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What’s a knockout like you doing in a computer generated gin bar like this? (AKA 11001001)

Martha: Does this count as a holodeck episode?

Cindee: Not to me. The holodeck is involved, but it’s not the plot.

Martha: I disliked Riker this episode, honestly I didnt enjoy this episode all that much…

Cindee: I didn’t say you would!

Martha: Although i would like a “personal relaxation light” if you know what I mean…. seriously, what does it mean?

Cindee: Um. Wut.

Martha: You’re too busy looking at the bigger existential picture Cindee!!

Cindee: That is usually true

Martha: When they get to the big space station thats what Picard says he wants to do, put on his personal relaxation light and read a novel.

Cindee: I see

Martha: Worf and Yar are off playing ‘parrises squares’. I imagine many people are dead as Worf is taking it very seriously.

Cindee: Yeah why does Riker wander about the ship and see all the supporting characters before the main action? Perhaps so the actors don’t feel left out.

Martha: Hahahah! Yes Riker absolutely does go on a random wander just to check everyone has a job. Data is painting. Crusher is solving a disease. Troi doesn’t fucking exist.

Cindee: Yeah Data is always making paintings, I’m not sure what is up with that.

Martha: So Riker can make ‘hilarious’ quips about the blind man teaching the android to paint!

Cindee: Oh wow that’s nice and ableist. As for parrises squares, they always talk about it but never explain how it is played. Like they talk about it in all three series. Apparently it is really dangerous, though. Anyway my ride is here, I have to go…

Martha: Thats fine. I will just stew over Riker’s paint by numbers hot chick.

*interlude of solace and despair whilst Martha contemplates why she is doing this, and if Cindee will ever return*

Cindee: Where were we…

Martha: Okay! Let me get my notes!

Cindee: You took NOTES?

Martha: I take notes every episode. Otherwise I forget the good quotes SUCH AS ‘What’s a knockout like you doing in a computer generated gin bar like this?’

Cindee: What are you talking about, that’s a great pickup line. That’s how my husband and I met. He said that to me.

Martha: I hope he was leaning against something at the time

Cindee: Well, like Riker, he is a tall man.

Martha: Do we find it creepy that Riker had the holodeck rustle up his perfect physical woman?

Cindee: I find it creepy whenever a character has some sort of romance with a holodeck character

Martha: And then Picard walks in! It’s the equivalent of walking in on someone with a sex doll… but its totally normal! Yeah it’s super creepy especially as she knows exactly what she is too (unlike, I assume, the other holodeck characters?)

Cindee: Yeah most don’t, usually when they figure it out, we’ve got a damn holodeck episode on our hands.

Martha: Also I can really do without Riker playing the trombone. This is why it felt like a holodeck episode to me as it was fully of stupid holodeck stuff alongside the real world plot.

CIndee: Well. I’ve got some REALLY bad news for you. It’s one of his main character traits. There’s this one episode where Crusher is describing everyone, and that’s like the first thing she says about him.

Martha: Seriously?! The TROMBONE urgh. Okay I’m out Cindee. I WAS PROMISED SPACE ADVENTURE. BOLDY GOING WHERE NO MAN HAS GONE BEFORE. Not fucking trombones!!!

Cindee: Do you have something against trombones in particular, characters have to have personality traits for Crusher to explain in that episode.

Martha: Riker has this slightly creepy smiley eye thing, and whilst blowing a trombone his sexy eyes at the lady was just… I can’t!

Creepy trombone eyes

Cindee: I keep telling you Martha, that’s how my husband and I met. STOP JUDGING US

Martha: So, potentially one of the worst almost disasters to happen to the ship so far, and where is Picard and his number one? ARSING ABOUT ON THE HOLODECK

Cindee: well, yes.

Martha: Typical. Like they’re upgrading the ship, they should not be on the ship, I don’t care if Riker is testing out the ‘upgrades’ get off the damn Enterprise!

Cindee: Well the bynars had it covered

Martha: I didnt mind that bit. They were okay. I don’t quite understand how Picard and Riker managed to download the planet back to the planet merely by looking at it, but that’s the least of my worries…

Cindee: Yeah I kinda like the Bynars themselves

Martha: Yeah they made sense overall. Plus they had snazzy information bum bags And who doesn’t love a bum bag?

Cindee: Is that a Britishism? Bum bag?

Martha: Hahaha yes. You call it a fanny pack. But a fanny is a vagina here. So we don’t call it that.

Cindee: oh wow. ok. This information will come in handy when I next visit England.

Martha: Hahah. Yes So yes we don’t mind the Bynars. I hope they don’t get in too much trouble from evil twin Picard.

Cindee: Evil twin Picard?

Martha: Yeah, the other bald captain who is like Picard’s evil twin because he has a beard. He also has a fancy name but I didn’t write it in my notes

Cindee: Dude. you’re thinking of TOS.

Martha: I am not I haven’t even seen it haha

Cindee: Where did you see this evil Picard?

Picard and his evil twin Quinteros

Martha: ITS LIKE A GODDAMN MIRROR

Cndee: Welp. I forgot about THAT. Fun fact: as established by the mirror universe Spock, in Star Trek, goatee = EVIL

Martha: See he’s evil Picard!

Cindee: Right that’s why at first I was like “is she thinking of TOS or what?” What is the point of that guy?

Martha: He’s just there to like, tell them a bit about the Bynars, and also tell Data and Yar there are no more ships to go help the Enterprise.

Cindee: Wait and Data and Yar don’t notice the damn goatee?

Martha: Well they can’t start distrusting Riker in 10 or so episodes. Plot twist, that’s evil Riker…

Cindee: No, he has a full board, not a goatee

Martha: Hahaha okay! Wesley kiiiinda saves the day. Well he tries. Turns out it’s all a false alarm anyway

Cindee: Right, cause they just want to borrow the ship to download their computer files. The Enterprise is thus a flying flash drive

Martha: It’s the only half decent ship in the galaxy. Despite them having problems with the holodeck…. you don’t say Picard!! I continue to like Data. He was good this episode, evacuated everyone, felt super guilty about everything. I like him

Cindee: Well they aren’t downloading their planet into the holodeck

Martha: Because the holodeck is simply a sexy distraction!

Cindee: No, its a death trap

Martha: Why don’t they just board it up after like, the second death. And be like just watch a fucking movie okay?!

Cindee: They never learn…

Martha: The historian is dead (RIP) Wesley unleashed a snowball virus. Riker has ghonnorhea…

Cindee: They keep using them and things keep going wrong all the way through Voyager, Seriously, someone get on those safety protocols or the Russians are going to hack them so easily.

Martha: So yeah, I wish they had concentrated more on the Bynars. Perhaps more info about them and their planet and the space station they docked at. And none of this sexy holodeck jazz brotherly nonsense

Cindee: brotherly?

Martha: Brothel. My phone keeps changing brothel to brother. That’s not good.

Cindee: Yes, you probably frequently talk about brothels, so this will be a serious problem in the future… Anyway at the end, doesn’t Riker go back to the holodeck and now she’s no good?

Martha:  Hahaha oh god yeah! Like I don’t get that, was Minuet like temporary? Why? How would that be a thing? And he tried ALL THE WOMEN but none were the same haha.

Cindee: I think the implication was that the Bynars had magically make the holodeck better, and now that they were gone it wasn’t again, which, why they’d take that away, I dunno.

Martha: Maybe because Riker was grossing them out. If I was Minuet I’d hot foot it out of the holodeck. Yeah like so she was a response to what he wanted whereas the holodeck normally just had pre programmed ‘characters’

Cindee: So, the holodeck read his damn mind?

Martha: Well he does say at some point she was saying exactly what he wanted her too. And Picard was saying how well she responded to… input. Poor Troi. No wonder she wasn’t in this episode!

Cindee: I sometimes wonder where Troi is when it would be handy for someone to be able to read people’s emotions… oh yeah doesn’t she talk in French to him?

Martha: Hahah yes she talks French to Picard…And Rikers all ‘hands off!!’ Haha

Cindee: Does HE say anything in french to indicate he is French, otherwise, why not just talk in a British accent.

Martha: No, she starts it from his name when he is introduced

Cindee: Oh, I see

Martha: But the holodeck isn’t healthy. No one will ever live up to Rikers perfect woman he created.

Cindee: I dunno, he seems to find other women to love

Martha: He’s a tart.

Cindee: A tart? Like, a pop tart?

Martha: Yes. A sexy pop tart.

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Flim Flam Man (AKA Hide and Q)

Cindee: So, Q is back

Martha: As a three headed snake bubble. Which is just great!

Cindee: Well, Q can appear as anything.

Martha: As we are made painfully aware of throughout.

Cindee: Wait, did you LIKE this episode?

Martha: No I don’t.

Cindee: Whew, Q episodes, unlike Ferengi episodes, do actually get better… mostly

Martha: So, Q has taken a bit of a shine to Riker, (Let’s face it, who hasn’t), and is going to test him as some sort of elaborate plan not unlike the confusing elaborate plan of the pilot.

Cindee: That about sums it up

Martha: Spoilers – I assumed by the end that Q had upset the rest of the Q’s and was going to be, put in Q jail… I find the Q actor a little creepy.

Cindee: In what way?

Martha: I dunno, wide eyes and creepy smile when he’s in his various disguises.

Cindee: That’s quite the bizarre detail to nitpick at

Martha: I will nitpick at anything I can, and you can’t stop me!

Cindee: I wasn’t trying to stop you, I was nitpicking your nitpicking

Martha: So off they go to game island, I was actually looking forward to what they had planned for the game, Q was described multiple times as ‘creative’ so I was genuinely interested. Turns out the ‘game’ is dressed up ‘animal things’ trying to kill them. Not a game. Not a game AT ALL!

Cindee: What did you expect, Wizard Chess?

Martha: I’d have accepted anything that remotely resembled a game. Not Worf running at the ‘animal things’ (they call them animal things about 4 times) them using their fazers to blow up rocks and animal things.

Cindee: Well, to be fair, there was  penalty box

Martha: THERE WAS NO RULES about the penalty box.

Cindee: Sure there was: one person at a time

Martha: The penalty box lasted 5 minutes. He said ‘penalty over’ yet Yar did not return? No one else went to the penalty box because there was no parameters set for penalty box admission! But, crying IS allowed in the penalty box.

Cindee: Hahah! So, you expected a character we already know to be fairly erratic and arbitrary not to be?

Martha: I wanted there to be some STORY to the episode. Not just ‘oh you guys are gonna get attacked in this game, then I’ll tell Riker I’ve gave him a power, and then he can save you guys because I’ve told him to, and then, more stuff’

Cindee: I don’t know where these expectations came from! What show have you been watching?

Martha: LMAO. I know, what’s wrong with me!? So, Ive accidentally spoiled myself when looking for a FB photo for the blog as I noticed all the cast photos have everyone BUT Yar, so I imagine she’s not long for this world…

Cindee: Maybe she’s just invisible

Martha: But today in ‘who does Yar fancy this episode?’ the answer is *drumroll* PICARD!!!!

Cindee: What makes you think she is into Picard?

Martha: When she’s in the penalty box, she makes it very clear.

Cindee: If you say so . . .

Martha: Okay you’re making me find it!

Cindee: *taps fingers, impatiently*

Martha: PICARD: Don’t worry. There’s a new ship’s standing order on the Bridge. When one is in the penalty box, tears are permitted.

TASHA: Captain. Oh, if you weren’t a captain.

Q: Consorting with lower rank females, Captain? Especially ones in penalty boxes? Destructive to discipline, they say. But then again, you’re what? You’re only human? Penalty over.

Martha: And she makes googly eyes when she says it.

Cindee: Maybe it was non-romantic love

Martha: IN STAR TREK?? NO. Sexy parties, sexy planets, sexy Data. EVERYTHING IS SEXY

Cindee: Ok so anyways…

Martha: So Worf throws himself at the animal things, isn’t very successful at being a warrior. He then jumps at an exploded rock shouting drop your weapons at Riker, again, not a very succesful warrior.

Cindee: Well he’s young. You forgot about Picard spouting Shakespeare!

Martha: Meanwhile Q is on the Enterprise whilst the directors make the most out of the fact that Patrick Stewart did a lot of Shakespeare by making him reads loads of Shakespeare

Martha: I DID NOT!

Cindee: JINX

Martha: Definitely get that free Shakespeare in

Cindee: Yeah, they don’t stop doing that, by the by.

Martha: I’m into it. It’s fine. So, Riker gets Q powers, does some sexy laughing. Saves everyone, has a little chat with Q where Q seems to imply humans will evolve past Q and therefore they want a human to, help them grow?

Cindee: What was sexy about his laughing?

Martha: It’s Riker…. Everything he does is sexy, INCLUDING his sexy ignoring of Picard, his sexy calling him Jean Luc…

Cindee: I see

Martha: So I think the main amazingness of this episode is Riker granting everyone’s wishes.

Cindee: Sure, like a genie

Martha: La Forge’s is fairly standard, sight, and obviously he fancies the pants of Yar. Wesley apparently wanted to be 40 years old and still wearing the same jumper. Poor Wesley, he got killed AND rebuffed from the bridge in the same episode.

Cindee: Ok, I’m not an expert on going from being blind to not being blind, but I don’t think that it would be that simple. How would you know what anything you were looking at was?

Martha: Well, I suppose he has had some vision with all his different visor settings, so this is just a new ‘setting’

Cindee: I guess. Anyways, yes, Riker think Wesley wants to be old, and wear the same shirt.

Martha: Bless Wesley. Everyone’s immediate response to seeing him, even his own mother, is ‘Wesley we’re busy’ ‘Wesley this doesnt concern you’ So, Worf’s greatest wish OBVIOUSLY is a woman he can bang without destroying! However, sex appears to be, fighting??

Cindee: Ok, so there’s a couple things there: first, it is actually fairly well established later on that Worf is not a fan of casual sex

Martha: So, Riker was totally off base thinking he wanted a lady Klingon?

Cindee: Seems that way to me, as for the violence part, yes it is implied that Klingon sex is violent on many occasions.

Martha: In season 3 do they just start again and ignore the first two seasons ‘implications.’

Cindee: Not ENTIRELY…

Martha: Riker also states that Worf has ‘no connection to his people’ WHAT ABOUT THE TARG EH

Cindee: Ok, so yeah, Riker is assuming a lot of shit about Worf

Martha: Also, why dont they speak Klingon when she shows up, instead of just, growling?

Cindee: Like, why does he need a connection to “his people”? Why are “his people” even Klingons? He was raised by humans

Martha: Well he has said a few times that he’s a Klingon, like when he wanted to stay with Picard he said he cannot leave his captain as a Klingon, and Picard is all ‘YOU ARE A STAR FLEET OFFICER!!’ Plus Sash!

Cindee: Yes, I agree that Worf is all into being Klingon. I am just arguing that overall that doesn’t make a lot of sense to me

Martha: Does he speak Klingon? That would maybe explain the growling…

Cindee: He does speak Klingon. Who taught him? I dunno. You’re culturally British cause you were raised there. If you were raised here, you’d be culturally American. You wouldn’t be calling shirts jumpers.

Martha: But I would definitely have a traditionally British pet, like a Shetland pony

Cindee: Well obviously. That’s genetic

Martha: And I’d wear a traditional British garment at all times. Like, one of those bearskin hats. AND WHEN I HAD SEX WITH AMERICAN MEN I WOULD DESTROY THEM

Cindee: See, that’s what I’m saying, it makes no sense.

Martha: When was his background established? Because it’s all over the place right now.

Cindee: I feel like the implication is that in general, your genes or whatever have a much bigger impact on your environment, which I’m not on board with. Worf’s background, you learn bits a pieces here and there. He was raised by humans from a very young age. Eventually you’ll meet his parents. They’re walking stereotypes. There’s other details, but SPOILERS. So, that was all the wishes yeah? He wants to make Pinocchio a real boy but Data says no before he does it, yeah? Or actually, they’re not really wishes, they’re Riker’s assumptions of wishes

Martha: Data refuses the real boy yes haha. We don’t get to find out Yar’s wishes because they’re unsuitable for broadcast. Or Picards. Or Dr Crushers… but again, filth

Cindee: We haven’t found out what anyone wishes, just what Riker thinks they wish, and since Riker is very dumb . . .

Martha: That’s true. So yeah Picard calls out Q as a ‘flim flam man’ Riker apologises to Picard for being an idiot and he feels very silly, Picard replies ‘quite right so you should!’

Cindee: Well, Riker is an idiot. I mean, you’ve seen his thinking face

Martha: Hahahah! I like Riker. I don’t want him to get a beard.

Cindee: I dislike Riker.

Martha: Oh also Riker gets on a chair just fine so clearly that hasn’t started yet. INCONSISTENT

Cindee: Haha, ok, so, Riker’s an idiot, end of episode.