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Girls Can’t Do Math (AKA Coming of Age)

Martha: Better luck next time, Wesley! That girl he was up against was basically you. Calling him obnoxious.

Cindee: Nah, if it was me, I’d have won

Martha: Yeah she sucked. All her smack talk was for nothing. She never even completed one round that we saw!!

Cindee: Well, girls can’t do math

Martha: I’m not sure why the kid at the start (who ran away terribly) thought he had a chance of getting in. The Aldeans didn’t even think you were special! Also, something vague is wrong with the enterprise!

Cindee: Yeah, let’s set that part aside for the moment. They are setting up another episode.

Martha: Riker has began his long love affair with the chair vault.

Cindee: Oh is this where it started?

Martha: Yes I think so. I’ve been keeping an eye out and he hasn’t so far!

Cindee: Interesting!

Martha: Anyway, Wesley threatens a massive guy with violence! I would imagine that would not end well for him.

Cindee: That is actually my most favorite part of the episode. This entire species has the same feelings about “curtesy.” Which is comical to me, because generally people think the behavior of their culture is curtesy and that others are violating it, when really they’re just following their own norms. But apparently this entire fucking species apparently has the same cultural norms!

Martha: Yeah. You’d assume there would be a general star fleet code though. Clearly based on superior humans.

Cindee: Well it always is. In case you haven’t picked up on it, humans = Americans

Martha: Also often Worf is told that his star fleet loyalties come before his Klingon culture

Cindee: Yes but Troi is not told that about her Betazoid culture

Martha: UH DUH COS ITS HELPFUL. Things only matter cos they’re helpful to humans…

Cindee: Like Americans!

Martha: So why does this guy get to be a dick? Though I guess we could pass it off as ‘it was alllll a test’

Cindee: Like I said, it is setting up another, worse episode

Martha: Which bit is a setup, the investigation?

Cindee: Yes

Martha: I feel like the lower ranked guy gets a bad deal. He is made to interrogate everyone on the paranoia of the admiral. Everyone hates him. Picard may as well have said ‘YOU WISH WHAT’ with his eye roll when he said he’d really like a job in the Enterprise. So his career prospects are tanked cos of some guy, who Picard still likes! I feel we as the audience are supposed to be like ‘you’ll never join our enterprise!!!’ But really that’s guys done nothing wrong!

Cindee: Cause he was following orders

Martha: Oh don’t Picard quote me. Don’t you dare.

Cindee:

Martha: Well, the list of Enterprise fuck ups and deaths speaks for itself!

Cindee: Anyways, Wesley is scared of his psychological exam, and Worf gives him a pep talk

Martha: Hahaha in the holodeck of all places

Cindee: Did the safety protocols go offline?

Martha: They didn’t but they never actually switched it on. Wesley was just hanging in the checkered room.

Cindee: That’s quite odd. And Worf just happens upon him? “Hmmmm, I’ll just wander into this holodeck to see if anyone is loitering in it”

Martha: I think Worf comes in for some RnR/ death wish action and is all ‘hullo Wesley!’

Cindee: Worf tells Wesley not to worry. Wesley does his thing and it’s about his dad of course

Martha: Soooooo. Did Picard not drag his dad through steam?! Did Picard leave his dad clinging to a pipe?

Cindee: Picard had to choose between two people

Martha: And because he fancied Dr. Crusher, he let her husband die?

Cindee: Sigh. Jack was his best friend!

Martha: So why did he let him die Cindee?

Cindee: that is never really explained

Martha: So you don’t know for sure that I’m wrong…

Cindee: Oh FFS. Next you’re gonna start spouting your theory that Picard is Wesley’s dad

Martha: He loves Wesley. It’s so obvious.

Cindee: He’s more like an uncle.

Martha: So anyways, Wesley follows Worf’s advice, and then doesn’t get into starfleet. So it’s Worf’s fault

Cindee: No, Wesley succeeds at the psych exam. its later that he loses.

Martha: It’s not really explained how. Blue guy is just better generally. And both girls sucked, obviously.

Cindee: Well yes, girls are bad at math. They probably don’t learn calculus until they’re 12 or something. Anyways, you should be glad, now he’ll stick around.

Martha: So it’s all good. And no one died! Wesley doesn’t get into Starfleet at age 16 or whatever.

Cindee Anyways, didn’t you kinda know he’d fail? Since, then he’d be gone? Off at the academy?

Martha: I didn’t know the nature of the training. Is it a literal ‘off to college you go’ school?

Cindee: Yes. 4 years, in San Fransisco.

Martha: What?! Noooo this cannot do. How long would it take to get back to Earth from where

Cindee: Not that long, they go back to Earth frequently

Martha: Ah okay.

Cindee: And in the meantime investigaty guy found nothing

Martha: Picard gives up a job in an episode set up which makes no sense to anyone who doesn’t know that. We just get a lot of people saying how marvelous Picard is!

Cindee: Which he isn’t . . . yet

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Crusher and Crusher’s Magic Routine (AKA When the Bough Breaks)

Martha: Okay so there are apparently 7 children on the Enterprise?

Cindee: They very clearly stated that they took the most special ones

Martha: No way is that little ginger kid special

Cindee: Don’t tell me you’re one of those

Martha: What’s one of those?!

Cindee: People who don’t like red headed people

Martha: Haha my mum is ginger! So the answer to your question is yes. No that child is just annoying and clearly hates her parents!

Cindee: Says the women who just said she doesn’t like her mom

Martha: I don’t just run off with other random women Cindee!

Cindee: She didn’t run off, she was beamed off

Martha: Hahaha! She was well into it until Wesley was all ‘FFS we’re on hunger strike!’

Cindee: They kinda all were, except Wesley. The kid with the mind reading sculpting thing was pretty happy

Martha: Yeah Harry wasn’t interested in leaving really. Cos FUCK CALCULUS.

Cindee: Yeah they teach calculus at 10 apparently

Martha: Although his art dad is a liar. ‘Do I have to do calculus?’ ‘No…. what’s calculus’ HOW DO YOU KNOW HE DOESN’T HAVE TO DO IT THEN?

Cindee: Ok, I can’t believe we’re not first discussing the notion that they teach calculus at 10 in the future

Martha: I’m not smart enough to know what calculus is. Is it super fancy maths?

Cindee: It is a kind of math, yes. In the U.S. it is generally taken in late high school or in college.

Martha: They just unsterilised a whole bunch of people. Calculus is the least of my worries!

Cindee: I know it is a throwaway scene but I think it is a really telling reflection of American notions of education. I mean, people are always saying this silly fact here that “we only use 10% of our brain” What on earth does that mean? And how do they know it? And we have this notion here that we are “losing” at education and the answer is to teach our kids more and faster. Then we take away things like recess and stuff, and for what?

Martha: Erm we mapped the brain Cindee. And only like 10% had stuff on. Okay so let’s go back to the beginning as I have many issues. Firstly, Crusher kicks off when the people beam aboard because they haven’t been through decontamination.

Cindee: Yes

Martha: When has ANYONE been through decontamination before?

Cindee: The transporter does it when it beams people. It’s a well-established fact.

Martha: And they’re sterile . . . seriously how does restoring the ozone layer make them fertile again?! THATS NOT A THING

Cindee: They don’t just restore the ozone, they do some medical treatments, too

Martha: ‘And we know they’ll be great parents because they kidnapped ours and made a dolphin’

Cindee: I can’t believe you’re not noticing the fact that the show claimed that in the 21st century, there was an infertility epidemic on earth!

Martha: Well to be fair she just said that the ozone layer was failing…

Cindee: And that it caused the infertility!

Martha: Well maybe they thought it was going to… Making us all pale….And photosensitive

Cindee: Star Trek has a nice long history of wildly predicting all sorts of things in the near future. Like, TOS claimed in the 1990s there were be some Eugenics Wars where genetically engineered people were all like “woah we’re superior” and tried to take over and then in DS9, even though that clearly never happened, they still act like it did! Personally, I’m looking forward to 2024, we’re gonna solve inequality then.

Martha: But anyway, Riker has been the most suspicious man ever on all occasions apart from this one time when he needed to be suspicious. And Wesley has a new skill: sleight of hand!

Cindee: well apparently he and his mom have a magic routine they’ve been practicing

Martha: That explains it!

Cindee: Ok, so let’s recap for our reader. We’re all over the place here.

Martha: How dare you

Cindee: Picard summons Riker to the bridge cause in the couple of months he’s known him, he has learned Riker is obsessed with some stupid story. Riker tells the story, and then it becomes real!

Martha: And he’s not suspicious even though he’s always suspicious. Troi is suspicious. But no one cares.

Cindee: Other than the apples in the pilot, when else his Riker been suspicious?

Martha: He was suspicious about the space station

Cindee: That’s the same episode!

Martha: No the one with evil Picard!

Cindee: Oh fine. Anyways, so yes, Troi has some oddly specific read on these people

Martha: INCREDIBLY SPECIFIC!

Cindee: “they want something that we will not want to give them!”

Martha: ALSO! She says she feels hundreds (thousands?) of minds. When they can’t see the planet

Cindee: So?

Martha: There’s 9, Troi.

Cindee: That we see

Martha: He says there are few left. And the fish are dead, Cindee. And the dolphins are all wooden.

Cindee: I don’t think he literally meant a few

Martha: I don’t think 7 children are sufficient to placate thousands of people. Or restart a species.

Cindee: I dunno, Adam and Eve’s sons did it somehow

Martha: Biblical incest

Cindee: Ok, well this will be non-biblical incest

Martha: This episode had no sex. Yet here we are…

Cindee: Well, that’s on you. ANYWAYS, the people beam aboard with a giant cornucopia.

Martha: Much to Crusher’s fury. Crusher is upset they haven’t been decontaminated.

Cindee: They leave on account of the bright lights

Martha: Like gremlins

Cindee: And then beam down Riker, Troi, and Crusher and Picard is like INTERESTING CHOICES. WTF does that mean Picard?

Martha: WOMEN

Cindee: Yeah . . .

MarthaL Clearly they enjoyed Crusher’s cardigan. With her big pockets.

Cindee: It’s a lab coat. She’s a doctor.

Martha: It’s a cardigan

Cindee: Lab coat

Martha: Lab cardigan

Cindee: Meanwhile, on the planet we learn that other species don’t give a shit about their kids

Martha: You take that back! That ginger kid is adored! Wesley gets level 3 clearance to… something and stuff and things! Wooden dolphin! Mind music! And I’m sure the other 3 no one cared about did stuff!

Cindee: No, I mean how Troi is like “humans are unusually attached to their children”

Martha: Oh indeed!! Fucking weird humans.

Cindee: I don’t remember what happened next,  just that later they swipe the kids

Martha: Basically they’re all ‘oh clearly you won’t give them up, whatever’ and nick them

Cindee: And that the custodian predicted Wesley would be the leader

Martha: Well he got that right

Cindee: NO SHIT SHERLOCK HE’S THE OLDEST

Martha: Imagine if little Alexandra was the boss. With her fluffy toy.

Cindee: They’d have never left. They’d all just be playing hide and seek still. So, the kids are bizarrely not that upset and they all get their mind reading art tools.

Martha: Well as Crusher says, they knew what they signed up for. Clearly the children were told that ‘hey, you might get kidnapped.’

Cindee: And the children signed terms of service agreement. But they were like the iTunes agreement, no one read them!

Martha: I promise not to sue star fleet:

A) if we’re kidnapped

B ) if the holodeck kills us

C ) if we are mentally scarred by being forced to do RnR on a sex planet

D) if we trust the wrong Data and get eaten by a crystal entity

E) if a space jellyfish stings us

F) if our hope is crushed by a terrible hug from Picard

Cindee: Yeah, that whole “Picard is afraid of kids” thing is back. This time Riker’s not there to protect him.

Martha: YOU HAD ONE JOB RIKER

Cindee: Then Crusher and Crusher do their magic routine.

Martha: I thought this planet was super advanced. How did she not see that? How didn’t they realise she had tech in her massive lab cardigan pockets?

Cindee: Because Martha, they’re all dumb from being dependent on their computer! They only things they can do are operate mind-reading art tools!

Martha: That was a big missed opportunity plot wise too. They knew nothing about the computer. We know nothing about the computer other than the shield it made affected the ozone layer. And I guess they’re gonna have to switch it off?

Cindee: So they fling the Enterprise away, and meanwhile Wesley fancies himself to be Ghandi

Martha: And does nothing except find the kids

Cindee: Yes and teach them about passive resistance. The Enterprise returns and the old guy asks Picard to make the kids eat

Martha: Like this place is too soft. If you really want the kids fling the enterprise off properly

Cindee: Meanwhile, Riker and Data are sneaking about on a hostile planet, and don’t have their phasers. Riker doesn’t even bring his own tricorder!

Martha: ERM HE HAS NO POCKETS.

Cindee: Data gives up real fast on breaking into the computer and “scrambles” it instead, whatever that means

Martha: Which could have been handy if Wesley could have used his access to save them. But no. No plot for you!

Cindee: True. He tells Picard he understands the computer and Picard is like “that’s nice”

Martha: It ended up very similar to sexy planet, with them just beaming them off. Instead of a god it was a shield

Cindee: There was no speech. Also, they hung around and helped them with their problems, cause humans are better than other species

Martha: Data needs to remember what Picard told him: everything is impossible, until it is not…

Cindee: Do not question a Picardism, Martha

Martha: Well it’s fine if he lived by it himself. It’s only Data who has to solve impossible century old problems on a daily basis

Cindee: like the Picard maneuver?

Martha: Yes It’s impossible to get through this shield! Only cos you haven’t bothered to find a way yet Data!

Cindee: Anyways, in a terrifying ending, Picard has to be hugged by a child. And everyone laughs, which is stupid, but at least not insulting to anyone’s memory.

Martha: Yeah no one actually died!

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Ugly Bags of Mostly Water (AKA Home Soil)

Cindee: Ok so did you watch home soil?

Martha: Half watched. I need to rewatch. I have no idea what went on except I know someone died!!

Cindee: It is so boring

Martha: I probably know most of it from half watching. The sand is alive. They are stealing the saltwater which it liked so it kicks off. They apologise. The end.

Cindee: Correct. The only thing you’re missing is that it has one of the greatest lines from TNG ever.

Martha: Is it. ‘We have a holodeck which you might enjoy!’

Cindee: Well, Riker DOES say that.

Martha: He does!

Cindee: Anyways, the sand calls the humans “ugly bags of mostly water” and the Data agrees it is an accurate description

Martha: Data you’re humanoid!!!

Cindee: He is not a bag though, and he is not mostly water. So anyways, that could be out post.

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Inconsistent Medical Progress Photos (AKA Too Short a Season)

Martha: Cindee!! Wtf is this. Watch Picard’s face as he goes through the door.

Cindee: ok so. I noticed that too and thought I was imagining it

Martha: Ahahaha! Is he just being daft and they left it in?

Cindee: That is the only explanation I have.

Martha: I must say though that was the highlight of the episode.

Cindee: Yeah so I don’t know that there’s much to say about this episode other than “what exactly was that?” and, ableism.

Martha: The story was predictable due to the crappy make up

Cindee: You could tell he wasn’t an old dude from the start?

I’m assuming Cindee is being sarcastic…

Martha: Like if he didn’t get younger OR have flashbacks then what on Earth. I had my suspicions, like Riker, who is always suspicious.  I kept hoping his next ‘attack’ would end with him being a baby.

Cindee: Then have I got the Voyager episode for you!

Martha: DO YOU BELIEVE US NOW HOSTAGE MAN?And then when Picard is trying to prove his story to the bad guy he’s all‘Look at these medical photos we took!’ And it’s all fucking screen grabs of previous scenes!!

Cindee:  it was the 80s!

Martha: Where was Crusher and her camera?! Surely this isn’t reliable medical evidence! And the handy scar, which he could have shown about 15 mins before he did.

Cindee: What would have been more reliable?

Martha: Like for medical progress photos they tend to keep people in the same room.The same pose.

Cindee:  you know this from your days a a medical practitioner?

Martha: IVE USED GOOGLE.

Cindee: You googled “medical progress photos”?

Martha: Everyone needs a hobby

Cindee:  Yours is googling medical progress photos?

Martha: Yes

Cindee: Alright then. They should have consulted you!

Martha: My only other thought on this episode is that I’m glad shit interpretations of the prime directive go back 45 years!

Cindee: Do I need an ableism rant, or is the ableism pretty obvious?

Martha: You’re better at it than me. I’m assuming you mean the ‘I can’t possible negotiate this unless I’m young!’ aspect?

Cindee: I mean the tropes, the tropes! Disabled man is bitter.
Disabled man is secretly bad. Disabled man wishes he wasn’t disabled
blah blah blah

Martha: I know what you mean BUT pretty much every other character is like ‘you are making terrible decisions’ His wife is very clear that she loved him as he was and she wasn’t bothered. I mean disabled man did make some shit decisions in the past and, I dunno I guess he wasn’t ‘bad’ as such? He just wanted to make amends

Cindee: Yeah but that actually makes it worse! All the non-disabled people see that the cure is worse than the disability but the guy with it!

Martha: Yes he didn’t want to be disabled anymore, BUT frankly I’m
disappointed that Crusher hasn’t bothered to fix that disease yet.

Cindee: And yeah it would be ok if some characters with disabilities were evil but disabled characters in TV shows are all basically: bitter, evil, or magic

Martha: British people are always evil in things. Evil or Hugh Grant.

Cindee; True. Like all the death star dudes.

 

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What’s a knockout like you doing in a computer generated gin bar like this? (AKA 11001001)

Martha: Does this count as a holodeck episode?

Cindee: Not to me. The holodeck is involved, but it’s not the plot.

Martha: I disliked Riker this episode, honestly I didnt enjoy this episode all that much…

Cindee: I didn’t say you would!

Martha: Although i would like a “personal relaxation light” if you know what I mean…. seriously, what does it mean?

Cindee: Um. Wut.

Martha: You’re too busy looking at the bigger existential picture Cindee!!

Cindee: That is usually true

Martha: When they get to the big space station thats what Picard says he wants to do, put on his personal relaxation light and read a novel.

Cindee: I see

Martha: Worf and Yar are off playing ‘parrises squares’. I imagine many people are dead as Worf is taking it very seriously.

Cindee: Yeah why does Riker wander about the ship and see all the supporting characters before the main action? Perhaps so the actors don’t feel left out.

Martha: Hahahah! Yes Riker absolutely does go on a random wander just to check everyone has a job. Data is painting. Crusher is solving a disease. Troi doesn’t fucking exist.

Cindee: Yeah Data is always making paintings, I’m not sure what is up with that.

Martha: So Riker can make ‘hilarious’ quips about the blind man teaching the android to paint!

Cindee: Oh wow that’s nice and ableist. As for parrises squares, they always talk about it but never explain how it is played. Like they talk about it in all three series. Apparently it is really dangerous, though. Anyway my ride is here, I have to go…

Martha: Thats fine. I will just stew over Riker’s paint by numbers hot chick.

*interlude of solace and despair whilst Martha contemplates why she is doing this, and if Cindee will ever return*

Cindee: Where were we…

Martha: Okay! Let me get my notes!

Cindee: You took NOTES?

Martha: I take notes every episode. Otherwise I forget the good quotes SUCH AS ‘What’s a knockout like you doing in a computer generated gin bar like this?’

Cindee: What are you talking about, that’s a great pickup line. That’s how my husband and I met. He said that to me.

Martha: I hope he was leaning against something at the time

Cindee: Well, like Riker, he is a tall man.

Martha: Do we find it creepy that Riker had the holodeck rustle up his perfect physical woman?

Cindee: I find it creepy whenever a character has some sort of romance with a holodeck character

Martha: And then Picard walks in! It’s the equivalent of walking in on someone with a sex doll… but its totally normal! Yeah it’s super creepy especially as she knows exactly what she is too (unlike, I assume, the other holodeck characters?)

Cindee: Yeah most don’t, usually when they figure it out, we’ve got a damn holodeck episode on our hands.

Martha: Also I can really do without Riker playing the trombone. This is why it felt like a holodeck episode to me as it was fully of stupid holodeck stuff alongside the real world plot.

CIndee: Well. I’ve got some REALLY bad news for you. It’s one of his main character traits. There’s this one episode where Crusher is describing everyone, and that’s like the first thing she says about him.

Martha: Seriously?! The TROMBONE urgh. Okay I’m out Cindee. I WAS PROMISED SPACE ADVENTURE. BOLDY GOING WHERE NO MAN HAS GONE BEFORE. Not fucking trombones!!!

Cindee: Do you have something against trombones in particular, characters have to have personality traits for Crusher to explain in that episode.

Martha: Riker has this slightly creepy smiley eye thing, and whilst blowing a trombone his sexy eyes at the lady was just… I can’t!

Creepy trombone eyes

Cindee: I keep telling you Martha, that’s how my husband and I met. STOP JUDGING US

Martha: So, potentially one of the worst almost disasters to happen to the ship so far, and where is Picard and his number one? ARSING ABOUT ON THE HOLODECK

Cindee: well, yes.

Martha: Typical. Like they’re upgrading the ship, they should not be on the ship, I don’t care if Riker is testing out the ‘upgrades’ get off the damn Enterprise!

Cindee: Well the bynars had it covered

Martha: I didnt mind that bit. They were okay. I don’t quite understand how Picard and Riker managed to download the planet back to the planet merely by looking at it, but that’s the least of my worries…

Cindee: Yeah I kinda like the Bynars themselves

Martha: Yeah they made sense overall. Plus they had snazzy information bum bags And who doesn’t love a bum bag?

Cindee: Is that a Britishism? Bum bag?

Martha: Hahaha yes. You call it a fanny pack. But a fanny is a vagina here. So we don’t call it that.

Cindee: oh wow. ok. This information will come in handy when I next visit England.

Martha: Hahah. Yes So yes we don’t mind the Bynars. I hope they don’t get in too much trouble from evil twin Picard.

Cindee: Evil twin Picard?

Martha: Yeah, the other bald captain who is like Picard’s evil twin because he has a beard. He also has a fancy name but I didn’t write it in my notes

Cindee: Dude. you’re thinking of TOS.

Martha: I am not I haven’t even seen it haha

Cindee: Where did you see this evil Picard?

Picard and his evil twin Quinteros

Martha: ITS LIKE A GODDAMN MIRROR

Cndee: Welp. I forgot about THAT. Fun fact: as established by the mirror universe Spock, in Star Trek, goatee = EVIL

Martha: See he’s evil Picard!

Cindee: Right that’s why at first I was like “is she thinking of TOS or what?” What is the point of that guy?

Martha: He’s just there to like, tell them a bit about the Bynars, and also tell Data and Yar there are no more ships to go help the Enterprise.

Cindee: Wait and Data and Yar don’t notice the damn goatee?

Martha: Well they can’t start distrusting Riker in 10 or so episodes. Plot twist, that’s evil Riker…

Cindee: No, he has a full board, not a goatee

Martha: Hahaha okay! Wesley kiiiinda saves the day. Well he tries. Turns out it’s all a false alarm anyway

Cindee: Right, cause they just want to borrow the ship to download their computer files. The Enterprise is thus a flying flash drive

Martha: It’s the only half decent ship in the galaxy. Despite them having problems with the holodeck…. you don’t say Picard!! I continue to like Data. He was good this episode, evacuated everyone, felt super guilty about everything. I like him

Cindee: Well they aren’t downloading their planet into the holodeck

Martha: Because the holodeck is simply a sexy distraction!

Cindee: No, its a death trap

Martha: Why don’t they just board it up after like, the second death. And be like just watch a fucking movie okay?!

Cindee: They never learn…

Martha: The historian is dead (RIP) Wesley unleashed a snowball virus. Riker has ghonnorhea…

Cindee: They keep using them and things keep going wrong all the way through Voyager, Seriously, someone get on those safety protocols or the Russians are going to hack them so easily.

Martha: So yeah, I wish they had concentrated more on the Bynars. Perhaps more info about them and their planet and the space station they docked at. And none of this sexy holodeck jazz brotherly nonsense

Cindee: brotherly?

Martha: Brothel. My phone keeps changing brothel to brother. That’s not good.

Cindee: Yes, you probably frequently talk about brothels, so this will be a serious problem in the future… Anyway at the end, doesn’t Riker go back to the holodeck and now she’s no good?

Martha:  Hahaha oh god yeah! Like I don’t get that, was Minuet like temporary? Why? How would that be a thing? And he tried ALL THE WOMEN but none were the same haha.

Cindee: I think the implication was that the Bynars had magically make the holodeck better, and now that they were gone it wasn’t again, which, why they’d take that away, I dunno.

Martha: Maybe because Riker was grossing them out. If I was Minuet I’d hot foot it out of the holodeck. Yeah like so she was a response to what he wanted whereas the holodeck normally just had pre programmed ‘characters’

Cindee: So, the holodeck read his damn mind?

Martha: Well he does say at some point she was saying exactly what he wanted her too. And Picard was saying how well she responded to… input. Poor Troi. No wonder she wasn’t in this episode!

Cindee: I sometimes wonder where Troi is when it would be handy for someone to be able to read people’s emotions… oh yeah doesn’t she talk in French to him?

Martha: Hahah yes she talks French to Picard…And Rikers all ‘hands off!!’ Haha

Cindee: Does HE say anything in french to indicate he is French, otherwise, why not just talk in a British accent.

Martha: No, she starts it from his name when he is introduced

Cindee: Oh, I see

Martha: But the holodeck isn’t healthy. No one will ever live up to Rikers perfect woman he created.

Cindee: I dunno, he seems to find other women to love

Martha: He’s a tart.

Cindee: A tart? Like, a pop tart?

Martha: Yes. A sexy pop tart.

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Vladamir Putin Interlude (AKA So Long Martha)

Martha:

Cindee: Nope

Martha: It’s HIM! This is why Putin hates America. It all makes sense now

Cindee: It already made sense. How does this make sense?

Martha: They cast him in Angel One. He wanted to be an actor all his life.

Cindee: Pretty sure he wanted to be a KGB agent. Also, Putin doesn’t speak English.

Martha: I’m not sure the actor ever talks…

Cindee: How old would you say that character is?

Martha: I guess I’d say they’re all around early 30s?

Cindee: Putin was 36, which is late 30s

Martha: Damnit. The only flaw in my theory

Cindee: That also would have been a strange time to abandon his post, end of the Cold War and all. According to Wikipedia Putin was undercover in East Germany at the time of this episode

Martha: So… we don’t really know where he was. Nothing more undercover than moonlighting in Star Trek.

Cindee: So why did this episode lead him to hating the U.S. exactly?

Martha: Because it’s shit

Cindee: So therefore decade later, he rigs our election

Martha: Yup

Cindee: Ironclad logic

Martha: It’s all Roddenberry’s fault

Cindee: I don’t think Putin is really into women’s rights

Martha: This episode violates the Geneva human rights convention and Putin hates humans.

Cindee: So . . . Shouldn’t he like the episode then?

Martha: Putin LIKED HUMANS until he was cast in this bullshit. And it CHANGED HIM.

Cindee: The episode convinced him to violate human rights because it did?

Martha: Yes. And move back to Russia. But the message of the episode was don’t violate human rights. And be bare chested.

Cindee: Also, the man was already a KGB officer, I don’t think he was ever a champion of human rights

Martha: No the episode violates my human right not to have seen this episode

Cindee: That guy has played other characters in Star Trek. Do you still claim it is Putin?

Martha: Yeah

Cindee: One of the episodes aired in 2000. What was his motivation then?

Martha: Which franchise?

Cindee: Voyager

Martha: YES. SO! He was drafted in to teach Janeway how to speak Russian in preparation for her role in Orange is the New Black. KABOOM. MIC DROP.

Cindee: Why would Putin help with that?

Martha: He loves women in prison. And he wanted to help with a show about women in prison

Cindee: The show is about how awful the Prison-Industrial-Complex is.

Martha: Putin didn’t know that he was just like “a Russian woman in prison?!” I must make her accent accurate’

Cindee: Why does he need to make her accent accurate? How does that serve his agenda?

Martha: To teach other Russians that America is bad

Cindee: You just claimed he didn’t know the show was about the Prison-Industrial-Complex

Martha: He looks like Putin.

Cindee: So that’s your argument again? In that case, I just want to conclude this conversation by saying it was really nice knowing you.

Posted on

Magical Infectious Holodeck Snowball (AKA Angel One)

From Memory Alpha:

An early story meeting about this episode was attended by Patrick Barry, Gene Roddenberry, and Herbert J. Wright. Wright was wary that the concept of a matriarchal society had been too overdone. “So one of the major issues that we didn’t want to do was an Amazon Women kind of thing where the women are six feet tall with steel D cups,” he recalled. “I said, ‘The hit I want to take on this is apartheid, so that the men are treated as though they are blacks of South Africa. Make it political. Sexual overtones, yes, but political.’ Well, that didn’t last very long. Everything that Gene got involved with had to have sex in it. It’s so perverse that it’s hard to believe. The places it was dragged into is absurd. We were talking about how women would react, and Gene was voicing all the right words again, saying, ‘Oh, yes, we’ve got to make sure that women are represented fairly, because, after all, women are probably the superior sex anyway, and it’s real important we don’t get letters from feminists, because we want to be fair and we don’t want to infer that women have to rule by force if they do rule, because men don’t have to rule by force.’ Very sensible stuff. All of a sudden something kicks in and he changes: ‘However, we also don’t want to infer that it would be a better society if women ruled.'” His voice becoming increasingly louder, Roddenberry continued that this was because women were untrustworthy, “vicious creatures,” which he angrily blurted out in a torrent of hateful verbiage. Concluded Wright, “Then he looks out the window, looks at the outline, and says, ‘Okay, on page eight…’ and continues like that didn’t even happen.” (The Fifty-Year Mission: The Next 25 Years, p. 83)

Martha: Jesus this man is insane!

Cindee: Yup

Martha: But yes he failed in literally all of his supposed aims. I mean failed and then doubled down on the fail

Cindee: It’s sad. there are later episodes where they kinda invert things and then make a point about the actual injustice in our culture and do it well. But NOT THIS TIME

Martha: No this was just ridiculous. The way the men were portrayed as very typically feminine and sexualized. As if that’s the only way one sex can be the ‘lower’

Cindee: It’s so ridiculous too because they’re ALWAYS encountering patriarchal societies and judging them but then being like whatevs. But here they’re like noooooo, this is sooooo wroooooong. And my husband was saying that the women on this planet are unusually strong and that’s why they’re in charge?

Martha: Unusually strong and aggressively dominant

Cindee: White people oppress black people, but not because white people are stronger.

Martha: Exactly. And all this ‘let’s not make them Amazonian, let’s just choose shorter men!’

Cindee: And then they’re like “Riker is so tall”?

Martha: If anything I thought Riker came out of this looking… okay?

Cindee: What did Riker do that was so okay?

Martha: He was asked to wear the outfit to meet the mistress. And he did, and he wasn’t a giggling dumbass about it like Troi and Yar. (Yes he then had sex with the lady but… )

Cindee: Well of course he did

Martha: But isn’t the whole point about respecting the cultures they come across. There was a lot of prime directive blathering. It seems the prime directive doesn’t ACTUALLY matter if someone is at risk of death

Cindee: Even though it did in Justice?

Martha: Exactly

Cindee: Well, that was Wesley, the golden child

Martha: It’s literally ‘Prime Directive unless something is happening that we wouldn’t do. So…. what’s the point!

Cindee: pretty much. Like I said, it gets more consistent, though I think it is on the whole dumb. I mean, ok, spoilers:  There are times when a civilization is literally going to get DESTROYED. Like, WIPED OUT. And they’re like “Sorry! Can’t save you! PRIME DIRECTIVE!!!!”

Martha: BUT FOUR GUYS?! Well they didn’t even bother to cast four guys they cast one and the others were just implied guys

Cindee: Guys are expensive

Matha: So in the end Riker does an impassioned speech so they let this guy(s) stay on another species planet where they don’t want them. Success for the Prime Directive! Meanwhile Crusher is furious to realise she didn’t cure the common cold after all

Cindee: Good summary

Martha: Is it implied that the cold came from the holodeck?! Like is the holodeck trying to kill them again?!

Cindee: Oh I forgot that? I was so busy with the damn sexism I forgot about the B plot. That sounds about right, murderous holodeck

Martha: Ok, so here is Wesley and pals off to go play in the snow

Martha: They throw a snowball which hits Picard and Worf, who comment on an unusual smell. And him and Worf are the first two after Wesley and other boy to get the cold

Cindee: Oh is this the one where the snowball somehow doesn’t dematerialize off the holodeck?

Martha:  YES! I didn’t know if that was allowed cos those guys sorta walked off it before briefly

Cindee: So, it’s an infected snowball

Martha: Well it never ever mentioned the holodeck or the snow. They just say it’s airborne through smell. Just implied?

Cindee: Ok then. Infected magical holodeck snowball

Martha: But the holodeck is a death trap. 100%.

Cindee: So, for the sake of our reader and completing sake, will you carry on? On, for the sake of your emotional well being, will you skip on to season 3?

Martha: I must carry on, the prime directive…

Cindee: Also . . .  what if someone else says sense OARS and you miss it?

Martha: They almost certainly will

Cindee: All in all, I think I’m going to have rethink my ratings once we’re done with season 2. I stand by my higher ratings, but the lower ones need some reconsideration

Martha: I saw someone considered angel one the 4th worst

Cindee:  I have it as 165 out of 176. That needs reconsideration

Posted on

Shut Up, Wesley! (AKA Datalore)

Martha: Oh this is kinda sad. I’m still watching. I’m just sad.

Cindee: Because?

Martha: Data has found his unassembled brother. I mean he’ll probably end up evil and ruin everything

Cindee: what makes you think that?

Martha: Well I guess cos they’re not gonna go through life with two data’s. So he can’t be nice.

Cindee: Maybe he’s nice but dies

Martha: That’s also sad

Cindee: Oh right

Martha: OMFG. RIKER ASKED IF IT HAD A PENIS.

Cindee leaves Martha and does something more interesting for a while.

Martha: I have many problems with that episode. Let’s double down and watch Angel One

Cindee: Wait you’re watching Angel One already?

Martha: I can pause!

Cindee: So, you were right, Lore is evil

Martha: Yeah, I guess it was to be expected

Cindee: Really his name should have been a dead giveaway. What’s the opposite of fact? Fiction. What’s the opposite of Data? Evil.

Martha: It was sad that Data wanted a brother and he was just mean to him throughout

Cindee: Data has so many damn relatives for a robot though. Like every other episode someone comes along and is like “you might say I’m like your aunt” and then everyone is like YEAH!

Martha: So let me see if I have the story right. Soong created Lore. He was too lifelike. Soong started making Data. Lore called the crystal thing to kill the planet. The farmers took Lore apart and carefully put him away. Soong was happy with this. Soong put data outside with a clock. Because, reasons. Crystal thing turned up and killed people.

Cindee: That is not completely accurate. The problem with Lore wasn’t that he was too lifelike, that’s just what Lore says. The problem was that he was evil!

Martha: Ok, but I still don’t understand who got made when and when did everyone die and how and when

Cindee: No one does really. Data has quite a complicated family for a fucking robot.

Martha: Okay as long as I’m as confused as everyone else

Cindee: I also don’t understand why, in like 2 decades, no one else has gone to this planet to investigate what happened

Martha: The whole episode makes zero sense. Data isn’t interested in the approach to his home world. EVERYONE IS SURPRISED. You guys do realise you have given no shits about where you were going this entire time? You were on the goddamn holodeck last approach Picard!! They bring Lore aboard. They teach him about the ship. They let him have full access to ship files. Crusher scolds data for not trusting his brother. THEN THEYRE ALL ‘I WONDER WHERE DATAS LOYALTIES LIE’ What?! Why do you suddenly not trust the guy you’ve lived with for YEARS but trust the random new one?!

Cindee: Technically, they’ve lived with him for a few months. But ok, It makes zero sense. I thought that the multiple robots and Wesley saving the day would make you happy!

Martha: I did enjoy that but I was frustrated because he was the only one with a half sensible approach!  I don’t think I have anything else to say on Datalore

Cindee: Maybe you should skip to season 3 after all . . .

Martha: I have 16 mins left of Angel One. And fuck me it’s a piece of shit so far

Cindee: Yeah . . .

Posted on

The Holodeck is a Death Trap (AKA The Big Goodbye)

Prologue

Martha: Can you die in the holodeck?

Cindee: in theory, no. There are these things called “safety protocols” that are supposed to prevent bad things from happening

Martha: Like bullets don’t do anything, for example

Cindee: In theory

Martha: So, if the safety protocols break the hologram bullets become ACTUAL BULLETS

Cindee: That’s basically the plot of every fucking holodeck episode

Martha: WHO IS IN CHARGE?!

Cindee: Of what?

Martha: Like recently they said, when the ship started failing, that a ship this new couldn’t possibly be failing. So, who is in charge of maintaining the holodeck?!

Cindee: The engineering staff

Martha: Well, if they didn’t switch them out every so often maybe someone could get experience, and do their job properly!

Cindee: I mean, every time it happens, they act surprised. Also, they get fucking locked in the holodeck somehow, obviously

Martha: This is just simple poor maintenance. Also, how is detective noir necessary for space training?

Cindee: The holodeck is for recreation, not training. They go there to unwind, but then something goes terribly wrong, including the damn safety protocols

Martha: How does anyone get locked in anywhere

Cindee: They have some damn contrived reason every time, the reasons vary

Martha: Get Wesley on the case

Cindee: . . .

Post-Episode

Matha: HAHAHAHHA people died

Cindee: My husband will be home soon and we will go out for dinner then . . . so . . . you’ll have to wait to rant

Martha: I LITERALLY CAN’T Is that guy dead? That’s all I need to know for now.

Cindee: The historian?

Martha: Yes

Cindee: Dunno

Martha: Do they never actually come back to him? If not, he’s dead.

Cindee: Well, to be fair, there was never again a need for them to call on the skills of a 20th century earth history expert on a space ship traveling AWAY from earth. So, he could be sitting in his quarters, waiting to be needed again

Martha: Nah he’s dead. And you know what’s worse than not caring when someone dies? Or even laughing at Data when someone dies?  CLAPPING!! CLAPPING WHEN SOMEONE DIES!

Cindee: I don’t remember any clapping

Martha: Crusher clapped! When he got shot she was all claps isn’t the holodeck marvelous. Oh, blood.

Cindee: Well she doesn’t realize the holodeck is a death trap yet

Martha: Just because you like her Cindee, doesn’t mean it’s ok. Also, crying is allowed in the penalty box and apparently sex is allowed on the holodeck. No wonder it keeps malfunctioning

Cindee: You think people having sex on the holodeck is why the safety protocols keep failing?

Martha: Well it can’t help. I mean this time it was an alien ‘probe.’

Cindee: Well they’ve got to contrive some reason for the holodeck to fail every time there’s a holodeck episode. Trust me, there are more ridiculous holodeck episodes. For example, the one where data wears a sombrero. According to Memory Alpha, the historian is alive.

Martha: Is that purely by omission of a eulogy

Cindee: probably just a recognition of Dr. Crusher’s skillz

Martha: Her pulse reading and ‘ignoring him for the rest of the scene’ skills. They also PUNCH A HOLOGRAM dramatically before getting him out of there. There is no urgency!

Cindee: he’s just a historian

Martha: He’s also a massive buzzkill. ‘It’s just a character from a book Picard’

Cindee: At least he’s better than the historian from TOS. They revive some people from cryogenic sleep and the historian falls in love with one of them because HE’S FROM HISTORY.

Martha: Also, this book, the guy keeps asking for an object. Doesn’t the book tell them what it is/where it is?!

Cindee: Tell who?

Martha: Data? Picard? They’ve read the book. Everything else is scenes from the book

Cindee:  It’s BASED on a book. It’s interactive

Martha: Do you not think Picard was a little unprofessional to go jolly on the holodeck when he had an important meeting coming up which clearly had no set time?

Cindee: Yeah its weird to me that they all seem surprised when they arrive at destinations. They’ll set a course and then they’ll be doing something else and get a message “we’re here!!!”

Martha: Surely, it’s someone’s job to know that.

Cindee: We have to talk about this message Picard has to recite, too, though. There are episodes where they go undercover, use the universal translator, and NO ONE noticed that they aren’t actually speaking the native language. Yet here, somehow, they will know of Picard isn’t saying this greeting in their language

Martha: I thought the group sounded like a lot of effort to be honest

Cindee: The aliens?

Martha: Yes

Cindee: Don’t they just say the greeting and then head off somewhere else?

Martha: Yeah that’s it. Best mates for life. But why refuse to be friends because of a slight mispronunciation. Are they really that integral to this space programme?

Cindee: well, you refused to be Picard’s friend on account of how he pronounced sensors

Martha: Because he KNOWS how to say it.

Cindee: Does he? DOES HE?

Martha: Yes! Just like Wesley knows how to fix the holodeck! What I don’t understand is how Wesley’s mistake can cause the real people inside to CEASE TO EXIST. Die? Sure! But I expect mangled corpses on the room

Cindee: wait, wut?

Martha: That what he says! Are we even watching the same show?

Cindee: I told you, I don’t remember it well. I didn’t bother rewatching because it is a holodeck episode, thus I knew the plot: go the holodeck, something goes terribly wrong, oh no the safety protocols are fucking broken again

Martha: Well that’s what he says, and Riker’s all ‘well give it a try’ and all that happens is the doors open. Nothing actually disappears. Also, they come out of the other door so they don’t even see Wesley and pals when they come out

Cindee: Did you just refer to Geordi, Riker, and Wesley as “Wesley and pals”

Martha: There are three other generic engineers. One is probably the new chief. Why is Geordi helping anyway?

Cindee: Geordi is good at engineering

Martha: Isn’t red military and command? And gold is engineering and, navigation? (Even though Geordi seems to do most of that…)

Cindee: Navigation is red for reasons I don’t understand. Gold is engineering and security.

Martha: Of course! Security. How did I forget Yar. Right so let’s take it back a little. We’ve seen Yar use the holodeck, and Riker. So, why do they all gather round to listen to Picard’s ‘tales of the holodeck’? Why doesn’t he show them? Don’t they already KNOW what it does?!

Cindee: The UPGRADES Martha, the UPGRADES

Martha: Also, they talk about AU TO MO BEEEEELS?

Cindee: Automobile is a valid word

Martha: and instead of the many things you could say about cars, pollution, the fuels they use TEENAGERS USE THEM FOR DATING RITUALS. Goddamnit it Data. Not everything is about sex!

Cindee: Dating is not the same as sex!

Martha: American teenagers have sexy car times Cindee. I know this! IVE SEEN MOVIES

Cindee: Well apparently so has Data. Ok, but wait here, why does the word automobile bother you?

Martha: Oh it doesn’t! That’s just how Worf says it. Cos ya know, he’s a Klingon. Has never had any contact with humans ever…

Cindee: How does Worf say it?

Martha: Au… to.. mo… beeeeels? With an inflection in beels

Cindee: Presumably they wanted to show how culture and technology have changes and Worf didn’t have anything else to do, so he got to say it

Martha: Also on new earth Halloween has been cancelled

Cindee: Well it is a stupid holiday

Martha: It’s not big here. It’s about 4000 times bigger in America it seems

Cindee: Star Trek is a utopian view of the future Martha. No crime, no poverty, no Halloween

Martha: So, whilst Picard is having a fun time this very important meeting starts to happen. Wesley is in Data’s seat?! Where’s O’Brien?! Bring back O’Brien. Or dare I say it, another actually qualified member of the crew

Cindee: Well O’Brien might be trying out a different job

Martha: How do you find Crusher on the holodeck?

Cindee: With a tricorder?

Martha: I felt she went a bit ‘silly woman’ all giggly etc, which is at odds with her normal persona

Cindee: Agreed. Perhaps she was trying to be historically consistent

Martha: Oh, ALSO Picard says when describing the holodeck (in his captains logs which make no sense, he’s like ‘I’m on the holodeck to see.’ He has so many logs that are present tense! When is he saying this?! As he’s doing it?

Cindee: Yeah, he never stops doing that. There will be a fucking crisis going on and Picard runs off to make a log

Martha: Well he clearly has no concept of appropriate timing for this. Because he should be using the holodeck on his ‘off’ times! Not as a stress reliever during work hours. Also! I love how he refuses to practice. Which is basically them saying ‘we can’t get him to say this same string of noises twice, make an excuse!’

Cindee: He practices for hours

Martha: Not on screen!

Cindee: Well that’d be a bit boring

Martha: How dare you.

Cindee: We just watch Patrick Stewart say some alien words for an entire episode over and over?

Martha: But yes a lovely light hearted joke at the end, whilst historian is bleeding out in sick bay

Cindee: There’s always a light-hearted joke. Hence my husband and I have our tradition of saying “HA HA HA HA HA HA, people died” at the end of the episode.

Martha: He’s definitely dead.

Cindee: Memory Alpha disagrees

Martha: If I don’t see him again he’s dead.

RIP Historian
Posted on

Gong With The Wind (AKA Haven)

Cindee: Are you getting out your M and Ms?

Martha: Oh I’ve eaten them all. So I assumed they were going to tackle arranged marriage with their usual sledgehammer tact, and I was not disappointed!

Cindee: Ha, so, it starts off with that creepy talking box, yes?

Martha: Oh god yes. Clearly they spent all the CGI budget on disco ship and had nothing left for the box…

Cindee: When I think of this episode, I think of the creepy talking box, and my hate for Lwaxana Troi…

Martha: The box spilled out a bunch of gems in a really awkward way, like those glitter bombs. Who’s gonna clean that up!?

Cindee: Wesley, maybe?

Martha: Well! That explains where Wesley is, cleaning up, cos is he fuck invited to the wedding!

Cindee: You can’t invite a 15 year old to a naked wedding.

Martha: Oh it was a naked wedding? They hardly every mentioned that…

Cindee: Well the wedding never happened…

Martha: I was being sarcastic

Cindee: OH

Martha: Lwaxana’s dialogue was mostly:
The wedding is naked
Do you want to see me naked?
I know you want to see me naked
Your husband wants to see me naked!
Which of these accessories will look better when I’m naked?
Do you like my hair? It’ll look better when I’m naked
And I’m not even exaggerating!

Cindee: I fucking hate that woman

Martha: Yeah I see your annoyance, but are you as annoyed as Deanna? Do you want to punch a gong out of your way and storm off?

Cindee: I want to punch someone most days, so

Martha: I liked that her party outfit was her work outfit but glittery. But at least she HAD a party outfit!

Cindee: Yeah it is super bizarre that they wear their uniforms like all the time

Martha: Yar made her hair fancy! And so did Crusher. I thought for a second that’s who Wyatt was drawing. Oh and Yar is all ‘woooah you get married NAKED’ Trust Yar.

Cindee: Are we really going to talk about everyone’s hair? Cause then I’m out.

Martha: Only cos you like Picard, and he has no hair.

Cindee: He has a little. Also, I like Dr. Crusher and she has hair. I just don’t give a shit about it.

Martha: It’s only because I thought she fancied it up to look like Wyatt’s pictures. But it wasn’t her. It was the residents of disco ship

Cindee: Why are you calling their ship disco ship?

Martha: Cos it’s having a goddamn rave! It’s got fancy lights like a disco and everyone in it has an infectious disease. Just like a real disco.

Cindee: Alright, you win. Disco ship. The resemblance is not as uncanny as the pokeballs though.

Martha: Only cos we don’t have discoships and I have a patent pending before you try.

Cindee: Ok, so my question, how the hell are these people and Lwaxanna old friends. They seem to hate each other!

Martha: Wasn’t it supposed to be more a friend of Troi’s dad? But yeah you can’t imagine them double dating! Anyway I’m guessing Troi’s father s dead?

Cindee: Everyone’s father is fucking dead!!

Martha: Haha! Well! You mentioned about her random accent she chose. On this her mum says she got it from her dad!!
‘Quick! Explain the accent disparity’

Cindee: Majel couldn’t do “British person badly doing American” or whatever the hell we’re gonna call Troi’s initial accent. That’s the only thing I can think to call it. I don’t think she WAS trying to do an American accent, but she sounds like a British person trying to sound American. Maybe her father was British but wished he was American

Martha: I’m sure I read the actress has some Greek parentage…

Cindee: Yeah her accent is just British though, I know because eventually the actress gets lazy and reverts back to her British accent

Martha: Here is Picard’s musings on arranged marriage

‘… it seems to me that she has become trapped by a custom of her home world which the facts of the twenty-fourth century have made unwise and unworkable. I wish I could intervene.’

Cindee: Oh Picard. Cultural relativity is not really their thing early on, is it

Martha: Hahaha well maybe they felt that they’d covered racism and sexism, so now it was religion’s turn!

Cindee: I never got the sense that it was a religious thing

Martha: I guess thats just what I associate with arranged marriage

Cindee: Riker talks about ‘habits of the beasts’ which I don’t want to know about and appears to have used the holodeck purely to create a rock to lean on. My google image searches have made me very aware of the Riker lean and he really gets into the Riker lean this episode. There’s at least 3 ponderous exaggerated leans.

Cindee: You mean his thinking face?

Martha: Well it’s not just the face. It’s his whole body

Cindee: Lol ok

Martha: So Troi flounces out, punches a gong, and goes out to have a chat with leaning Riker. In that time, they stop fighting in the hall, come to a detailed compromise about the wedding traditions, AND Wyatt even says he’s saw his dad practising NAKED in the mirror. Just how long was she gone?!

Cindee: You don’t practice being naked? I mean, it takes practice

Martha: Honestly I think I need practice haha. ALSO Why does Lwaxana have a sentient fake plant. And why doesn’t her best friend know about them if they’re a betazoid ‘pet’
Targ > plastic plant

Cindee: What does the word “sentient” mean to you

Martha: Alive…

Cindee: Well, that’s silly, plants are alive

Martha: The dictionary says ability to feel or perceive. Are you saying plants don’t have feelings…

Cindee: Yes

Martha: And she like, makes it tickle her. It’s like a snake

Cindee: So then it’s not a plant…

Martha: Okay. Why does Lwaxana have a fake plastic plant that the Star Trek producers are telling me is an animal

Cindee: Lmao, to bother the other lady obvs!

Martha: Clearly haha. Picard is getting so much better. I enjoyed him weakly taking the bag away. I enjoyed him telling Data he was circling the room like a buzzard. I LAUGHED at ‘I was not amused’ at Lwaxanas ‘joke’!

Cindee: Picard can be a funny dude

Martha: He had some top class banter today.

Cindee: ok, so, what are your thoughts on the idea that these two lovebirds have been dreaming of each other all their lives?

Martha: Erm, stupid.

Cindee: Exactly.

Martha: Like firstly, if I walk into someone’s house/disco ship, and there are drawings of me AS A CHILD all over the wall, I take my two items of medical paraphernalia. And I leave.

Cindee: well, he was drawing her all the time, too, so . . . . also, as established, he couldn’t leave once there

Martha: Drawings which he subtly put out to show his ‘fiancée’ HERE IS MY DREAM WOMAN WHO ISNT YOOOOOOOU

Cindee: Well he thought it was going to be her, so maybe he was like “I’ll creep her out by showing her a picture I drew of her”

Martha: not when he displayed them in his room Cindee! He knew it wasn’t her! He’d already met her!

Cindee: Oh, ok. well, I like to draw men I wish my husband was and put them around the house, too. Don’t we all?

Martha: As children, I hope… anyway, I don’t think he took nearly enough medica stuff to hell

Cindee: There’s only like 5 of them or whatever

Martha: Maybe I got confused but where did Crusher think he was going. Why did he need to knock out the transporter operator? Where did they think he was going?!

Cindee: Wasn’t he supposed to just beam the supplies, not himself?

Martha: Oh that would make sense

Cindee: Why Crusher would have him do it when she has plenty of minions, no one knows.

Martha: Lwaxana takes this weirdly well. As does everyone?! They even let Deana keep the jewels!

Cindee: I always figured everyone was secretly relieved. Ok, so a couple more random thoughts. How weird is it that they all figured out where Troi’s ship would be and agreed to all show up there at the same time, unannounced. I guess the creepy box did announce it, but barely before their arrival

Martha: Also Troi is clearly upset and Picard is all ‘congrats! Let’s all go to the wedding!’

Cindee: Well he’s not an empath. I mean he can’t just sense people’s feelings like Troi!

Martha: He has ZERO empathy if that’s what you mean

Cindee: Also, wtf is “genetic bonding”

Martha: I guess I assumed a fancy word for sex

Cindee: no, they were genetically bonded from childhood.

Martha: Oh weird, no idea then. Fancy alien marriage thing…

Cindee: Also, why is it a foregone conclusion that she’ll leave the ship

Martha: Also, Lwaxana is super into her status as a betazoid. Why would she marry a human? Why would she let her daughter marry a human?

Cindee: She chastises Troi for talking out loud, how the fuck does she think she’ll communicate with her new husband?

Martha: Hahaha well if she just CONCENTRATED she could sense his thoughts, like she can with sexxxxxy Riker!

Cinden: Theyre imzadi, Martha. Also I think they had to think their thoughts at each other to hear them

Martha: I don’t get their relationship. They’ve barely said a word to each other and now he’s all sulky

Cindee: They had one before, before the show

Martha: And he left her. To be a ship captain? Are there Star fleet rules about relationships and ship captaincy? I mean they apparently have a ‘no fighting at parties’ rule

Cindee: You know it’s never 100% explained, but yeah the idea is that he put his career first, but captains can get married. OK, spoilers, but I think Riker and Troi met on Betazed and then he got reassigned or something and she couldn’t go with him or whatever.

Martha: But now they’re together ALL THE TIME

Cindee: Have you never watched a TV show or something? They’ve gotta will they or won’t they. That’s how romance works on TV

Martha: Do they even still talk to each other outside of work?

Cindee: Sure

Martha: You don’t know that!

Cindee: Yes I do, I’ve seen them do it

Martha: I want to see some downtime bridge crew.

Cindee: well you’ll like later seasons then

Martha: Do they have a B team so they can have a rest

Cindee: Yes, there’s three shifts

Martha: But we only care about Picard’s shift

Cindee: Obvs

Martha: Oh no Worf this episode! It doesn’t make sense for him not to be at the wedding! Maybe Klingons can’t go to weddings

Cindee: I’ve seen Worf go to weddings

Martha: He just hates Troi?

Cindee: Maybe he hates nudity

Martha: I’m with Worf!

Cindee: Yeah me too, people should keep their fucking clothes on.