The Laughing Vulcan and His Dog
The blog where Martha watches an episode of Star Trek and then talks about it with her Trekkie friend Cindee
Martha: Hi. We’ve been incredibly inconsistent with this prime directive stuff so here is an episode where we beat you about the head with it in order to further your understanding
Cindee: hahahahaha. I feel like their answer in this one actually made some sense though? It’s been a while admittedly…
Martha: Yeah, and there was some initial intrigue! I felt the plot was fairly obvious once it got going but it was interesting
Continue reading “Just Say No (AKA Symbiosis)”Martha: OMG GET EXCITED
Cindee: ?
Martha: We have a new chief engineer!
Cindee: Oh lol, yeah.
Martha: I’m sure that’s our fourth hahaha. He didn’t die though! But I’m sure we’ll never see him again
Cindee: Ok, so I take it you watched the Arsenal of Freedom.
Martha: I have indeed! Of all the ’21st century Earth was terrible’ i think sadly the ‘peace through superior firepower’ is the most accurate so far
Cindee: Hahaha, probably true
Martha: But unlike humans who sorted themselves out in time to fix it, because humans rock, this planet has wiped itself out.
Cindee: correct
Martha: Leaving only deadly weapons at every turn
Cindee: And a robot to sell them.
Martha: So Yar decides ‘definitely better get down to that’ What could possibly go wrong. Everything. Everything Yar.
Cindee: Hahaha. So, first things first. I just want to say, for the record: Deanna Troi’s rank is Lt. Commander. She outranks LaForge AND Logan
Martha: yes but… Cindee. SHES SUPER ANNOYING
Cindee: Logan seems pretty annoying, too
Martha ‘As the ship counsellor its my job to interrupt you and say ‘the new guys are nervous we are being SHOT AT BY AN INVISIBLE SUPER AWESOME SHOOTING THING’ no shit Troi. I wont hear a thing about chief engineer no4! He is absolutely the 4th best candidate for the job!
Cindee: Maybe, but she outranks him
Martha: Well Logan outranked LaForge right? 2 dots vs a dot and a half
Cindee: Yes
Martha: But, Picard said Geordi was the boss, soooooo. MAIN CAST CINDEE, why do we even care about anyone else?
Cindee: Troi is the main cast, she’s a Lt. Commander
Martha Okay LaForge is trained in command, military AND navigation and engineering
Cindee: Troi went to Starfleet academy
Martha: Troi is good at ‘ooooh I feel that maybe were gonna get shot at’
Cindee: I don’t know that I agree that LaForge is trained in military
Martha: He’s RED CINDEE, navigation and command and fighting…
Cindee: Navigation and command, fighting is yellow.
Martha: Haha Riker fights!
Cindee: But it isn’t his job, he just does it on the side
Martha: Honestly i feel the colours are very blurred, you said Geordi is a super good engineer too.
Cindee: yeah they get more clear next season
Martha: Geordi is multifaceted, whereas Troi doesn’t even have a colour
Cindee: Well she’s SUPPOSED to be wearing blue.
Martha: She gave up her right to be the boss of the ship when she didn’t wear her uniform and 2 and a half pips, plus clearly Picard likes La Forge, he’s left him in charge twice now. PLUS HE UNDERSTANDS HIM NOW. He’s seen through his eyes….
Cindee: lolololol ok, so Picard erroneously leaves LaForge in charge and beams down and falls in a hole with Crusher
Martha: Wooooah wait a minute. Riker meets a guy called Rice(r) and has some fantastic bants
Cindee: about the good ship lollipop
Martha: Like I dont know where ‘yo momma’ jokes started But I’d like to think it was with Riker… Rice is all ‘who sent you’ and Riker replies ‘YOUR MOMMA’
Cindee: I don’t think that those are related…
Martha: (I think he technically says your mother but Im calling it regardless) but yes, the good old Lollipop is indeed a good ship. That was some pretty snazzy alien tech to be fair. Shame they couldn’t actually buy some…
Cindee: Yeah so Yar keeps outsmarting them or whatever
Martha: She fires her fazer and it works ONCE. Data does most of the smartsing
Cindee: Meanwhile, Picard and Crusher fall in a hole
Martha: Why are you so obsessed with this hole! I’m just glad Picard didn’t ‘omg fall on top of the lady’
Cindee: Also, if those things are so fancy, why can’t they fucking aim,
they’re worse than storm troopers!
Martha: And they dont even have that genuine war syndrome thing to blame…
Cindee: Oh and the hole, I just think it is a stupid plot point to fall in a hole
Martha: Well of course it is, and Crusher somehow manages to fall UNDER some pretty heavy sand…
Cindee: I know, how did that occur exactly? I’m no physicist, but . . .
Martha: We’re supposed to think it fell with her from the walls or the top I guess
Cindee: Ok, fine
Martha: But Picard, being a manly man, was not so afflicted by this sand so we get treated to Picard’s bedside manner STAY AWAKE. THATS AN ORDER
Cindee: so Crusher is covered in sand and tells Picard how to do basic first aid, which one would think he’d know…
Martha: Erm no. Basic first aid has been cured. Nobody needs it anymore
Cindee: Meanwhile, she uses her knowledge of roots from ANOTHER PLANET to identify one on this one that could be useful
Martha: ALL YELLOW PLANTS ARE FINE
Cindee: And Picard tastes it and it’s yellow so naturally…
Martha: How dare you question her Grandmother’s knowledge. So we now know Crusher once lived on some planet where I guess everyone died… except Crusher and her grandma…
Cindee: They all did, they all have some horrible tragic past.
Martha: I’m still waiting on La Forge’s. And Riker’s. And Picard’s! I cant wait to learn of their emotional turmoil
Cindee: ha, well, I’d tell ya, but SPOILERS
Martha: oh, guess what happens when they fall down the hole… It’s a literal RIP to the lab cardigan
Cindee: Lab coat
Martha: I thought we agreed on lab cardigan
Cindee: You agreed on lab cardigan… its not like she can’t get another one
Martha: Im sure Troi has a massive fucking unused stash she can have ‘these are all brand new in the packet’
Cindee: What on earth are you talking about? She can just replicate a new one
Martha: They havent used the replicators yet! I dont think anyway…
Cindee: Huh? Interesting
Martha: If something like fizzles into view is that the replicator? cos the Klingons got themselves some food like that.
Cindee: Yes
Martha: Okay the Klingons replicated food then. They knew how it worked. Maybe Worf told them after the yelling…but I’m not aware of it being made a point of yet.
Cindee: Well, the odd thing is, different aliens all seem capable of using each others technology without instruction all the time
Martha: Well, I do not know the technology. I am but a primitive alien
Cindee: What you can and cannot replicate seems to change for the convenience of the plot
Martha: Well thats fair enough haha. Anyway, I think its a good job Geordi is left in charge because Geordi is the only person who remembers the ship separates.
Cindee: Well that’s true.
Martha: AND he knows that theres always time for a log!
Cindee: seriously, they almost never separate it and they almost always should! Well ya gotta have logs
Martha: Picard knows no one else will bother with a log whilst they’re being shot at by an invisible massively powerful alien and all their shields are down and most of the senior staff are stuck on a planet where they cant beam off being shot at by similar powerful things…
WELL would YOU separate if you got the reception La Forge got? I left you this ship in one piece! FIX IT FIX IT FIX IT! HOW ABOUT A WELL DONE PICARD??
Cindee: Wait, what?
Martha: How about a pat on the back? When he comes back Picard is all ‘when I left this ship was in one piece, sort it out’
Cindee: oh well he was joking!
Martha: and its his ‘hahaha’ way with Riker which has absolutely no humour to it half the time. He is rubbish at joking!
Cindee: Well he is still learning
Martha: he is getting there. if he wasn’t as aggressive the rest of the time I could take his jokes as jokes haha. Oh I forgot about Data rescuing them from the convenient hole. Oh, also, contrary to popular believe (very) white men CAN jump (down holes…)
Cindee: That’s the title of a movie, not a popular belief
Martha: I take all my beliefs from Woody Harrelson movies. Twinkies are gods gift to food, and, other stuff.
Cindee: you are now making pop culture references I do not understand
Martha In Zombieland he’s obsessed with finding a twinkie as they are the only food which can survive an apocalypse, or something…
Cindee: Also, can’t believe you didn’t complain about the lack of Wesley..
Martha: Hahah after ‘Coming of Age’ I’m due for a break….
Cindee: So, some Klingons show up, and they’re not fans of the treaty
Martha: Can we go back a second, What is the neutral zone? And why can’t anyone go in it?
Cindee: Well it’s a bit weird, cause in TOS the neutral zone is an area of space between the Klingon Empire and Federation. In TNG its the same thing, but with the Romulans
Martha: I could understand no battle ships. But this was a freight ship?
Cindee: No one can go in the neutral zone. NO ONE
Martha: Okay
Cindee: I mean, in theory
Martha: So yes, they go aboard and find Klingons.I have many issues with this episode. Mostly with your friend Picard.
Cindee: Well he’s not my friend yet
Martha
Martha: Hahaha, So Geordie has a way to transmit his vision to the bridge.
Cindee: ooooh right, that was a thing in this episode, and then they never spoke of it again
Martha: and now Picard can FINALLY UNDERSTAND HIM. Because you can’t understand someone unless you know how they see things visually.
Cindee: Correct, that’s why Tony doesn’t understand me, he has perfect vision, I wear glasses. Eventually, it’ll lead to divorce.
Martha: And what’s that red human shaped thing?!
Cindee: Riker
Martha: Oh… Riker.. Come on Picard!
Cindee: So yeah, pretty ableist
Martha: It just was weirdly worded They could have been like ‘oh so this is what you can see! The strength of the metal, the heat signals, cool!’
Not ‘now I know who he is… I had no idea before!’
Cindee: It’s like when they have kids use a wheelchair or blindfold themselves or whatever and then think they understand what it is like to be disabled.
Martha: Hahahahaha yeah basically
Cindee: No you don’t, you don’t know how to operate a damn wheelchair, so of course its superweird for you…
Martha: Yes it was very silly
Cindee: Yes, and then they never spoke of it again…
Martha: Well the signal got overloaded. Forever… OH, We have another fantastic ask of Data from Riker.
Cindee: which is?
Martha:
Riker: How do we get to the engine room?
Data: There are several paths to the engine room, all of which are equally dangerous
Riker: Well which is the least dangerous?!’
RIKER DO YOU NOT KNOW WHAT EQUALLY MEANS!
Cindee: Lol, I have tried to explain to you that he’s not that bright
Martha: Hahaha he really isn’t!
Cindee: Did he have his thinking face?
Riker: No he was mad. He was mad because he was sick of Picard being all
‘Look at Data!’
‘Look at some fire!’
‘Look at Riker!!’
Treating poor Geordi like an eye puppet
Cindee: Wait, Riker is mad at ableism and so asked Data a stupid question later?
Martha: No he didn’t have a thinking face cos he was too annoyed for it…
Cindee: There is this one episode where for medical reasons, Riker is having trouble concentrating. aAnyways I am like HOW IS THIS DIFFERENT THAN NORMAL. Like theres like a whole minute of him just making lots of thinking faces and looking confused
Martha: That. Sounds.Amazing. Im sure it won’t be… Anyway, so we find some
Klingons, and beam them back. WITH SOME ADDED PERIL OF AN EXPLOSION. But somehow they beam fine
Cindee: Saved by the transporter, as always. Transporters are fucking magical,
Martha: Sooooo the Klingons are here, and just like Datalore we now distrust Worf!
Cindee: Lmao, yeah, it is funny cause they act like people will be loyal to their “kind” over their actual socialization
Martha: Like seriously. I hope some dodgy French people don’t come aboard cos now we won’t trust Picard!
Cindee: It’s really actually racist, if you think about it. it assumes people’s intentions, behavior, etc are like built into their genes or something.
Martha. It’s just very odd and it makes you think that they’re not really good friends and teammates!!
Cindee: But you know, humans are Americans, and it was only 70 years ago we were like “lets distrust these Japanese American citizens!!!”
Martha: Hurray for Joseph McCarthy!
Cindee: um, I don’t think that was McCarthy. McCarthy was the communist witch hunt guy
Martha: I thought it came about after his red scare stuff as well
Cindee: No, it was during WWII. Red scare was after WWII. the point is, racism. Worf is in Starfleet, but we can’t trust him cause genes.
Martha: Or Data, cos circuits…
Cindee: Lmao, yes anyways, so the Klingons are on board
Martha: But to be fair Worf does get quite into these Klingons, he even does a lovely yell when one dies.
Cindee: Well, that doesn’t really bother me, people have death rituals
Martha: No it just felt he was copying them a bit
Cindee: Did he only start after they did?
Martha: Yes
Cindee: Ok
Martha. As with Lore in Datalore, the Klingons are given remarkable freedom on the ship, until we speak to big boss Klingon and we find out that actually these are rebels.
Cindee: Well, there’s a treaty. They’re allies
Martha: Well they don’t fully trust them as the damage to the ship is from Klingon weapons. (On a Ferengi ship… hmmm ok)
Cindee: Aaaaaand?
Martha: THEY KILL 2 PEOPLE
Cindee: When they were on the freighter?
Martha: No the Klingons killed two security people
Cindee: I forgot about that, and doesn’t Worf kinda defend them?
Martha: He acts incredibly neutral to them. Like, too neutral really considering. A mother and child come out of a lift and Yar says GO BACK! And then the Klingon picks a kid up, Yar calls in a hostage situation. The Klingon gives the kid to Worf and Worf puts her down AND THE MOTHER AND CHILD SQUEEZE PAST THE KLINGONS AND CONTINUE THEIR JOURNEY
Cindee: Lmao
Martha: No go back in the fucking lift!!!
Cindee: There’s a treaty! There’s nothing to fear!
Martha: And then Worf is all ‘it’s weak to take hostages, Klingons don’t do that’ But then the Klingons give up
Cindee: Are you sure he didn’t say it was dishonorable, thats what he calls most things.
Martha: And then Worf is all don’t kill them, let them free on a planet with massive fuck off monsters so they can fight to the death.
Cindee: Right, to die an honorable death.
Martha: Yes, And I’m pretty sure the boss is like ‘nope’
Cindee: If a Klingon doesn’t die in battle, they don’t go to Klingon heaven
Martha: If Klingons go to Klingon heaven…why do they scream to warn the others of a warrior incoming? If they’re all warriors…
Cindee: Cause, warriors are scary
Martha: Not if you’re a warrior too…
Martha: Erm so anyway Klingon boss is all ‘after you’re done being a SF Officer come join me’ And Worf is all like ‘I am honoured’
Cindee: Worf likes honor
Martha: And then Picard and Riker and everyone just stare at him, like him joining the Klingons would be a FUCKING TRAVESTY
Cindee: And he was like j/k.
Martha: hahahahaha, he was so like j/k.
Martha: Better luck next time, Wesley! That girl he was up against was basically you. Calling him obnoxious.
Cindee: Nah, if it was me, I’d have won
Martha: Yeah she sucked. All her smack talk was for nothing. She never even completed one round that we saw!!
Cindee: Well, girls can’t do math
Martha: I’m not sure why the kid at the start (who ran away terribly) thought he had a chance of getting in. The Aldeans didn’t even think you were special! Also, something vague is wrong with the enterprise!
Cindee: Yeah, let’s set that part aside for the moment. They are setting up another episode.
Martha: Riker has began his long love affair with the chair vault.
Cindee: Oh is this where it started?
Martha: Yes I think so. I’ve been keeping an eye out and he hasn’t so far!
Cindee: Interesting!
Martha: Anyway, Wesley threatens a massive guy with violence! I would imagine that would not end well for him.
Cindee: That is actually my most favorite part of the episode. This entire species has the same feelings about “curtesy.” Which is comical to me, because generally people think the behavior of their culture is curtesy and that others are violating it, when really they’re just following their own norms. But apparently this entire fucking species apparently has the same cultural norms!
Martha: Yeah. You’d assume there would be a general star fleet code though. Clearly based on superior humans.
Cindee: Well it always is. In case you haven’t picked up on it, humans = Americans
Martha: Also often Worf is told that his star fleet loyalties come before his Klingon culture
Cindee: Yes but Troi is not told that about her Betazoid culture
Martha: UH DUH COS ITS HELPFUL. Things only matter cos they’re helpful to humans…
Cindee: Like Americans!
Martha: So why does this guy get to be a dick? Though I guess we could pass it off as ‘it was alllll a test’
Cindee: Like I said, it is setting up another, worse episode
Martha: Which bit is a setup, the investigation?
Cindee: Yes
Martha: I feel like the lower ranked guy gets a bad deal. He is made to interrogate everyone on the paranoia of the admiral. Everyone hates him. Picard may as well have said ‘YOU WISH WHAT’ with his eye roll when he said he’d really like a job in the Enterprise. So his career prospects are tanked cos of some guy, who Picard still likes! I feel we as the audience are supposed to be like ‘you’ll never join our enterprise!!!’ But really that’s guys done nothing wrong!
Cindee: Cause he was following orders
Martha: Oh don’t Picard quote me. Don’t you dare.
Cindee:
Martha: Well, the list of Enterprise fuck ups and deaths speaks for itself!
Cindee: Anyways, Wesley is scared of his psychological exam, and Worf gives him a pep talk
Martha: Hahaha in the holodeck of all places
Cindee: Did the safety protocols go offline?
Martha: They didn’t but they never actually switched it on. Wesley was just hanging in the checkered room.
Cindee: That’s quite odd. And Worf just happens upon him? “Hmmmm, I’ll just wander into this holodeck to see if anyone is loitering in it”
Martha: I think Worf comes in for some RnR/ death wish action and is all ‘hullo Wesley!’
Cindee: Worf tells Wesley not to worry. Wesley does his thing and it’s about his dad of course
Martha: Soooooo. Did Picard not drag his dad through steam?! Did Picard leave his dad clinging to a pipe?
Cindee: Picard had to choose between two people
Martha: And because he fancied Dr. Crusher, he let her husband die?
Cindee: Sigh. Jack was his best friend!
Martha: So why did he let him die Cindee?
Cindee: that is never really explained
Martha: So you don’t know for sure that I’m wrong…
Cindee: Oh FFS. Next you’re gonna start spouting your theory that Picard is Wesley’s dad
Martha: He loves Wesley. It’s so obvious.
Cindee: He’s more like an uncle.
Martha: So anyways, Wesley follows Worf’s advice, and then doesn’t get into starfleet. So it’s Worf’s fault
Cindee: No, Wesley succeeds at the psych exam. its later that he loses.
Martha: It’s not really explained how. Blue guy is just better generally. And both girls sucked, obviously.
Cindee: Well yes, girls are bad at math. They probably don’t learn calculus until they’re 12 or something. Anyways, you should be glad, now he’ll stick around.
Martha: So it’s all good. And no one died! Wesley doesn’t get into Starfleet at age 16 or whatever.
Cindee Anyways, didn’t you kinda know he’d fail? Since, then he’d be gone? Off at the academy?
Martha: I didn’t know the nature of the training. Is it a literal ‘off to college you go’ school?
Cindee: Yes. 4 years, in San Fransisco.
Martha: What?! Noooo this cannot do. How long would it take to get back to Earth from where
Cindee: Not that long, they go back to Earth frequently
Martha: Ah okay.
Cindee: And in the meantime investigaty guy found nothing
Martha: Picard gives up a job in an episode set up which makes no sense to anyone who doesn’t know that. We just get a lot of people saying how marvelous Picard is!
Cindee: Which he isn’t . . . yet
Martha: Okay so there are apparently 7 children on the Enterprise?
Cindee: They very clearly stated that they took the most special ones
Martha: No way is that little ginger kid special
Cindee: Don’t tell me you’re one of those
Martha: What’s one of those?!
Cindee: People who don’t like red headed people
Martha: Haha my mum is ginger! So the answer to your question is yes. No that child is just annoying and clearly hates her parents!
Cindee: Says the women who just said she doesn’t like her mom
Martha: I don’t just run off with other random women Cindee!
Cindee: She didn’t run off, she was beamed off
Martha: Hahaha! She was well into it until Wesley was all ‘FFS we’re on hunger strike!’
Cindee: They kinda all were, except Wesley. The kid with the mind reading sculpting thing was pretty happy
Martha: Yeah Harry wasn’t interested in leaving really. Cos FUCK CALCULUS.
Cindee: Yeah they teach calculus at 10 apparently
Martha: Although his art dad is a liar. ‘Do I have to do calculus?’ ‘No…. what’s calculus’ HOW DO YOU KNOW HE DOESN’T HAVE TO DO IT THEN?
Cindee: Ok, I can’t believe we’re not first discussing the notion that they teach calculus at 10 in the future
Martha: I’m not smart enough to know what calculus is. Is it super fancy maths?
Cindee: It is a kind of math, yes. In the U.S. it is generally taken in late high school or in college.
Martha: They just unsterilised a whole bunch of people. Calculus is the least of my worries!
Cindee: I know it is a throwaway scene but I think it is a really telling reflection of American notions of education. I mean, people are always saying this silly fact here that “we only use 10% of our brain” What on earth does that mean? And how do they know it? And we have this notion here that we are “losing” at education and the answer is to teach our kids more and faster. Then we take away things like recess and stuff, and for what?
Martha: Erm we mapped the brain Cindee. And only like 10% had stuff on. Okay so let’s go back to the beginning as I have many issues. Firstly, Crusher kicks off when the people beam aboard because they haven’t been through decontamination.
Cindee: Yes
Martha: When has ANYONE been through decontamination before?
Cindee: The transporter does it when it beams people. It’s a well-established fact.
Martha: And they’re sterile . . . seriously how does restoring the ozone layer make them fertile again?! THATS NOT A THING
Cindee: They don’t just restore the ozone, they do some medical treatments, too
Martha: ‘And we know they’ll be great parents because they kidnapped ours and made a dolphin’
Cindee: I can’t believe you’re not noticing the fact that the show claimed that in the 21st century, there was an infertility epidemic on earth!
Martha: Well to be fair she just said that the ozone layer was failing…
Cindee: And that it caused the infertility!
Martha: Well maybe they thought it was going to… Making us all pale….And photosensitive
Cindee: Star Trek has a nice long history of wildly predicting all sorts of things in the near future. Like, TOS claimed in the 1990s there were be some Eugenics Wars where genetically engineered people were all like “woah we’re superior” and tried to take over and then in DS9, even though that clearly never happened, they still act like it did! Personally, I’m looking forward to 2024, we’re gonna solve inequality then.
Martha: But anyway, Riker has been the most suspicious man ever on all occasions apart from this one time when he needed to be suspicious. And Wesley has a new skill: sleight of hand!
Cindee: well apparently he and his mom have a magic routine they’ve been practicing
Martha: That explains it!
Cindee: Ok, so let’s recap for our reader. We’re all over the place here.
Martha: How dare you
Cindee: Picard summons Riker to the bridge cause in the couple of months he’s known him, he has learned Riker is obsessed with some stupid story. Riker tells the story, and then it becomes real!
Martha: And he’s not suspicious even though he’s always suspicious. Troi is suspicious. But no one cares.
Cindee: Other than the apples in the pilot, when else his Riker been suspicious?
Martha: He was suspicious about the space station
Cindee: That’s the same episode!
Martha: No the one with evil Picard!
Cindee: Oh fine. Anyways, so yes, Troi has some oddly specific read on these people
Martha: INCREDIBLY SPECIFIC!
Cindee: “they want something that we will not want to give them!”
Martha: ALSO! She says she feels hundreds (thousands?) of minds. When they can’t see the planet
Cindee: So?
Martha: There’s 9, Troi.
Cindee: That we see
Martha: He says there are few left. And the fish are dead, Cindee. And the dolphins are all wooden.
Cindee: I don’t think he literally meant a few
Martha: I don’t think 7 children are sufficient to placate thousands of people. Or restart a species.
Cindee: I dunno, Adam and Eve’s sons did it somehow
Martha: Biblical incest
Cindee: Ok, well this will be non-biblical incest
Martha: This episode had no sex. Yet here we are…
Cindee: Well, that’s on you. ANYWAYS, the people beam aboard with a giant cornucopia.
Martha: Much to Crusher’s fury. Crusher is upset they haven’t been decontaminated.
Cindee: They leave on account of the bright lights
Martha: Like gremlins
Cindee: And then beam down Riker, Troi, and Crusher and Picard is like INTERESTING CHOICES. WTF does that mean Picard?
Martha: WOMEN
Cindee: Yeah . . .
MarthaL Clearly they enjoyed Crusher’s cardigan. With her big pockets.
Cindee: It’s a lab coat. She’s a doctor.
Martha: It’s a cardigan
Cindee: Lab coat
Martha: Lab cardigan
Cindee: Meanwhile, on the planet we learn that other species don’t give a shit about their kids
Martha: You take that back! That ginger kid is adored! Wesley gets level 3 clearance to… something and stuff and things! Wooden dolphin! Mind music! And I’m sure the other 3 no one cared about did stuff!
Cindee: No, I mean how Troi is like “humans are unusually attached to their children”
Martha: Oh indeed!! Fucking weird humans.
Cindee: I don’t remember what happened next, just that later they swipe the kids
Martha: Basically they’re all ‘oh clearly you won’t give them up, whatever’ and nick them
Cindee: And that the custodian predicted Wesley would be the leader
Martha: Well he got that right
Cindee: NO SHIT SHERLOCK HE’S THE OLDEST
Martha: Imagine if little Alexandra was the boss. With her fluffy toy.
Cindee: They’d have never left. They’d all just be playing hide and seek still. So, the kids are bizarrely not that upset and they all get their mind reading art tools.
Martha: Well as Crusher says, they knew what they signed up for. Clearly the children were told that ‘hey, you might get kidnapped.’
Cindee: And the children signed terms of service agreement. But they were like the iTunes agreement, no one read them!
Martha: I promise not to sue star fleet:
A) if we’re kidnapped
B ) if the holodeck kills us
C ) if we are mentally scarred by being forced to do RnR on a sex planet
D) if we trust the wrong Data and get eaten by a crystal entity
E) if a space jellyfish stings us
F) if our hope is crushed by a terrible hug from Picard
Cindee: Yeah, that whole “Picard is afraid of kids” thing is back. This time Riker’s not there to protect him.
Martha: YOU HAD ONE JOB RIKER
Cindee: Then Crusher and Crusher do their magic routine.
Martha: I thought this planet was super advanced. How did she not see that? How didn’t they realise she had tech in her massive lab cardigan pockets?
Cindee: Because Martha, they’re all dumb from being dependent on their computer! They only things they can do are operate mind-reading art tools!
Martha: That was a big missed opportunity plot wise too. They knew nothing about the computer. We know nothing about the computer other than the shield it made affected the ozone layer. And I guess they’re gonna have to switch it off?
Cindee: So they fling the Enterprise away, and meanwhile Wesley fancies himself to be Ghandi
Martha: And does nothing except find the kids
Cindee: Yes and teach them about passive resistance. The Enterprise returns and the old guy asks Picard to make the kids eat
Martha: Like this place is too soft. If you really want the kids fling the enterprise off properly
Cindee: Meanwhile, Riker and Data are sneaking about on a hostile planet, and don’t have their phasers. Riker doesn’t even bring his own tricorder!
Martha: ERM HE HAS NO POCKETS.
Cindee: Data gives up real fast on breaking into the computer and “scrambles” it instead, whatever that means
Martha: Which could have been handy if Wesley could have used his access to save them. But no. No plot for you!
Cindee: True. He tells Picard he understands the computer and Picard is like “that’s nice”
Martha: It ended up very similar to sexy planet, with them just beaming them off. Instead of a god it was a shield
Cindee: There was no speech. Also, they hung around and helped them with their problems, cause humans are better than other species
Martha: Data needs to remember what Picard told him: everything is impossible, until it is not…
Cindee: Do not question a Picardism, Martha
Martha: Well it’s fine if he lived by it himself. It’s only Data who has to solve impossible century old problems on a daily basis
Cindee: like the Picard maneuver?
Martha: Yes It’s impossible to get through this shield! Only cos you haven’t bothered to find a way yet Data!
Cindee: Anyways, in a terrifying ending, Picard has to be hugged by a child. And everyone laughs, which is stupid, but at least not insulting to anyone’s memory.
Martha: Yeah no one actually died!
Martha: Does this count as a holodeck episode?
Cindee: Not to me. The holodeck is involved, but it’s not the plot.
Martha: I disliked Riker this episode, honestly I didnt enjoy this episode all that much…
Cindee: I didn’t say you would!
Martha: Although i would like a “personal relaxation light” if you know what I mean…. seriously, what does it mean?
Cindee: Um. Wut.
Martha: You’re too busy looking at the bigger existential picture Cindee!!
Cindee: That is usually true
Martha: When they get to the big space station thats what Picard says he wants to do, put on his personal relaxation light and read a novel.
Cindee: I see
Martha: Worf and Yar are off playing ‘parrises squares’. I imagine many people are dead as Worf is taking it very seriously.
Cindee: Yeah why does Riker wander about the ship and see all the supporting characters before the main action? Perhaps so the actors don’t feel left out.
Martha: Hahahah! Yes Riker absolutely does go on a random wander just to check everyone has a job. Data is painting. Crusher is solving a disease. Troi doesn’t fucking exist.
Cindee: Yeah Data is always making paintings, I’m not sure what is up with that.
Martha: So Riker can make ‘hilarious’ quips about the blind man teaching the android to paint!
Cindee: Oh wow that’s nice and ableist. As for parrises squares, they always talk about it but never explain how it is played. Like they talk about it in all three series. Apparently it is really dangerous, though. Anyway my ride is here, I have to go…
Martha: Thats fine. I will just stew over Riker’s paint by numbers hot chick.
*interlude of solace and despair whilst Martha contemplates why she is doing this, and if Cindee will ever return*
Cindee: Where were we…
Martha: Okay! Let me get my notes!
Cindee: You took NOTES?
Martha: I take notes every episode. Otherwise I forget the good quotes SUCH AS ‘What’s a knockout like you doing in a computer generated gin bar like this?’
Cindee: What are you talking about, that’s a great pickup line. That’s how my husband and I met. He said that to me.
Martha: I hope he was leaning against something at the time
Cindee: Well, like Riker, he is a tall man.
Martha: Do we find it creepy that Riker had the holodeck rustle up his perfect physical woman?
Cindee: I find it creepy whenever a character has some sort of romance with a holodeck character
Martha: And then Picard walks in! It’s the equivalent of walking in on someone with a sex doll… but its totally normal! Yeah it’s super creepy especially as she knows exactly what she is too (unlike, I assume, the other holodeck characters?)
Cindee: Yeah most don’t, usually when they figure it out, we’ve got a damn holodeck episode on our hands.
Martha: Also I can really do without Riker playing the trombone. This is why it felt like a holodeck episode to me as it was fully of stupid holodeck stuff alongside the real world plot.
CIndee: Well. I’ve got some REALLY bad news for you. It’s one of his main character traits. There’s this one episode where Crusher is describing everyone, and that’s like the first thing she says about him.
Martha: Seriously?! The TROMBONE urgh. Okay I’m out Cindee. I WAS PROMISED SPACE ADVENTURE. BOLDY GOING WHERE NO MAN HAS GONE BEFORE. Not fucking trombones!!!
Cindee: Do you have something against trombones in particular, characters have to have personality traits for Crusher to explain in that episode.
Martha: Riker has this slightly creepy smiley eye thing, and whilst blowing a trombone his sexy eyes at the lady was just… I can’t!
Cindee: I keep telling you Martha, that’s how my husband and I met. STOP JUDGING US
Martha: So, potentially one of the worst almost disasters to happen to the ship so far, and where is Picard and his number one? ARSING ABOUT ON THE HOLODECK
Cindee: well, yes.
Martha: Typical. Like they’re upgrading the ship, they should not be on the ship, I don’t care if Riker is testing out the ‘upgrades’ get off the damn Enterprise!
Cindee: Well the bynars had it covered
Martha: I didnt mind that bit. They were okay. I don’t quite understand how Picard and Riker managed to download the planet back to the planet merely by looking at it, but that’s the least of my worries…
Cindee: Yeah I kinda like the Bynars themselves
Martha: Yeah they made sense overall. Plus they had snazzy information bum bags And who doesn’t love a bum bag?
Cindee: Is that a Britishism? Bum bag?
Martha: Hahaha yes. You call it a fanny pack. But a fanny is a vagina here. So we don’t call it that.
Cindee: oh wow. ok. This information will come in handy when I next visit England.
Martha: Hahah. Yes So yes we don’t mind the Bynars. I hope they don’t get in too much trouble from evil twin Picard.
Cindee: Evil twin Picard?
Martha: Yeah, the other bald captain who is like Picard’s evil twin because he has a beard. He also has a fancy name but I didn’t write it in my notes
Cindee: Dude. you’re thinking of TOS.
Martha: I am not I haven’t even seen it haha
Cindee: Where did you see this evil Picard?
Martha: ITS LIKE A GODDAMN MIRROR
Cndee: Welp. I forgot about THAT. Fun fact: as established by the mirror universe Spock, in Star Trek, goatee = EVIL
Martha: See he’s evil Picard!
Cindee: Right that’s why at first I was like “is she thinking of TOS or what?” What is the point of that guy?
Martha: He’s just there to like, tell them a bit about the Bynars, and also tell Data and Yar there are no more ships to go help the Enterprise.
Cindee: Wait and Data and Yar don’t notice the damn goatee?
Martha: Well they can’t start distrusting Riker in 10 or so episodes. Plot twist, that’s evil Riker…
Cindee: No, he has a full board, not a goatee
Martha: Hahaha okay! Wesley kiiiinda saves the day. Well he tries. Turns out it’s all a false alarm anyway
Cindee: Right, cause they just want to borrow the ship to download their computer files. The Enterprise is thus a flying flash drive
Martha: It’s the only half decent ship in the galaxy. Despite them having problems with the holodeck…. you don’t say Picard!! I continue to like Data. He was good this episode, evacuated everyone, felt super guilty about everything. I like him
Cindee: Well they aren’t downloading their planet into the holodeck
Martha: Because the holodeck is simply a sexy distraction!
Cindee: No, its a death trap
Martha: Why don’t they just board it up after like, the second death. And be like just watch a fucking movie okay?!
Cindee: They never learn…
Martha: The historian is dead (RIP) Wesley unleashed a snowball virus. Riker has ghonnorhea…
Cindee: They keep using them and things keep going wrong all the way through Voyager, Seriously, someone get on those safety protocols or the Russians are going to hack them so easily.
Martha: So yeah, I wish they had concentrated more on the Bynars. Perhaps more info about them and their planet and the space station they docked at. And none of this sexy holodeck jazz brotherly nonsense
Cindee: brotherly?
Martha: Brothel. My phone keeps changing brothel to brother. That’s not good.
Cindee: Yes, you probably frequently talk about brothels, so this will be a serious problem in the future… Anyway at the end, doesn’t Riker go back to the holodeck and now she’s no good?
Martha: Hahaha oh god yeah! Like I don’t get that, was Minuet like temporary? Why? How would that be a thing? And he tried ALL THE WOMEN but none were the same haha.
Cindee: I think the implication was that the Bynars had magically make the holodeck better, and now that they were gone it wasn’t again, which, why they’d take that away, I dunno.
Martha: Maybe because Riker was grossing them out. If I was Minuet I’d hot foot it out of the holodeck. Yeah like so she was a response to what he wanted whereas the holodeck normally just had pre programmed ‘characters’
Cindee: So, the holodeck read his damn mind?
Martha: Well he does say at some point she was saying exactly what he wanted her too. And Picard was saying how well she responded to… input. Poor Troi. No wonder she wasn’t in this episode!
Cindee: I sometimes wonder where Troi is when it would be handy for someone to be able to read people’s emotions… oh yeah doesn’t she talk in French to him?
Martha: Hahah yes she talks French to Picard…And Rikers all ‘hands off!!’ Haha
Cindee: Does HE say anything in french to indicate he is French, otherwise, why not just talk in a British accent.
Martha: No, she starts it from his name when he is introduced
Cindee: Oh, I see
Martha: But the holodeck isn’t healthy. No one will ever live up to Rikers perfect woman he created.
Cindee: I dunno, he seems to find other women to love
Martha: He’s a tart.
Cindee: A tart? Like, a pop tart?
Martha: Yes. A sexy pop tart.
Prologue
Martha: Can you die in the holodeck?
Cindee: in theory, no. There are these things called “safety protocols” that are supposed to prevent bad things from happening
Martha: Like bullets don’t do anything, for example
Cindee: In theory
Martha: So, if the safety protocols break the hologram bullets become ACTUAL BULLETS
Cindee: That’s basically the plot of every fucking holodeck episode
Martha: WHO IS IN CHARGE?!
Cindee: Of what?
Martha: Like recently they said, when the ship started failing, that a ship this new couldn’t possibly be failing. So, who is in charge of maintaining the holodeck?!
Cindee: The engineering staff
Martha: Well, if they didn’t switch them out every so often maybe someone could get experience, and do their job properly!
Cindee: I mean, every time it happens, they act surprised. Also, they get fucking locked in the holodeck somehow, obviously
Martha: This is just simple poor maintenance. Also, how is detective noir necessary for space training?
Cindee: The holodeck is for recreation, not training. They go there to unwind, but then something goes terribly wrong, including the damn safety protocols
Martha: How does anyone get locked in anywhere
Cindee: They have some damn contrived reason every time, the reasons vary
Martha: Get Wesley on the case
Cindee: . . .
Post-Episode
Matha: HAHAHAHHA people died
Cindee: My husband will be home soon and we will go out for dinner then . . . so . . . you’ll have to wait to rant
Martha: I LITERALLY CAN’T Is that guy dead? That’s all I need to know for now.
Cindee: The historian?
Martha: Yes
Cindee: Dunno
Martha: Do they never actually come back to him? If not, he’s dead.
Cindee: Well, to be fair, there was never again a need for them to call on the skills of a 20th century earth history expert on a space ship traveling AWAY from earth. So, he could be sitting in his quarters, waiting to be needed again
Martha: Nah he’s dead. And you know what’s worse than not caring when someone dies? Or even laughing at Data when someone dies? CLAPPING!! CLAPPING WHEN SOMEONE DIES!
Cindee: I don’t remember any clapping
Martha: Crusher clapped! When he got shot she was all claps isn’t the holodeck marvelous. Oh, blood.
Cindee: Well she doesn’t realize the holodeck is a death trap yet
Martha: Just because you like her Cindee, doesn’t mean it’s ok. Also, crying is allowed in the penalty box and apparently sex is allowed on the holodeck. No wonder it keeps malfunctioning
Cindee: You think people having sex on the holodeck is why the safety protocols keep failing?
Martha: Well it can’t help. I mean this time it was an alien ‘probe.’
Cindee: Well they’ve got to contrive some reason for the holodeck to fail every time there’s a holodeck episode. Trust me, there are more ridiculous holodeck episodes. For example, the one where data wears a sombrero. According to Memory Alpha, the historian is alive.
Martha: Is that purely by omission of a eulogy
Cindee: probably just a recognition of Dr. Crusher’s skillz
Martha: Her pulse reading and ‘ignoring him for the rest of the scene’ skills. They also PUNCH A HOLOGRAM dramatically before getting him out of there. There is no urgency!
Cindee: he’s just a historian
Martha: He’s also a massive buzzkill. ‘It’s just a character from a book Picard’
Cindee: At least he’s better than the historian from TOS. They revive some people from cryogenic sleep and the historian falls in love with one of them because HE’S FROM HISTORY.
Martha: Also, this book, the guy keeps asking for an object. Doesn’t the book tell them what it is/where it is?!
Cindee: Tell who?
Martha: Data? Picard? They’ve read the book. Everything else is scenes from the book
Cindee: It’s BASED on a book. It’s interactive
Martha: Do you not think Picard was a little unprofessional to go jolly on the holodeck when he had an important meeting coming up which clearly had no set time?
Cindee: Yeah its weird to me that they all seem surprised when they arrive at destinations. They’ll set a course and then they’ll be doing something else and get a message “we’re here!!!”
Martha: Surely, it’s someone’s job to know that.
Cindee: We have to talk about this message Picard has to recite, too, though. There are episodes where they go undercover, use the universal translator, and NO ONE noticed that they aren’t actually speaking the native language. Yet here, somehow, they will know of Picard isn’t saying this greeting in their language
Martha: I thought the group sounded like a lot of effort to be honest
Cindee: The aliens?
Martha: Yes
Cindee: Don’t they just say the greeting and then head off somewhere else?
Martha: Yeah that’s it. Best mates for life. But why refuse to be friends because of a slight mispronunciation. Are they really that integral to this space programme?
Cindee: well, you refused to be Picard’s friend on account of how he pronounced sensors
Martha: Because he KNOWS how to say it.
Cindee: Does he? DOES HE?
Martha: Yes! Just like Wesley knows how to fix the holodeck! What I don’t understand is how Wesley’s mistake can cause the real people inside to CEASE TO EXIST. Die? Sure! But I expect mangled corpses on the room
Cindee: wait, wut?
Martha: That what he says! Are we even watching the same show?
Cindee: I told you, I don’t remember it well. I didn’t bother rewatching because it is a holodeck episode, thus I knew the plot: go the holodeck, something goes terribly wrong, oh no the safety protocols are fucking broken again
Martha: Well that’s what he says, and Riker’s all ‘well give it a try’ and all that happens is the doors open. Nothing actually disappears. Also, they come out of the other door so they don’t even see Wesley and pals when they come out
Cindee: Did you just refer to Geordi, Riker, and Wesley as “Wesley and pals”
Martha: There are three other generic engineers. One is probably the new chief. Why is Geordi helping anyway?
Cindee: Geordi is good at engineering
Martha: Isn’t red military and command? And gold is engineering and, navigation? (Even though Geordi seems to do most of that…)
Cindee: Navigation is red for reasons I don’t understand. Gold is engineering and security.
Martha: Of course! Security. How did I forget Yar. Right so let’s take it back a little. We’ve seen Yar use the holodeck, and Riker. So, why do they all gather round to listen to Picard’s ‘tales of the holodeck’? Why doesn’t he show them? Don’t they already KNOW what it does?!
Cindee: The UPGRADES Martha, the UPGRADES
Martha: Also, they talk about AU TO MO BEEEEELS?
Cindee: Automobile is a valid word
Martha: and instead of the many things you could say about cars, pollution, the fuels they use TEENAGERS USE THEM FOR DATING RITUALS. Goddamnit it Data. Not everything is about sex!
Cindee: Dating is not the same as sex!
Martha: American teenagers have sexy car times Cindee. I know this! IVE SEEN MOVIES
Cindee: Well apparently so has Data. Ok, but wait here, why does the word automobile bother you?
Martha: Oh it doesn’t! That’s just how Worf says it. Cos ya know, he’s a Klingon. Has never had any contact with humans ever…
Cindee: How does Worf say it?
Martha: Au… to.. mo… beeeeels? With an inflection in beels
Cindee: Presumably they wanted to show how culture and technology have changes and Worf didn’t have anything else to do, so he got to say it
Martha: Also on new earth Halloween has been cancelled
Cindee: Well it is a stupid holiday
Martha: It’s not big here. It’s about 4000 times bigger in America it seems
Cindee: Star Trek is a utopian view of the future Martha. No crime, no poverty, no Halloween
Martha: So, whilst Picard is having a fun time this very important meeting starts to happen. Wesley is in Data’s seat?! Where’s O’Brien?! Bring back O’Brien. Or dare I say it, another actually qualified member of the crew
Cindee: Well O’Brien might be trying out a different job
Martha: How do you find Crusher on the holodeck?
Cindee: With a tricorder?
Martha: I felt she went a bit ‘silly woman’ all giggly etc, which is at odds with her normal persona
Cindee: Agreed. Perhaps she was trying to be historically consistent
Martha: Oh, ALSO Picard says when describing the holodeck (in his captains logs which make no sense, he’s like ‘I’m on the holodeck to see.’ He has so many logs that are present tense! When is he saying this?! As he’s doing it?
Cindee: Yeah, he never stops doing that. There will be a fucking crisis going on and Picard runs off to make a log
Martha: Well he clearly has no concept of appropriate timing for this. Because he should be using the holodeck on his ‘off’ times! Not as a stress reliever during work hours. Also! I love how he refuses to practice. Which is basically them saying ‘we can’t get him to say this same string of noises twice, make an excuse!’
Cindee: He practices for hours
Martha: Not on screen!
Cindee: Well that’d be a bit boring
Martha: How dare you.
Cindee: We just watch Patrick Stewart say some alien words for an entire episode over and over?
Martha: But yes a lovely light hearted joke at the end, whilst historian is bleeding out in sick bay
Cindee: There’s always a light-hearted joke. Hence my husband and I have our tradition of saying “HA HA HA HA HA HA, people died” at the end of the episode.
Martha: He’s definitely dead.
Cindee: Memory Alpha disagrees
Martha: If I don’t see him again he’s dead.
Cindee: Are you getting out your M and Ms?
Martha: Oh I’ve eaten them all. So I assumed they were going to tackle arranged marriage with their usual sledgehammer tact, and I was not disappointed!
Cindee: Ha, so, it starts off with that creepy talking box, yes?
Martha: Oh god yes. Clearly they spent all the CGI budget on disco ship and had nothing left for the box…
Cindee: When I think of this episode, I think of the creepy talking box, and my hate for Lwaxana Troi…
Martha: The box spilled out a bunch of gems in a really awkward way, like those glitter bombs. Who’s gonna clean that up!?
Cindee: Wesley, maybe?
Martha: Well! That explains where Wesley is, cleaning up, cos is he fuck invited to the wedding!
Cindee: You can’t invite a 15 year old to a naked wedding.
Martha: Oh it was a naked wedding? They hardly every mentioned that…
Cindee: Well the wedding never happened…
Martha: I was being sarcastic
Cindee: OH
Martha: Lwaxana’s dialogue was mostly:
The wedding is naked
Do you want to see me naked?
I know you want to see me naked
Your husband wants to see me naked!
Which of these accessories will look better when I’m naked?
Do you like my hair? It’ll look better when I’m naked
And I’m not even exaggerating!
Cindee: I fucking hate that woman
Martha: Yeah I see your annoyance, but are you as annoyed as Deanna? Do you want to punch a gong out of your way and storm off?
Cindee: I want to punch someone most days, so
Martha: I liked that her party outfit was her work outfit but glittery. But at least she HAD a party outfit!
Cindee: Yeah it is super bizarre that they wear their uniforms like all the time
Martha: Yar made her hair fancy! And so did Crusher. I thought for a second that’s who Wyatt was drawing. Oh and Yar is all ‘woooah you get married NAKED’ Trust Yar.
Cindee: Are we really going to talk about everyone’s hair? Cause then I’m out.
Martha: Only cos you like Picard, and he has no hair.
Cindee: He has a little. Also, I like Dr. Crusher and she has hair. I just don’t give a shit about it.
Martha: It’s only because I thought she fancied it up to look like Wyatt’s pictures. But it wasn’t her. It was the residents of disco ship
Cindee: Why are you calling their ship disco ship?
Martha: Cos it’s having a goddamn rave! It’s got fancy lights like a disco and everyone in it has an infectious disease. Just like a real disco.
Cindee: Alright, you win. Disco ship. The resemblance is not as uncanny as the pokeballs though.
Martha: Only cos we don’t have discoships and I have a patent pending before you try.
Cindee: Ok, so my question, how the hell are these people and Lwaxanna old friends. They seem to hate each other!
Martha: Wasn’t it supposed to be more a friend of Troi’s dad? But yeah you can’t imagine them double dating! Anyway I’m guessing Troi’s father s dead?
Cindee: Everyone’s father is fucking dead!!
Martha: Haha! Well! You mentioned about her random accent she chose. On this her mum says she got it from her dad!!
‘Quick! Explain the accent disparity’
Cindee: Majel couldn’t do “British person badly doing American” or whatever the hell we’re gonna call Troi’s initial accent. That’s the only thing I can think to call it. I don’t think she WAS trying to do an American accent, but she sounds like a British person trying to sound American. Maybe her father was British but wished he was American
Martha: I’m sure I read the actress has some Greek parentage…
Cindee: Yeah her accent is just British though, I know because eventually the actress gets lazy and reverts back to her British accent
Martha: Here is Picard’s musings on arranged marriage
‘… it seems to me that she has become trapped by a custom of her home world which the facts of the twenty-fourth century have made unwise and unworkable. I wish I could intervene.’
Cindee: Oh Picard. Cultural relativity is not really their thing early on, is it
Martha: Hahaha well maybe they felt that they’d covered racism and sexism, so now it was religion’s turn!
Cindee: I never got the sense that it was a religious thing
Martha: I guess thats just what I associate with arranged marriage
Cindee: Riker talks about ‘habits of the beasts’ which I don’t want to know about and appears to have used the holodeck purely to create a rock to lean on. My google image searches have made me very aware of the Riker lean and he really gets into the Riker lean this episode. There’s at least 3 ponderous exaggerated leans.
Cindee: You mean his thinking face?
Martha: Well it’s not just the face. It’s his whole body
Cindee: Lol ok
Martha: So Troi flounces out, punches a gong, and goes out to have a chat with leaning Riker. In that time, they stop fighting in the hall, come to a detailed compromise about the wedding traditions, AND Wyatt even says he’s saw his dad practising NAKED in the mirror. Just how long was she gone?!
Cindee: You don’t practice being naked? I mean, it takes practice
Martha: Honestly I think I need practice haha. ALSO Why does Lwaxana have a sentient fake plant. And why doesn’t her best friend know about them if they’re a betazoid ‘pet’
Targ > plastic plant
Cindee: What does the word “sentient” mean to you
Martha: Alive…
Cindee: Well, that’s silly, plants are alive
Martha: The dictionary says ability to feel or perceive. Are you saying plants don’t have feelings…
Cindee: Yes
Martha: And she like, makes it tickle her. It’s like a snake
Cindee: So then it’s not a plant…
Martha: Okay. Why does Lwaxana have a fake plastic plant that the Star Trek producers are telling me is an animal
Cindee: Lmao, to bother the other lady obvs!
Martha: Clearly haha. Picard is getting so much better. I enjoyed him weakly taking the bag away. I enjoyed him telling Data he was circling the room like a buzzard. I LAUGHED at ‘I was not amused’ at Lwaxanas ‘joke’!
Cindee: Picard can be a funny dude
Martha: He had some top class banter today.
Cindee: ok, so, what are your thoughts on the idea that these two lovebirds have been dreaming of each other all their lives?
Martha: Erm, stupid.
Cindee: Exactly.
Martha: Like firstly, if I walk into someone’s house/disco ship, and there are drawings of me AS A CHILD all over the wall, I take my two items of medical paraphernalia. And I leave.
Cindee: well, he was drawing her all the time, too, so . . . . also, as established, he couldn’t leave once there
Martha: Drawings which he subtly put out to show his ‘fiancée’ HERE IS MY DREAM WOMAN WHO ISNT YOOOOOOOU
Cindee: Well he thought it was going to be her, so maybe he was like “I’ll creep her out by showing her a picture I drew of her”
Martha: not when he displayed them in his room Cindee! He knew it wasn’t her! He’d already met her!
Cindee: Oh, ok. well, I like to draw men I wish my husband was and put them around the house, too. Don’t we all?
Martha: As children, I hope… anyway, I don’t think he took nearly enough medica stuff to hell
Cindee: There’s only like 5 of them or whatever
Martha: Maybe I got confused but where did Crusher think he was going. Why did he need to knock out the transporter operator? Where did they think he was going?!
Cindee: Wasn’t he supposed to just beam the supplies, not himself?
Martha: Oh that would make sense
Cindee: Why Crusher would have him do it when she has plenty of minions, no one knows.
Martha: Lwaxana takes this weirdly well. As does everyone?! They even let Deana keep the jewels!
Cindee: I always figured everyone was secretly relieved. Ok, so a couple more random thoughts. How weird is it that they all figured out where Troi’s ship would be and agreed to all show up there at the same time, unannounced. I guess the creepy box did announce it, but barely before their arrival
Martha: Also Troi is clearly upset and Picard is all ‘congrats! Let’s all go to the wedding!’
Cindee: Well he’s not an empath. I mean he can’t just sense people’s feelings like Troi!
Martha: He has ZERO empathy if that’s what you mean
Cindee: Also, wtf is “genetic bonding”
Martha: I guess I assumed a fancy word for sex
Cindee: no, they were genetically bonded from childhood.
Martha: Oh weird, no idea then. Fancy alien marriage thing…
Cindee: Also, why is it a foregone conclusion that she’ll leave the ship
Martha: Also, Lwaxana is super into her status as a betazoid. Why would she marry a human? Why would she let her daughter marry a human?
Cindee: She chastises Troi for talking out loud, how the fuck does she think she’ll communicate with her new husband?
Martha: Hahaha well if she just CONCENTRATED she could sense his thoughts, like she can with sexxxxxy Riker!
Cinden: Theyre imzadi, Martha. Also I think they had to think their thoughts at each other to hear them
Martha: I don’t get their relationship. They’ve barely said a word to each other and now he’s all sulky
Cindee: They had one before, before the show
Martha: And he left her. To be a ship captain? Are there Star fleet rules about relationships and ship captaincy? I mean they apparently have a ‘no fighting at parties’ rule
Cindee: You know it’s never 100% explained, but yeah the idea is that he put his career first, but captains can get married. OK, spoilers, but I think Riker and Troi met on Betazed and then he got reassigned or something and she couldn’t go with him or whatever.
Martha: But now they’re together ALL THE TIME
Cindee: Have you never watched a TV show or something? They’ve gotta will they or won’t they. That’s how romance works on TV
Martha: Do they even still talk to each other outside of work?
Cindee: Sure
Martha: You don’t know that!
Cindee: Yes I do, I’ve seen them do it
Martha: I want to see some downtime bridge crew.
Cindee: well you’ll like later seasons then
Martha: Do they have a B team so they can have a rest
Cindee: Yes, there’s three shifts
Martha: But we only care about Picard’s shift
Cindee: Obvs
Martha: Oh no Worf this episode! It doesn’t make sense for him not to be at the wedding! Maybe Klingons can’t go to weddings
Cindee: I’ve seen Worf go to weddings
Martha: He just hates Troi?
Cindee: Maybe he hates nudity
Martha: I’m with Worf!
Cindee: Yeah me too, people should keep their fucking clothes on.
Cindee: So, Q is back
Martha: As a three headed snake bubble. Which is just great!
Cindee: Well, Q can appear as anything.
Martha: As we are made painfully aware of throughout.
Cindee: Wait, did you LIKE this episode?
Martha: No I don’t.
Cindee: Whew, Q episodes, unlike Ferengi episodes, do actually get better… mostly
Martha: So, Q has taken a bit of a shine to Riker, (Let’s face it, who hasn’t), and is going to test him as some sort of elaborate plan not unlike the confusing elaborate plan of the pilot.
Cindee: That about sums it up
Martha: Spoilers – I assumed by the end that Q had upset the rest of the Q’s and was going to be, put in Q jail… I find the Q actor a little creepy.
Cindee: In what way?
Martha: I dunno, wide eyes and creepy smile when he’s in his various disguises.
Cindee: That’s quite the bizarre detail to nitpick at
Martha: I will nitpick at anything I can, and you can’t stop me!
Cindee: I wasn’t trying to stop you, I was nitpicking your nitpicking
Martha: So off they go to game island, I was actually looking forward to what they had planned for the game, Q was described multiple times as ‘creative’ so I was genuinely interested. Turns out the ‘game’ is dressed up ‘animal things’ trying to kill them. Not a game. Not a game AT ALL!
Cindee: What did you expect, Wizard Chess?
Martha: I’d have accepted anything that remotely resembled a game. Not Worf running at the ‘animal things’ (they call them animal things about 4 times) them using their fazers to blow up rocks and animal things.
Cindee: Well, to be fair, there was penalty box
Martha: THERE WAS NO RULES about the penalty box.
Cindee: Sure there was: one person at a time
Martha: The penalty box lasted 5 minutes. He said ‘penalty over’ yet Yar did not return? No one else went to the penalty box because there was no parameters set for penalty box admission! But, crying IS allowed in the penalty box.
Cindee: Hahah! So, you expected a character we already know to be fairly erratic and arbitrary not to be?
Martha: I wanted there to be some STORY to the episode. Not just ‘oh you guys are gonna get attacked in this game, then I’ll tell Riker I’ve gave him a power, and then he can save you guys because I’ve told him to, and then, more stuff’
Cindee: I don’t know where these expectations came from! What show have you been watching?
Martha: LMAO. I know, what’s wrong with me!? So, Ive accidentally spoiled myself when looking for a FB photo for the blog as I noticed all the cast photos have everyone BUT Yar, so I imagine she’s not long for this world…
Cindee: Maybe she’s just invisible
Martha: But today in ‘who does Yar fancy this episode?’ the answer is *drumroll* PICARD!!!!
Cindee: What makes you think she is into Picard?
Martha: When she’s in the penalty box, she makes it very clear.
Cindee: If you say so . . .
Martha: Okay you’re making me find it!
Cindee: *taps fingers, impatiently*
Martha: PICARD: Don’t worry. There’s a new ship’s standing order on the Bridge. When one is in the penalty box, tears are permitted.
TASHA: Captain. Oh, if you weren’t a captain.
Q: Consorting with lower rank females, Captain? Especially ones in penalty boxes? Destructive to discipline, they say. But then again, you’re what? You’re only human? Penalty over.
Martha: And she makes googly eyes when she says it.
Cindee: Maybe it was non-romantic love
Martha: IN STAR TREK?? NO. Sexy parties, sexy planets, sexy Data. EVERYTHING IS SEXY
Cindee: Ok so anyways…
Martha: So Worf throws himself at the animal things, isn’t very successful at being a warrior. He then jumps at an exploded rock shouting drop your weapons at Riker, again, not a very succesful warrior.
Cindee: Well he’s young. You forgot about Picard spouting Shakespeare!
Martha: Meanwhile Q is on the Enterprise whilst the directors make the most out of the fact that Patrick Stewart did a lot of Shakespeare by making him reads loads of Shakespeare
Martha: I DID NOT!
Cindee: JINX
Martha: Definitely get that free Shakespeare in
Cindee: Yeah, they don’t stop doing that, by the by.
Martha: I’m into it. It’s fine. So, Riker gets Q powers, does some sexy laughing. Saves everyone, has a little chat with Q where Q seems to imply humans will evolve past Q and therefore they want a human to, help them grow?
Cindee: What was sexy about his laughing?
Martha: It’s Riker…. Everything he does is sexy, INCLUDING his sexy ignoring of Picard, his sexy calling him Jean Luc…
Cindee: I see
Martha: So I think the main amazingness of this episode is Riker granting everyone’s wishes.
Cindee: Sure, like a genie
Martha: La Forge’s is fairly standard, sight, and obviously he fancies the pants of Yar. Wesley apparently wanted to be 40 years old and still wearing the same jumper. Poor Wesley, he got killed AND rebuffed from the bridge in the same episode.
Cindee: Ok, I’m not an expert on going from being blind to not being blind, but I don’t think that it would be that simple. How would you know what anything you were looking at was?
Martha: Well, I suppose he has had some vision with all his different visor settings, so this is just a new ‘setting’
Cindee: I guess. Anyways, yes, Riker think Wesley wants to be old, and wear the same shirt.
Martha: Bless Wesley. Everyone’s immediate response to seeing him, even his own mother, is ‘Wesley we’re busy’ ‘Wesley this doesnt concern you’ So, Worf’s greatest wish OBVIOUSLY is a woman he can bang without destroying! However, sex appears to be, fighting??
Cindee: Ok, so there’s a couple things there: first, it is actually fairly well established later on that Worf is not a fan of casual sex
Martha: So, Riker was totally off base thinking he wanted a lady Klingon?
Cindee: Seems that way to me, as for the violence part, yes it is implied that Klingon sex is violent on many occasions.
Martha: In season 3 do they just start again and ignore the first two seasons ‘implications.’
Cindee: Not ENTIRELY…
Martha: Riker also states that Worf has ‘no connection to his people’ WHAT ABOUT THE TARG EH
Cindee: Ok, so yeah, Riker is assuming a lot of shit about Worf
Martha: Also, why dont they speak Klingon when she shows up, instead of just, growling?
Cindee: Like, why does he need a connection to “his people”? Why are “his people” even Klingons? He was raised by humans
Martha: Well he has said a few times that he’s a Klingon, like when he wanted to stay with Picard he said he cannot leave his captain as a Klingon, and Picard is all ‘YOU ARE A STAR FLEET OFFICER!!’ Plus Sash!
Cindee: Yes, I agree that Worf is all into being Klingon. I am just arguing that overall that doesn’t make a lot of sense to me
Martha: Does he speak Klingon? That would maybe explain the growling…
Cindee: He does speak Klingon. Who taught him? I dunno. You’re culturally British cause you were raised there. If you were raised here, you’d be culturally American. You wouldn’t be calling shirts jumpers.
Martha: But I would definitely have a traditionally British pet, like a Shetland pony
Cindee: Well obviously. That’s genetic
Martha: And I’d wear a traditional British garment at all times. Like, one of those bearskin hats. AND WHEN I HAD SEX WITH AMERICAN MEN I WOULD DESTROY THEM
Cindee: See, that’s what I’m saying, it makes no sense.
Martha: When was his background established? Because it’s all over the place right now.
Cindee: I feel like the implication is that in general, your genes or whatever have a much bigger impact on your environment, which I’m not on board with. Worf’s background, you learn bits a pieces here and there. He was raised by humans from a very young age. Eventually you’ll meet his parents. They’re walking stereotypes. There’s other details, but SPOILERS. So, that was all the wishes yeah? He wants to make Pinocchio a real boy but Data says no before he does it, yeah? Or actually, they’re not really wishes, they’re Riker’s assumptions of wishes
Martha: Data refuses the real boy yes haha. We don’t get to find out Yar’s wishes because they’re unsuitable for broadcast. Or Picards. Or Dr Crushers… but again, filth
Cindee: We haven’t found out what anyone wishes, just what Riker thinks they wish, and since Riker is very dumb . . .
Martha: That’s true. So yeah Picard calls out Q as a ‘flim flam man’ Riker apologises to Picard for being an idiot and he feels very silly, Picard replies ‘quite right so you should!’
Cindee: Well, Riker is an idiot. I mean, you’ve seen his thinking face
Martha: Hahahah! I like Riker. I don’t want him to get a beard.
Cindee: I dislike Riker.
Martha: Oh also Riker gets on a chair just fine so clearly that hasn’t started yet. INCONSISTENT
Cindee: Haha, ok, so, Riker’s an idiot, end of episode.
Martha had the strange idea to watch The Battle and chat with Cindee at the same time. The result was that everything is out of context and makes no sense. So, Cindee copied and pasted information from Memory Alpha so you know what is going on.
Martha: Ooooh the battle!
Cindee: *waits for it*
Martha: OH FUCK OFF FERENGIS
Cindee: yup, there it is
Dr. Crusher comes to see Picard in his quarters, where he complains of feeling fatigued and having a bad headache. She examines him and can find nothing wrong, but tells him to come to sickbay all the same.
Martha: Crusher has solved headaches. And is surprised that Picard has one.
Cindee: Yeah that seems very funny to me. Like, what is solving them exactly? A headache vaccine? Like maybe they have better painkillers, I’d buy that. But headaches just don’t happen?
Picard returns to the bridge and talks with the Ferengi captain, DaiMon Bok over the Enterprise’s viewscreen.
Martha: Daimon?? That’s not an alien name
Cindee: That is a title, like captain
Martha: Oh the Ferengi don’t mind visual contact a mere 3 episodes later
Cindee: I told you, that first episode is wildly inconsistent
Martha: You spelt SEASON wrong. This Ferengi seems a little nicer than the others. And a bit more chill.
Cindee: Or so he would have you believe
Martha: SPOILERS.
Cindee: spoilers? the title of the episode is “the battle.” WTF do you think is going to happen.
Martha: Wesley battles to have someone listen to him?
Picard goes to sickbay where Crusher examines him again, but fails to find any medical reason for his headaches.
Martha: AS SIMPLE AS A HEADACHE. Crusher is having none of it. Oh the days before they knew the NATURE OF PAIN.
Cindee: Well they’ve mapped the brain now. Once you map something, it can’t hurt anymore
Picard returns to the bridge, where Wesley Crusher arrives and tells Geordi La Forge that when he was boosting the range of the long-range sensors, he detected a ship approaching.
Martha: Ooooh rainbow jumper with a fabulous collar and fitted waist
Cindee: Ok, pause
Martha: Paused
Cindee: You need to buy these:
Martha: But why of all his fabulous jumpers is this the one that’s taken off? Is this his uniform now?
Cindee: I’m so sorry to be the one to break it to you, but, the sweaters are done for. UNPAUSE.
Picard is then hit by another headache, before ordering La Forge to zoom in on the approaching starship. It is the Stargazer, which the Ferengi found adrift, and are now giving to Picard. Bok says it will be a gift, free of charge, which his subordinates don’t like.
Martha: oh no, the headaches back. TROI CANNOT BELIEVE IT.
Cindee: Well of course not!
Martha: This headache is very distracting to poor Picard.
Cindee: Well, if you’d never had one before and got one, wouldn’t you think you were dying or something?
Martha: Oh god Troi felt the headache. A GUILT HEADACHE. NOT A THING. Hmmmm, this seems too good to be true.
Cindee: Them giving them the Stargazer?
Martha: Yes. even his mates don’t buy it…
Cindee: What are you talking about? It makes total sense to find a derelict starship that was responsible for the destruction of someone of your people’s ship and then give it back to the owners
Later in the observation lounge, Picard tells the crew about the battle. He then performed what is now known as the Picard Maneuver: he ordered a jump to high warp, making it appear to the Ferengi for a second that the Stargazer was in two places at once.
Martha: Okay Riker seems happier talking about the Picard Manoeuvre than he did on the sexy planet
Cindee: Picard is his hero. Side note, is that a typo or is that really how you spell maneuver?
Martha: Yes that’s how we spell it. IT’S FRENCH. AS FRENCH AS PICARD
Cindee: So . . . not very French?
Martha: How dare you. HE IZ ZE MOST FRENCH!
Cindee: With his British accent. Anyways, they’re on the Stargazer now?
Martha: They are. Picard left nudey mags in his cabin.
Cindee: How dare you
Martha: And a glowy Pokeball. Oh its a headache bomb.
Cindee: I was wondering what you’d call that thing
The return to the ship and sometime later Data shows Riker a personal log that Picard supposedly recorded, claiming that he attacked the Ferengi vessel without provocation and that the Ferengi ship was under a flag of truce.
Martha: Picard LIED?? Or they’ve messed with the records.
Cindee: but which is it?
Martha: This Pokeball is really messing with poor Picard
Cindee: Ok, so what exactly is a Pokeball?
Martha: You catch Pokemon in it. They shrink the Pokemon down and it lives in there
Cindee: So maybe it is the headache Pokemon in that one
Martha: Psyduck
Cindee: What is a Psyduck?
Cindee: Is that the headache Pokemon?
Martha: A Pokemon, and it gives itself headaches with its psychic power
Cindee: Alright then, so that’s what’s going on
Picard is in his quarters when Crusher arrives. He tells her the headache is worsening, and he is worrying about the battle and whether he did the right thing. Crusher gives him a sedative and puts him to bed.
Martha: Crusher is sticking floppy discs to Picard’s head
Cindee: well she needs to monitor his brain or something
Martha: Why has no one asked Wesley how to fix this headache?
Cindee: Just you wait
In Picard’s ready room, Data is informing Riker that the log is a forgery
Martha: Riker is so rude!
Cindee: How so?
Martha: Data tells him that some ‘checksom’ things don’t match in the logs, so Riker asks him what that means, he started to explain and Riker says, I DONT WANT A COMPUTER SCIENCE LESSON.
Cindee: That’s pretty typical
In sickbay, Dr. Crusher is discussing the headaches with Deanna Troi when Wesley enters. He tells her that he noticed the captain’s brain patterns were exactly the same as low intensity transmissions detected coming from the Ferengi ship.
Martha: Fuck off Wesley (says everyone!) From a quick glance I have solved all this.
Cindee: HE’S MOZART MARTHA
Martha: Dr Crusher is off to take all the credit. Oh Picard’s bloody beamed off the ship again.
Cindee: At least he didn’t beam into a cloud this time. Ok, so did the Daimon explain shit yet?
Martha: Yeah sorta. Picard killed his son
Cindee: right, so, basically a Star Trek II: Wrath of Khan ripoff
Martha: KHAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNN
Cindee: Yes. Kirk was indirectly responsible for the death of Khan’s wife.
Martha: I’ve only seen the Hot Spock version
Cindee: Well obviously this is not a rip-off of that one, as it didn’t exist yet
Riker realizes that he is going to use the Picard Maneuver, so he orders Data to come up with a suitable defense.
Martha: There is no defense against the Picard Manoeuvre
Cindee: Riker: “think of one anyways” Data: “oh ok, sure”
Kazago hails, and tells Riker that Bok has been removed from command for his part in this “unprofitable venture”.
Martha: Engaging in an unprofitable adventure
Cindee: I told you, Republicans. What I don’t get is, why do the Ferengi forbid the Pokeballs? They seem like they’d be pretty profitable.
Martha: Okay so that’s a win for Wesley. Oh and they gave up on inertia. Who didn’t listen in tractor beam conservation lecture after all!
Cindee: Also, they are towing that thing as sunlight speed. So its gonna take them centuries to get anywhere with it.
Martha: It’s so worth it though, for the nudey mags.
Cindee: I will not sit idly by while you insult Picard like that!
