The blog where Martha watches an episode of Star Trek and then talks about it with her Trekkie friend Cindee
Martha: Hi. We’ve been incredibly inconsistent with this prime directive stuff so here is an episode where we beat you about the head with it in order to further your understanding
Cindee: hahahahaha. I feel like their answer in this one actually made some sense though? It’s been a while admittedly…
Martha: Yeah, and there was some initial intrigue! I felt the plot was fairly obvious once it got going but it was interesting
Continue reading “Just Say No (AKA Symbiosis)”Martha: OMG GET EXCITED
Cindee: ?
Martha: We have a new chief engineer!
Cindee: Oh lol, yeah.
Martha: I’m sure that’s our fourth hahaha. He didn’t die though! But I’m sure we’ll never see him again
Cindee: Ok, so I take it you watched the Arsenal of Freedom.
Martha: I have indeed! Of all the ’21st century Earth was terrible’ i think sadly the ‘peace through superior firepower’ is the most accurate so far
Cindee: Hahaha, probably true
Martha: But unlike humans who sorted themselves out in time to fix it, because humans rock, this planet has wiped itself out.
Cindee: correct
Martha: Leaving only deadly weapons at every turn
Cindee: And a robot to sell them.
Martha: So Yar decides ‘definitely better get down to that’ What could possibly go wrong. Everything. Everything Yar.
Cindee: Hahaha. So, first things first. I just want to say, for the record: Deanna Troi’s rank is Lt. Commander. She outranks LaForge AND Logan
Martha: yes but… Cindee. SHES SUPER ANNOYING
Cindee: Logan seems pretty annoying, too
Martha ‘As the ship counsellor its my job to interrupt you and say ‘the new guys are nervous we are being SHOT AT BY AN INVISIBLE SUPER AWESOME SHOOTING THING’ no shit Troi. I wont hear a thing about chief engineer no4! He is absolutely the 4th best candidate for the job!
Cindee: Maybe, but she outranks him
Martha: Well Logan outranked LaForge right? 2 dots vs a dot and a half
Cindee: Yes
Martha: But, Picard said Geordi was the boss, soooooo. MAIN CAST CINDEE, why do we even care about anyone else?
Cindee: Troi is the main cast, she’s a Lt. Commander
Martha Okay LaForge is trained in command, military AND navigation and engineering
Cindee: Troi went to Starfleet academy
Martha: Troi is good at ‘ooooh I feel that maybe were gonna get shot at’
Cindee: I don’t know that I agree that LaForge is trained in military
Martha: He’s RED CINDEE, navigation and command and fighting…
Cindee: Navigation and command, fighting is yellow.
Martha: Haha Riker fights!
Cindee: But it isn’t his job, he just does it on the side
Martha: Honestly i feel the colours are very blurred, you said Geordi is a super good engineer too.
Cindee: yeah they get more clear next season
Martha: Geordi is multifaceted, whereas Troi doesn’t even have a colour
Cindee: Well she’s SUPPOSED to be wearing blue.
Martha: She gave up her right to be the boss of the ship when she didn’t wear her uniform and 2 and a half pips, plus clearly Picard likes La Forge, he’s left him in charge twice now. PLUS HE UNDERSTANDS HIM NOW. He’s seen through his eyes….
Cindee: lolololol ok, so Picard erroneously leaves LaForge in charge and beams down and falls in a hole with Crusher
Martha: Wooooah wait a minute. Riker meets a guy called Rice(r) and has some fantastic bants
Cindee: about the good ship lollipop
Martha: Like I dont know where ‘yo momma’ jokes started But I’d like to think it was with Riker… Rice is all ‘who sent you’ and Riker replies ‘YOUR MOMMA’
Cindee: I don’t think that those are related…
Martha: (I think he technically says your mother but Im calling it regardless) but yes, the good old Lollipop is indeed a good ship. That was some pretty snazzy alien tech to be fair. Shame they couldn’t actually buy some…
Cindee: Yeah so Yar keeps outsmarting them or whatever
Martha: She fires her fazer and it works ONCE. Data does most of the smartsing
Cindee: Meanwhile, Picard and Crusher fall in a hole
Martha: Why are you so obsessed with this hole! I’m just glad Picard didn’t ‘omg fall on top of the lady’
Cindee: Also, if those things are so fancy, why can’t they fucking aim,
they’re worse than storm troopers!
Martha: And they dont even have that genuine war syndrome thing to blame…
Cindee: Oh and the hole, I just think it is a stupid plot point to fall in a hole
Martha: Well of course it is, and Crusher somehow manages to fall UNDER some pretty heavy sand…
Cindee: I know, how did that occur exactly? I’m no physicist, but . . .
Martha: We’re supposed to think it fell with her from the walls or the top I guess
Cindee: Ok, fine
Martha: But Picard, being a manly man, was not so afflicted by this sand so we get treated to Picard’s bedside manner STAY AWAKE. THATS AN ORDER
Cindee: so Crusher is covered in sand and tells Picard how to do basic first aid, which one would think he’d know…
Martha: Erm no. Basic first aid has been cured. Nobody needs it anymore
Cindee: Meanwhile, she uses her knowledge of roots from ANOTHER PLANET to identify one on this one that could be useful
Martha: ALL YELLOW PLANTS ARE FINE
Cindee: And Picard tastes it and it’s yellow so naturally…
Martha: How dare you question her Grandmother’s knowledge. So we now know Crusher once lived on some planet where I guess everyone died… except Crusher and her grandma…
Cindee: They all did, they all have some horrible tragic past.
Martha: I’m still waiting on La Forge’s. And Riker’s. And Picard’s! I cant wait to learn of their emotional turmoil
Cindee: ha, well, I’d tell ya, but SPOILERS
Martha: oh, guess what happens when they fall down the hole… It’s a literal RIP to the lab cardigan
Cindee: Lab coat
Martha: I thought we agreed on lab cardigan
Cindee: You agreed on lab cardigan… its not like she can’t get another one
Martha: Im sure Troi has a massive fucking unused stash she can have ‘these are all brand new in the packet’
Cindee: What on earth are you talking about? She can just replicate a new one
Martha: They havent used the replicators yet! I dont think anyway…
Cindee: Huh? Interesting
Martha: If something like fizzles into view is that the replicator? cos the Klingons got themselves some food like that.
Cindee: Yes
Martha: Okay the Klingons replicated food then. They knew how it worked. Maybe Worf told them after the yelling…but I’m not aware of it being made a point of yet.
Cindee: Well, the odd thing is, different aliens all seem capable of using each others technology without instruction all the time
Martha: Well, I do not know the technology. I am but a primitive alien
Cindee: What you can and cannot replicate seems to change for the convenience of the plot
Martha: Well thats fair enough haha. Anyway, I think its a good job Geordi is left in charge because Geordi is the only person who remembers the ship separates.
Cindee: Well that’s true.
Martha: AND he knows that theres always time for a log!
Cindee: seriously, they almost never separate it and they almost always should! Well ya gotta have logs
Martha: Picard knows no one else will bother with a log whilst they’re being shot at by an invisible massively powerful alien and all their shields are down and most of the senior staff are stuck on a planet where they cant beam off being shot at by similar powerful things…
WELL would YOU separate if you got the reception La Forge got? I left you this ship in one piece! FIX IT FIX IT FIX IT! HOW ABOUT A WELL DONE PICARD??
Cindee: Wait, what?
Martha: How about a pat on the back? When he comes back Picard is all ‘when I left this ship was in one piece, sort it out’
Cindee: oh well he was joking!
Martha: and its his ‘hahaha’ way with Riker which has absolutely no humour to it half the time. He is rubbish at joking!
Cindee: Well he is still learning
Martha: he is getting there. if he wasn’t as aggressive the rest of the time I could take his jokes as jokes haha. Oh I forgot about Data rescuing them from the convenient hole. Oh, also, contrary to popular believe (very) white men CAN jump (down holes…)
Cindee: That’s the title of a movie, not a popular belief
Martha: I take all my beliefs from Woody Harrelson movies. Twinkies are gods gift to food, and, other stuff.
Cindee: you are now making pop culture references I do not understand
Martha In Zombieland he’s obsessed with finding a twinkie as they are the only food which can survive an apocalypse, or something…
Cindee: Also, can’t believe you didn’t complain about the lack of Wesley..
Martha: Hahah after ‘Coming of Age’ I’m due for a break….
Cindee: So, some Klingons show up, and they’re not fans of the treaty
Martha: Can we go back a second, What is the neutral zone? And why can’t anyone go in it?
Cindee: Well it’s a bit weird, cause in TOS the neutral zone is an area of space between the Klingon Empire and Federation. In TNG its the same thing, but with the Romulans
Martha: I could understand no battle ships. But this was a freight ship?
Cindee: No one can go in the neutral zone. NO ONE
Martha: Okay
Cindee: I mean, in theory
Martha: So yes, they go aboard and find Klingons.I have many issues with this episode. Mostly with your friend Picard.
Cindee: Well he’s not my friend yet
Martha
Martha: Hahaha, So Geordie has a way to transmit his vision to the bridge.
Cindee: ooooh right, that was a thing in this episode, and then they never spoke of it again
Martha: and now Picard can FINALLY UNDERSTAND HIM. Because you can’t understand someone unless you know how they see things visually.
Cindee: Correct, that’s why Tony doesn’t understand me, he has perfect vision, I wear glasses. Eventually, it’ll lead to divorce.
Martha: And what’s that red human shaped thing?!
Cindee: Riker
Martha: Oh… Riker.. Come on Picard!
Cindee: So yeah, pretty ableist
Martha: It just was weirdly worded They could have been like ‘oh so this is what you can see! The strength of the metal, the heat signals, cool!’
Not ‘now I know who he is… I had no idea before!’
Cindee: It’s like when they have kids use a wheelchair or blindfold themselves or whatever and then think they understand what it is like to be disabled.
Martha: Hahahahaha yeah basically
Cindee: No you don’t, you don’t know how to operate a damn wheelchair, so of course its superweird for you…
Martha: Yes it was very silly
Cindee: Yes, and then they never spoke of it again…
Martha: Well the signal got overloaded. Forever… OH, We have another fantastic ask of Data from Riker.
Cindee: which is?
Martha:
Riker: How do we get to the engine room?
Data: There are several paths to the engine room, all of which are equally dangerous
Riker: Well which is the least dangerous?!’
RIKER DO YOU NOT KNOW WHAT EQUALLY MEANS!
Cindee: Lol, I have tried to explain to you that he’s not that bright
Martha: Hahaha he really isn’t!
Cindee: Did he have his thinking face?
Riker: No he was mad. He was mad because he was sick of Picard being all
‘Look at Data!’
‘Look at some fire!’
‘Look at Riker!!’
Treating poor Geordi like an eye puppet
Cindee: Wait, Riker is mad at ableism and so asked Data a stupid question later?
Martha: No he didn’t have a thinking face cos he was too annoyed for it…
Cindee: There is this one episode where for medical reasons, Riker is having trouble concentrating. aAnyways I am like HOW IS THIS DIFFERENT THAN NORMAL. Like theres like a whole minute of him just making lots of thinking faces and looking confused
Martha: That. Sounds.Amazing. Im sure it won’t be… Anyway, so we find some
Klingons, and beam them back. WITH SOME ADDED PERIL OF AN EXPLOSION. But somehow they beam fine
Cindee: Saved by the transporter, as always. Transporters are fucking magical,
Martha: Sooooo the Klingons are here, and just like Datalore we now distrust Worf!
Cindee: Lmao, yeah, it is funny cause they act like people will be loyal to their “kind” over their actual socialization
Martha: Like seriously. I hope some dodgy French people don’t come aboard cos now we won’t trust Picard!
Cindee: It’s really actually racist, if you think about it. it assumes people’s intentions, behavior, etc are like built into their genes or something.
Martha. It’s just very odd and it makes you think that they’re not really good friends and teammates!!
Cindee: But you know, humans are Americans, and it was only 70 years ago we were like “lets distrust these Japanese American citizens!!!”
Martha: Hurray for Joseph McCarthy!
Cindee: um, I don’t think that was McCarthy. McCarthy was the communist witch hunt guy
Martha: I thought it came about after his red scare stuff as well
Cindee: No, it was during WWII. Red scare was after WWII. the point is, racism. Worf is in Starfleet, but we can’t trust him cause genes.
Martha: Or Data, cos circuits…
Cindee: Lmao, yes anyways, so the Klingons are on board
Martha: But to be fair Worf does get quite into these Klingons, he even does a lovely yell when one dies.
Cindee: Well, that doesn’t really bother me, people have death rituals
Martha: No it just felt he was copying them a bit
Cindee: Did he only start after they did?
Martha: Yes
Cindee: Ok
Martha. As with Lore in Datalore, the Klingons are given remarkable freedom on the ship, until we speak to big boss Klingon and we find out that actually these are rebels.
Cindee: Well, there’s a treaty. They’re allies
Martha: Well they don’t fully trust them as the damage to the ship is from Klingon weapons. (On a Ferengi ship… hmmm ok)
Cindee: Aaaaaand?
Martha: THEY KILL 2 PEOPLE
Cindee: When they were on the freighter?
Martha: No the Klingons killed two security people
Cindee: I forgot about that, and doesn’t Worf kinda defend them?
Martha: He acts incredibly neutral to them. Like, too neutral really considering. A mother and child come out of a lift and Yar says GO BACK! And then the Klingon picks a kid up, Yar calls in a hostage situation. The Klingon gives the kid to Worf and Worf puts her down AND THE MOTHER AND CHILD SQUEEZE PAST THE KLINGONS AND CONTINUE THEIR JOURNEY
Cindee: Lmao
Martha: No go back in the fucking lift!!!
Cindee: There’s a treaty! There’s nothing to fear!
Martha: And then Worf is all ‘it’s weak to take hostages, Klingons don’t do that’ But then the Klingons give up
Cindee: Are you sure he didn’t say it was dishonorable, thats what he calls most things.
Martha: And then Worf is all don’t kill them, let them free on a planet with massive fuck off monsters so they can fight to the death.
Cindee: Right, to die an honorable death.
Martha: Yes, And I’m pretty sure the boss is like ‘nope’
Cindee: If a Klingon doesn’t die in battle, they don’t go to Klingon heaven
Martha: If Klingons go to Klingon heaven…why do they scream to warn the others of a warrior incoming? If they’re all warriors…
Cindee: Cause, warriors are scary
Martha: Not if you’re a warrior too…
Martha: Erm so anyway Klingon boss is all ‘after you’re done being a SF Officer come join me’ And Worf is all like ‘I am honoured’
Cindee: Worf likes honor
Martha: And then Picard and Riker and everyone just stare at him, like him joining the Klingons would be a FUCKING TRAVESTY
Cindee: And he was like j/k.
Martha: hahahahaha, he was so like j/k.
Martha: Better luck next time, Wesley! That girl he was up against was basically you. Calling him obnoxious.
Cindee: Nah, if it was me, I’d have won
Martha: Yeah she sucked. All her smack talk was for nothing. She never even completed one round that we saw!!
Cindee: Well, girls can’t do math
Martha: I’m not sure why the kid at the start (who ran away terribly) thought he had a chance of getting in. The Aldeans didn’t even think you were special! Also, something vague is wrong with the enterprise!
Cindee: Yeah, let’s set that part aside for the moment. They are setting up another episode.
Martha: Riker has began his long love affair with the chair vault.
Cindee: Oh is this where it started?
Martha: Yes I think so. I’ve been keeping an eye out and he hasn’t so far!
Cindee: Interesting!
Martha: Anyway, Wesley threatens a massive guy with violence! I would imagine that would not end well for him.
Cindee: That is actually my most favorite part of the episode. This entire species has the same feelings about “curtesy.” Which is comical to me, because generally people think the behavior of their culture is curtesy and that others are violating it, when really they’re just following their own norms. But apparently this entire fucking species apparently has the same cultural norms!
Martha: Yeah. You’d assume there would be a general star fleet code though. Clearly based on superior humans.
Cindee: Well it always is. In case you haven’t picked up on it, humans = Americans
Martha: Also often Worf is told that his star fleet loyalties come before his Klingon culture
Cindee: Yes but Troi is not told that about her Betazoid culture
Martha: UH DUH COS ITS HELPFUL. Things only matter cos they’re helpful to humans…
Cindee: Like Americans!
Martha: So why does this guy get to be a dick? Though I guess we could pass it off as ‘it was alllll a test’
Cindee: Like I said, it is setting up another, worse episode
Martha: Which bit is a setup, the investigation?
Cindee: Yes
Martha: I feel like the lower ranked guy gets a bad deal. He is made to interrogate everyone on the paranoia of the admiral. Everyone hates him. Picard may as well have said ‘YOU WISH WHAT’ with his eye roll when he said he’d really like a job in the Enterprise. So his career prospects are tanked cos of some guy, who Picard still likes! I feel we as the audience are supposed to be like ‘you’ll never join our enterprise!!!’ But really that’s guys done nothing wrong!
Cindee: Cause he was following orders
Martha: Oh don’t Picard quote me. Don’t you dare.
Cindee:
Martha: Well, the list of Enterprise fuck ups and deaths speaks for itself!
Cindee: Anyways, Wesley is scared of his psychological exam, and Worf gives him a pep talk
Martha: Hahaha in the holodeck of all places
Cindee: Did the safety protocols go offline?
Martha: They didn’t but they never actually switched it on. Wesley was just hanging in the checkered room.
Cindee: That’s quite odd. And Worf just happens upon him? “Hmmmm, I’ll just wander into this holodeck to see if anyone is loitering in it”
Martha: I think Worf comes in for some RnR/ death wish action and is all ‘hullo Wesley!’
Cindee: Worf tells Wesley not to worry. Wesley does his thing and it’s about his dad of course
Martha: Soooooo. Did Picard not drag his dad through steam?! Did Picard leave his dad clinging to a pipe?
Cindee: Picard had to choose between two people
Martha: And because he fancied Dr. Crusher, he let her husband die?
Cindee: Sigh. Jack was his best friend!
Martha: So why did he let him die Cindee?
Cindee: that is never really explained
Martha: So you don’t know for sure that I’m wrong…
Cindee: Oh FFS. Next you’re gonna start spouting your theory that Picard is Wesley’s dad
Martha: He loves Wesley. It’s so obvious.
Cindee: He’s more like an uncle.
Martha: So anyways, Wesley follows Worf’s advice, and then doesn’t get into starfleet. So it’s Worf’s fault
Cindee: No, Wesley succeeds at the psych exam. its later that he loses.
Martha: It’s not really explained how. Blue guy is just better generally. And both girls sucked, obviously.
Cindee: Well yes, girls are bad at math. They probably don’t learn calculus until they’re 12 or something. Anyways, you should be glad, now he’ll stick around.
Martha: So it’s all good. And no one died! Wesley doesn’t get into Starfleet at age 16 or whatever.
Cindee Anyways, didn’t you kinda know he’d fail? Since, then he’d be gone? Off at the academy?
Martha: I didn’t know the nature of the training. Is it a literal ‘off to college you go’ school?
Cindee: Yes. 4 years, in San Fransisco.
Martha: What?! Noooo this cannot do. How long would it take to get back to Earth from where
Cindee: Not that long, they go back to Earth frequently
Martha: Ah okay.
Cindee: And in the meantime investigaty guy found nothing
Martha: Picard gives up a job in an episode set up which makes no sense to anyone who doesn’t know that. We just get a lot of people saying how marvelous Picard is!
Cindee: Which he isn’t . . . yet
Martha: Okay so there are apparently 7 children on the Enterprise?
Cindee: They very clearly stated that they took the most special ones
Martha: No way is that little ginger kid special
Cindee: Don’t tell me you’re one of those
Martha: What’s one of those?!
Cindee: People who don’t like red headed people
Martha: Haha my mum is ginger! So the answer to your question is yes. No that child is just annoying and clearly hates her parents!
Cindee: Says the women who just said she doesn’t like her mom
Martha: I don’t just run off with other random women Cindee!
Cindee: She didn’t run off, she was beamed off
Martha: Hahaha! She was well into it until Wesley was all ‘FFS we’re on hunger strike!’
Cindee: They kinda all were, except Wesley. The kid with the mind reading sculpting thing was pretty happy
Martha: Yeah Harry wasn’t interested in leaving really. Cos FUCK CALCULUS.
Cindee: Yeah they teach calculus at 10 apparently
Martha: Although his art dad is a liar. ‘Do I have to do calculus?’ ‘No…. what’s calculus’ HOW DO YOU KNOW HE DOESN’T HAVE TO DO IT THEN?
Cindee: Ok, I can’t believe we’re not first discussing the notion that they teach calculus at 10 in the future
Martha: I’m not smart enough to know what calculus is. Is it super fancy maths?
Cindee: It is a kind of math, yes. In the U.S. it is generally taken in late high school or in college.
Martha: They just unsterilised a whole bunch of people. Calculus is the least of my worries!
Cindee: I know it is a throwaway scene but I think it is a really telling reflection of American notions of education. I mean, people are always saying this silly fact here that “we only use 10% of our brain” What on earth does that mean? And how do they know it? And we have this notion here that we are “losing” at education and the answer is to teach our kids more and faster. Then we take away things like recess and stuff, and for what?
Martha: Erm we mapped the brain Cindee. And only like 10% had stuff on. Okay so let’s go back to the beginning as I have many issues. Firstly, Crusher kicks off when the people beam aboard because they haven’t been through decontamination.
Cindee: Yes
Martha: When has ANYONE been through decontamination before?
Cindee: The transporter does it when it beams people. It’s a well-established fact.
Martha: And they’re sterile . . . seriously how does restoring the ozone layer make them fertile again?! THATS NOT A THING
Cindee: They don’t just restore the ozone, they do some medical treatments, too
Martha: ‘And we know they’ll be great parents because they kidnapped ours and made a dolphin’
Cindee: I can’t believe you’re not noticing the fact that the show claimed that in the 21st century, there was an infertility epidemic on earth!
Martha: Well to be fair she just said that the ozone layer was failing…
Cindee: And that it caused the infertility!
Martha: Well maybe they thought it was going to… Making us all pale….And photosensitive
Cindee: Star Trek has a nice long history of wildly predicting all sorts of things in the near future. Like, TOS claimed in the 1990s there were be some Eugenics Wars where genetically engineered people were all like “woah we’re superior” and tried to take over and then in DS9, even though that clearly never happened, they still act like it did! Personally, I’m looking forward to 2024, we’re gonna solve inequality then.
Martha: But anyway, Riker has been the most suspicious man ever on all occasions apart from this one time when he needed to be suspicious. And Wesley has a new skill: sleight of hand!
Cindee: well apparently he and his mom have a magic routine they’ve been practicing
Martha: That explains it!
Cindee: Ok, so let’s recap for our reader. We’re all over the place here.
Martha: How dare you
Cindee: Picard summons Riker to the bridge cause in the couple of months he’s known him, he has learned Riker is obsessed with some stupid story. Riker tells the story, and then it becomes real!
Martha: And he’s not suspicious even though he’s always suspicious. Troi is suspicious. But no one cares.
Cindee: Other than the apples in the pilot, when else his Riker been suspicious?
Martha: He was suspicious about the space station
Cindee: That’s the same episode!
Martha: No the one with evil Picard!
Cindee: Oh fine. Anyways, so yes, Troi has some oddly specific read on these people
Martha: INCREDIBLY SPECIFIC!
Cindee: “they want something that we will not want to give them!”
Martha: ALSO! She says she feels hundreds (thousands?) of minds. When they can’t see the planet
Cindee: So?
Martha: There’s 9, Troi.
Cindee: That we see
Martha: He says there are few left. And the fish are dead, Cindee. And the dolphins are all wooden.
Cindee: I don’t think he literally meant a few
Martha: I don’t think 7 children are sufficient to placate thousands of people. Or restart a species.
Cindee: I dunno, Adam and Eve’s sons did it somehow
Martha: Biblical incest
Cindee: Ok, well this will be non-biblical incest
Martha: This episode had no sex. Yet here we are…
Cindee: Well, that’s on you. ANYWAYS, the people beam aboard with a giant cornucopia.
Martha: Much to Crusher’s fury. Crusher is upset they haven’t been decontaminated.
Cindee: They leave on account of the bright lights
Martha: Like gremlins
Cindee: And then beam down Riker, Troi, and Crusher and Picard is like INTERESTING CHOICES. WTF does that mean Picard?
Martha: WOMEN
Cindee: Yeah . . .
MarthaL Clearly they enjoyed Crusher’s cardigan. With her big pockets.
Cindee: It’s a lab coat. She’s a doctor.
Martha: It’s a cardigan
Cindee: Lab coat
Martha: Lab cardigan
Cindee: Meanwhile, on the planet we learn that other species don’t give a shit about their kids
Martha: You take that back! That ginger kid is adored! Wesley gets level 3 clearance to… something and stuff and things! Wooden dolphin! Mind music! And I’m sure the other 3 no one cared about did stuff!
Cindee: No, I mean how Troi is like “humans are unusually attached to their children”
Martha: Oh indeed!! Fucking weird humans.
Cindee: I don’t remember what happened next, just that later they swipe the kids
Martha: Basically they’re all ‘oh clearly you won’t give them up, whatever’ and nick them
Cindee: And that the custodian predicted Wesley would be the leader
Martha: Well he got that right
Cindee: NO SHIT SHERLOCK HE’S THE OLDEST
Martha: Imagine if little Alexandra was the boss. With her fluffy toy.
Cindee: They’d have never left. They’d all just be playing hide and seek still. So, the kids are bizarrely not that upset and they all get their mind reading art tools.
Martha: Well as Crusher says, they knew what they signed up for. Clearly the children were told that ‘hey, you might get kidnapped.’
Cindee: And the children signed terms of service agreement. But they were like the iTunes agreement, no one read them!
Martha: I promise not to sue star fleet:
A) if we’re kidnapped
B ) if the holodeck kills us
C ) if we are mentally scarred by being forced to do RnR on a sex planet
D) if we trust the wrong Data and get eaten by a crystal entity
E) if a space jellyfish stings us
F) if our hope is crushed by a terrible hug from Picard
Cindee: Yeah, that whole “Picard is afraid of kids” thing is back. This time Riker’s not there to protect him.
Martha: YOU HAD ONE JOB RIKER
Cindee: Then Crusher and Crusher do their magic routine.
Martha: I thought this planet was super advanced. How did she not see that? How didn’t they realise she had tech in her massive lab cardigan pockets?
Cindee: Because Martha, they’re all dumb from being dependent on their computer! They only things they can do are operate mind-reading art tools!
Martha: That was a big missed opportunity plot wise too. They knew nothing about the computer. We know nothing about the computer other than the shield it made affected the ozone layer. And I guess they’re gonna have to switch it off?
Cindee: So they fling the Enterprise away, and meanwhile Wesley fancies himself to be Ghandi
Martha: And does nothing except find the kids
Cindee: Yes and teach them about passive resistance. The Enterprise returns and the old guy asks Picard to make the kids eat
Martha: Like this place is too soft. If you really want the kids fling the enterprise off properly
Cindee: Meanwhile, Riker and Data are sneaking about on a hostile planet, and don’t have their phasers. Riker doesn’t even bring his own tricorder!
Martha: ERM HE HAS NO POCKETS.
Cindee: Data gives up real fast on breaking into the computer and “scrambles” it instead, whatever that means
Martha: Which could have been handy if Wesley could have used his access to save them. But no. No plot for you!
Cindee: True. He tells Picard he understands the computer and Picard is like “that’s nice”
Martha: It ended up very similar to sexy planet, with them just beaming them off. Instead of a god it was a shield
Cindee: There was no speech. Also, they hung around and helped them with their problems, cause humans are better than other species
Martha: Data needs to remember what Picard told him: everything is impossible, until it is not…
Cindee: Do not question a Picardism, Martha
Martha: Well it’s fine if he lived by it himself. It’s only Data who has to solve impossible century old problems on a daily basis
Cindee: like the Picard maneuver?
Martha: Yes It’s impossible to get through this shield! Only cos you haven’t bothered to find a way yet Data!
Cindee: Anyways, in a terrifying ending, Picard has to be hugged by a child. And everyone laughs, which is stupid, but at least not insulting to anyone’s memory.
Martha: Yeah no one actually died!
Cindee: Ok so did you watch home soil?
Martha: Half watched. I need to rewatch. I have no idea what went on except I know someone died!!
Cindee: It is so boring
Martha: I probably know most of it from half watching. The sand is alive. They are stealing the saltwater which it liked so it kicks off. They apologise. The end.
Cindee: Correct. The only thing you’re missing is that it has one of the greatest lines from TNG ever.
Martha: Is it. ‘We have a holodeck which you might enjoy!’
Cindee: Well, Riker DOES say that.
Martha: He does!
Cindee: Anyways, the sand calls the humans “ugly bags of mostly water” and the Data agrees it is an accurate description
Martha: Data you’re humanoid!!!
Cindee: He is not a bag though, and he is not mostly water. So anyways, that could be out post.
Martha: Cindee!! Wtf is this. Watch Picard’s face as he goes through the door.
Cindee: ok so. I noticed that too and thought I was imagining it
Martha: Ahahaha! Is he just being daft and they left it in?
Cindee: That is the only explanation I have.
Martha: I must say though that was the highlight of the episode.
Cindee: Yeah so I don’t know that there’s much to say about this episode other than “what exactly was that?” and, ableism.
Martha: The story was predictable due to the crappy make up
Cindee: You could tell he wasn’t an old dude from the start?
Martha: Like if he didn’t get younger OR have flashbacks then what on Earth. I had my suspicions, like Riker, who is always suspicious. I kept hoping his next ‘attack’ would end with him being a baby.
Cindee: Then have I got the Voyager episode for you!
Martha: DO YOU BELIEVE US NOW HOSTAGE MAN?And then when Picard is trying to prove his story to the bad guy he’s all‘Look at these medical photos we took!’ And it’s all fucking screen grabs of previous scenes!!
Cindee: it was the 80s!
Martha: Where was Crusher and her camera?! Surely this isn’t reliable medical evidence! And the handy scar, which he could have shown about 15 mins before he did.
Cindee: What would have been more reliable?
Martha: Like for medical progress photos they tend to keep people in the same room.The same pose.
Cindee: you know this from your days a a medical practitioner?
Martha: IVE USED GOOGLE.
Cindee: You googled “medical progress photos”?
Martha: Everyone needs a hobby
Cindee: Yours is googling medical progress photos?
Martha: Yes
Cindee: Alright then. They should have consulted you!
Martha: My only other thought on this episode is that I’m glad shit interpretations of the prime directive go back 45 years!
Cindee: Do I need an ableism rant, or is the ableism pretty obvious?
Martha: You’re better at it than me. I’m assuming you mean the ‘I can’t possible negotiate this unless I’m young!’ aspect?
Cindee: I mean the tropes, the tropes! Disabled man is bitter.
Disabled man is secretly bad. Disabled man wishes he wasn’t disabled
blah blah blah
Martha: I know what you mean BUT pretty much every other character is like ‘you are making terrible decisions’ His wife is very clear that she loved him as he was and she wasn’t bothered. I mean disabled man did make some shit decisions in the past and, I dunno I guess he wasn’t ‘bad’ as such? He just wanted to make amends
Cindee: Yeah but that actually makes it worse! All the non-disabled people see that the cure is worse than the disability but the guy with it!
Martha: Yes he didn’t want to be disabled anymore, BUT frankly I’m
disappointed that Crusher hasn’t bothered to fix that disease yet.
Cindee: And yeah it would be ok if some characters with disabilities were evil but disabled characters in TV shows are all basically: bitter, evil, or magic
Martha: British people are always evil in things. Evil or Hugh Grant.
Cindee; True. Like all the death star dudes.
Martha: Does this count as a holodeck episode?
Cindee: Not to me. The holodeck is involved, but it’s not the plot.
Martha: I disliked Riker this episode, honestly I didnt enjoy this episode all that much…
Cindee: I didn’t say you would!
Martha: Although i would like a “personal relaxation light” if you know what I mean…. seriously, what does it mean?
Cindee: Um. Wut.
Martha: You’re too busy looking at the bigger existential picture Cindee!!
Cindee: That is usually true
Martha: When they get to the big space station thats what Picard says he wants to do, put on his personal relaxation light and read a novel.
Cindee: I see
Martha: Worf and Yar are off playing ‘parrises squares’. I imagine many people are dead as Worf is taking it very seriously.
Cindee: Yeah why does Riker wander about the ship and see all the supporting characters before the main action? Perhaps so the actors don’t feel left out.
Martha: Hahahah! Yes Riker absolutely does go on a random wander just to check everyone has a job. Data is painting. Crusher is solving a disease. Troi doesn’t fucking exist.
Cindee: Yeah Data is always making paintings, I’m not sure what is up with that.
Martha: So Riker can make ‘hilarious’ quips about the blind man teaching the android to paint!
Cindee: Oh wow that’s nice and ableist. As for parrises squares, they always talk about it but never explain how it is played. Like they talk about it in all three series. Apparently it is really dangerous, though. Anyway my ride is here, I have to go…
Martha: Thats fine. I will just stew over Riker’s paint by numbers hot chick.
*interlude of solace and despair whilst Martha contemplates why she is doing this, and if Cindee will ever return*
Cindee: Where were we…
Martha: Okay! Let me get my notes!
Cindee: You took NOTES?
Martha: I take notes every episode. Otherwise I forget the good quotes SUCH AS ‘What’s a knockout like you doing in a computer generated gin bar like this?’
Cindee: What are you talking about, that’s a great pickup line. That’s how my husband and I met. He said that to me.
Martha: I hope he was leaning against something at the time
Cindee: Well, like Riker, he is a tall man.
Martha: Do we find it creepy that Riker had the holodeck rustle up his perfect physical woman?
Cindee: I find it creepy whenever a character has some sort of romance with a holodeck character
Martha: And then Picard walks in! It’s the equivalent of walking in on someone with a sex doll… but its totally normal! Yeah it’s super creepy especially as she knows exactly what she is too (unlike, I assume, the other holodeck characters?)
Cindee: Yeah most don’t, usually when they figure it out, we’ve got a damn holodeck episode on our hands.
Martha: Also I can really do without Riker playing the trombone. This is why it felt like a holodeck episode to me as it was fully of stupid holodeck stuff alongside the real world plot.
CIndee: Well. I’ve got some REALLY bad news for you. It’s one of his main character traits. There’s this one episode where Crusher is describing everyone, and that’s like the first thing she says about him.
Martha: Seriously?! The TROMBONE urgh. Okay I’m out Cindee. I WAS PROMISED SPACE ADVENTURE. BOLDY GOING WHERE NO MAN HAS GONE BEFORE. Not fucking trombones!!!
Cindee: Do you have something against trombones in particular, characters have to have personality traits for Crusher to explain in that episode.
Martha: Riker has this slightly creepy smiley eye thing, and whilst blowing a trombone his sexy eyes at the lady was just… I can’t!
Cindee: I keep telling you Martha, that’s how my husband and I met. STOP JUDGING US
Martha: So, potentially one of the worst almost disasters to happen to the ship so far, and where is Picard and his number one? ARSING ABOUT ON THE HOLODECK
Cindee: well, yes.
Martha: Typical. Like they’re upgrading the ship, they should not be on the ship, I don’t care if Riker is testing out the ‘upgrades’ get off the damn Enterprise!
Cindee: Well the bynars had it covered
Martha: I didnt mind that bit. They were okay. I don’t quite understand how Picard and Riker managed to download the planet back to the planet merely by looking at it, but that’s the least of my worries…
Cindee: Yeah I kinda like the Bynars themselves
Martha: Yeah they made sense overall. Plus they had snazzy information bum bags And who doesn’t love a bum bag?
Cindee: Is that a Britishism? Bum bag?
Martha: Hahaha yes. You call it a fanny pack. But a fanny is a vagina here. So we don’t call it that.
Cindee: oh wow. ok. This information will come in handy when I next visit England.
Martha: Hahah. Yes So yes we don’t mind the Bynars. I hope they don’t get in too much trouble from evil twin Picard.
Cindee: Evil twin Picard?
Martha: Yeah, the other bald captain who is like Picard’s evil twin because he has a beard. He also has a fancy name but I didn’t write it in my notes
Cindee: Dude. you’re thinking of TOS.
Martha: I am not I haven’t even seen it haha
Cindee: Where did you see this evil Picard?
Martha: ITS LIKE A GODDAMN MIRROR
Cndee: Welp. I forgot about THAT. Fun fact: as established by the mirror universe Spock, in Star Trek, goatee = EVIL
Martha: See he’s evil Picard!
Cindee: Right that’s why at first I was like “is she thinking of TOS or what?” What is the point of that guy?
Martha: He’s just there to like, tell them a bit about the Bynars, and also tell Data and Yar there are no more ships to go help the Enterprise.
Cindee: Wait and Data and Yar don’t notice the damn goatee?
Martha: Well they can’t start distrusting Riker in 10 or so episodes. Plot twist, that’s evil Riker…
Cindee: No, he has a full board, not a goatee
Martha: Hahaha okay! Wesley kiiiinda saves the day. Well he tries. Turns out it’s all a false alarm anyway
Cindee: Right, cause they just want to borrow the ship to download their computer files. The Enterprise is thus a flying flash drive
Martha: It’s the only half decent ship in the galaxy. Despite them having problems with the holodeck…. you don’t say Picard!! I continue to like Data. He was good this episode, evacuated everyone, felt super guilty about everything. I like him
Cindee: Well they aren’t downloading their planet into the holodeck
Martha: Because the holodeck is simply a sexy distraction!
Cindee: No, its a death trap
Martha: Why don’t they just board it up after like, the second death. And be like just watch a fucking movie okay?!
Cindee: They never learn…
Martha: The historian is dead (RIP) Wesley unleashed a snowball virus. Riker has ghonnorhea…
Cindee: They keep using them and things keep going wrong all the way through Voyager, Seriously, someone get on those safety protocols or the Russians are going to hack them so easily.
Martha: So yeah, I wish they had concentrated more on the Bynars. Perhaps more info about them and their planet and the space station they docked at. And none of this sexy holodeck jazz brotherly nonsense
Cindee: brotherly?
Martha: Brothel. My phone keeps changing brothel to brother. That’s not good.
Cindee: Yes, you probably frequently talk about brothels, so this will be a serious problem in the future… Anyway at the end, doesn’t Riker go back to the holodeck and now she’s no good?
Martha: Hahaha oh god yeah! Like I don’t get that, was Minuet like temporary? Why? How would that be a thing? And he tried ALL THE WOMEN but none were the same haha.
Cindee: I think the implication was that the Bynars had magically make the holodeck better, and now that they were gone it wasn’t again, which, why they’d take that away, I dunno.
Martha: Maybe because Riker was grossing them out. If I was Minuet I’d hot foot it out of the holodeck. Yeah like so she was a response to what he wanted whereas the holodeck normally just had pre programmed ‘characters’
Cindee: So, the holodeck read his damn mind?
Martha: Well he does say at some point she was saying exactly what he wanted her too. And Picard was saying how well she responded to… input. Poor Troi. No wonder she wasn’t in this episode!
Cindee: I sometimes wonder where Troi is when it would be handy for someone to be able to read people’s emotions… oh yeah doesn’t she talk in French to him?
Martha: Hahah yes she talks French to Picard…And Rikers all ‘hands off!!’ Haha
Cindee: Does HE say anything in french to indicate he is French, otherwise, why not just talk in a British accent.
Martha: No, she starts it from his name when he is introduced
Cindee: Oh, I see
Martha: But the holodeck isn’t healthy. No one will ever live up to Rikers perfect woman he created.
Cindee: I dunno, he seems to find other women to love
Martha: He’s a tart.
Cindee: A tart? Like, a pop tart?
Martha: Yes. A sexy pop tart.
Martha:
Cindee: Nope
Martha: It’s HIM! This is why Putin hates America. It all makes sense now
Cindee: It already made sense. How does this make sense?
Martha: They cast him in Angel One. He wanted to be an actor all his life.
Cindee: Pretty sure he wanted to be a KGB agent. Also, Putin doesn’t speak English.
Martha: I’m not sure the actor ever talks…
Cindee: How old would you say that character is?
Martha: I guess I’d say they’re all around early 30s?
Cindee: Putin was 36, which is late 30s
Martha: Damnit. The only flaw in my theory
Cindee: That also would have been a strange time to abandon his post, end of the Cold War and all. According to Wikipedia Putin was undercover in East Germany at the time of this episode
Martha: So… we don’t really know where he was. Nothing more undercover than moonlighting in Star Trek.
Cindee: So why did this episode lead him to hating the U.S. exactly?
Martha: Because it’s shit
Cindee: So therefore decade later, he rigs our election
Martha: Yup
Cindee: Ironclad logic
Martha: It’s all Roddenberry’s fault
Cindee: I don’t think Putin is really into women’s rights
Martha: This episode violates the Geneva human rights convention and Putin hates humans.
Cindee: So . . . Shouldn’t he like the episode then?
Martha: Putin LIKED HUMANS until he was cast in this bullshit. And it CHANGED HIM.
Cindee: The episode convinced him to violate human rights because it did?
Martha: Yes. And move back to Russia. But the message of the episode was don’t violate human rights. And be bare chested.
Cindee: Also, the man was already a KGB officer, I don’t think he was ever a champion of human rights
Martha: No the episode violates my human right not to have seen this episode
Cindee: That guy has played other characters in Star Trek. Do you still claim it is Putin?
Martha: Yeah
Cindee: One of the episodes aired in 2000. What was his motivation then?
Martha: Which franchise?
Cindee: Voyager
Martha: YES. SO! He was drafted in to teach Janeway how to speak Russian in preparation for her role in Orange is the New Black. KABOOM. MIC DROP.
Cindee: Why would Putin help with that?
Martha: He loves women in prison. And he wanted to help with a show about women in prison
Cindee: The show is about how awful the Prison-Industrial-Complex is.
Martha: Putin didn’t know that he was just like “a Russian woman in prison?!” I must make her accent accurate’
Cindee: Why does he need to make her accent accurate? How does that serve his agenda?
Martha: To teach other Russians that America is bad
Cindee: You just claimed he didn’t know the show was about the Prison-Industrial-Complex
Martha: He looks like Putin.
Cindee: So that’s your argument again? In that case, I just want to conclude this conversation by saying it was really nice knowing you.
From Memory Alpha:
An early story meeting about this episode was attended by Patrick Barry, Gene Roddenberry, and Herbert J. Wright. Wright was wary that the concept of a matriarchal society had been too overdone. “So one of the major issues that we didn’t want to do was an Amazon Women kind of thing where the women are six feet tall with steel D cups,” he recalled. “I said, ‘The hit I want to take on this is apartheid, so that the men are treated as though they are blacks of South Africa. Make it political. Sexual overtones, yes, but political.’ Well, that didn’t last very long. Everything that Gene got involved with had to have sex in it. It’s so perverse that it’s hard to believe. The places it was dragged into is absurd. We were talking about how women would react, and Gene was voicing all the right words again, saying, ‘Oh, yes, we’ve got to make sure that women are represented fairly, because, after all, women are probably the superior sex anyway, and it’s real important we don’t get letters from feminists, because we want to be fair and we don’t want to infer that women have to rule by force if they do rule, because men don’t have to rule by force.’ Very sensible stuff. All of a sudden something kicks in and he changes: ‘However, we also don’t want to infer that it would be a better society if women ruled.'” His voice becoming increasingly louder, Roddenberry continued that this was because women were untrustworthy, “vicious creatures,” which he angrily blurted out in a torrent of hateful verbiage. Concluded Wright, “Then he looks out the window, looks at the outline, and says, ‘Okay, on page eight…’ and continues like that didn’t even happen.” (The Fifty-Year Mission: The Next 25 Years, p. 83)
Martha: Jesus this man is insane!
Cindee: Yup
Martha: But yes he failed in literally all of his supposed aims. I mean failed and then doubled down on the fail
Cindee: It’s sad. there are later episodes where they kinda invert things and then make a point about the actual injustice in our culture and do it well. But NOT THIS TIME
Martha: No this was just ridiculous. The way the men were portrayed as very typically feminine and sexualized. As if that’s the only way one sex can be the ‘lower’
Cindee: It’s so ridiculous too because they’re ALWAYS encountering patriarchal societies and judging them but then being like whatevs. But here they’re like noooooo, this is sooooo wroooooong. And my husband was saying that the women on this planet are unusually strong and that’s why they’re in charge?
Martha: Unusually strong and aggressively dominant
Cindee: White people oppress black people, but not because white people are stronger.
Martha: Exactly. And all this ‘let’s not make them Amazonian, let’s just choose shorter men!’
Cindee: And then they’re like “Riker is so tall”?
Martha: If anything I thought Riker came out of this looking… okay?
Cindee: What did Riker do that was so okay?
Martha: He was asked to wear the outfit to meet the mistress. And he did, and he wasn’t a giggling dumbass about it like Troi and Yar. (Yes he then had sex with the lady but… )
Cindee: Well of course he did
Martha: But isn’t the whole point about respecting the cultures they come across. There was a lot of prime directive blathering. It seems the prime directive doesn’t ACTUALLY matter if someone is at risk of death
Cindee: Even though it did in Justice?
Martha: Exactly
Cindee: Well, that was Wesley, the golden child
Martha: It’s literally ‘Prime Directive unless something is happening that we wouldn’t do. So…. what’s the point!
Cindee: pretty much. Like I said, it gets more consistent, though I think it is on the whole dumb. I mean, ok, spoilers: There are times when a civilization is literally going to get DESTROYED. Like, WIPED OUT. And they’re like “Sorry! Can’t save you! PRIME DIRECTIVE!!!!”
Martha: BUT FOUR GUYS?! Well they didn’t even bother to cast four guys they cast one and the others were just implied guys
Cindee: Guys are expensive
Matha: So in the end Riker does an impassioned speech so they let this guy(s) stay on another species planet where they don’t want them. Success for the Prime Directive! Meanwhile Crusher is furious to realise she didn’t cure the common cold after all
Cindee: Good summary
Martha: Is it implied that the cold came from the holodeck?! Like is the holodeck trying to kill them again?!
Cindee: Oh I forgot that? I was so busy with the damn sexism I forgot about the B plot. That sounds about right, murderous holodeck
Martha: Ok, so here is Wesley and pals off to go play in the snow
Martha: They throw a snowball which hits Picard and Worf, who comment on an unusual smell. And him and Worf are the first two after Wesley and other boy to get the cold
Cindee: Oh is this the one where the snowball somehow doesn’t dematerialize off the holodeck?
Martha: YES! I didn’t know if that was allowed cos those guys sorta walked off it before briefly
Cindee: So, it’s an infected snowball
Martha: Well it never ever mentioned the holodeck or the snow. They just say it’s airborne through smell. Just implied?
Cindee: Ok then. Infected magical holodeck snowball
Martha: But the holodeck is a death trap. 100%.
Cindee: So, for the sake of our reader and completing sake, will you carry on? On, for the sake of your emotional well being, will you skip on to season 3?
Martha: I must carry on, the prime directive…
Cindee: Also . . . what if someone else says sense OARS and you miss it?
Martha: They almost certainly will
Cindee: All in all, I think I’m going to have rethink my ratings once we’re done with season 2. I stand by my higher ratings, but the lower ones need some reconsideration
Martha: I saw someone considered angel one the 4th worst
Cindee: I have it as 165 out of 176. That needs reconsideration