Martha: Okay so there are apparently 7 children on the Enterprise?
Cindee: They very clearly stated that they took the most special ones
Martha: No way is that little ginger kid special
Cindee: Don’t tell me you’re one of those
Martha: What’s one of those?!
Cindee: People who don’t like red headed people
Martha: Haha my mum is ginger! So the answer to your question is yes. No that child is just annoying and clearly hates her parents!
Cindee: Says the women who just said she doesn’t like her mom
Martha: I don’t just run off with other random women Cindee!
Cindee: She didn’t run off, she was beamed off
Martha: Hahaha! She was well into it until Wesley was all ‘FFS we’re on hunger strike!’
Cindee: They kinda all were, except Wesley. The kid with the mind reading sculpting thing was pretty happy
Martha: Yeah Harry wasn’t interested in leaving really. Cos FUCK CALCULUS.
Cindee: Yeah they teach calculus at 10 apparently
Martha: Although his art dad is a liar. ‘Do I have to do calculus?’ ‘No…. what’s calculus’ HOW DO YOU KNOW HE DOESN’T HAVE TO DO IT THEN?
Cindee: Ok, I can’t believe we’re not first discussing the notion that they teach calculus at 10 in the future
Martha: I’m not smart enough to know what calculus is. Is it super fancy maths?
Cindee: It is a kind of math, yes. In the U.S. it is generally taken in late high school or in college.
Martha: They just unsterilised a whole bunch of people. Calculus is the least of my worries!
Cindee: I know it is a throwaway scene but I think it is a really telling reflection of American notions of education. I mean, people are always saying this silly fact here that “we only use 10% of our brain” What on earth does that mean? And how do they know it? And we have this notion here that we are “losing” at education and the answer is to teach our kids more and faster. Then we take away things like recess and stuff, and for what?
Martha: Erm we mapped the brain Cindee. And only like 10% had stuff on. Okay so let’s go back to the beginning as I have many issues. Firstly, Crusher kicks off when the people beam aboard because they haven’t been through decontamination.
Martha: When has ANYONE been through decontamination before?
Cindee: The transporter does it when it beams people. It’s a well-established fact.
Martha: And they’re sterile . . . seriously how does restoring the ozone layer make them fertile again?! THATS NOT A THING
Cindee: They don’t just restore the ozone, they do some medical treatments, too
Martha: ‘And we know they’ll be great parents because they kidnapped ours and made a dolphin’
Cindee: I can’t believe you’re not noticing the fact that the show claimed that in the 21st century, there was an infertility epidemic on earth!
Martha: Well to be fair she just said that the ozone layer was failing…
Cindee: And that it caused the infertility!
Martha: Well maybe they thought it was going to… Making us all pale….And photosensitive
Cindee: Star Trek has a nice long history of wildly predicting all sorts of things in the near future. Like, TOS claimed in the 1990s there were be some Eugenics Wars where genetically engineered people were all like “woah we’re superior” and tried to take over and then in DS9, even though that clearly never happened, they still act like it did! Personally, I’m looking forward to 2024, we’re gonna solve inequality then.
Martha: But anyway, Riker has been the most suspicious man ever on all occasions apart from this one time when he needed to be suspicious. And Wesley has a new skill: sleight of hand!
Cindee: well apparently he and his mom have a magic routine they’ve been practicing
Martha: That explains it!
Cindee: Ok, so let’s recap for our reader. We’re all over the place here.
Martha: How dare you
Cindee: Picard summons Riker to the bridge cause in the couple of months he’s known him, he has learned Riker is obsessed with some stupid story. Riker tells the story, and then it becomes real!
Martha: And he’s not suspicious even though he’s always suspicious. Troi is suspicious. But no one cares.
Cindee: Other than the apples in the pilot, when else his Riker been suspicious?
Martha: He was suspicious about the space station
Cindee: That’s the same episode!
Martha: No the one with evil Picard!
Cindee: Oh fine. Anyways, so yes, Troi has some oddly specific read on these people
Martha: INCREDIBLY SPECIFIC!
Cindee: “they want something that we will not want to give them!”
Martha: ALSO! She says she feels hundreds (thousands?) of minds. When they can’t see the planet
Martha: There’s 9, Troi.
Cindee: That we see
Martha: He says there are few left. And the fish are dead, Cindee. And the dolphins are all wooden.
Cindee: I don’t think he literally meant a few
Martha: I don’t think 7 children are sufficient to placate thousands of people. Or restart a species.
Cindee: I dunno, Adam and Eve’s sons did it somehow
Martha: Biblical incest
Cindee: Ok, well this will be non-biblical incest
Martha: This episode had no sex. Yet here we are…
Cindee: Well, that’s on you. ANYWAYS, the people beam aboard with a giant cornucopia.
Martha: Much to Crusher’s fury. Crusher is upset they haven’t been decontaminated.
Cindee: They leave on account of the bright lights
Martha: Like gremlins
Cindee: And then beam down Riker, Troi, and Crusher and Picard is like INTERESTING CHOICES. WTF does that mean Picard?
Cindee: Yeah . . .
MarthaL Clearly they enjoyed Crusher’s cardigan. With her big pockets.
Cindee: It’s a lab coat. She’s a doctor.
Martha: It’s a cardigan
Cindee: Lab coat
Martha: Lab cardigan
Cindee: Meanwhile, on the planet we learn that other species don’t give a shit about their kids
Martha: You take that back! That ginger kid is adored! Wesley gets level 3 clearance to… something and stuff and things! Wooden dolphin! Mind music! And I’m sure the other 3 no one cared about did stuff!
Cindee: No, I mean how Troi is like “humans are unusually attached to their children”
Martha: Oh indeed!! Fucking weird humans.
Cindee: I don’t remember what happened next, just that later they swipe the kids
Martha: Basically they’re all ‘oh clearly you won’t give them up, whatever’ and nick them
Cindee: And that the custodian predicted Wesley would be the leader
Martha: Well he got that right
Cindee: NO SHIT SHERLOCK HE’S THE OLDEST
Martha: Imagine if little Alexandra was the boss. With her fluffy toy.
Cindee: They’d have never left. They’d all just be playing hide and seek still. So, the kids are bizarrely not that upset and they all get their mind reading art tools.
Martha: Well as Crusher says, they knew what they signed up for. Clearly the children were told that ‘hey, you might get kidnapped.’
Cindee: And the children signed terms of service agreement. But they were like the iTunes agreement, no one read them!
Martha: I promise not to sue star fleet:
A) if we’re kidnapped
B ) if the holodeck kills us
C ) if we are mentally scarred by being forced to do RnR on a sex planet
D) if we trust the wrong Data and get eaten by a crystal entity
E) if a space jellyfish stings us
F) if our hope is crushed by a terrible hug from Picard
Cindee: Yeah, that whole “Picard is afraid of kids” thing is back. This time Riker’s not there to protect him.
Martha: YOU HAD ONE JOB RIKER
Cindee: Then Crusher and Crusher do their magic routine.
Martha: I thought this planet was super advanced. How did she not see that? How didn’t they realise she had tech in her massive lab cardigan pockets?
Cindee: Because Martha, they’re all dumb from being dependent on their computer! They only things they can do are operate mind-reading art tools!
Martha: That was a big missed opportunity plot wise too. They knew nothing about the computer. We know nothing about the computer other than the shield it made affected the ozone layer. And I guess they’re gonna have to switch it off?
Cindee: So they fling the Enterprise away, and meanwhile Wesley fancies himself to be Ghandi
Martha: And does nothing except find the kids
Cindee: Yes and teach them about passive resistance. The Enterprise returns and the old guy asks Picard to make the kids eat
Martha: Like this place is too soft. If you really want the kids fling the enterprise off properly
Cindee: Meanwhile, Riker and Data are sneaking about on a hostile planet, and don’t have their phasers. Riker doesn’t even bring his own tricorder!
Martha: ERM HE HAS NO POCKETS.
Cindee: Data gives up real fast on breaking into the computer and “scrambles” it instead, whatever that means
Martha: Which could have been handy if Wesley could have used his access to save them. But no. No plot for you!
Cindee: True. He tells Picard he understands the computer and Picard is like “that’s nice”
Martha: It ended up very similar to sexy planet, with them just beaming them off. Instead of a god it was a shield
Cindee: There was no speech. Also, they hung around and helped them with their problems, cause humans are better than other species
Martha: Data needs to remember what Picard told him: everything is impossible, until it is not…
Cindee: Do not question a Picardism, Martha
Martha: Well it’s fine if he lived by it himself. It’s only Data who has to solve impossible century old problems on a daily basis
Cindee: like the Picard maneuver?
Martha: Yes It’s impossible to get through this shield! Only cos you haven’t bothered to find a way yet Data!
Cindee: Anyways, in a terrifying ending, Picard has to be hugged by a child. And everyone laughs, which is stupid, but at least not insulting to anyone’s memory.
Martha: Yeah no one actually died!