The Laughing Vulcan and His Dog
The blog where Martha watches an episode of Star Trek and then talks about it with her Trekkie friend Cindee
Martha: Hi. We’ve been incredibly inconsistent with this prime directive stuff so here is an episode where we beat you about the head with it in order to further your understanding
Cindee: hahahahaha. I feel like their answer in this one actually made some sense though? It’s been a while admittedly…
Martha: Yeah, and there was some initial intrigue! I felt the plot was fairly obvious once it got going but it was interesting
Continue reading “Just Say No (AKA Symbiosis)”Martha: Okay so there are apparently 7 children on the Enterprise?
Cindee: They very clearly stated that they took the most special ones
Martha: No way is that little ginger kid special
Cindee: Don’t tell me you’re one of those
Martha: What’s one of those?!
Cindee: People who don’t like red headed people
Martha: Haha my mum is ginger! So the answer to your question is yes. No that child is just annoying and clearly hates her parents!
Cindee: Says the women who just said she doesn’t like her mom
Martha: I don’t just run off with other random women Cindee!
Cindee: She didn’t run off, she was beamed off
Martha: Hahaha! She was well into it until Wesley was all ‘FFS we’re on hunger strike!’
Cindee: They kinda all were, except Wesley. The kid with the mind reading sculpting thing was pretty happy
Martha: Yeah Harry wasn’t interested in leaving really. Cos FUCK CALCULUS.
Cindee: Yeah they teach calculus at 10 apparently
Martha: Although his art dad is a liar. ‘Do I have to do calculus?’ ‘No…. what’s calculus’ HOW DO YOU KNOW HE DOESN’T HAVE TO DO IT THEN?
Cindee: Ok, I can’t believe we’re not first discussing the notion that they teach calculus at 10 in the future
Martha: I’m not smart enough to know what calculus is. Is it super fancy maths?
Cindee: It is a kind of math, yes. In the U.S. it is generally taken in late high school or in college.
Martha: They just unsterilised a whole bunch of people. Calculus is the least of my worries!
Cindee: I know it is a throwaway scene but I think it is a really telling reflection of American notions of education. I mean, people are always saying this silly fact here that “we only use 10% of our brain” What on earth does that mean? And how do they know it? And we have this notion here that we are “losing” at education and the answer is to teach our kids more and faster. Then we take away things like recess and stuff, and for what?
Martha: Erm we mapped the brain Cindee. And only like 10% had stuff on. Okay so let’s go back to the beginning as I have many issues. Firstly, Crusher kicks off when the people beam aboard because they haven’t been through decontamination.
Cindee: Yes
Martha: When has ANYONE been through decontamination before?
Cindee: The transporter does it when it beams people. It’s a well-established fact.
Martha: And they’re sterile . . . seriously how does restoring the ozone layer make them fertile again?! THATS NOT A THING
Cindee: They don’t just restore the ozone, they do some medical treatments, too
Martha: ‘And we know they’ll be great parents because they kidnapped ours and made a dolphin’
Cindee: I can’t believe you’re not noticing the fact that the show claimed that in the 21st century, there was an infertility epidemic on earth!
Martha: Well to be fair she just said that the ozone layer was failing…
Cindee: And that it caused the infertility!
Martha: Well maybe they thought it was going to… Making us all pale….And photosensitive
Cindee: Star Trek has a nice long history of wildly predicting all sorts of things in the near future. Like, TOS claimed in the 1990s there were be some Eugenics Wars where genetically engineered people were all like “woah we’re superior” and tried to take over and then in DS9, even though that clearly never happened, they still act like it did! Personally, I’m looking forward to 2024, we’re gonna solve inequality then.
Martha: But anyway, Riker has been the most suspicious man ever on all occasions apart from this one time when he needed to be suspicious. And Wesley has a new skill: sleight of hand!
Cindee: well apparently he and his mom have a magic routine they’ve been practicing
Martha: That explains it!
Cindee: Ok, so let’s recap for our reader. We’re all over the place here.
Martha: How dare you
Cindee: Picard summons Riker to the bridge cause in the couple of months he’s known him, he has learned Riker is obsessed with some stupid story. Riker tells the story, and then it becomes real!
Martha: And he’s not suspicious even though he’s always suspicious. Troi is suspicious. But no one cares.
Cindee: Other than the apples in the pilot, when else his Riker been suspicious?
Martha: He was suspicious about the space station
Cindee: That’s the same episode!
Martha: No the one with evil Picard!
Cindee: Oh fine. Anyways, so yes, Troi has some oddly specific read on these people
Martha: INCREDIBLY SPECIFIC!
Cindee: “they want something that we will not want to give them!”
Martha: ALSO! She says she feels hundreds (thousands?) of minds. When they can’t see the planet
Cindee: So?
Martha: There’s 9, Troi.
Cindee: That we see
Martha: He says there are few left. And the fish are dead, Cindee. And the dolphins are all wooden.
Cindee: I don’t think he literally meant a few
Martha: I don’t think 7 children are sufficient to placate thousands of people. Or restart a species.
Cindee: I dunno, Adam and Eve’s sons did it somehow
Martha: Biblical incest
Cindee: Ok, well this will be non-biblical incest
Martha: This episode had no sex. Yet here we are…
Cindee: Well, that’s on you. ANYWAYS, the people beam aboard with a giant cornucopia.
Martha: Much to Crusher’s fury. Crusher is upset they haven’t been decontaminated.
Cindee: They leave on account of the bright lights
Martha: Like gremlins
Cindee: And then beam down Riker, Troi, and Crusher and Picard is like INTERESTING CHOICES. WTF does that mean Picard?
Martha: WOMEN
Cindee: Yeah . . .
MarthaL Clearly they enjoyed Crusher’s cardigan. With her big pockets.
Cindee: It’s a lab coat. She’s a doctor.
Martha: It’s a cardigan
Cindee: Lab coat
Martha: Lab cardigan
Cindee: Meanwhile, on the planet we learn that other species don’t give a shit about their kids
Martha: You take that back! That ginger kid is adored! Wesley gets level 3 clearance to… something and stuff and things! Wooden dolphin! Mind music! And I’m sure the other 3 no one cared about did stuff!
Cindee: No, I mean how Troi is like “humans are unusually attached to their children”
Martha: Oh indeed!! Fucking weird humans.
Cindee: I don’t remember what happened next, just that later they swipe the kids
Martha: Basically they’re all ‘oh clearly you won’t give them up, whatever’ and nick them
Cindee: And that the custodian predicted Wesley would be the leader
Martha: Well he got that right
Cindee: NO SHIT SHERLOCK HE’S THE OLDEST
Martha: Imagine if little Alexandra was the boss. With her fluffy toy.
Cindee: They’d have never left. They’d all just be playing hide and seek still. So, the kids are bizarrely not that upset and they all get their mind reading art tools.
Martha: Well as Crusher says, they knew what they signed up for. Clearly the children were told that ‘hey, you might get kidnapped.’
Cindee: And the children signed terms of service agreement. But they were like the iTunes agreement, no one read them!
Martha: I promise not to sue star fleet:
A) if we’re kidnapped
B ) if the holodeck kills us
C ) if we are mentally scarred by being forced to do RnR on a sex planet
D) if we trust the wrong Data and get eaten by a crystal entity
E) if a space jellyfish stings us
F) if our hope is crushed by a terrible hug from Picard
Cindee: Yeah, that whole “Picard is afraid of kids” thing is back. This time Riker’s not there to protect him.
Martha: YOU HAD ONE JOB RIKER
Cindee: Then Crusher and Crusher do their magic routine.
Martha: I thought this planet was super advanced. How did she not see that? How didn’t they realise she had tech in her massive lab cardigan pockets?
Cindee: Because Martha, they’re all dumb from being dependent on their computer! They only things they can do are operate mind-reading art tools!
Martha: That was a big missed opportunity plot wise too. They knew nothing about the computer. We know nothing about the computer other than the shield it made affected the ozone layer. And I guess they’re gonna have to switch it off?
Cindee: So they fling the Enterprise away, and meanwhile Wesley fancies himself to be Ghandi
Martha: And does nothing except find the kids
Cindee: Yes and teach them about passive resistance. The Enterprise returns and the old guy asks Picard to make the kids eat
Martha: Like this place is too soft. If you really want the kids fling the enterprise off properly
Cindee: Meanwhile, Riker and Data are sneaking about on a hostile planet, and don’t have their phasers. Riker doesn’t even bring his own tricorder!
Martha: ERM HE HAS NO POCKETS.
Cindee: Data gives up real fast on breaking into the computer and “scrambles” it instead, whatever that means
Martha: Which could have been handy if Wesley could have used his access to save them. But no. No plot for you!
Cindee: True. He tells Picard he understands the computer and Picard is like “that’s nice”
Martha: It ended up very similar to sexy planet, with them just beaming them off. Instead of a god it was a shield
Cindee: There was no speech. Also, they hung around and helped them with their problems, cause humans are better than other species
Martha: Data needs to remember what Picard told him: everything is impossible, until it is not…
Cindee: Do not question a Picardism, Martha
Martha: Well it’s fine if he lived by it himself. It’s only Data who has to solve impossible century old problems on a daily basis
Cindee: like the Picard maneuver?
Martha: Yes It’s impossible to get through this shield! Only cos you haven’t bothered to find a way yet Data!
Cindee: Anyways, in a terrifying ending, Picard has to be hugged by a child. And everyone laughs, which is stupid, but at least not insulting to anyone’s memory.
Martha: Yeah no one actually died!
Martha: P FOR PICARD!
Cindee: (no response)
Martha: OMG why are you not there?! I need to get this out quickly. I don’t have Troi to hypnotise me to remember all the things I have forgotten!
Cindee: Hahahahahaha. Ok, so, first thoughts?
Martha: My first overarching thought is ‘this made absolutely zero sense’
Cindee: Ok, true. But that’s your main objection here?
Martha: I mean I suppose as a ‘woke’ millennial (I’m too old to be a millennial) I should be most upset at them condescending and belittling the two random cultures they brought aboard
Cindee: Ok, first of all, you are so a millennial
Martha: IF YOU WANT ME TO SAY IM UPSET WITH SHERLOCK DATA I WONT
Cindee: Second of all, my main objection to Data and his pipe is not the pipe itself, but the fact that A MAN JUST DIED and everyone is all like “hahaha, who cares, Data is funny”
Martha: Oh god yes they barely touch on that
Cindee: THEY NEVER DO. At least usually they wait till the end of the episode for their light-hearted moment though
Martha: But it does explain why in two episodes both the chief engineer and the assistant chief engineer have changed since Naked Now. They’re just dying left right and centre!
Cindee: As much as I’d love to say it’s cause they’re racist, they never give a shit when anyone dies. My husband and I even have a running joke where at the end of the episode where they have their little light-hearted moment we both go “HA HA HA HA HA . . . people died”
Martha: I think he’s the first death. Well, that also extends to their alien counterparts. Yar rushes in to say ‘there’s blood everywhere and we can’t find a passenger’
Cindee: Yeah, I know right?
Martha: And Riker is all ‘CANT THIS WAIT ONE MINUTE PICARD IS BACK!!’
Cindee: They just find out that one of the aliens dying and about to be EATEN and they’re all like WHATEVER. They make this huge deal about how they’re all vegetarians, but oh well, that sentient being is gonna be eaten.
Martha: But Picard is back!!!! You’re just not seeing the bigger picture here Yar!
Cindee: Right, cause his physical form was saved in the pattern buffer. CAUSE THAT’S A THING.
Martha: None of it made any sense. Him beaming out into space. That being fine.
Cindee: And being one with a cloud
Martha: Him writing a P on LaForge’s terminal
Cindee: That’s the part that made the MOST sense
Martha: Him being able to ‘get into the ships circuits’
Cindee: Ok, but let’s rewind here
MarthaL Yeah there’s so much I have no order to my thoughts.
CindeeDid you not notice the part where Troi and Crusher talk to Worf about the memory loss he had, and he says he doesn’t remember having any memory loss?
Martha: Yes! And Troi hypnotises then and says ‘remember back to when you first remember having the feeling of having memory loss’
Cindee: With her fancy device
Martha: REMEMBER WHEN YOU FORGOT? Tell me about that!
Cindee: In the future, hypnosis is a legit thing, cause they perfected the technology.
Martha: Troi was the worst. I bought her ‘duality of man’ argument at first, why she didn’t report her feelings.
Cindee: you DID?
Martha: BUT THEN IMMEDIATELY AFTER IT HAPPENS TO PICARD. And she says NOTHING
Cindee: She kinda gets a look on her face
Martha: A super helpful look. A look of ‘I should probably say something…. but… nah’ But, shout out to Worf’s electrocution acting
Cindee: Ok, so, speaking of which, he was in sensor control and Picard said sensors again
Martha: I didn’t have a problem with any pronunciation of sensors this time. It’s different…
Cindee: I see. Maybe earlier Patrick Stewart had legit never said the word before, and then everyone but Marina Sirtis was like “whatevs, prolly how British people said it” and then Sirtis eventually got around to telling him
Martha: She’s the only sensor they need
Cindee: You do know she’s British, right?
Martha: I did not!
Cindee: She made up some “other” accent that was supposed to be “alien”
Martha: Wesley has the same jumper on as last episode which is upsetting
Cindee: I’m sorry to tell you eventually he just wears the same shirt every day. What did you think of Dr. Crusher’s medical headgear?
Martha: Absolutely perfect! I see medical technology has improved so much
Cindee: To my knowledge, it is the only time she wears that contraption.
Martha: Well are they ever faced with an electrocution again? It seems highly specific
Cindee: Oh, which reminds me, back to our poor friend the assistant chief engineer, I like how no attempt is made to revive him
Martha: No he’s definitely dead
Cindee: Even now we’ve got CPR for that situation
MarthaL Unlike that alien that got poisoned who was dead and Crusher fixes her. And the traveler who she revived despite him being an utter unknown. This guy is definitely dead.
Cindee: Yeah they’re super inconsistent on when they try to revive someone and when they’re just like “nope, dead”
Martha: He was introduced simply to be killed off. He’s a red shirt! (I know that!) Oh also, in the pilot there was a curly haired guy who was on the bridge. He hasn’t been in it for a few episodes, now he’s relegated to ‘alien corridor escort’
Cindee: Oh you mean O’Brien?
Martha: I believe he had an Irish/Scottish accent so, almost certainly yes.
Cindee: Yeah, O’Brien is around for a while, but really struggles with what job he wants apparently. Also, his rank mysteriously changes several times
Martha: Well he’s done a terrible job at escorting the aliens through corridors, because ones being eaten as we speak
Cindee: yeah, well I think that was his only stint as alien escort man
Martha: Okay I’m trying to think of if there’s anything else. Oh! Wesley didn’t save the day but he would have were he given the chance!!!
Cindee: He would have? Oh right, the assistant chief engineer is like “go to class, captain’s orders!”
Martha: And how was he punished? DEATH. Are we certain Wesley didn’t do it?
Cindee: Good point. His revenge for being sent to class?
Martha: This is much darker than anticipated