Prologue
Martha: Can you die in the holodeck?
Cindee: in theory, no. There are these things called “safety protocols” that are supposed to prevent bad things from happening
Martha: Like bullets don’t do anything, for example
Cindee: In theory
Martha: So, if the safety protocols break the hologram bullets become ACTUAL BULLETS
Cindee: That’s basically the plot of every fucking holodeck episode
Martha: WHO IS IN CHARGE?!
Cindee: Of what?
Martha: Like recently they said, when the ship started failing, that a ship this new couldn’t possibly be failing. So, who is in charge of maintaining the holodeck?!
Cindee: The engineering staff
Martha: Well, if they didn’t switch them out every so often maybe someone could get experience, and do their job properly!
Cindee: I mean, every time it happens, they act surprised. Also, they get fucking locked in the holodeck somehow, obviously
Martha: This is just simple poor maintenance. Also, how is detective noir necessary for space training?
Cindee: The holodeck is for recreation, not training. They go there to unwind, but then something goes terribly wrong, including the damn safety protocols
Martha: How does anyone get locked in anywhere
Cindee: They have some damn contrived reason every time, the reasons vary
Martha: Get Wesley on the case
Cindee: . . .
Post-Episode
Matha: HAHAHAHHA people died
Cindee: My husband will be home soon and we will go out for dinner then . . . so . . . you’ll have to wait to rant
Martha: I LITERALLY CAN’T Is that guy dead? That’s all I need to know for now.
Cindee: The historian?
Martha: Yes
Cindee: Dunno
Martha: Do they never actually come back to him? If not, he’s dead.
Cindee: Well, to be fair, there was never again a need for them to call on the skills of a 20th century earth history expert on a space ship traveling AWAY from earth. So, he could be sitting in his quarters, waiting to be needed again
Martha: Nah he’s dead. And you know what’s worse than not caring when someone dies? Or even laughing at Data when someone dies? CLAPPING!! CLAPPING WHEN SOMEONE DIES!
Cindee: I don’t remember any clapping
Martha: Crusher clapped! When he got shot she was all claps isn’t the holodeck marvelous. Oh, blood.
Cindee: Well she doesn’t realize the holodeck is a death trap yet
Martha: Just because you like her Cindee, doesn’t mean it’s ok. Also, crying is allowed in the penalty box and apparently sex is allowed on the holodeck. No wonder it keeps malfunctioning
Cindee: You think people having sex on the holodeck is why the safety protocols keep failing?
Martha: Well it can’t help. I mean this time it was an alien ‘probe.’
Cindee: Well they’ve got to contrive some reason for the holodeck to fail every time there’s a holodeck episode. Trust me, there are more ridiculous holodeck episodes. For example, the one where data wears a sombrero. According to Memory Alpha, the historian is alive.
Martha: Is that purely by omission of a eulogy
Cindee: probably just a recognition of Dr. Crusher’s skillz
Martha: Her pulse reading and ‘ignoring him for the rest of the scene’ skills. They also PUNCH A HOLOGRAM dramatically before getting him out of there. There is no urgency!
Cindee: he’s just a historian
Martha: He’s also a massive buzzkill. ‘It’s just a character from a book Picard’
Cindee: At least he’s better than the historian from TOS. They revive some people from cryogenic sleep and the historian falls in love with one of them because HE’S FROM HISTORY.
Martha: Also, this book, the guy keeps asking for an object. Doesn’t the book tell them what it is/where it is?!
Cindee: Tell who?
Martha: Data? Picard? They’ve read the book. Everything else is scenes from the book
Cindee: It’s BASED on a book. It’s interactive
Martha: Do you not think Picard was a little unprofessional to go jolly on the holodeck when he had an important meeting coming up which clearly had no set time?
Cindee: Yeah its weird to me that they all seem surprised when they arrive at destinations. They’ll set a course and then they’ll be doing something else and get a message “we’re here!!!”
Martha: Surely, it’s someone’s job to know that.
Cindee: We have to talk about this message Picard has to recite, too, though. There are episodes where they go undercover, use the universal translator, and NO ONE noticed that they aren’t actually speaking the native language. Yet here, somehow, they will know of Picard isn’t saying this greeting in their language
Martha: I thought the group sounded like a lot of effort to be honest
Cindee: The aliens?
Martha: Yes
Cindee: Don’t they just say the greeting and then head off somewhere else?
Martha: Yeah that’s it. Best mates for life. But why refuse to be friends because of a slight mispronunciation. Are they really that integral to this space programme?
Cindee: well, you refused to be Picard’s friend on account of how he pronounced sensors
Martha: Because he KNOWS how to say it.
Cindee: Does he? DOES HE?
Martha: Yes! Just like Wesley knows how to fix the holodeck! What I don’t understand is how Wesley’s mistake can cause the real people inside to CEASE TO EXIST. Die? Sure! But I expect mangled corpses on the room
Cindee: wait, wut?
Martha: That what he says! Are we even watching the same show?
Cindee: I told you, I don’t remember it well. I didn’t bother rewatching because it is a holodeck episode, thus I knew the plot: go the holodeck, something goes terribly wrong, oh no the safety protocols are fucking broken again
Martha: Well that’s what he says, and Riker’s all ‘well give it a try’ and all that happens is the doors open. Nothing actually disappears. Also, they come out of the other door so they don’t even see Wesley and pals when they come out
Cindee: Did you just refer to Geordi, Riker, and Wesley as “Wesley and pals”
Martha: There are three other generic engineers. One is probably the new chief. Why is Geordi helping anyway?
Cindee: Geordi is good at engineering
Martha: Isn’t red military and command? And gold is engineering and, navigation? (Even though Geordi seems to do most of that…)
Cindee: Navigation is red for reasons I don’t understand. Gold is engineering and security.
Martha: Of course! Security. How did I forget Yar. Right so let’s take it back a little. We’ve seen Yar use the holodeck, and Riker. So, why do they all gather round to listen to Picard’s ‘tales of the holodeck’? Why doesn’t he show them? Don’t they already KNOW what it does?!
Cindee: The UPGRADES Martha, the UPGRADES
Martha: Also, they talk about AU TO MO BEEEEELS?
Cindee: Automobile is a valid word
Martha: and instead of the many things you could say about cars, pollution, the fuels they use TEENAGERS USE THEM FOR DATING RITUALS. Goddamnit it Data. Not everything is about sex!
Cindee: Dating is not the same as sex!
Martha: American teenagers have sexy car times Cindee. I know this! IVE SEEN MOVIES
Cindee: Well apparently so has Data. Ok, but wait here, why does the word automobile bother you?
Martha: Oh it doesn’t! That’s just how Worf says it. Cos ya know, he’s a Klingon. Has never had any contact with humans ever…
Cindee: How does Worf say it?
Martha: Au… to.. mo… beeeeels? With an inflection in beels
Cindee: Presumably they wanted to show how culture and technology have changes and Worf didn’t have anything else to do, so he got to say it
Martha: Also on new earth Halloween has been cancelled
Cindee: Well it is a stupid holiday
Martha: It’s not big here. It’s about 4000 times bigger in America it seems
Cindee: Star Trek is a utopian view of the future Martha. No crime, no poverty, no Halloween
Martha: So, whilst Picard is having a fun time this very important meeting starts to happen. Wesley is in Data’s seat?! Where’s O’Brien?! Bring back O’Brien. Or dare I say it, another actually qualified member of the crew
Cindee: Well O’Brien might be trying out a different job
Martha: How do you find Crusher on the holodeck?
Cindee: With a tricorder?
Martha: I felt she went a bit ‘silly woman’ all giggly etc, which is at odds with her normal persona
Cindee: Agreed. Perhaps she was trying to be historically consistent
Martha: Oh, ALSO Picard says when describing the holodeck (in his captains logs which make no sense, he’s like ‘I’m on the holodeck to see.’ He has so many logs that are present tense! When is he saying this?! As he’s doing it?
Cindee: Yeah, he never stops doing that. There will be a fucking crisis going on and Picard runs off to make a log
Martha: Well he clearly has no concept of appropriate timing for this. Because he should be using the holodeck on his ‘off’ times! Not as a stress reliever during work hours. Also! I love how he refuses to practice. Which is basically them saying ‘we can’t get him to say this same string of noises twice, make an excuse!’
Cindee: He practices for hours
Martha: Not on screen!
Cindee: Well that’d be a bit boring
Martha: How dare you.
Cindee: We just watch Patrick Stewart say some alien words for an entire episode over and over?
Martha: But yes a lovely light hearted joke at the end, whilst historian is bleeding out in sick bay
Cindee: There’s always a light-hearted joke. Hence my husband and I have our tradition of saying “HA HA HA HA HA HA, people died” at the end of the episode.
Martha: He’s definitely dead.
Cindee: Memory Alpha disagrees
Martha: If I don’t see him again he’s dead.
