and Yar don’t notice the damn goatee?

Martha: Well they can’t start distrusting Riker in 10 or so episodes. Plot twist, that’s evil Riker…

Cindee: No, he has a full board, not a goatee

Martha: Hahaha okay! Wesley kiiiinda saves the day. Well he tries. Turns out it’s all a false alarm anyway

Cindee: Right, cause they just want to borrow the ship to download their computer files. The Enterprise is thus a flying flash drive

Martha: It’s the only half decent ship in the galaxy. Despite them having problems with the holodeck…. you don’t say Picard!! I continue to like Data. He was good this episode, evacuated everyone, felt super guilty about everything. I like him

Cindee: Well they aren’t downloading their planet into the holodeck

Martha: Because the holodeck is simply a sexy distraction!

Cindee: No, its a death trap

Martha: Why don’t they just board it up after like, the second death. And be like just watch a fucking movie okay?!

Cindee: They never learn…

Martha: The historian is dead (RIP) Wesley unleashed a snowball virus. Riker has ghonnorhea…

Cindee: They keep using them and things keep going wrong all the way through Voyager, Seriously, someone get on those safety protocols or the Russians are going to hack them so easily.

Martha: So yeah, I wish they had concentrated more on the Bynars. Perhaps more info about them and their planet and the space station they docked at. And none of this sexy holodeck jazz brotherly nonsense

Cindee: brotherly?

Martha: Brothel. My phone keeps changing brothel to brother. That’s not good.

Cindee: Yes, you probably frequently talk about brothels, so this will be a serious problem in the future… Anyway at the end, doesn’t Riker go back to the holodeck and now she’s no good?

Martha:  Hahaha oh god yeah! Like I don’t get that, was Minuet like temporary? Why? How would that be a thing? And he tried ALL THE WOMEN but none were the same haha.

Cindee: I think the implication was that the Bynars had magically make the holodeck better, and now that they were gone it wasn’t again, which, why they’d take that away, I dunno.

Martha: Maybe because Riker was grossing them out. If I was Minuet I’d hot foot it out of the holodeck. Yeah like so she was a response to what he wanted whereas the holodeck normally just had pre programmed ‘characters’

Cindee: So, the holodeck read his damn mind?

Martha: Well he does say at some point she was saying exactly what he wanted her too. And Picard was saying how well she responded to… input. Poor Troi. No wonder she wasn’t in this episode!

Cindee: I sometimes wonder where Troi is when it would be handy for someone to be able to read people’s emotions… oh yeah doesn’t she talk in French to him?

Martha: Hahah yes she talks French to Picard…And Rikers all ‘hands off!!’ Haha

Cindee: Does HE say anything in french to indicate he is French, otherwise, why not just talk in a British accent.

Martha: No, she starts it from his name when he is introduced

Cindee: Oh, I see

Martha: But the holodeck isn’t healthy. No one will ever live up to Rikers perfect woman he created.

Cindee: I dunno, he seems to find other women to love

Martha: He’s a tart.

Cindee: A tart? Like, a pop tart?

Martha: Yes. A sexy pop tart.

Gong With The Wind (AKA Haven)

Cindee: Are you getting out your M and Ms?

Martha: Oh I’ve eaten them all. So I assumed they were going to tackle arranged marriage with their usual sledgehammer tact, and I was not disappointed!

Cindee: Ha, so, it starts off with that creepy talking box, yes?

Martha: Oh god yes. Clearly they spent all the CGI budget on disco ship and had nothing left for the box…

Cindee: When I think of this episode, I think of the creepy talking box, and my hate for Lwaxana Troi…

Martha: The box spilled out a bunch of gems in a really awkward way, like those glitter bombs. Who’s gonna clean that up!?

Cindee: Wesley, maybe?

Martha: Well! That explains where Wesley is, cleaning up, cos is he fuck invited to the wedding!

Cindee: You can’t invite a 15 year old to a naked wedding.

Martha: Oh it was a naked wedding? They hardly every mentioned that…

Cindee: Well the wedding never happened…

Martha: I was being sarcastic

Cindee: OH

Martha: Lwaxana’s dialogue was mostly:
The wedding is naked
Do you want to see me naked?
I know you want to see me naked
Your husband wants to see me naked!
Which of these accessories will look better when I’m naked?
Do you like my hair? It’ll look better when I’m naked
And I’m not even exaggerating!

Cindee: I fucking hate that woman

Martha: Yeah I see your annoyance, but are you as annoyed as Deanna? Do you want to punch a gong out of your way and storm off?

Cindee: I want to punch someone most days, so

Martha: I liked that her party outfit was her work outfit but glittery. But at least she HAD a party outfit!

Cindee: Yeah it is super bizarre that they wear their uniforms like all the time

Martha: Yar made her hair fancy! And so did Crusher. I thought for a second that’s who Wyatt was drawing. Oh and Yar is all ‘woooah you get married NAKED’ Trust Yar.

Cindee: Are we really going to talk about everyone’s hair? Cause then I’m out.

Martha: Only cos you like Picard, and he has no hair.

Cindee: He has a little. Also, I like Dr. Crusher and she has hair. I just don’t give a shit about it.

Martha: It’s only because I thought she fancied it up to look like Wyatt’s pictures. But it wasn’t her. It was the residents of disco ship

Cindee: Why are you calling their ship disco ship?

Martha: Cos it’s having a goddamn rave! It’s got fancy lights like a disco and everyone in it has an infectious disease. Just like a real disco.

Cindee: Alright, you win. Disco ship. The resemblance is not as uncanny as the pokeballs though.

Martha: Only cos we don’t have discoships and I have a patent pending before you try.

Cindee: Ok, so my question, how the hell are these people and Lwaxanna old friends. They seem to hate each other!

Martha: Wasn’t it supposed to be more a friend of Troi’s dad? But yeah you can’t imagine them double dating! Anyway I’m guessing Troi’s father s dead?

Cindee: Everyone’s father is fucking dead!!

Martha: Haha! Well! You mentioned about her random accent she chose. On this her mum says she got it from her dad!!
‘Quick! Explain the accent disparity’

Cindee: Majel couldn’t do “British person badly doing American” or whatever the hell we’re gonna call Troi’s initial accent. That’s the only thing I can think to call it. I don’t think she WAS trying to do an American accent, but she sounds like a British person trying to sound American. Maybe her father was British but wished he was American

Martha: I’m sure I read the actress has some Greek parentage…

Cindee: Yeah her accent is just British though, I know because eventually the actress gets lazy and reverts back to her British accent

Martha: Here is Picard’s musings on arranged marriage

‘… it seems to me that she has become trapped by a custom of her home world which the facts of the twenty-fourth century have made unwise and unworkable. I wish I could intervene.’

Cindee: Oh Picard. Cultural relativity is not really their thing early on, is it

Martha: Hahaha well maybe they felt that they’d covered racism and sexism, so now it was religion’s turn!

Cindee: I never got the sense that it was a religious thing

Martha: I guess thats just what I associate with arranged marriage

Cindee: Riker talks about ‘habits of the beasts’ which I don’t want to know about and appears to have used the holodeck purely to create a rock to lean on. My google image searches have made me very aware of the Riker lean and he really gets into the Riker lean this episode. There’s at least 3 ponderous exaggerated leans.

Cindee: You mean his thinking face?

Martha: Well it’s not just the face. It’s his whole body

Cindee: Lol ok

Martha: So Troi flounces out, punches a gong, and goes out to have a chat with leaning Riker. In that time, they stop fighting in the hall, come to a detailed compromise about the wedding traditions, AND Wyatt even says he’s saw his dad practising NAKED in the mirror. Just how long was she gone?!

Cindee: You don’t practice being naked? I mean, it takes practice

Martha: Honestly I think I need practice haha. ALSO Why does Lwaxana have a sentient fake plant. And why doesn’t her best friend know about them if they’re a betazoid ‘pet’
Targ > plastic plant

Cindee: What does the word “sentient” mean to you

Martha: Alive…

Cindee: Well, that’s silly, plants are alive

Martha: The dictionary says ability to feel or perceive. Are you saying plants don’t have feelings…

Cindee: Yes

Martha: And she like, makes it tickle her. It’s like a snake

Cindee: So then it’s not a plant…

Martha: Okay. Why does Lwaxana have a fake plastic plant that the Star Trek producers are telling me is an animal

Cindee: Lmao, to bother the other lady obvs!

Martha: Clearly haha. Picard is getting so much better. I enjoyed him weakly taking the bag away. I enjoyed him telling Data he was circling the room like a buzzard. I LAUGHED at ‘I was not amused’ at Lwaxanas ‘joke’!

Cindee: Picard can be a funny dude

Martha: He had some top class banter today.

Cindee: ok, so, what are your thoughts on the idea that these two lovebirds have been dreaming of each other all their lives?

Martha: Erm, stupid.

Cindee: Exactly.

Martha: Like firstly, if I walk into someone’s house/disco ship, and there are drawings of me AS A CHILD all over the wall, I take my two items of medical paraphernalia. And I leave.

Cindee: well, he was drawing her all the time, too, so . . . . also, as established, he couldn’t leave once there

Martha: Drawings which he subtly put out to show his ‘fiancée’ HERE IS MY DREAM WOMAN WHO ISNT YOOOOOOOU

Cindee: Well he thought it was going to be her, so maybe he was like “I’ll creep her out by showing her a picture I drew of her”

Martha: not when he displayed them in his room Cindee! He knew it wasn’t her! He’d already met her!

Cindee: Oh, ok. well, I like to draw men I wish my husband was and put them around the house, too. Don’t we all?

Martha: As children, I hope… anyway, I don’t think he took nearly enough medica stuff to hell

Cindee: There’s only like 5 of them or whatever

Martha: Maybe I got confused but where did Crusher think he was going. Why did he need to knock out the transporter operator? Where did they think he was going?!

Cindee: Wasn’t he supposed to just beam the supplies, not himself?

Martha: Oh that would make sense

Cindee: Why Crusher would have him do it when she has plenty of minions, no one knows.

Martha: Lwaxana takes this weirdly well. As does everyone?! They even let Deana keep the jewels!

Cindee: I always figured everyone was secretly relieved. Ok, so a couple more random thoughts. How weird is it that they all figured out where Troi’s ship would be and agreed to all show up there at the same time, unannounced. I guess the creepy box did announce it, but barely before their arrival

Martha: Also Troi is clearly upset and Picard is all ‘congrats! Let’s all go to the wedding!’

Cindee: Well he’s not an empath. I mean he can’t just sense people’s feelings like Troi!

Martha: He has ZERO empathy if that’s what you mean

Cindee: Also, wtf is “genetic bonding”

Martha: I guess I assumed a fancy word for sex

Cindee: no, they were genetically bonded from childhood.

Martha: Oh weird, no idea then. Fancy alien marriage thing…

Cindee: Also, why is it a foregone conclusion that she’ll leave the ship

Martha: Also, Lwaxana is super into her status as a betazoid. Why would she marry a human? Why would she let her daughter marry a human?

Cindee: She chastises Troi for talking out loud, how the fuck does she think she’ll communicate with her new husband?

Martha: Hahaha well if she just CONCENTRATED she could sense his thoughts, like she can with sexxxxxy Riker!

Cinden: Theyre imzadi, Martha. Also I think they had to think their thoughts at each other to hear them

Martha: I don’t get their relationship. They’ve barely said a word to each other and now he’s all sulky

Cindee: They had one before, before the show

Martha: And he left her. To be a ship captain? Are there Star fleet rules about relationships and ship captaincy? I mean they apparently have a ‘no fighting at parties’ rule

Cindee: You know it’s never 100% explained, but yeah the idea is that he put his career first, but captains can get married. OK, spoilers, but I think Riker and Troi met on Betazed and then he got reassigned or something and she couldn’t go with him or whatever.

Martha: But now they’re together ALL THE TIME

Cindee: Have you never watched a TV show or something? They’ve gotta will they or won’t they. That’s how romance works on TV

Martha: Do they even still talk to each other outside of work?

Cindee: Sure

Martha: You don’t know that!

Cindee: Yes I do, I’ve seen them do it

Martha: I want to see some downtime bridge crew.

Cindee: well you’ll like later seasons then

Martha: Do they have a B team so they can have a rest

Cindee: Yes, there’s three shifts

Martha: But we only care about Picard’s shift

Cindee: Obvs

Martha: Oh no Worf this episode! It doesn’t make sense for him not to be at the wedding! Maybe Klingons can’t go to weddings

Cindee: I’ve seen Worf go to weddings

Martha: He just hates Troi?

Cindee: Maybe he hates nudity

Martha: I’m with Worf!

Cindee: Yeah me too, people should keep their fucking clothes on.