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Flim Flam Man (AKA Hide and Q)

Cindee: So, Q is back

Martha: As a three headed snake bubble. Which is just great!

Cindee: Well, Q can appear as anything.

Martha: As we are made painfully aware of throughout.

Cindee: Wait, did you LIKE this episode?

Martha: No I don’t.

Cindee: Whew, Q episodes, unlike Ferengi episodes, do actually get better… mostly

Martha: So, Q has taken a bit of a shine to Riker, (Let’s face it, who hasn’t), and is going to test him as some sort of elaborate plan not unlike the confusing elaborate plan of the pilot.

Cindee: That about sums it up

Martha: Spoilers – I assumed by the end that Q had upset the rest of the Q’s and was going to be, put in Q jail… I find the Q actor a little creepy.

Cindee: In what way?

Martha: I dunno, wide eyes and creepy smile when he’s in his various disguises.

Cindee: That’s quite the bizarre detail to nitpick at

Martha: I will nitpick at anything I can, and you can’t stop me!

Cindee: I wasn’t trying to stop you, I was nitpicking your nitpicking

Martha: So off they go to game island, I was actually looking forward to what they had planned for the game, Q was described multiple times as ‘creative’ so I was genuinely interested. Turns out the ‘game’ is dressed up ‘animal things’ trying to kill them. Not a game. Not a game AT ALL!

Cindee: What did you expect, Wizard Chess?

Martha: I’d have accepted anything that remotely resembled a game. Not Worf running at the ‘animal things’ (they call them animal things about 4 times) them using their fazers to blow up rocks and animal things.

Cindee: Well, to be fair, there was  penalty box

Martha: THERE WAS NO RULES about the penalty box.

Cindee: Sure there was: one person at a time

Martha: The penalty box lasted 5 minutes. He said ‘penalty over’ yet Yar did not return? No one else went to the penalty box because there was no parameters set for penalty box admission! But, crying IS allowed in the penalty box.

Cindee: Hahah! So, you expected a character we already know to be fairly erratic and arbitrary not to be?

Martha: I wanted there to be some STORY to the episode. Not just ‘oh you guys are gonna get attacked in this game, then I’ll tell Riker I’ve gave him a power, and then he can save you guys because I’ve told him to, and then, more stuff’

Cindee: I don’t know where these expectations came from! What show have you been watching?

Martha: LMAO. I know, what’s wrong with me!? So, Ive accidentally spoiled myself when looking for a FB photo for the blog as I noticed all the cast photos have everyone BUT Yar, so I imagine she’s not long for this world…

Cindee: Maybe she’s just invisible

Martha: But today in ‘who does Yar fancy this episode?’ the answer is *drumroll* PICARD!!!!

Cindee: What makes you think she is into Picard?

Martha: When she’s in the penalty box, she makes it very clear.

Cindee: If you say so . . .

Martha: Okay you’re making me find it!

Cindee: *taps fingers, impatiently*

Martha: PICARD: Don’t worry. There’s a new ship’s standing order on the Bridge. When one is in the penalty box, tears are permitted.

TASHA: Captain. Oh, if you weren’t a captain.

Q: Consorting with lower rank females, Captain? Especially ones in penalty boxes? Destructive to discipline, they say. But then again, you’re what? You’re only human? Penalty over.

Martha: And she makes googly eyes when she says it.

Cindee: Maybe it was non-romantic love

Martha: IN STAR TREK?? NO. Sexy parties, sexy planets, sexy Data. EVERYTHING IS SEXY

Cindee: Ok so anyways…

Martha: So Worf throws himself at the animal things, isn’t very successful at being a warrior. He then jumps at an exploded rock shouting drop your weapons at Riker, again, not a very succesful warrior.

Cindee: Well he’s young. You forgot about Picard spouting Shakespeare!

Martha: Meanwhile Q is on the Enterprise whilst the directors make the most out of the fact that Patrick Stewart did a lot of Shakespeare by making him reads loads of Shakespeare

Martha: I DID NOT!

Cindee: JINX

Martha: Definitely get that free Shakespeare in

Cindee: Yeah, they don’t stop doing that, by the by.

Martha: I’m into it. It’s fine. So, Riker gets Q powers, does some sexy laughing. Saves everyone, has a little chat with Q where Q seems to imply humans will evolve past Q and therefore they want a human to, help them grow?

Cindee: What was sexy about his laughing?

Martha: It’s Riker…. Everything he does is sexy, INCLUDING his sexy ignoring of Picard, his sexy calling him Jean Luc…

Cindee: I see

Martha: So I think the main amazingness of this episode is Riker granting everyone’s wishes.

Cindee: Sure, like a genie

Martha: La Forge’s is fairly standard, sight, and obviously he fancies the pants of Yar. Wesley apparently wanted to be 40 years old and still wearing the same jumper. Poor Wesley, he got killed AND rebuffed from the bridge in the same episode.

Cindee: Ok, I’m not an expert on going from being blind to not being blind, but I don’t think that it would be that simple. How would you know what anything you were looking at was?

Martha: Well, I suppose he has had some vision with all his different visor settings, so this is just a new ‘setting’

Cindee: I guess. Anyways, yes, Riker think Wesley wants to be old, and wear the same shirt.

Martha: Bless Wesley. Everyone’s immediate response to seeing him, even his own mother, is ‘Wesley we’re busy’ ‘Wesley this doesnt concern you’ So, Worf’s greatest wish OBVIOUSLY is a woman he can bang without destroying! However, sex appears to be, fighting??

Cindee: Ok, so there’s a couple things there: first, it is actually fairly well established later on that Worf is not a fan of casual sex

Martha: So, Riker was totally off base thinking he wanted a lady Klingon?

Cindee: Seems that way to me, as for the violence part, yes it is implied that Klingon sex is violent on many occasions.

Martha: In season 3 do they just start again and ignore the first two seasons ‘implications.’

Cindee: Not ENTIRELY…

Martha: Riker also states that Worf has ‘no connection to his people’ WHAT ABOUT THE TARG EH

Cindee: Ok, so yeah, Riker is assuming a lot of shit about Worf

Martha: Also, why dont they speak Klingon when she shows up, instead of just, growling?

Cindee: Like, why does he need a connection to “his people”? Why are “his people” even Klingons? He was raised by humans

Martha: Well he has said a few times that he’s a Klingon, like when he wanted to stay with Picard he said he cannot leave his captain as a Klingon, and Picard is all ‘YOU ARE A STAR FLEET OFFICER!!’ Plus Sash!

Cindee: Yes, I agree that Worf is all into being Klingon. I am just arguing that overall that doesn’t make a lot of sense to me

Martha: Does he speak Klingon? That would maybe explain the growling…

Cindee: He does speak Klingon. Who taught him? I dunno. You’re culturally British cause you were raised there. If you were raised here, you’d be culturally American. You wouldn’t be calling shirts jumpers.

Martha: But I would definitely have a traditionally British pet, like a Shetland pony

Cindee: Well obviously. That’s genetic

Martha: And I’d wear a traditional British garment at all times. Like, one of those bearskin hats. AND WHEN I HAD SEX WITH AMERICAN MEN I WOULD DESTROY THEM

Cindee: See, that’s what I’m saying, it makes no sense.

Martha: When was his background established? Because it’s all over the place right now.

Cindee: I feel like the implication is that in general, your genes or whatever have a much bigger impact on your environment, which I’m not on board with. Worf’s background, you learn bits a pieces here and there. He was raised by humans from a very young age. Eventually you’ll meet his parents. They’re walking stereotypes. There’s other details, but SPOILERS. So, that was all the wishes yeah? He wants to make Pinocchio a real boy but Data says no before he does it, yeah? Or actually, they’re not really wishes, they’re Riker’s assumptions of wishes

Martha: Data refuses the real boy yes haha. We don’t get to find out Yar’s wishes because they’re unsuitable for broadcast. Or Picards. Or Dr Crushers… but again, filth

Cindee: We haven’t found out what anyone wishes, just what Riker thinks they wish, and since Riker is very dumb . . .

Martha: That’s true. So yeah Picard calls out Q as a ‘flim flam man’ Riker apologises to Picard for being an idiot and he feels very silly, Picard replies ‘quite right so you should!’

Cindee: Well, Riker is an idiot. I mean, you’ve seen his thinking face

Martha: Hahahah! I like Riker. I don’t want him to get a beard.

Cindee: I dislike Riker.

Martha: Oh also Riker gets on a chair just fine so clearly that hasn’t started yet. INCONSISTENT

Cindee: Haha, ok, so, Riker’s an idiot, end of episode.

 

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Headache Pokeballs (AKA The Battle)

Martha had the strange idea to watch The Battle and chat with Cindee at the same time. The result was that everything is out of context and makes no sense. So, Cindee copied and pasted information from Memory Alpha so you know what is going on.

Martha: Ooooh the battle!

Cindee: *waits for it*

Martha: OH FUCK OFF FERENGIS

Cindee: yup, there it is

Dr. Crusher comes to see Picard in his quarters, where he complains of feeling fatigued and having a bad headache. She examines him and can find nothing wrong, but tells him to come to sickbay all the same.

Martha: Crusher has solved headaches. And is surprised that Picard has one.

Cindee: Yeah that seems very funny to me. Like, what is solving them exactly? A headache vaccine? Like maybe they have better painkillers, I’d buy that. But headaches just don’t happen?

Picard returns to the bridge and talks with the Ferengi captain, DaiMon Bok over the Enterprise’s viewscreen.

Martha: Daimon?? That’s not an alien name

Cindee: That is a title, like captain

Martha: Oh the Ferengi don’t mind visual contact a mere 3 episodes later

Cindee: I told you, that first episode is wildly inconsistent

Martha: You spelt SEASON wrong. This Ferengi seems a little nicer than the others. And a bit more chill.

Cindee: Or so he would have you believe

Martha: SPOILERS.

Cindee: spoilers? the title of the episode is “the battle.” WTF do you think is going to happen.

Martha: Wesley battles to have someone listen to him?

Picard goes to sickbay where Crusher examines him again, but fails to find any medical reason for his headaches.

Martha: AS SIMPLE AS A HEADACHE. Crusher is having none of it. Oh the days before they knew the NATURE OF PAIN.

Cindee: Well they’ve mapped the brain now. Once you map something, it can’t hurt anymore

Picard returns to the bridge, where Wesley Crusher arrives and tells Geordi La Forge that when he was boosting the range of the long-range sensors, he detected a ship approaching.

Martha: Ooooh rainbow jumper with a fabulous collar and fitted waist

Cindee: Ok, pause

Martha: Paused

Cindee: You need to buy these:

Martha: But why of all his fabulous jumpers is this the one that’s taken off? Is this his uniform now?

Cindee: I’m so sorry to be the one to break it to you, but, the sweaters are done for. UNPAUSE.

Picard is then hit by another headache, before ordering La Forge to zoom in on the approaching starship. It is the Stargazer, which the Ferengi found adrift, and are now giving to Picard. Bok says it will be a gift, free of charge, which his subordinates don’t like.

Martha: oh no, the headaches back. TROI CANNOT BELIEVE IT.

Cindee: Well of course not!

Martha: This headache is very distracting to poor Picard.

Cindee: Well, if you’d never had one before and got one, wouldn’t you think you were dying or something?

Martha: Oh god Troi felt the headache. A GUILT HEADACHE. NOT A THING. Hmmmm, this seems too good to be true.

Cindee: Them giving them the Stargazer?

Martha: Yes. even his mates don’t buy it…

Cindee: What are you talking about? It makes total sense to find a derelict starship that was responsible for the destruction of someone of your people’s ship and then give it back to the owners

Later in the observation lounge, Picard tells the crew about the battle. He then performed what is now known as the Picard Maneuver: he ordered a jump to high warp, making it appear to the Ferengi for a second that the Stargazer was in two places at once.

Martha: Okay Riker seems happier talking about the Picard Manoeuvre than he did on the sexy planet

Cindee: Picard is his hero. Side note, is that a typo or is that really how you spell maneuver?

Martha: Yes that’s how we spell it. IT’S FRENCH. AS FRENCH AS PICARD

Cindee: So . . . not very French?

Martha: How dare you. HE IZ ZE MOST FRENCH!

Cindee: With his British accent. Anyways, they’re on the Stargazer now?

Martha: They are. Picard left nudey mags in his cabin.

Cindee: How dare you

Martha: And a glowy Pokeball. Oh its a headache bomb.

Cindee: I was wondering what you’d call that thing

The return to the ship and sometime later Data shows Riker a personal log that Picard supposedly recorded, claiming that he attacked the Ferengi vessel without provocation and that the Ferengi ship was under a flag of truce.

Martha: Picard LIED?? Or they’ve messed with the records.

Cindee: but which is it?

Martha: This Pokeball is really messing with poor Picard

Cindee: Ok, so what exactly is a Pokeball?

Martha: You catch Pokemon in it. They shrink the Pokemon down and it lives in there

Cindee: So maybe it is the headache Pokemon in that one

Martha: Psyduck

Cindee: What is a Psyduck?

Cindee: Is that the headache Pokemon?

Martha: A Pokemon, and it gives itself headaches with its psychic power

Cindee: Alright then, so that’s what’s going on

Picard is in his quarters when Crusher arrives. He tells her the headache is worsening, and he is worrying about the battle and whether he did the right thing. Crusher gives him a sedative and puts him to bed.

Martha: Crusher is sticking floppy discs to Picard’s head

Cindee: well she needs to monitor his brain or something

Martha: Why has no one asked Wesley how to fix this headache?

Cindee: Just you wait

In Picard’s ready room, Data is informing Riker that the log is a forgery

Martha: Riker is so rude!

Cindee: How so?

Martha: Data tells him that some ‘checksom’ things don’t match in the logs, so Riker asks him what that means, he started to explain and Riker says, I DONT WANT A COMPUTER SCIENCE LESSON.

Cindee: That’s pretty typical

In sickbay, Dr. Crusher is discussing the headaches with Deanna Troi when Wesley enters. He tells her that he noticed the captain’s brain patterns were exactly the same as low intensity transmissions detected coming from the Ferengi ship.

Martha: Fuck off Wesley (says everyone!) From a quick glance I have solved all this.

Cindee: HE’S MOZART MARTHA

Martha: Dr Crusher is off to take all the credit. Oh Picard’s bloody beamed off the ship again.

Cindee: At least he didn’t beam into a cloud this time. Ok, so did the Daimon explain shit yet?

Martha: Yeah sorta. Picard killed his son

Cindee: right, so, basically a Star Trek II: Wrath of Khan ripoff

Martha: KHAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNN

Cindee: Yes. Kirk was indirectly responsible for the death of Khan’s wife.

Martha: I’ve only seen the Hot Spock version

Cindee: Well obviously this is not a rip-off of that one, as it didn’t exist yet

Riker realizes that he is going to use the Picard Maneuver, so he orders Data to come up with a suitable defense.

Martha: There is no defense against the Picard Manoeuvre

Cindee: Riker: “think of one anyways” Data: “oh ok, sure”

Kazago hails, and tells Riker that Bok has been removed from command for his part in this “unprofitable venture”.

Martha: Engaging in an unprofitable adventure

Cindee: I told you, Republicans. What I don’t get is, why do the Ferengi forbid the Pokeballs? They seem like they’d be pretty profitable.

Martha: Okay so that’s a win for Wesley. Oh and they gave up on inertia. Who didn’t listen in tractor beam conservation lecture after all!

Cindee: Also, they are towing that thing as sunlight speed. So its gonna take them centuries to get anywhere with it.

Martha: It’s so worth it though, for the nudey mags.

Cindee: I will not sit idly by while you insult Picard like that!

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P for Picard (AKA Lonely Among Us)

Martha: P FOR PICARD!

Cindee: (no response)

Martha: OMG why are you not there?! I need to get this out quickly. I don’t have Troi to hypnotise me to remember all the things I have forgotten!

Cindee: Hahahahahaha. Ok, so, first thoughts?

Martha: My first overarching thought is ‘this made absolutely zero sense’

Cindee: Ok, true. But that’s your main objection here?

Martha: I mean I suppose as a ‘woke’ millennial (I’m too old to be a millennial) I should be most upset at them condescending and belittling the two random cultures they brought aboard

Cindee: Ok, first of all, you are so a millennial

Martha: IF YOU WANT ME TO SAY IM UPSET WITH SHERLOCK DATA I WONT

Cindee: Second of all, my main objection to Data and his pipe is not the pipe itself, but the fact that A MAN JUST DIED and everyone is all like “hahaha, who cares, Data is funny”

Martha: Oh god yes they barely touch on that

Cindee: THEY NEVER DO. At least usually they wait till the end of the episode for their light-hearted moment though

Martha: But it does explain why in two episodes both the chief engineer and the assistant chief engineer have changed since Naked Now. They’re just dying left right and centre!

Cindee: As much as I’d love to say it’s cause they’re racist, they never give a shit when anyone dies. My husband and I even have a running joke where at the end of the episode where they have their little light-hearted moment we both go “HA HA HA HA HA . . . people died”

Martha: I think he’s the first death. Well, that also extends to their alien counterparts. Yar rushes in to say ‘there’s blood everywhere and we can’t find a passenger’

Cindee: Yeah, I know right?

Martha: And Riker is all ‘CANT THIS WAIT ONE MINUTE PICARD IS BACK!!’

Cindee: They just find out that one of the aliens dying and about to be EATEN and they’re all like WHATEVER. They make this huge deal about how they’re all vegetarians, but oh well, that sentient being is gonna be eaten.

Martha: But Picard is back!!!! You’re just not seeing the bigger picture here Yar!

Cindee: Right, cause his physical form was saved in the pattern buffer. CAUSE THAT’S A THING.

Martha: None of it made any sense. Him beaming out into space. That being fine.

Cindee: And being one with a cloud

Martha: Him writing a P on LaForge’s terminal

Cindee: That’s the part that made the MOST sense

Martha: Him being able to ‘get into the ships circuits’

Cindee: Ok, but let’s rewind here

MarthaL Yeah there’s so much I have no order to my thoughts.

CindeeDid you not notice the part where Troi and Crusher talk to Worf about the memory loss he had, and he says he doesn’t remember having any memory loss?

Martha: Yes! And Troi hypnotises then and says ‘remember back to when you first remember having the feeling of having memory loss’

Cindee: With her fancy device

Martha: REMEMBER WHEN YOU FORGOT? Tell me about that!

Cindee: In the future, hypnosis is a legit thing, cause they perfected the technology.

Martha: Troi was the worst. I bought her ‘duality of man’ argument at first, why she didn’t report her feelings.

Cindee: you DID?

Martha: BUT THEN IMMEDIATELY AFTER IT HAPPENS TO PICARD. And she says NOTHING

Cindee: She kinda gets a look on her face

Martha: A super helpful look. A look of ‘I should probably say something…. but… nah’ But, shout out to Worf’s electrocution acting

Cindee: Ok, so, speaking of which, he was in sensor control and Picard said sensors again

Martha: I didn’t have a problem with any pronunciation of sensors this time. It’s different…

Cindee: I see. Maybe earlier Patrick Stewart had legit never said the word before, and then everyone but Marina Sirtis was like “whatevs, prolly how British people said it” and then Sirtis eventually got around to telling him

Martha: She’s the only sensor they need

Cindee: You do know she’s British, right?

Martha: I did not!

Cindee: She made up some “other” accent that was supposed to be “alien”

Martha: Wesley has the same jumper on as last episode which is upsetting

Cindee: I’m sorry to tell you eventually he just wears the same shirt every day. What did you think of Dr. Crusher’s medical headgear?

Martha: Absolutely perfect! I see medical technology has improved so much

Cindee: To my knowledge, it is the only time she wears that contraption.

Martha: Well are they ever faced with an electrocution again? It seems highly specific

Cindee: Oh, which reminds me, back to our poor friend the assistant chief engineer, I like how no attempt is made to revive him

Martha: No he’s definitely dead

Cindee: Even now we’ve got CPR for that situation

MarthaL Unlike that alien that got poisoned who was dead and Crusher fixes her. And the traveler who she revived despite him being an utter unknown. This guy is definitely dead.

Cindee: Yeah they’re super inconsistent on when they try to revive someone and when they’re just like “nope, dead”

Martha: He was introduced simply to be killed off. He’s a red shirt! (I know that!) Oh also, in the pilot there was a curly haired guy who was on the bridge. He hasn’t been in it for a few episodes, now he’s relegated to ‘alien corridor escort’

Cindee: Oh you mean O’Brien?

Martha: I believe he had an Irish/Scottish accent so, almost certainly yes.

Cindee: Yeah, O’Brien is around for a while, but really struggles with what job he wants apparently. Also, his rank mysteriously changes several times

Martha: Well he’s done a terrible job at escorting the aliens through corridors, because ones being eaten as we speak

Cindee: yeah, well I think that was his only stint as alien escort man

Martha: Okay I’m trying to think of if there’s anything else. Oh! Wesley didn’t save the day but he would have were he given the chance!!!

Cindee: He would have? Oh right, the assistant chief engineer is like “go to class, captain’s orders!”

Martha: And how was he punished? DEATH. Are we certain Wesley didn’t do it?

Cindee: Good point. His revenge for being sent to class?

Martha: This is much darker than anticipated