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Good Ship Lollipop (AKA Arsenal of Freedom)

Martha: OMG GET EXCITED

Cindee: ?

Martha: We have a new chief engineer!

Cindee: Oh lol, yeah.

Martha: I’m sure that’s our fourth hahaha. He didn’t die though! But I’m sure we’ll never see him again

MacDougal
Argyle
Logan
Singh (RIP) Assistant Chief Engineer but acted as chief because Argyle and friends couldn’t be bothered
Shimoda (Asst Chief, assumed sacked after this debacle…)

Cindee: Ok, so I take it you watched the Arsenal of Freedom.

Martha: I have indeed! Of all the ’21st century Earth was terrible’ i think sadly the ‘peace through superior firepower’ is the most accurate so far

Cindee: Hahaha, probably true

Martha: But unlike humans who sorted themselves out in time to fix it, because humans rock, this planet has wiped itself out.

Cindee: correct

Martha: Leaving only deadly weapons at every turn

Cindee: And a robot to sell them.

Martha: So Yar decides ‘definitely better get down to that’ What could possibly go wrong. Everything. Everything Yar.

Cindee: Hahaha. So, first things first. I just want to say, for the record: Deanna Troi’s rank is Lt. Commander. She outranks LaForge AND Logan

Martha: yes but… Cindee. SHES SUPER ANNOYING

Cindee: Logan seems pretty annoying, too

Martha ‘As the ship counsellor its my job to interrupt you and say ‘the new guys are nervous we are being SHOT AT BY AN INVISIBLE SUPER AWESOME SHOOTING THING’ no shit Troi. I wont hear a thing about chief engineer no4! He is absolutely the 4th best candidate for the job!

Cindee: Maybe, but she outranks him

Martha: Well Logan outranked LaForge right? 2 dots vs a dot and a half

Cindee: Yes

Martha: But, Picard said Geordi was the boss, soooooo. MAIN CAST CINDEE, why do we even care about anyone else?

Cindee: Troi is the main cast, she’s a Lt. Commander

Martha Okay LaForge is trained in command, military AND navigation and engineering

Cindee: Troi went to Starfleet academy

Martha: Troi is good at ‘ooooh I feel that maybe were gonna get shot at’

Cindee: I don’t know that I agree that LaForge is trained in military

Martha: He’s RED CINDEE, navigation and command and fighting…

Cindee: Navigation and command, fighting is yellow.

Martha: Haha Riker fights!

Cindee: But it isn’t his job, he just does it on the side

Martha: Honestly i feel the colours are very blurred, you said Geordi is a super good engineer too.

Cindee: yeah they get more clear next season

Martha: Geordi is multifaceted, whereas Troi doesn’t even have a colour

Cindee: Well she’s SUPPOSED to be wearing blue.

Martha: She gave up her right to be the boss of the ship when she didn’t wear her uniform and 2 and a half pips, plus clearly Picard likes La Forge, he’s left him in charge twice now. PLUS HE UNDERSTANDS HIM NOW. He’s seen through his eyes….

Cindee: lolololol ok, so Picard erroneously leaves LaForge in charge and beams down and falls in a hole with Crusher

Martha: Wooooah wait a minute. Riker meets a guy called Rice(r) and has some fantastic bants

Cindee: about the good ship lollipop

Martha: Like I dont know where ‘yo momma’ jokes started But I’d like to think it was with Riker… Rice is all ‘who sent you’ and Riker replies ‘YOUR MOMMA’

Cindee: I don’t think that those are related…

Martha: (I think he technically says your mother but Im calling it regardless) but yes, the good old Lollipop is indeed a good ship. That was some pretty snazzy alien tech to be fair. Shame they couldn’t actually buy some…

Cindee: Yeah so Yar keeps outsmarting them or whatever

Martha: She fires her fazer and it works ONCE. Data does most of the smartsing

Cindee: Meanwhile, Picard and Crusher fall in a hole

Martha: Why are you so obsessed with this hole! I’m just glad Picard didn’t ‘omg fall on top of the lady’

Cindee: Also, if those things are so fancy, why can’t they fucking aim,
they’re worse than storm troopers!

Martha: And they dont even have that genuine war syndrome thing to blame…

Cindee: Oh and the hole, I just think it is a stupid plot point to fall in a hole

Martha: Well of course it is, and Crusher somehow manages to fall UNDER some pretty heavy sand…

Cindee: I know, how did that occur exactly? I’m no physicist, but . . .

Martha: We’re supposed to think it fell with her from the walls or the top I guess

Cindee: Ok, fine

Martha: But Picard, being a manly man, was not so afflicted by this sand so we get treated to Picard’s bedside manner STAY AWAKE. THATS AN ORDER

Cindee: so Crusher is covered in sand and tells Picard how to do basic first aid, which one would think he’d know…

Martha: Erm no. Basic first aid has been cured. Nobody needs it anymore

Cindee: Meanwhile, she uses her knowledge of roots from ANOTHER PLANET to identify one on this one that could be useful

Martha: ALL YELLOW PLANTS ARE FINE

Cindee: And Picard tastes it and it’s yellow so naturally…

Martha: How dare you question her Grandmother’s knowledge. So we now know Crusher once lived on some planet where I guess everyone died… except Crusher and her grandma…

Cindee: They all did, they all have some horrible tragic past.

Martha: I’m still waiting on La Forge’s. And Riker’s. And Picard’s! I cant wait to learn of their emotional turmoil

Cindee: ha, well, I’d tell ya, but SPOILERS

Martha: oh, guess what happens when they fall down the hole… It’s a literal RIP to the lab cardigan

Cindee: Lab coat

Martha: I thought we agreed on lab cardigan

Cindee: You agreed on lab cardigan… its not like she can’t get another one

Martha: Im sure Troi has a massive fucking unused stash she can have ‘these are all brand new in the packet’

Cindee: What on earth are you talking about? She can just replicate a new one

Martha: They havent used the replicators yet! I dont think anyway…

Cindee: Huh? Interesting

Martha: If something like fizzles into view is that the replicator? cos the Klingons got themselves some food like that.

Cindee: Yes

Martha: Okay the Klingons replicated food then. They knew how it worked. Maybe Worf told them after the yelling…but I’m not aware of it being made a point of yet.

Cindee: Well, the odd thing is, different aliens all seem capable of using each others technology without instruction all the time

Martha: Well, I do not know the technology. I am but a primitive alien

Cindee: What you can and cannot replicate seems to change for the convenience of the plot

Martha: Well thats fair enough haha. Anyway, I think its a good job Geordi is left in charge because Geordi is the only person who remembers the ship separates.

Cindee: Well that’s true.

Martha: AND he knows that theres always time for a log!

Cindee: seriously, they almost never separate it and they almost always should! Well ya gotta have logs

Martha: Picard knows no one else will bother with a log whilst they’re being shot at by an invisible massively powerful alien and all their shields are down and most of the senior staff are stuck on a planet where they cant beam off being shot at by similar powerful things…

WELL would YOU separate if you got the reception La Forge got? I left you this ship in one piece! FIX IT FIX IT FIX IT! HOW ABOUT A WELL DONE PICARD??

Cindee: Wait, what?

Martha: How about a pat on the back? When he comes back Picard is all ‘when I left this ship was in one piece, sort it out’

Cindee: oh well he was joking!

Martha: and its his ‘hahaha’ way with Riker which has absolutely no humour to it half the time. He is rubbish at joking!

Cindee: Well he is still learning

Martha: he is getting there. if he wasn’t as aggressive the rest of the time I could take his jokes as jokes haha. Oh I forgot about Data rescuing them from the convenient hole. Oh, also, contrary to popular believe (very) white men CAN jump (down holes…)

Cindee: That’s the title of a movie, not a popular belief

Martha: I take all my beliefs from Woody Harrelson movies. Twinkies are gods gift to food, and, other stuff.

Cindee: you are now making pop culture references I do not understand

Martha In Zombieland he’s obsessed with finding a twinkie as they are the only food which can survive an apocalypse, or something…

Cindee: Also, can’t believe you didn’t complain about the lack of Wesley..

Martha: Hahah after ‘Coming of Age’ I’m due for a break….

I don’t mean it, grown ass man Wesley…
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Klingon Yelling Episode (AKA Heart of Glory)

Cindee: So, some Klingons show up, and they’re not fans of the treaty

Martha: Can we go back a second, What is the neutral zone? And why can’t anyone go in it?

Cindee: Well it’s a bit weird, cause in TOS the neutral zone is an area of space between the Klingon Empire and Federation. In TNG its the same thing, but with the Romulans

Martha: I could understand no battle ships. But this was a freight ship?

Cindee: No one can go in the neutral zone. NO ONE

Martha: Okay

Cindee: I mean, in theory

Martha: So yes, they go aboard and find Klingons.I have many issues with this episode. Mostly with your friend Picard.

Cindee: Well he’s not my friend yet
Martha

Martha: Hahaha, So Geordie has a way to transmit his vision to the bridge.

Cindee: ooooh right, that was a thing in this episode, and then they never spoke of it again

Martha: and now Picard can FINALLY UNDERSTAND HIM. Because you can’t understand someone unless you know how they see things visually.

Cindee: Correct, that’s why Tony doesn’t understand me, he has perfect vision, I wear glasses. Eventually, it’ll lead to divorce.

Martha: And what’s that red human shaped thing?!

Cindee: Riker

Martha: Oh… Riker.. Come on Picard!

Cindee: So yeah, pretty ableist

Martha: It just was weirdly worded They could have been like ‘oh so this is what you can see! The strength of the metal, the heat signals, cool!’
Not ‘now I know who he is… I had no idea before!’

Cindee: It’s like when they have kids use a wheelchair or blindfold themselves or whatever and then think they understand what it is like to be disabled.

Martha: Hahahahaha yeah basically

Cindee: No you don’t, you don’t know how to operate a damn wheelchair, so of course its superweird for you…

Martha: Yes it was very silly

Cindee: Yes, and then they never spoke of it again…

Martha: Well the signal got overloaded. Forever… OH, We have another fantastic ask of Data from Riker.

Cindee: which is?

Martha:
Riker: How do we get to the engine room?
Data: There are several paths to the engine room, all of which are equally dangerous
Riker: Well which is the least dangerous?!’

RIKER DO YOU NOT KNOW WHAT EQUALLY MEANS!

Cindee: Lol, I have tried to explain to you that he’s not that bright

Martha: Hahaha he really isn’t!

Cindee: Did he have his thinking face?

Riker: No he was mad. He was mad because he was sick of Picard being all

‘Look at Data!’

‘Look at some fire!’

‘Look at Riker!!’

Treating poor Geordi like an eye puppet

Cindee: Wait, Riker is mad at ableism and so asked Data a stupid question later?

Martha: No he didn’t have a thinking face cos he was too annoyed for it…

Cindee: There is this one episode where for medical reasons, Riker is having trouble concentrating. aAnyways I am like HOW IS THIS DIFFERENT THAN NORMAL. Like theres like a whole minute of him just making lots of thinking faces and looking confused

Martha: That. Sounds.Amazing. Im sure it won’t be… Anyway, so we find some
Klingons, and beam them back. WITH SOME ADDED PERIL OF AN EXPLOSION. But somehow they beam fine

Cindee: Saved by the transporter, as always. Transporters are fucking magical,

Martha: Sooooo the Klingons are here, and just like Datalore we now distrust Worf!

Cindee: Lmao, yeah, it is funny cause they act like people will be loyal to their “kind” over their actual socialization

Martha: Like seriously. I hope some dodgy French people don’t come aboard cos now we won’t trust Picard!

Cindee: It’s really actually racist, if you think about it. it assumes people’s intentions, behavior, etc are like built into their genes or something.

Martha. It’s just very odd and it makes you think that they’re not really good friends and teammates!!

Cindee: But you know, humans are Americans, and it was only 70 years ago we were like “lets distrust these Japanese American citizens!!!”

Martha: Hurray for Joseph McCarthy!

Cindee: um, I don’t think that was McCarthy. McCarthy was the communist witch hunt guy

Martha: I thought it came about after his red scare stuff as well

Cindee: No, it was during WWII. Red scare was after WWII. the point is, racism. Worf is in Starfleet, but we can’t trust him cause genes.

Martha: Or Data, cos circuits…

Cindee: Lmao, yes anyways, so the Klingons are on board

Martha: But to be fair Worf does get quite into these Klingons, he even does a lovely yell when one dies.

Yelling

Cindee: Well, that doesn’t really bother me, people have death rituals

Martha: No it just felt he was copying them a bit

Cindee: Did he only start after they did?

Martha: Yes

Cindee: Ok

Martha. As with Lore in Datalore, the Klingons are given remarkable freedom on the ship, until we speak to big boss Klingon and we find out that actually these are rebels.

Cindee: Well, there’s a treaty. They’re allies

Martha: Well they don’t fully trust them as the damage to the ship is from Klingon weapons. (On a Ferengi ship… hmmm ok)

Cindee: Aaaaaand?

Martha: THEY KILL 2 PEOPLE

Cindee: When they were on the freighter?

Martha: No the Klingons killed two security people

Cindee: I forgot about that, and doesn’t Worf kinda defend them?

Martha: He acts incredibly neutral to them. Like, too neutral really considering. A mother and child come out of a lift and Yar says GO BACK! And then the Klingon picks a kid up, Yar calls in a hostage situation. The Klingon gives the kid to Worf and Worf puts her down AND THE MOTHER AND CHILD SQUEEZE PAST THE KLINGONS AND CONTINUE THEIR JOURNEY

Cindee: Lmao

Martha: No go back in the fucking lift!!!

Cindee: There’s a treaty! There’s nothing to fear!

Martha: And then Worf is all ‘it’s weak to take hostages, Klingons don’t do that’ But then the Klingons give up

Cindee: Are you sure he didn’t say it was dishonorable, thats what he calls most things.

Martha: And then Worf is all don’t kill them, let them free on a planet with massive fuck off monsters so they can fight to the death.

Cindee: Right, to die an honorable death.

Martha: Yes, And I’m pretty sure the boss is like ‘nope’

Cindee: If a Klingon doesn’t die in battle, they don’t go to Klingon heaven

Martha: If Klingons go to Klingon heaven…why do they scream to warn the others of a warrior incoming? If they’re all warriors…

Cindee: Cause, warriors are scary

Martha: Not if you’re a warrior too…

Martha: Erm so anyway Klingon boss is all ‘after you’re done being a SF Officer come join me’ And Worf is all like ‘I am honoured’

Cindee: Worf likes honor

Martha: And then Picard and Riker and everyone just stare at him, like him joining the Klingons would be a FUCKING TRAVESTY

Cindee: And he was like j/k.

Martha: hahahahaha, he was so like j/k.

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Ugly Bags of Mostly Water (AKA Home Soil)

Cindee: Ok so did you watch home soil?

Martha: Half watched. I need to rewatch. I have no idea what went on except I know someone died!!

Cindee: It is so boring

Martha: I probably know most of it from half watching. The sand is alive. They are stealing the saltwater which it liked so it kicks off. They apologise. The end.

Cindee: Correct. The only thing you’re missing is that it has one of the greatest lines from TNG ever.

Martha: Is it. ‘We have a holodeck which you might enjoy!’

Cindee: Well, Riker DOES say that.

Martha: He does!

Cindee: Anyways, the sand calls the humans “ugly bags of mostly water” and the Data agrees it is an accurate description

Martha: Data you’re humanoid!!!

Cindee: He is not a bag though, and he is not mostly water. So anyways, that could be out post.

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Inconsistent Medical Progress Photos (AKA Too Short a Season)

Martha: Cindee!! Wtf is this. Watch Picard’s face as he goes through the door.

Cindee: ok so. I noticed that too and thought I was imagining it

Martha: Ahahaha! Is he just being daft and they left it in?

Cindee: That is the only explanation I have.

Martha: I must say though that was the highlight of the episode.

Cindee: Yeah so I don’t know that there’s much to say about this episode other than “what exactly was that?” and, ableism.

Martha: The story was predictable due to the crappy make up

Cindee: You could tell he wasn’t an old dude from the start?

I’m assuming Cindee is being sarcastic…

Martha: Like if he didn’t get younger OR have flashbacks then what on Earth. I had my suspicions, like Riker, who is always suspicious.  I kept hoping his next ‘attack’ would end with him being a baby.

Cindee: Then have I got the Voyager episode for you!

Martha: DO YOU BELIEVE US NOW HOSTAGE MAN?And then when Picard is trying to prove his story to the bad guy he’s all‘Look at these medical photos we took!’ And it’s all fucking screen grabs of previous scenes!!

Cindee:  it was the 80s!

Martha: Where was Crusher and her camera?! Surely this isn’t reliable medical evidence! And the handy scar, which he could have shown about 15 mins before he did.

Cindee: What would have been more reliable?

Martha: Like for medical progress photos they tend to keep people in the same room.The same pose.

Cindee:  you know this from your days a a medical practitioner?

Martha: IVE USED GOOGLE.

Cindee: You googled “medical progress photos”?

Martha: Everyone needs a hobby

Cindee:  Yours is googling medical progress photos?

Martha: Yes

Cindee: Alright then. They should have consulted you!

Martha: My only other thought on this episode is that I’m glad shit interpretations of the prime directive go back 45 years!

Cindee: Do I need an ableism rant, or is the ableism pretty obvious?

Martha: You’re better at it than me. I’m assuming you mean the ‘I can’t possible negotiate this unless I’m young!’ aspect?

Cindee: I mean the tropes, the tropes! Disabled man is bitter.
Disabled man is secretly bad. Disabled man wishes he wasn’t disabled
blah blah blah

Martha: I know what you mean BUT pretty much every other character is like ‘you are making terrible decisions’ His wife is very clear that she loved him as he was and she wasn’t bothered. I mean disabled man did make some shit decisions in the past and, I dunno I guess he wasn’t ‘bad’ as such? He just wanted to make amends

Cindee: Yeah but that actually makes it worse! All the non-disabled people see that the cure is worse than the disability but the guy with it!

Martha: Yes he didn’t want to be disabled anymore, BUT frankly I’m
disappointed that Crusher hasn’t bothered to fix that disease yet.

Cindee: And yeah it would be ok if some characters with disabilities were evil but disabled characters in TV shows are all basically: bitter, evil, or magic

Martha: British people are always evil in things. Evil or Hugh Grant.

Cindee; True. Like all the death star dudes.

 

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What’s a knockout like you doing in a computer generated gin bar like this? (AKA 11001001)

Martha: Does this count as a holodeck episode?

Cindee: Not to me. The holodeck is involved, but it’s not the plot.

Martha: I disliked Riker this episode, honestly I didnt enjoy this episode all that much…

Cindee: I didn’t say you would!

Martha: Although i would like a “personal relaxation light” if you know what I mean…. seriously, what does it mean?

Cindee: Um. Wut.

Martha: You’re too busy looking at the bigger existential picture Cindee!!

Cindee: That is usually true

Martha: When they get to the big space station thats what Picard says he wants to do, put on his personal relaxation light and read a novel.

Cindee: I see

Martha: Worf and Yar are off playing ‘parrises squares’. I imagine many people are dead as Worf is taking it very seriously.

Cindee: Yeah why does Riker wander about the ship and see all the supporting characters before the main action? Perhaps so the actors don’t feel left out.

Martha: Hahahah! Yes Riker absolutely does go on a random wander just to check everyone has a job. Data is painting. Crusher is solving a disease. Troi doesn’t fucking exist.

Cindee: Yeah Data is always making paintings, I’m not sure what is up with that.

Martha: So Riker can make ‘hilarious’ quips about the blind man teaching the android to paint!

Cindee: Oh wow that’s nice and ableist. As for parrises squares, they always talk about it but never explain how it is played. Like they talk about it in all three series. Apparently it is really dangerous, though. Anyway my ride is here, I have to go…

Martha: Thats fine. I will just stew over Riker’s paint by numbers hot chick.

*interlude of solace and despair whilst Martha contemplates why she is doing this, and if Cindee will ever return*

Cindee: Where were we…

Martha: Okay! Let me get my notes!

Cindee: You took NOTES?

Martha: I take notes every episode. Otherwise I forget the good quotes SUCH AS ‘What’s a knockout like you doing in a computer generated gin bar like this?’

Cindee: What are you talking about, that’s a great pickup line. That’s how my husband and I met. He said that to me.

Martha: I hope he was leaning against something at the time

Cindee: Well, like Riker, he is a tall man.

Martha: Do we find it creepy that Riker had the holodeck rustle up his perfect physical woman?

Cindee: I find it creepy whenever a character has some sort of romance with a holodeck character

Martha: And then Picard walks in! It’s the equivalent of walking in on someone with a sex doll… but its totally normal! Yeah it’s super creepy especially as she knows exactly what she is too (unlike, I assume, the other holodeck characters?)

Cindee: Yeah most don’t, usually when they figure it out, we’ve got a damn holodeck episode on our hands.

Martha: Also I can really do without Riker playing the trombone. This is why it felt like a holodeck episode to me as it was fully of stupid holodeck stuff alongside the real world plot.

CIndee: Well. I’ve got some REALLY bad news for you. It’s one of his main character traits. There’s this one episode where Crusher is describing everyone, and that’s like the first thing she says about him.

Martha: Seriously?! The TROMBONE urgh. Okay I’m out Cindee. I WAS PROMISED SPACE ADVENTURE. BOLDY GOING WHERE NO MAN HAS GONE BEFORE. Not fucking trombones!!!

Cindee: Do you have something against trombones in particular, characters have to have personality traits for Crusher to explain in that episode.

Martha: Riker has this slightly creepy smiley eye thing, and whilst blowing a trombone his sexy eyes at the lady was just… I can’t!

Creepy trombone eyes

Cindee: I keep telling you Martha, that’s how my husband and I met. STOP JUDGING US

Martha: So, potentially one of the worst almost disasters to happen to the ship so far, and where is Picard and his number one? ARSING ABOUT ON THE HOLODECK

Cindee: well, yes.

Martha: Typical. Like they’re upgrading the ship, they should not be on the ship, I don’t care if Riker is testing out the ‘upgrades’ get off the damn Enterprise!

Cindee: Well the bynars had it covered

Martha: I didnt mind that bit. They were okay. I don’t quite understand how Picard and Riker managed to download the planet back to the planet merely by looking at it, but that’s the least of my worries…

Cindee: Yeah I kinda like the Bynars themselves

Martha: Yeah they made sense overall. Plus they had snazzy information bum bags And who doesn’t love a bum bag?

Cindee: Is that a Britishism? Bum bag?

Martha: Hahaha yes. You call it a fanny pack. But a fanny is a vagina here. So we don’t call it that.

Cindee: oh wow. ok. This information will come in handy when I next visit England.

Martha: Hahah. Yes So yes we don’t mind the Bynars. I hope they don’t get in too much trouble from evil twin Picard.

Cindee: Evil twin Picard?

Martha: Yeah, the other bald captain who is like Picard’s evil twin because he has a beard. He also has a fancy name but I didn’t write it in my notes

Cindee: Dude. you’re thinking of TOS.

Martha: I am not I haven’t even seen it haha

Cindee: Where did you see this evil Picard?

Picard and his evil twin Quinteros

Martha: ITS LIKE A GODDAMN MIRROR

Cndee: Welp. I forgot about THAT. Fun fact: as established by the mirror universe Spock, in Star Trek, goatee = EVIL

Martha: See he’s evil Picard!

Cindee: Right that’s why at first I was like “is she thinking of TOS or what?” What is the point of that guy?

Martha: He’s just there to like, tell them a bit about the Bynars, and also tell Data and Yar there are no more ships to go help the Enterprise.

Cindee: Wait and Data and Yar don’t notice the damn goatee?

Martha: Well they can’t start distrusting Riker in 10 or so episodes. Plot twist, that’s evil Riker…

Cindee: No, he has a full board, not a goatee

Martha: Hahaha okay! Wesley kiiiinda saves the day. Well he tries. Turns out it’s all a false alarm anyway

Cindee: Right, cause they just want to borrow the ship to download their computer files. The Enterprise is thus a flying flash drive

Martha: It’s the only half decent ship in the galaxy. Despite them having problems with the holodeck…. you don’t say Picard!! I continue to like Data. He was good this episode, evacuated everyone, felt super guilty about everything. I like him

Cindee: Well they aren’t downloading their planet into the holodeck

Martha: Because the holodeck is simply a sexy distraction!

Cindee: No, its a death trap

Martha: Why don’t they just board it up after like, the second death. And be like just watch a fucking movie okay?!

Cindee: They never learn…

Martha: The historian is dead (RIP) Wesley unleashed a snowball virus. Riker has ghonnorhea…

Cindee: They keep using them and things keep going wrong all the way through Voyager, Seriously, someone get on those safety protocols or the Russians are going to hack them so easily.

Martha: So yeah, I wish they had concentrated more on the Bynars. Perhaps more info about them and their planet and the space station they docked at. And none of this sexy holodeck jazz brotherly nonsense

Cindee: brotherly?

Martha: Brothel. My phone keeps changing brothel to brother. That’s not good.

Cindee: Yes, you probably frequently talk about brothels, so this will be a serious problem in the future… Anyway at the end, doesn’t Riker go back to the holodeck and now she’s no good?

Martha:  Hahaha oh god yeah! Like I don’t get that, was Minuet like temporary? Why? How would that be a thing? And he tried ALL THE WOMEN but none were the same haha.

Cindee: I think the implication was that the Bynars had magically make the holodeck better, and now that they were gone it wasn’t again, which, why they’d take that away, I dunno.

Martha: Maybe because Riker was grossing them out. If I was Minuet I’d hot foot it out of the holodeck. Yeah like so she was a response to what he wanted whereas the holodeck normally just had pre programmed ‘characters’

Cindee: So, the holodeck read his damn mind?

Martha: Well he does say at some point she was saying exactly what he wanted her too. And Picard was saying how well she responded to… input. Poor Troi. No wonder she wasn’t in this episode!

Cindee: I sometimes wonder where Troi is when it would be handy for someone to be able to read people’s emotions… oh yeah doesn’t she talk in French to him?

Martha: Hahah yes she talks French to Picard…And Rikers all ‘hands off!!’ Haha

Cindee: Does HE say anything in french to indicate he is French, otherwise, why not just talk in a British accent.

Martha: No, she starts it from his name when he is introduced

Cindee: Oh, I see

Martha: But the holodeck isn’t healthy. No one will ever live up to Rikers perfect woman he created.

Cindee: I dunno, he seems to find other women to love

Martha: He’s a tart.

Cindee: A tart? Like, a pop tart?

Martha: Yes. A sexy pop tart.

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Shut Up, Wesley! (AKA Datalore)

Martha: Oh this is kinda sad. I’m still watching. I’m just sad.

Cindee: Because?

Martha: Data has found his unassembled brother. I mean he’ll probably end up evil and ruin everything

Cindee: what makes you think that?

Martha: Well I guess cos they’re not gonna go through life with two data’s. So he can’t be nice.

Cindee: Maybe he’s nice but dies

Martha: That’s also sad

Cindee: Oh right

Martha: OMFG. RIKER ASKED IF IT HAD A PENIS.

Cindee leaves Martha and does something more interesting for a while.

Martha: I have many problems with that episode. Let’s double down and watch Angel One

Cindee: Wait you’re watching Angel One already?

Martha: I can pause!

Cindee: So, you were right, Lore is evil

Martha: Yeah, I guess it was to be expected

Cindee: Really his name should have been a dead giveaway. What’s the opposite of fact? Fiction. What’s the opposite of Data? Evil.

Martha: It was sad that Data wanted a brother and he was just mean to him throughout

Cindee: Data has so many damn relatives for a robot though. Like every other episode someone comes along and is like “you might say I’m like your aunt” and then everyone is like YEAH!

Martha: So let me see if I have the story right. Soong created Lore. He was too lifelike. Soong started making Data. Lore called the crystal thing to kill the planet. The farmers took Lore apart and carefully put him away. Soong was happy with this. Soong put data outside with a clock. Because, reasons. Crystal thing turned up and killed people.

Cindee: That is not completely accurate. The problem with Lore wasn’t that he was too lifelike, that’s just what Lore says. The problem was that he was evil!

Martha: Ok, but I still don’t understand who got made when and when did everyone die and how and when

Cindee: No one does really. Data has quite a complicated family for a fucking robot.

Martha: Okay as long as I’m as confused as everyone else

Cindee: I also don’t understand why, in like 2 decades, no one else has gone to this planet to investigate what happened

Martha: The whole episode makes zero sense. Data isn’t interested in the approach to his home world. EVERYONE IS SURPRISED. You guys do realise you have given no shits about where you were going this entire time? You were on the goddamn holodeck last approach Picard!! They bring Lore aboard. They teach him about the ship. They let him have full access to ship files. Crusher scolds data for not trusting his brother. THEN THEYRE ALL ‘I WONDER WHERE DATAS LOYALTIES LIE’ What?! Why do you suddenly not trust the guy you’ve lived with for YEARS but trust the random new one?!

Cindee: Technically, they’ve lived with him for a few months. But ok, It makes zero sense. I thought that the multiple robots and Wesley saving the day would make you happy!

Martha: I did enjoy that but I was frustrated because he was the only one with a half sensible approach!  I don’t think I have anything else to say on Datalore

Cindee: Maybe you should skip to season 3 after all . . .

Martha: I have 16 mins left of Angel One. And fuck me it’s a piece of shit so far

Cindee: Yeah . . .

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The Holodeck is a Death Trap (AKA The Big Goodbye)

Prologue

Martha: Can you die in the holodeck?

Cindee: in theory, no. There are these things called “safety protocols” that are supposed to prevent bad things from happening

Martha: Like bullets don’t do anything, for example

Cindee: In theory

Martha: So, if the safety protocols break the hologram bullets become ACTUAL BULLETS

Cindee: That’s basically the plot of every fucking holodeck episode

Martha: WHO IS IN CHARGE?!

Cindee: Of what?

Martha: Like recently they said, when the ship started failing, that a ship this new couldn’t possibly be failing. So, who is in charge of maintaining the holodeck?!

Cindee: The engineering staff

Martha: Well, if they didn’t switch them out every so often maybe someone could get experience, and do their job properly!

Cindee: I mean, every time it happens, they act surprised. Also, they get fucking locked in the holodeck somehow, obviously

Martha: This is just simple poor maintenance. Also, how is detective noir necessary for space training?

Cindee: The holodeck is for recreation, not training. They go there to unwind, but then something goes terribly wrong, including the damn safety protocols

Martha: How does anyone get locked in anywhere

Cindee: They have some damn contrived reason every time, the reasons vary

Martha: Get Wesley on the case

Cindee: . . .

Post-Episode

Matha: HAHAHAHHA people died

Cindee: My husband will be home soon and we will go out for dinner then . . . so . . . you’ll have to wait to rant

Martha: I LITERALLY CAN’T Is that guy dead? That’s all I need to know for now.

Cindee: The historian?

Martha: Yes

Cindee: Dunno

Martha: Do they never actually come back to him? If not, he’s dead.

Cindee: Well, to be fair, there was never again a need for them to call on the skills of a 20th century earth history expert on a space ship traveling AWAY from earth. So, he could be sitting in his quarters, waiting to be needed again

Martha: Nah he’s dead. And you know what’s worse than not caring when someone dies? Or even laughing at Data when someone dies?  CLAPPING!! CLAPPING WHEN SOMEONE DIES!

Cindee: I don’t remember any clapping

Martha: Crusher clapped! When he got shot she was all claps isn’t the holodeck marvelous. Oh, blood.

Cindee: Well she doesn’t realize the holodeck is a death trap yet

Martha: Just because you like her Cindee, doesn’t mean it’s ok. Also, crying is allowed in the penalty box and apparently sex is allowed on the holodeck. No wonder it keeps malfunctioning

Cindee: You think people having sex on the holodeck is why the safety protocols keep failing?

Martha: Well it can’t help. I mean this time it was an alien ‘probe.’

Cindee: Well they’ve got to contrive some reason for the holodeck to fail every time there’s a holodeck episode. Trust me, there are more ridiculous holodeck episodes. For example, the one where data wears a sombrero. According to Memory Alpha, the historian is alive.

Martha: Is that purely by omission of a eulogy

Cindee: probably just a recognition of Dr. Crusher’s skillz

Martha: Her pulse reading and ‘ignoring him for the rest of the scene’ skills. They also PUNCH A HOLOGRAM dramatically before getting him out of there. There is no urgency!

Cindee: he’s just a historian

Martha: He’s also a massive buzzkill. ‘It’s just a character from a book Picard’

Cindee: At least he’s better than the historian from TOS. They revive some people from cryogenic sleep and the historian falls in love with one of them because HE’S FROM HISTORY.

Martha: Also, this book, the guy keeps asking for an object. Doesn’t the book tell them what it is/where it is?!

Cindee: Tell who?

Martha: Data? Picard? They’ve read the book. Everything else is scenes from the book

Cindee:  It’s BASED on a book. It’s interactive

Martha: Do you not think Picard was a little unprofessional to go jolly on the holodeck when he had an important meeting coming up which clearly had no set time?

Cindee: Yeah its weird to me that they all seem surprised when they arrive at destinations. They’ll set a course and then they’ll be doing something else and get a message “we’re here!!!”

Martha: Surely, it’s someone’s job to know that.

Cindee: We have to talk about this message Picard has to recite, too, though. There are episodes where they go undercover, use the universal translator, and NO ONE noticed that they aren’t actually speaking the native language. Yet here, somehow, they will know of Picard isn’t saying this greeting in their language

Martha: I thought the group sounded like a lot of effort to be honest

Cindee: The aliens?

Martha: Yes

Cindee: Don’t they just say the greeting and then head off somewhere else?

Martha: Yeah that’s it. Best mates for life. But why refuse to be friends because of a slight mispronunciation. Are they really that integral to this space programme?

Cindee: well, you refused to be Picard’s friend on account of how he pronounced sensors

Martha: Because he KNOWS how to say it.

Cindee: Does he? DOES HE?

Martha: Yes! Just like Wesley knows how to fix the holodeck! What I don’t understand is how Wesley’s mistake can cause the real people inside to CEASE TO EXIST. Die? Sure! But I expect mangled corpses on the room

Cindee: wait, wut?

Martha: That what he says! Are we even watching the same show?

Cindee: I told you, I don’t remember it well. I didn’t bother rewatching because it is a holodeck episode, thus I knew the plot: go the holodeck, something goes terribly wrong, oh no the safety protocols are fucking broken again

Martha: Well that’s what he says, and Riker’s all ‘well give it a try’ and all that happens is the doors open. Nothing actually disappears. Also, they come out of the other door so they don’t even see Wesley and pals when they come out

Cindee: Did you just refer to Geordi, Riker, and Wesley as “Wesley and pals”

Martha: There are three other generic engineers. One is probably the new chief. Why is Geordi helping anyway?

Cindee: Geordi is good at engineering

Martha: Isn’t red military and command? And gold is engineering and, navigation? (Even though Geordi seems to do most of that…)

Cindee: Navigation is red for reasons I don’t understand. Gold is engineering and security.

Martha: Of course! Security. How did I forget Yar. Right so let’s take it back a little. We’ve seen Yar use the holodeck, and Riker. So, why do they all gather round to listen to Picard’s ‘tales of the holodeck’? Why doesn’t he show them? Don’t they already KNOW what it does?!

Cindee: The UPGRADES Martha, the UPGRADES

Martha: Also, they talk about AU TO MO BEEEEELS?

Cindee: Automobile is a valid word

Martha: and instead of the many things you could say about cars, pollution, the fuels they use TEENAGERS USE THEM FOR DATING RITUALS. Goddamnit it Data. Not everything is about sex!

Cindee: Dating is not the same as sex!

Martha: American teenagers have sexy car times Cindee. I know this! IVE SEEN MOVIES

Cindee: Well apparently so has Data. Ok, but wait here, why does the word automobile bother you?

Martha: Oh it doesn’t! That’s just how Worf says it. Cos ya know, he’s a Klingon. Has never had any contact with humans ever…

Cindee: How does Worf say it?

Martha: Au… to.. mo… beeeeels? With an inflection in beels

Cindee: Presumably they wanted to show how culture and technology have changes and Worf didn’t have anything else to do, so he got to say it

Martha: Also on new earth Halloween has been cancelled

Cindee: Well it is a stupid holiday

Martha: It’s not big here. It’s about 4000 times bigger in America it seems

Cindee: Star Trek is a utopian view of the future Martha. No crime, no poverty, no Halloween

Martha: So, whilst Picard is having a fun time this very important meeting starts to happen. Wesley is in Data’s seat?! Where’s O’Brien?! Bring back O’Brien. Or dare I say it, another actually qualified member of the crew

Cindee: Well O’Brien might be trying out a different job

Martha: How do you find Crusher on the holodeck?

Cindee: With a tricorder?

Martha: I felt she went a bit ‘silly woman’ all giggly etc, which is at odds with her normal persona

Cindee: Agreed. Perhaps she was trying to be historically consistent

Martha: Oh, ALSO Picard says when describing the holodeck (in his captains logs which make no sense, he’s like ‘I’m on the holodeck to see.’ He has so many logs that are present tense! When is he saying this?! As he’s doing it?

Cindee: Yeah, he never stops doing that. There will be a fucking crisis going on and Picard runs off to make a log

Martha: Well he clearly has no concept of appropriate timing for this. Because he should be using the holodeck on his ‘off’ times! Not as a stress reliever during work hours. Also! I love how he refuses to practice. Which is basically them saying ‘we can’t get him to say this same string of noises twice, make an excuse!’

Cindee: He practices for hours

Martha: Not on screen!

Cindee: Well that’d be a bit boring

Martha: How dare you.

Cindee: We just watch Patrick Stewart say some alien words for an entire episode over and over?

Martha: But yes a lovely light hearted joke at the end, whilst historian is bleeding out in sick bay

Cindee: There’s always a light-hearted joke. Hence my husband and I have our tradition of saying “HA HA HA HA HA HA, people died” at the end of the episode.

Martha: He’s definitely dead.

Cindee: Memory Alpha disagrees

Martha: If I don’t see him again he’s dead.

RIP Historian
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Headache Pokeballs (AKA The Battle)

Martha had the strange idea to watch The Battle and chat with Cindee at the same time. The result was that everything is out of context and makes no sense. So, Cindee copied and pasted information from Memory Alpha so you know what is going on.

Martha: Ooooh the battle!

Cindee: *waits for it*

Martha: OH FUCK OFF FERENGIS

Cindee: yup, there it is

Dr. Crusher comes to see Picard in his quarters, where he complains of feeling fatigued and having a bad headache. She examines him and can find nothing wrong, but tells him to come to sickbay all the same.

Martha: Crusher has solved headaches. And is surprised that Picard has one.

Cindee: Yeah that seems very funny to me. Like, what is solving them exactly? A headache vaccine? Like maybe they have better painkillers, I’d buy that. But headaches just don’t happen?

Picard returns to the bridge and talks with the Ferengi captain, DaiMon Bok over the Enterprise’s viewscreen.

Martha: Daimon?? That’s not an alien name

Cindee: That is a title, like captain

Martha: Oh the Ferengi don’t mind visual contact a mere 3 episodes later

Cindee: I told you, that first episode is wildly inconsistent

Martha: You spelt SEASON wrong. This Ferengi seems a little nicer than the others. And a bit more chill.

Cindee: Or so he would have you believe

Martha: SPOILERS.

Cindee: spoilers? the title of the episode is “the battle.” WTF do you think is going to happen.

Martha: Wesley battles to have someone listen to him?

Picard goes to sickbay where Crusher examines him again, but fails to find any medical reason for his headaches.

Martha: AS SIMPLE AS A HEADACHE. Crusher is having none of it. Oh the days before they knew the NATURE OF PAIN.

Cindee: Well they’ve mapped the brain now. Once you map something, it can’t hurt anymore

Picard returns to the bridge, where Wesley Crusher arrives and tells Geordi La Forge that when he was boosting the range of the long-range sensors, he detected a ship approaching.

Martha: Ooooh rainbow jumper with a fabulous collar and fitted waist

Cindee: Ok, pause

Martha: Paused

Cindee: You need to buy these:

Martha: But why of all his fabulous jumpers is this the one that’s taken off? Is this his uniform now?

Cindee: I’m so sorry to be the one to break it to you, but, the sweaters are done for. UNPAUSE.

Picard is then hit by another headache, before ordering La Forge to zoom in on the approaching starship. It is the Stargazer, which the Ferengi found adrift, and are now giving to Picard. Bok says it will be a gift, free of charge, which his subordinates don’t like.

Martha: oh no, the headaches back. TROI CANNOT BELIEVE IT.

Cindee: Well of course not!

Martha: This headache is very distracting to poor Picard.

Cindee: Well, if you’d never had one before and got one, wouldn’t you think you were dying or something?

Martha: Oh god Troi felt the headache. A GUILT HEADACHE. NOT A THING. Hmmmm, this seems too good to be true.

Cindee: Them giving them the Stargazer?

Martha: Yes. even his mates don’t buy it…

Cindee: What are you talking about? It makes total sense to find a derelict starship that was responsible for the destruction of someone of your people’s ship and then give it back to the owners

Later in the observation lounge, Picard tells the crew about the battle. He then performed what is now known as the Picard Maneuver: he ordered a jump to high warp, making it appear to the Ferengi for a second that the Stargazer was in two places at once.

Martha: Okay Riker seems happier talking about the Picard Manoeuvre than he did on the sexy planet

Cindee: Picard is his hero. Side note, is that a typo or is that really how you spell maneuver?

Martha: Yes that’s how we spell it. IT’S FRENCH. AS FRENCH AS PICARD

Cindee: So . . . not very French?

Martha: How dare you. HE IZ ZE MOST FRENCH!

Cindee: With his British accent. Anyways, they’re on the Stargazer now?

Martha: They are. Picard left nudey mags in his cabin.

Cindee: How dare you

Martha: And a glowy Pokeball. Oh its a headache bomb.

Cindee: I was wondering what you’d call that thing

The return to the ship and sometime later Data shows Riker a personal log that Picard supposedly recorded, claiming that he attacked the Ferengi vessel without provocation and that the Ferengi ship was under a flag of truce.

Martha: Picard LIED?? Or they’ve messed with the records.

Cindee: but which is it?

Martha: This Pokeball is really messing with poor Picard

Cindee: Ok, so what exactly is a Pokeball?

Martha: You catch Pokemon in it. They shrink the Pokemon down and it lives in there

Cindee: So maybe it is the headache Pokemon in that one

Martha: Psyduck

Cindee: What is a Psyduck?

Cindee: Is that the headache Pokemon?

Martha: A Pokemon, and it gives itself headaches with its psychic power

Cindee: Alright then, so that’s what’s going on

Picard is in his quarters when Crusher arrives. He tells her the headache is worsening, and he is worrying about the battle and whether he did the right thing. Crusher gives him a sedative and puts him to bed.

Martha: Crusher is sticking floppy discs to Picard’s head

Cindee: well she needs to monitor his brain or something

Martha: Why has no one asked Wesley how to fix this headache?

Cindee: Just you wait

In Picard’s ready room, Data is informing Riker that the log is a forgery

Martha: Riker is so rude!

Cindee: How so?

Martha: Data tells him that some ‘checksom’ things don’t match in the logs, so Riker asks him what that means, he started to explain and Riker says, I DONT WANT A COMPUTER SCIENCE LESSON.

Cindee: That’s pretty typical

In sickbay, Dr. Crusher is discussing the headaches with Deanna Troi when Wesley enters. He tells her that he noticed the captain’s brain patterns were exactly the same as low intensity transmissions detected coming from the Ferengi ship.

Martha: Fuck off Wesley (says everyone!) From a quick glance I have solved all this.

Cindee: HE’S MOZART MARTHA

Martha: Dr Crusher is off to take all the credit. Oh Picard’s bloody beamed off the ship again.

Cindee: At least he didn’t beam into a cloud this time. Ok, so did the Daimon explain shit yet?

Martha: Yeah sorta. Picard killed his son

Cindee: right, so, basically a Star Trek II: Wrath of Khan ripoff

Martha: KHAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNN

Cindee: Yes. Kirk was indirectly responsible for the death of Khan’s wife.

Martha: I’ve only seen the Hot Spock version

Cindee: Well obviously this is not a rip-off of that one, as it didn’t exist yet

Riker realizes that he is going to use the Picard Maneuver, so he orders Data to come up with a suitable defense.

Martha: There is no defense against the Picard Manoeuvre

Cindee: Riker: “think of one anyways” Data: “oh ok, sure”

Kazago hails, and tells Riker that Bok has been removed from command for his part in this “unprofitable venture”.

Martha: Engaging in an unprofitable adventure

Cindee: I told you, Republicans. What I don’t get is, why do the Ferengi forbid the Pokeballs? They seem like they’d be pretty profitable.

Martha: Okay so that’s a win for Wesley. Oh and they gave up on inertia. Who didn’t listen in tractor beam conservation lecture after all!

Cindee: Also, they are towing that thing as sunlight speed. So its gonna take them centuries to get anywhere with it.

Martha: It’s so worth it though, for the nudey mags.

Cindee: I will not sit idly by while you insult Picard like that!

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P for Picard (AKA Lonely Among Us)

Martha: P FOR PICARD!

Cindee: (no response)

Martha: OMG why are you not there?! I need to get this out quickly. I don’t have Troi to hypnotise me to remember all the things I have forgotten!

Cindee: Hahahahahaha. Ok, so, first thoughts?

Martha: My first overarching thought is ‘this made absolutely zero sense’

Cindee: Ok, true. But that’s your main objection here?

Martha: I mean I suppose as a ‘woke’ millennial (I’m too old to be a millennial) I should be most upset at them condescending and belittling the two random cultures they brought aboard

Cindee: Ok, first of all, you are so a millennial

Martha: IF YOU WANT ME TO SAY IM UPSET WITH SHERLOCK DATA I WONT

Cindee: Second of all, my main objection to Data and his pipe is not the pipe itself, but the fact that A MAN JUST DIED and everyone is all like “hahaha, who cares, Data is funny”

Martha: Oh god yes they barely touch on that

Cindee: THEY NEVER DO. At least usually they wait till the end of the episode for their light-hearted moment though

Martha: But it does explain why in two episodes both the chief engineer and the assistant chief engineer have changed since Naked Now. They’re just dying left right and centre!

Cindee: As much as I’d love to say it’s cause they’re racist, they never give a shit when anyone dies. My husband and I even have a running joke where at the end of the episode where they have their little light-hearted moment we both go “HA HA HA HA HA . . . people died”

Martha: I think he’s the first death. Well, that also extends to their alien counterparts. Yar rushes in to say ‘there’s blood everywhere and we can’t find a passenger’

Cindee: Yeah, I know right?

Martha: And Riker is all ‘CANT THIS WAIT ONE MINUTE PICARD IS BACK!!’

Cindee: They just find out that one of the aliens dying and about to be EATEN and they’re all like WHATEVER. They make this huge deal about how they’re all vegetarians, but oh well, that sentient being is gonna be eaten.

Martha: But Picard is back!!!! You’re just not seeing the bigger picture here Yar!

Cindee: Right, cause his physical form was saved in the pattern buffer. CAUSE THAT’S A THING.

Martha: None of it made any sense. Him beaming out into space. That being fine.

Cindee: And being one with a cloud

Martha: Him writing a P on LaForge’s terminal

Cindee: That’s the part that made the MOST sense

Martha: Him being able to ‘get into the ships circuits’

Cindee: Ok, but let’s rewind here

MarthaL Yeah there’s so much I have no order to my thoughts.

CindeeDid you not notice the part where Troi and Crusher talk to Worf about the memory loss he had, and he says he doesn’t remember having any memory loss?

Martha: Yes! And Troi hypnotises then and says ‘remember back to when you first remember having the feeling of having memory loss’

Cindee: With her fancy device

Martha: REMEMBER WHEN YOU FORGOT? Tell me about that!

Cindee: In the future, hypnosis is a legit thing, cause they perfected the technology.

Martha: Troi was the worst. I bought her ‘duality of man’ argument at first, why she didn’t report her feelings.

Cindee: you DID?

Martha: BUT THEN IMMEDIATELY AFTER IT HAPPENS TO PICARD. And she says NOTHING

Cindee: She kinda gets a look on her face

Martha: A super helpful look. A look of ‘I should probably say something…. but… nah’ But, shout out to Worf’s electrocution acting

Cindee: Ok, so, speaking of which, he was in sensor control and Picard said sensors again

Martha: I didn’t have a problem with any pronunciation of sensors this time. It’s different…

Cindee: I see. Maybe earlier Patrick Stewart had legit never said the word before, and then everyone but Marina Sirtis was like “whatevs, prolly how British people said it” and then Sirtis eventually got around to telling him

Martha: She’s the only sensor they need

Cindee: You do know she’s British, right?

Martha: I did not!

Cindee: She made up some “other” accent that was supposed to be “alien”

Martha: Wesley has the same jumper on as last episode which is upsetting

Cindee: I’m sorry to tell you eventually he just wears the same shirt every day. What did you think of Dr. Crusher’s medical headgear?

Martha: Absolutely perfect! I see medical technology has improved so much

Cindee: To my knowledge, it is the only time she wears that contraption.

Martha: Well are they ever faced with an electrocution again? It seems highly specific

Cindee: Oh, which reminds me, back to our poor friend the assistant chief engineer, I like how no attempt is made to revive him

Martha: No he’s definitely dead

Cindee: Even now we’ve got CPR for that situation

MarthaL Unlike that alien that got poisoned who was dead and Crusher fixes her. And the traveler who she revived despite him being an utter unknown. This guy is definitely dead.

Cindee: Yeah they’re super inconsistent on when they try to revive someone and when they’re just like “nope, dead”

Martha: He was introduced simply to be killed off. He’s a red shirt! (I know that!) Oh also, in the pilot there was a curly haired guy who was on the bridge. He hasn’t been in it for a few episodes, now he’s relegated to ‘alien corridor escort’

Cindee: Oh you mean O’Brien?

Martha: I believe he had an Irish/Scottish accent so, almost certainly yes.

Cindee: Yeah, O’Brien is around for a while, but really struggles with what job he wants apparently. Also, his rank mysteriously changes several times

Martha: Well he’s done a terrible job at escorting the aliens through corridors, because ones being eaten as we speak

Cindee: yeah, well I think that was his only stint as alien escort man

Martha: Okay I’m trying to think of if there’s anything else. Oh! Wesley didn’t save the day but he would have were he given the chance!!!

Cindee: He would have? Oh right, the assistant chief engineer is like “go to class, captain’s orders!”

Martha: And how was he punished? DEATH. Are we certain Wesley didn’t do it?

Cindee: Good point. His revenge for being sent to class?

Martha: This is much darker than anticipated

Posted on

Jazz Hands! (AKA The Last Outpost)

Martha: FERENGIS ARE FUCKING ANNOYING. I HOPE THEY ARE NEVER IN ANOTHER EPISODE. But I know they will be. URGH!

Cindee: Did you watch the whole thing yet?

Martha: Yes!

Cindee: So, yes the Ferengi are in lots more episodes, but they change a lot

Martha: They best do. They literally jumped around doing jazz hands for the last five minutes

Cindee: They were supposed to be the “big” enemy for TNG, but that didn’t work out cause they’re silly. Really, the only consistent thing from this episode to the rest is that they like valuables and they’re sexist and don’t let women wear clothes. In the future, instead of being menacing, they basically just become Republicans

Martha: Oh god. Third/fourth episode now where someone is shocked there’s a woman in the party.

Cindee: Like I said, aliens in Star Trek are sexist, and humans act like we are not. Kinda like how in the U.S. people complain about sexism elsewhere and act like it’s not a thing here.

Martha: So, Worf’s sash, what is this? No one else has one.

Cindee: It’s him being Klingon-y. It has his family crest or whatever on it I think.

Martha: I see! Data continues to be delightful, I enjoyed the Chinese finger traps as bizarre as the inclusion was

Cindee: Really? I thought that was pretty stupid

Martha: It was stupid in that it made no sense in the context, they’re paralysed by an unknown entity, their life support is going to fail but LOL Data’s fingers are stuck. But in isolation I enjoyed it.

Cindee: Well in the grand tradition of our friendship, we are on opposite ends here. I dislike Data.

Martha: Well I’m only 4 episodes in  and currently he’s a good foil to Picard who is too aggressive and serious currently.

Cindee: Touche. I just find some things about Data make no sense. Like him not knowing any idioms. I mean there are idiom books now, so there must be some in the future right? Unless they were all lost in WWIII?

Martha: I guess he needs a ‘thing’ if he’s perfect AI then, other than being a walking plot device (aka encyclopaedia) what purpose does he have (except sex robot…)

Cindee: I get him not getting human behavior . . but idioms?

Martha: I feel the prime directive was thrown out of the window this episode, despite it being a constant theme of it with Riker using it to show the humans worthiness to the Guardian of the (something) empire.

Cindee: The prime directive is WILDLY inconsistently applied in general.

Martha: So, my issue here, as soon as they find out that they are not in fact outgunned by the Ferengi, they immediately manipulate them and lie to them. (Which makes Picard’s little speech about trust pretty hypocritical). He forces them to break their cultural desire not to give visual communications.

Cindee. Hahaha. That’s not a thing in future episodes.

Martha: I mean even if it is a lie, they don’t know that. They claim to know nothing about the Ferengi

Cindee: Touche

Martha: They were happy for Yar to fight to the death to respect a culture last episode! I just found it a bit strange that they lie and manipulate, only back down on the lie when the Ferengi find out they are lying, and then say ‘wooooah don’t you trust us?!’ And then have Riker bang on about the prime directive in the same episode.

Cindee: Well, supposedly the prime directive applies differently to warp-capable species and non-warp-capable species. I always wondered if the people in Code of Honor were warp capable. It’s not clear.

Martha:  Is that to do with the ‘don’t expose them to tech’ idea (from the movie don’t shoot me…)

Cindee: One of those shitty new movies? Unlike SOME people I can handle new movies that I don’t like being created in a favorite franchise without FREAKING OUT

Martha: Oh are you Star Wars shaming me?! ARE YOU?

Cindee: I sure am.

Martha: I found the insertion of ‘earth history that’s not a thing really’ a bit confusing. Maybe I wasn’t listening. We had ‘Yankee traders’ who were like, space pirates with a bit more honour. An Uncle Sam reference and then a random Picard soliloquy on the colours of the French flag…

Cindee: What? I don’t remember ANY of that. So, what’s not a thing? Uncle Sam is a thing and France does have a flag that has colors

Martha: Hahahah! Okay so they described the Ferengis as Yankee traders, which they explain as a sort of space merchant sailor who roamed around space in history looking for stuff to trade (but dodgy trade).  Riker calls them his forbearers. And then someone mentions red white and blue and Picard is all ‘ahhhh, but in France we have it the right way, blue, white, red…’

Cindee: In his British accent?

Martha: Yes, all dreamily to himself. And then Data starts listing other red white and blue flags and RUINS THE MOMENT

Cindee: Fun fact: in Star Trek, all French people have British accents

Martha: Well that’s bizarre.

Cindee: Maybe in the future, you all will conquer France

Martha: It’s on my to do list

Cindee: Apparently though, you’ll let them keep their flag

Martha: On the subject of accents, does the ship have ‘sense oars’ or does Picard just say sensors weirdly..

Cindee: So, that’s not how you say it?

Martha: Well obviously…

Cindee: You’re probably unaware of this, not being an expert like me, but some British people pronounce words differently than other British people

Marth: I agree, and whilst I am no expert, no British person says ‘sensOARS’ with so much emphasis on the second syllable. I’ve checked with them all.  Lastly, I think the only thing I really have to add was them ‘going to have a conference evaluation. Which is basically ‘let’s have a chat in this cupboard’

Cindee: wait wut

Martha: and you call yourself a trekkie… Picard said ‘lets have a conference evaluation’ and all of the characters that had names went into this little side cupboard to discuss what to do!’

Cindee: I mean they have conferences all the time, but not in a cupboard

Martha: Okay it was a tiny room, off the bridge. And considering he took 90% of the people on the bridge it made no sense

Cindee: It wasn’t this room?

Martha: Yes. It just didn’t seem necessary, unless they didn’t want those pesky no name computer guys to hear

Cindee: Well that room is not a cupboard. It’s plenty big.

Martha: But is it necessary.

Cindee: You don’t like to sit down around a table to discuss things at work? You prefer to have all conversations haphazardly wherever you happen to be? I mean Yar doesn’t even have a chair. All the other chairs on the bridge are facing the same direction.

Martha: Okay I see your point. But they didn’t sit down, they just stood around in the not-a-cupboard.

Cindee: I see.

Martha: Troi was useless this episode.

Cindee: Well that’s nothing new. Was Troi able to read their minds? In later episodes they claim Betazoids can’t read Ferengis.

Martha: Well in this episode her sense were blocked entirely by something, either the Ferengis or the force field.  I don’t want more Ferengis.

Cindee: Well, sucks to be you. Like I said, they do change. They become Republicans.

Martha: Less jazz hands, more paying off porn stars?

Cindee: They are republicans in the sense that they are obsessed with capitalism

Martha: Money and naked ladies – checks out