The Laughing Vulcan and His Dog
The blog where Martha watches an episode of Star Trek and then talks about it with her Trekkie friend Cindee
Martha: Hi. We’ve been incredibly inconsistent with this prime directive stuff so here is an episode where we beat you about the head with it in order to further your understanding
Cindee: hahahahaha. I feel like their answer in this one actually made some sense though? It’s been a while admittedly…
Martha: Yeah, and there was some initial intrigue! I felt the plot was fairly obvious once it got going but it was interesting
Continue reading “Just Say No (AKA Symbiosis)”Martha: OMG GET EXCITED
Cindee: ?
Martha: We have a new chief engineer!
Cindee: Oh lol, yeah.
Martha: I’m sure that’s our fourth hahaha. He didn’t die though! But I’m sure we’ll never see him again
Cindee: Ok, so I take it you watched the Arsenal of Freedom.
Martha: I have indeed! Of all the ’21st century Earth was terrible’ i think sadly the ‘peace through superior firepower’ is the most accurate so far
Cindee: Hahaha, probably true
Martha: But unlike humans who sorted themselves out in time to fix it, because humans rock, this planet has wiped itself out.
Cindee: correct
Martha: Leaving only deadly weapons at every turn
Cindee: And a robot to sell them.
Martha: So Yar decides ‘definitely better get down to that’ What could possibly go wrong. Everything. Everything Yar.
Cindee: Hahaha. So, first things first. I just want to say, for the record: Deanna Troi’s rank is Lt. Commander. She outranks LaForge AND Logan
Martha: yes but… Cindee. SHES SUPER ANNOYING
Cindee: Logan seems pretty annoying, too
Martha ‘As the ship counsellor its my job to interrupt you and say ‘the new guys are nervous we are being SHOT AT BY AN INVISIBLE SUPER AWESOME SHOOTING THING’ no shit Troi. I wont hear a thing about chief engineer no4! He is absolutely the 4th best candidate for the job!
Cindee: Maybe, but she outranks him
Martha: Well Logan outranked LaForge right? 2 dots vs a dot and a half
Cindee: Yes
Martha: But, Picard said Geordi was the boss, soooooo. MAIN CAST CINDEE, why do we even care about anyone else?
Cindee: Troi is the main cast, she’s a Lt. Commander
Martha Okay LaForge is trained in command, military AND navigation and engineering
Cindee: Troi went to Starfleet academy
Martha: Troi is good at ‘ooooh I feel that maybe were gonna get shot at’
Cindee: I don’t know that I agree that LaForge is trained in military
Martha: He’s RED CINDEE, navigation and command and fighting…
Cindee: Navigation and command, fighting is yellow.
Martha: Haha Riker fights!
Cindee: But it isn’t his job, he just does it on the side
Martha: Honestly i feel the colours are very blurred, you said Geordi is a super good engineer too.
Cindee: yeah they get more clear next season
Martha: Geordi is multifaceted, whereas Troi doesn’t even have a colour
Cindee: Well she’s SUPPOSED to be wearing blue.
Martha: She gave up her right to be the boss of the ship when she didn’t wear her uniform and 2 and a half pips, plus clearly Picard likes La Forge, he’s left him in charge twice now. PLUS HE UNDERSTANDS HIM NOW. He’s seen through his eyes….
Cindee: lolololol ok, so Picard erroneously leaves LaForge in charge and beams down and falls in a hole with Crusher
Martha: Wooooah wait a minute. Riker meets a guy called Rice(r) and has some fantastic bants
Cindee: about the good ship lollipop
Martha: Like I dont know where ‘yo momma’ jokes started But I’d like to think it was with Riker… Rice is all ‘who sent you’ and Riker replies ‘YOUR MOMMA’
Cindee: I don’t think that those are related…
Martha: (I think he technically says your mother but Im calling it regardless) but yes, the good old Lollipop is indeed a good ship. That was some pretty snazzy alien tech to be fair. Shame they couldn’t actually buy some…
Cindee: Yeah so Yar keeps outsmarting them or whatever
Martha: She fires her fazer and it works ONCE. Data does most of the smartsing
Cindee: Meanwhile, Picard and Crusher fall in a hole
Martha: Why are you so obsessed with this hole! I’m just glad Picard didn’t ‘omg fall on top of the lady’
Cindee: Also, if those things are so fancy, why can’t they fucking aim,
they’re worse than storm troopers!
Martha: And they dont even have that genuine war syndrome thing to blame…
Cindee: Oh and the hole, I just think it is a stupid plot point to fall in a hole
Martha: Well of course it is, and Crusher somehow manages to fall UNDER some pretty heavy sand…
Cindee: I know, how did that occur exactly? I’m no physicist, but . . .
Martha: We’re supposed to think it fell with her from the walls or the top I guess
Cindee: Ok, fine
Martha: But Picard, being a manly man, was not so afflicted by this sand so we get treated to Picard’s bedside manner STAY AWAKE. THATS AN ORDER
Cindee: so Crusher is covered in sand and tells Picard how to do basic first aid, which one would think he’d know…
Martha: Erm no. Basic first aid has been cured. Nobody needs it anymore
Cindee: Meanwhile, she uses her knowledge of roots from ANOTHER PLANET to identify one on this one that could be useful
Martha: ALL YELLOW PLANTS ARE FINE
Cindee: And Picard tastes it and it’s yellow so naturally…
Martha: How dare you question her Grandmother’s knowledge. So we now know Crusher once lived on some planet where I guess everyone died… except Crusher and her grandma…
Cindee: They all did, they all have some horrible tragic past.
Martha: I’m still waiting on La Forge’s. And Riker’s. And Picard’s! I cant wait to learn of their emotional turmoil
Cindee: ha, well, I’d tell ya, but SPOILERS
Martha: oh, guess what happens when they fall down the hole… It’s a literal RIP to the lab cardigan
Cindee: Lab coat
Martha: I thought we agreed on lab cardigan
Cindee: You agreed on lab cardigan… its not like she can’t get another one
Martha: Im sure Troi has a massive fucking unused stash she can have ‘these are all brand new in the packet’
Cindee: What on earth are you talking about? She can just replicate a new one
Martha: They havent used the replicators yet! I dont think anyway…
Cindee: Huh? Interesting
Martha: If something like fizzles into view is that the replicator? cos the Klingons got themselves some food like that.
Cindee: Yes
Martha: Okay the Klingons replicated food then. They knew how it worked. Maybe Worf told them after the yelling…but I’m not aware of it being made a point of yet.
Cindee: Well, the odd thing is, different aliens all seem capable of using each others technology without instruction all the time
Martha: Well, I do not know the technology. I am but a primitive alien
Cindee: What you can and cannot replicate seems to change for the convenience of the plot
Martha: Well thats fair enough haha. Anyway, I think its a good job Geordi is left in charge because Geordi is the only person who remembers the ship separates.
Cindee: Well that’s true.
Martha: AND he knows that theres always time for a log!
Cindee: seriously, they almost never separate it and they almost always should! Well ya gotta have logs
Martha: Picard knows no one else will bother with a log whilst they’re being shot at by an invisible massively powerful alien and all their shields are down and most of the senior staff are stuck on a planet where they cant beam off being shot at by similar powerful things…
WELL would YOU separate if you got the reception La Forge got? I left you this ship in one piece! FIX IT FIX IT FIX IT! HOW ABOUT A WELL DONE PICARD??
Cindee: Wait, what?
Martha: How about a pat on the back? When he comes back Picard is all ‘when I left this ship was in one piece, sort it out’
Cindee: oh well he was joking!
Martha: and its his ‘hahaha’ way with Riker which has absolutely no humour to it half the time. He is rubbish at joking!
Cindee: Well he is still learning
Martha: he is getting there. if he wasn’t as aggressive the rest of the time I could take his jokes as jokes haha. Oh I forgot about Data rescuing them from the convenient hole. Oh, also, contrary to popular believe (very) white men CAN jump (down holes…)
Cindee: That’s the title of a movie, not a popular belief
Martha: I take all my beliefs from Woody Harrelson movies. Twinkies are gods gift to food, and, other stuff.
Cindee: you are now making pop culture references I do not understand
Martha In Zombieland he’s obsessed with finding a twinkie as they are the only food which can survive an apocalypse, or something…
Cindee: Also, can’t believe you didn’t complain about the lack of Wesley..
Martha: Hahah after ‘Coming of Age’ I’m due for a break….
Cindee: So, some Klingons show up, and they’re not fans of the treaty
Martha: Can we go back a second, What is the neutral zone? And why can’t anyone go in it?
Cindee: Well it’s a bit weird, cause in TOS the neutral zone is an area of space between the Klingon Empire and Federation. In TNG its the same thing, but with the Romulans
Martha: I could understand no battle ships. But this was a freight ship?
Cindee: No one can go in the neutral zone. NO ONE
Martha: Okay
Cindee: I mean, in theory
Martha: So yes, they go aboard and find Klingons.I have many issues with this episode. Mostly with your friend Picard.
Cindee: Well he’s not my friend yet
Martha
Martha: Hahaha, So Geordie has a way to transmit his vision to the bridge.
Cindee: ooooh right, that was a thing in this episode, and then they never spoke of it again
Martha: and now Picard can FINALLY UNDERSTAND HIM. Because you can’t understand someone unless you know how they see things visually.
Cindee: Correct, that’s why Tony doesn’t understand me, he has perfect vision, I wear glasses. Eventually, it’ll lead to divorce.
Martha: And what’s that red human shaped thing?!
Cindee: Riker
Martha: Oh… Riker.. Come on Picard!
Cindee: So yeah, pretty ableist
Martha: It just was weirdly worded They could have been like ‘oh so this is what you can see! The strength of the metal, the heat signals, cool!’
Not ‘now I know who he is… I had no idea before!’
Cindee: It’s like when they have kids use a wheelchair or blindfold themselves or whatever and then think they understand what it is like to be disabled.
Martha: Hahahahaha yeah basically
Cindee: No you don’t, you don’t know how to operate a damn wheelchair, so of course its superweird for you…
Martha: Yes it was very silly
Cindee: Yes, and then they never spoke of it again…
Martha: Well the signal got overloaded. Forever… OH, We have another fantastic ask of Data from Riker.
Cindee: which is?
Martha:
Riker: How do we get to the engine room?
Data: There are several paths to the engine room, all of which are equally dangerous
Riker: Well which is the least dangerous?!’
RIKER DO YOU NOT KNOW WHAT EQUALLY MEANS!
Cindee: Lol, I have tried to explain to you that he’s not that bright
Martha: Hahaha he really isn’t!
Cindee: Did he have his thinking face?
Riker: No he was mad. He was mad because he was sick of Picard being all
‘Look at Data!’
‘Look at some fire!’
‘Look at Riker!!’
Treating poor Geordi like an eye puppet
Cindee: Wait, Riker is mad at ableism and so asked Data a stupid question later?
Martha: No he didn’t have a thinking face cos he was too annoyed for it…
Cindee: There is this one episode where for medical reasons, Riker is having trouble concentrating. aAnyways I am like HOW IS THIS DIFFERENT THAN NORMAL. Like theres like a whole minute of him just making lots of thinking faces and looking confused
Martha: That. Sounds.Amazing. Im sure it won’t be… Anyway, so we find some
Klingons, and beam them back. WITH SOME ADDED PERIL OF AN EXPLOSION. But somehow they beam fine
Cindee: Saved by the transporter, as always. Transporters are fucking magical,
Martha: Sooooo the Klingons are here, and just like Datalore we now distrust Worf!
Cindee: Lmao, yeah, it is funny cause they act like people will be loyal to their “kind” over their actual socialization
Martha: Like seriously. I hope some dodgy French people don’t come aboard cos now we won’t trust Picard!
Cindee: It’s really actually racist, if you think about it. it assumes people’s intentions, behavior, etc are like built into their genes or something.
Martha. It’s just very odd and it makes you think that they’re not really good friends and teammates!!
Cindee: But you know, humans are Americans, and it was only 70 years ago we were like “lets distrust these Japanese American citizens!!!”
Martha: Hurray for Joseph McCarthy!
Cindee: um, I don’t think that was McCarthy. McCarthy was the communist witch hunt guy
Martha: I thought it came about after his red scare stuff as well
Cindee: No, it was during WWII. Red scare was after WWII. the point is, racism. Worf is in Starfleet, but we can’t trust him cause genes.
Martha: Or Data, cos circuits…
Cindee: Lmao, yes anyways, so the Klingons are on board
Martha: But to be fair Worf does get quite into these Klingons, he even does a lovely yell when one dies.
Cindee: Well, that doesn’t really bother me, people have death rituals
Martha: No it just felt he was copying them a bit
Cindee: Did he only start after they did?
Martha: Yes
Cindee: Ok
Martha. As with Lore in Datalore, the Klingons are given remarkable freedom on the ship, until we speak to big boss Klingon and we find out that actually these are rebels.
Cindee: Well, there’s a treaty. They’re allies
Martha: Well they don’t fully trust them as the damage to the ship is from Klingon weapons. (On a Ferengi ship… hmmm ok)
Cindee: Aaaaaand?
Martha: THEY KILL 2 PEOPLE
Cindee: When they were on the freighter?
Martha: No the Klingons killed two security people
Cindee: I forgot about that, and doesn’t Worf kinda defend them?
Martha: He acts incredibly neutral to them. Like, too neutral really considering. A mother and child come out of a lift and Yar says GO BACK! And then the Klingon picks a kid up, Yar calls in a hostage situation. The Klingon gives the kid to Worf and Worf puts her down AND THE MOTHER AND CHILD SQUEEZE PAST THE KLINGONS AND CONTINUE THEIR JOURNEY
Cindee: Lmao
Martha: No go back in the fucking lift!!!
Cindee: There’s a treaty! There’s nothing to fear!
Martha: And then Worf is all ‘it’s weak to take hostages, Klingons don’t do that’ But then the Klingons give up
Cindee: Are you sure he didn’t say it was dishonorable, thats what he calls most things.
Martha: And then Worf is all don’t kill them, let them free on a planet with massive fuck off monsters so they can fight to the death.
Cindee: Right, to die an honorable death.
Martha: Yes, And I’m pretty sure the boss is like ‘nope’
Cindee: If a Klingon doesn’t die in battle, they don’t go to Klingon heaven
Martha: If Klingons go to Klingon heaven…why do they scream to warn the others of a warrior incoming? If they’re all warriors…
Cindee: Cause, warriors are scary
Martha: Not if you’re a warrior too…
Martha: Erm so anyway Klingon boss is all ‘after you’re done being a SF Officer come join me’ And Worf is all like ‘I am honoured’
Cindee: Worf likes honor
Martha: And then Picard and Riker and everyone just stare at him, like him joining the Klingons would be a FUCKING TRAVESTY
Cindee: And he was like j/k.
Martha: hahahahaha, he was so like j/k.
Prologue
Martha: Can you die in the holodeck?
Cindee: in theory, no. There are these things called “safety protocols” that are supposed to prevent bad things from happening
Martha: Like bullets don’t do anything, for example
Cindee: In theory
Martha: So, if the safety protocols break the hologram bullets become ACTUAL BULLETS
Cindee: That’s basically the plot of every fucking holodeck episode
Martha: WHO IS IN CHARGE?!
Cindee: Of what?
Martha: Like recently they said, when the ship started failing, that a ship this new couldn’t possibly be failing. So, who is in charge of maintaining the holodeck?!
Cindee: The engineering staff
Martha: Well, if they didn’t switch them out every so often maybe someone could get experience, and do their job properly!
Cindee: I mean, every time it happens, they act surprised. Also, they get fucking locked in the holodeck somehow, obviously
Martha: This is just simple poor maintenance. Also, how is detective noir necessary for space training?
Cindee: The holodeck is for recreation, not training. They go there to unwind, but then something goes terribly wrong, including the damn safety protocols
Martha: How does anyone get locked in anywhere
Cindee: They have some damn contrived reason every time, the reasons vary
Martha: Get Wesley on the case
Cindee: . . .
Post-Episode
Matha: HAHAHAHHA people died
Cindee: My husband will be home soon and we will go out for dinner then . . . so . . . you’ll have to wait to rant
Martha: I LITERALLY CAN’T Is that guy dead? That’s all I need to know for now.
Cindee: The historian?
Martha: Yes
Cindee: Dunno
Martha: Do they never actually come back to him? If not, he’s dead.
Cindee: Well, to be fair, there was never again a need for them to call on the skills of a 20th century earth history expert on a space ship traveling AWAY from earth. So, he could be sitting in his quarters, waiting to be needed again
Martha: Nah he’s dead. And you know what’s worse than not caring when someone dies? Or even laughing at Data when someone dies? CLAPPING!! CLAPPING WHEN SOMEONE DIES!
Cindee: I don’t remember any clapping
Martha: Crusher clapped! When he got shot she was all claps isn’t the holodeck marvelous. Oh, blood.
Cindee: Well she doesn’t realize the holodeck is a death trap yet
Martha: Just because you like her Cindee, doesn’t mean it’s ok. Also, crying is allowed in the penalty box and apparently sex is allowed on the holodeck. No wonder it keeps malfunctioning
Cindee: You think people having sex on the holodeck is why the safety protocols keep failing?
Martha: Well it can’t help. I mean this time it was an alien ‘probe.’
Cindee: Well they’ve got to contrive some reason for the holodeck to fail every time there’s a holodeck episode. Trust me, there are more ridiculous holodeck episodes. For example, the one where data wears a sombrero. According to Memory Alpha, the historian is alive.
Martha: Is that purely by omission of a eulogy
Cindee: probably just a recognition of Dr. Crusher’s skillz
Martha: Her pulse reading and ‘ignoring him for the rest of the scene’ skills. They also PUNCH A HOLOGRAM dramatically before getting him out of there. There is no urgency!
Cindee: he’s just a historian
Martha: He’s also a massive buzzkill. ‘It’s just a character from a book Picard’
Cindee: At least he’s better than the historian from TOS. They revive some people from cryogenic sleep and the historian falls in love with one of them because HE’S FROM HISTORY.
Martha: Also, this book, the guy keeps asking for an object. Doesn’t the book tell them what it is/where it is?!
Cindee: Tell who?
Martha: Data? Picard? They’ve read the book. Everything else is scenes from the book
Cindee: It’s BASED on a book. It’s interactive
Martha: Do you not think Picard was a little unprofessional to go jolly on the holodeck when he had an important meeting coming up which clearly had no set time?
Cindee: Yeah its weird to me that they all seem surprised when they arrive at destinations. They’ll set a course and then they’ll be doing something else and get a message “we’re here!!!”
Martha: Surely, it’s someone’s job to know that.
Cindee: We have to talk about this message Picard has to recite, too, though. There are episodes where they go undercover, use the universal translator, and NO ONE noticed that they aren’t actually speaking the native language. Yet here, somehow, they will know of Picard isn’t saying this greeting in their language
Martha: I thought the group sounded like a lot of effort to be honest
Cindee: The aliens?
Martha: Yes
Cindee: Don’t they just say the greeting and then head off somewhere else?
Martha: Yeah that’s it. Best mates for life. But why refuse to be friends because of a slight mispronunciation. Are they really that integral to this space programme?
Cindee: well, you refused to be Picard’s friend on account of how he pronounced sensors
Martha: Because he KNOWS how to say it.
Cindee: Does he? DOES HE?
Martha: Yes! Just like Wesley knows how to fix the holodeck! What I don’t understand is how Wesley’s mistake can cause the real people inside to CEASE TO EXIST. Die? Sure! But I expect mangled corpses on the room
Cindee: wait, wut?
Martha: That what he says! Are we even watching the same show?
Cindee: I told you, I don’t remember it well. I didn’t bother rewatching because it is a holodeck episode, thus I knew the plot: go the holodeck, something goes terribly wrong, oh no the safety protocols are fucking broken again
Martha: Well that’s what he says, and Riker’s all ‘well give it a try’ and all that happens is the doors open. Nothing actually disappears. Also, they come out of the other door so they don’t even see Wesley and pals when they come out
Cindee: Did you just refer to Geordi, Riker, and Wesley as “Wesley and pals”
Martha: There are three other generic engineers. One is probably the new chief. Why is Geordi helping anyway?
Cindee: Geordi is good at engineering
Martha: Isn’t red military and command? And gold is engineering and, navigation? (Even though Geordi seems to do most of that…)
Cindee: Navigation is red for reasons I don’t understand. Gold is engineering and security.
Martha: Of course! Security. How did I forget Yar. Right so let’s take it back a little. We’ve seen Yar use the holodeck, and Riker. So, why do they all gather round to listen to Picard’s ‘tales of the holodeck’? Why doesn’t he show them? Don’t they already KNOW what it does?!
Cindee: The UPGRADES Martha, the UPGRADES
Martha: Also, they talk about AU TO MO BEEEEELS?
Cindee: Automobile is a valid word
Martha: and instead of the many things you could say about cars, pollution, the fuels they use TEENAGERS USE THEM FOR DATING RITUALS. Goddamnit it Data. Not everything is about sex!
Cindee: Dating is not the same as sex!
Martha: American teenagers have sexy car times Cindee. I know this! IVE SEEN MOVIES
Cindee: Well apparently so has Data. Ok, but wait here, why does the word automobile bother you?
Martha: Oh it doesn’t! That’s just how Worf says it. Cos ya know, he’s a Klingon. Has never had any contact with humans ever…
Cindee: How does Worf say it?
Martha: Au… to.. mo… beeeeels? With an inflection in beels
Cindee: Presumably they wanted to show how culture and technology have changes and Worf didn’t have anything else to do, so he got to say it
Martha: Also on new earth Halloween has been cancelled
Cindee: Well it is a stupid holiday
Martha: It’s not big here. It’s about 4000 times bigger in America it seems
Cindee: Star Trek is a utopian view of the future Martha. No crime, no poverty, no Halloween
Martha: So, whilst Picard is having a fun time this very important meeting starts to happen. Wesley is in Data’s seat?! Where’s O’Brien?! Bring back O’Brien. Or dare I say it, another actually qualified member of the crew
Cindee: Well O’Brien might be trying out a different job
Martha: How do you find Crusher on the holodeck?
Cindee: With a tricorder?
Martha: I felt she went a bit ‘silly woman’ all giggly etc, which is at odds with her normal persona
Cindee: Agreed. Perhaps she was trying to be historically consistent
Martha: Oh, ALSO Picard says when describing the holodeck (in his captains logs which make no sense, he’s like ‘I’m on the holodeck to see.’ He has so many logs that are present tense! When is he saying this?! As he’s doing it?
Cindee: Yeah, he never stops doing that. There will be a fucking crisis going on and Picard runs off to make a log
Martha: Well he clearly has no concept of appropriate timing for this. Because he should be using the holodeck on his ‘off’ times! Not as a stress reliever during work hours. Also! I love how he refuses to practice. Which is basically them saying ‘we can’t get him to say this same string of noises twice, make an excuse!’
Cindee: He practices for hours
Martha: Not on screen!
Cindee: Well that’d be a bit boring
Martha: How dare you.
Cindee: We just watch Patrick Stewart say some alien words for an entire episode over and over?
Martha: But yes a lovely light hearted joke at the end, whilst historian is bleeding out in sick bay
Cindee: There’s always a light-hearted joke. Hence my husband and I have our tradition of saying “HA HA HA HA HA HA, people died” at the end of the episode.
Martha: He’s definitely dead.
Cindee: Memory Alpha disagrees
Martha: If I don’t see him again he’s dead.
Martha had the strange idea to watch The Battle and chat with Cindee at the same time. The result was that everything is out of context and makes no sense. So, Cindee copied and pasted information from Memory Alpha so you know what is going on.
Martha: Ooooh the battle!
Cindee: *waits for it*
Martha: OH FUCK OFF FERENGIS
Cindee: yup, there it is
Dr. Crusher comes to see Picard in his quarters, where he complains of feeling fatigued and having a bad headache. She examines him and can find nothing wrong, but tells him to come to sickbay all the same.
Martha: Crusher has solved headaches. And is surprised that Picard has one.
Cindee: Yeah that seems very funny to me. Like, what is solving them exactly? A headache vaccine? Like maybe they have better painkillers, I’d buy that. But headaches just don’t happen?
Picard returns to the bridge and talks with the Ferengi captain, DaiMon Bok over the Enterprise’s viewscreen.
Martha: Daimon?? That’s not an alien name
Cindee: That is a title, like captain
Martha: Oh the Ferengi don’t mind visual contact a mere 3 episodes later
Cindee: I told you, that first episode is wildly inconsistent
Martha: You spelt SEASON wrong. This Ferengi seems a little nicer than the others. And a bit more chill.
Cindee: Or so he would have you believe
Martha: SPOILERS.
Cindee: spoilers? the title of the episode is “the battle.” WTF do you think is going to happen.
Martha: Wesley battles to have someone listen to him?
Picard goes to sickbay where Crusher examines him again, but fails to find any medical reason for his headaches.
Martha: AS SIMPLE AS A HEADACHE. Crusher is having none of it. Oh the days before they knew the NATURE OF PAIN.
Cindee: Well they’ve mapped the brain now. Once you map something, it can’t hurt anymore
Picard returns to the bridge, where Wesley Crusher arrives and tells Geordi La Forge that when he was boosting the range of the long-range sensors, he detected a ship approaching.
Martha: Ooooh rainbow jumper with a fabulous collar and fitted waist
Cindee: Ok, pause
Martha: Paused
Cindee: You need to buy these:
Martha: But why of all his fabulous jumpers is this the one that’s taken off? Is this his uniform now?
Cindee: I’m so sorry to be the one to break it to you, but, the sweaters are done for. UNPAUSE.
Picard is then hit by another headache, before ordering La Forge to zoom in on the approaching starship. It is the Stargazer, which the Ferengi found adrift, and are now giving to Picard. Bok says it will be a gift, free of charge, which his subordinates don’t like.
Martha: oh no, the headaches back. TROI CANNOT BELIEVE IT.
Cindee: Well of course not!
Martha: This headache is very distracting to poor Picard.
Cindee: Well, if you’d never had one before and got one, wouldn’t you think you were dying or something?
Martha: Oh god Troi felt the headache. A GUILT HEADACHE. NOT A THING. Hmmmm, this seems too good to be true.
Cindee: Them giving them the Stargazer?
Martha: Yes. even his mates don’t buy it…
Cindee: What are you talking about? It makes total sense to find a derelict starship that was responsible for the destruction of someone of your people’s ship and then give it back to the owners
Later in the observation lounge, Picard tells the crew about the battle. He then performed what is now known as the Picard Maneuver: he ordered a jump to high warp, making it appear to the Ferengi for a second that the Stargazer was in two places at once.
Martha: Okay Riker seems happier talking about the Picard Manoeuvre than he did on the sexy planet
Cindee: Picard is his hero. Side note, is that a typo or is that really how you spell maneuver?
Martha: Yes that’s how we spell it. IT’S FRENCH. AS FRENCH AS PICARD
Cindee: So . . . not very French?
Martha: How dare you. HE IZ ZE MOST FRENCH!
Cindee: With his British accent. Anyways, they’re on the Stargazer now?
Martha: They are. Picard left nudey mags in his cabin.
Cindee: How dare you
Martha: And a glowy Pokeball. Oh its a headache bomb.
Cindee: I was wondering what you’d call that thing
The return to the ship and sometime later Data shows Riker a personal log that Picard supposedly recorded, claiming that he attacked the Ferengi vessel without provocation and that the Ferengi ship was under a flag of truce.
Martha: Picard LIED?? Or they’ve messed with the records.
Cindee: but which is it?
Martha: This Pokeball is really messing with poor Picard
Cindee: Ok, so what exactly is a Pokeball?
Martha: You catch Pokemon in it. They shrink the Pokemon down and it lives in there
Cindee: So maybe it is the headache Pokemon in that one
Martha: Psyduck
Cindee: What is a Psyduck?
Cindee: Is that the headache Pokemon?
Martha: A Pokemon, and it gives itself headaches with its psychic power
Cindee: Alright then, so that’s what’s going on
Picard is in his quarters when Crusher arrives. He tells her the headache is worsening, and he is worrying about the battle and whether he did the right thing. Crusher gives him a sedative and puts him to bed.
Martha: Crusher is sticking floppy discs to Picard’s head
Cindee: well she needs to monitor his brain or something
Martha: Why has no one asked Wesley how to fix this headache?
Cindee: Just you wait
In Picard’s ready room, Data is informing Riker that the log is a forgery
Martha: Riker is so rude!
Cindee: How so?
Martha: Data tells him that some ‘checksom’ things don’t match in the logs, so Riker asks him what that means, he started to explain and Riker says, I DONT WANT A COMPUTER SCIENCE LESSON.
Cindee: That’s pretty typical
In sickbay, Dr. Crusher is discussing the headaches with Deanna Troi when Wesley enters. He tells her that he noticed the captain’s brain patterns were exactly the same as low intensity transmissions detected coming from the Ferengi ship.
Martha: Fuck off Wesley (says everyone!) From a quick glance I have solved all this.
Cindee: HE’S MOZART MARTHA
Martha: Dr Crusher is off to take all the credit. Oh Picard’s bloody beamed off the ship again.
Cindee: At least he didn’t beam into a cloud this time. Ok, so did the Daimon explain shit yet?
Martha: Yeah sorta. Picard killed his son
Cindee: right, so, basically a Star Trek II: Wrath of Khan ripoff
Martha: KHAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNN
Cindee: Yes. Kirk was indirectly responsible for the death of Khan’s wife.
Martha: I’ve only seen the Hot Spock version
Cindee: Well obviously this is not a rip-off of that one, as it didn’t exist yet
Riker realizes that he is going to use the Picard Maneuver, so he orders Data to come up with a suitable defense.
Martha: There is no defense against the Picard Manoeuvre
Cindee: Riker: “think of one anyways” Data: “oh ok, sure”
Kazago hails, and tells Riker that Bok has been removed from command for his part in this “unprofitable venture”.
Martha: Engaging in an unprofitable adventure
Cindee: I told you, Republicans. What I don’t get is, why do the Ferengi forbid the Pokeballs? They seem like they’d be pretty profitable.
Martha: Okay so that’s a win for Wesley. Oh and they gave up on inertia. Who didn’t listen in tractor beam conservation lecture after all!
Cindee: Also, they are towing that thing as sunlight speed. So its gonna take them centuries to get anywhere with it.
Martha: It’s so worth it though, for the nudey mags.
Cindee: I will not sit idly by while you insult Picard like that!
Martha: Have you decided to give a shit about our blog yet
Cindee: FFS woman, isn’t it late there?
Martha: It’s Saturday! And is it ever to late to talk about THIS NONSENSE
Cindee: Lol so… Justice
Martha: Okay firstly I haven’t managed to fully establish timelines from the star date log entries. I’m going to assume this is a while after the last episode?
Cindee: I have never once in my life thought to care about star dates.
Martha: I only care because to me, the loss of Singh weighs heavy on my heart. But no one else cares!
Cindee: Fair
Martha: So, my first and main issue comes fairly swiftly. They discuss what an ‘unusually lovely’ planet the find where everyone makes love at the drop of a hat ANY HAT! Smirks Yar the filthy bint. And what does Picard do immediately?!
Cindee: sends everyone down there to have sex?
Martha: ‘Wesley. Go see if that’s a nice place for young people to relax’
Cindee: Oh lol I forgot about that!
Martha: I’m going to suggest it’s a highly inappropriate place for young people Picard
Cindee: Well, to be fair, he doesn’t really understand children
Martha: And Riker is too busy thinking about his penis to intervene to stop you looking silly. (Riker you’re fired)
Cindee: I feel I should also point out it is a gross violation of the prime directive to have visited that planet at all
Martha: Oh Cindee you sweet summer child. The prime directive isn’t important until LATER! For now it’s sexy party episode 2: the entire planet
Cindee: Hence the irony
Martha: Now I’m not sure if it’s implied that Riker and Yar have already got their rocks off on their initial visit. I feel it’s heavily hinted at…
Cindee: you think so?
Martha: Are you being sarcastic? Am I being naive?
Cindee: No actually. I can’t tell… It’s been quite a while since I’ve seen it.
Martha: Well they’re both a little giggly. And they were the two in the initial party and they’re VERY happily received when they return…Troi gets some points back with her fantastic ‘shoulder pat’ when the guy nuzzles into her neck when she first meets him. Oh also Riker when they go down and they’re all about in their amazing outfits he goes. “They certainly are….. FIT” AND THEN THEY ALL RUN ABOUT
Cindee: Ok, so, yes, the episode is the super creepy sex episode. Established fact
Martha: Which bit in particular is creepy in Star Trek lore? Is it Wesley thinking he has to have sex?
Cindee: Lol you think he thinks he HAS to?
Martha: Is it Worf telling us he would DESTROY A HUMAN WOMAN and must restrain himself?
Cindee: He implies that several times throughout the franchise…
Martha: Oh so Wes, there’s an awkward moment when the girl is all ‘I want you to show me a game’ and poor Wesley is all ‘oh there are some games I don’t yet know about’ Then they all go for a lovely game of run and catch…
Cindee: Yeah that’s super super weird
Martha: I mean if Wesley had known he’d have chosen a better jumper as this jumper was terrible.
Cindee: hahaha, I’m not actually sure how old Wesley is supposed to be? 16?
Martha: How old do you have to be to go to Star Fleet academy? I realise he’s not there yet… or is he? Surely if he was the correct age he’d be there already. He has the smarts and connections.
Cindee: I dunno? 18? Like college? Point is, I have nothing against teenagers having sex, but I think it is creepy for an adult show to be making a thing of it.
Martha: Exactly! Even when he meets the lady she’s all ‘I don’t know your customs with young ones and love!’
Cindee: Okay s according to Memory Alpha he’s 15, so super creepy.
Martha: Definitely! Anyway, dialogue was generally a little hammy this episode, more than normal. Dr Crusher randomly interrupts people for seemingly no reason, she simply HAS to ask if everyone can go down to sexy planet.
Cindee: Right well, Picard wouldn’t have sex with her in the sexy party episode. Ok, so creepy sex show, but there’s also other things. Most of the episode isn’t about sex at all!
Martha: Oh so poor Worf, even tho he’s a creepy sexy destroyer. He got totally shot down this episode. He’s all ‘I reported that error’ And everyone’s all ‘ooooh what’s this error. What’s this?! Oooooh’
Martha: Oh I have more sex stuff. So when they first meet they’re basically dying to find a way to palm Wesley off on someone else so they can all go have creepy totally fine by the prime directive sexy time. Yar is anyone’s. She has fancied tonnes of people so far
Cindee: Sure, but same with Riker. It is also interesting we see absolutely no old people on this planet. It’s good Picard doesn’t go cause, since there’s no old people, that’d also be creepy
Martha: True. But he’s sexy Riker. Why didn’t Data get to go down. Surely as the sex robot he is he should have gone down. Though he’s busy having static alien balloons stuck to his head
Cindee: That does tend to occupy one’s time
Martha: Speaking of Picard, how old is he?
Cindee: well he was born in 2305, and it is now 2364, so 59.
Martha: He looks younger
Cindee: Well maybe he runs everywhere, too
Martha: Omg the running, ok, so Wesley runs off to play catch, and shows off his cartwheeling
Cindee: Meanwhile, Yar finds out that the peace and love people like capital punishment for ALL CRIMES!
Martha: And we see a suspicious white wall…. AND WHAT DOES A WHITE WALL MEAN
Cindee: I dunno, what does it mean?
Martha: That’s a forbidden area! Were told about it as Wesley hurtles over it
Cindee: oh right, cause you might disturb the flowers, Martha! I mean, you want flowers to grow, don’t you?
Martha: And the incredibly stiff mediators come over, running, naturally, to protect the flowers. Because Wesley is in a ‘punishment zone!’
Cindee: I mean, we have to discuss this capital punishment thing a minute more here.
Martha: What discussion is there to be had Cindee? Earth has decided that it’s bad therefore our rules are the best
Cindee: The show implies that Capital Punishment is totally effective! Hahahah if you want to live in a sexy world
Martha: And…I do. I truly do. Everyone is so fit. They all have sexy outfits. They run everywhere. There’s no crime… the plants are FINE
Cindee: But the show acts all liberal and then endorses a super conservative idea!
Martha: I mean it tries to turn tables on that by having them about to poison Wes for crimes against saplings But really that just enforced the idea that ‘it’s a bad idea for silly crimes’
Cindee: Yeah I know the show is overall anti-capital punishment, but I think they didn’t think it through very well, because its heavily implied that capital punishment is totally effective, when it so isn’t
Martha: Okay well Picard suddenly gets VERY bothered about the prime directive once he realises Wesley is in trouble.
Cindee: Even though he was totally cool with super duper breaking it just a few minutes ago. They get a little better at being more consistent with the prime directive over time…
Martha: Exactly. Like the sex is fine, them beaming down is fine, them beaming one of them UP is fine, but removing Wesley through beaming is NOT fine?
Cindee: Hahaha, well even if it was, god won’t allow it!
Martha: Well exactly, God didn’t allow it until a frankly crap speech
Cindee: You know there have been other episodes where they have said that they have to follow the laws of wherever they are, but they haven’t framed it as the prime directive in those.
Martha: And then the God was all ‘okay fine, I’ll sacrifice years of work with my children, I’ll leave them feeling quite upset and possibly go back to their previous violent lives, all cos this bald dude wants his kid back’ It didn’t make sense. He said something along the lines of ‘there is no justice if laws are absolute’ Well, why?
Cindee: I also wonder why god let them beam down in the first place. God has the power to stop beaming.
Martha: How many people on that planet have had people killed for breaking such rules in the past? But now God says ‘for him, for lovely Wesley Crusher, it’s fine’
Cindee: I thought it was implied that basically no one ever breaks rules, cause capital punishment is so fucking effective.
Martha: Anymore! But they had a transition period which made them ‘sad’ Though it’s not stated how long ago…
Cindee: Warning: this is definitely not the last time aliens worship other aliens as gods
Martha: Also in another example of Picard has no empathy, Wesley’s been imprisoned, Picard comes back with a sexy lady, and Dr Crusher is all ‘what’s happening with my son?’ and Picard doesn’t explain or give her any info AT ALL. He just leaves her hanging. Whilst he shows the alien the God ship. TAKE THAT PRIME DIRECTIVE!
Cindee: Well he didn’t want her to worry her pretty little head! Why DOES he show her the God ship anyways?
Martha: Cos HE wants to know what it is, Because it’s physical yet not, and there yet not etc
Cindee: Oh well, good reason…
Martha: It’s a purely selfish ‘what’s this eh?’ and she is really distressed by it, and the god nearly attacks them for messing with their children!
Cindee: Doesn’t she go up to the ship as a hostage anyways?
Martha: No. She does say that Basically Wesley is in prison. Picard’s like ‘he’s safe until sundown okay’ right so can someone come up with me? And she’s all I’ll go as a hostage to secure Wesley’s life. And Picard’s all ‘no I didn’t mean like that!’ I just want you to look at this god ship thing!!
Cindee: Lmao
Martha: So they go to the observation cupboard and she has a look.
Cindee: It is a really shitty god though, don’t you think? It could have intervened way earlier… and attack Data with bubbles
Martha: Well. It doesn’t do much You’re right in that it could stop them beaming. However it prefers to hide until they say ‘oi, thing off our starboard bow, what are you?!’ And then it’s all ‘heyyyyyyyyyyyy’
‘You’re not leaving any humans here are you like that other planet?’
And Picard’s like ‘nah not on this one, we just left some people on another one. That’s our mission!’ And then he kinda gets cross that this alien ship beat them to it
Cindee: Another reason the god is shitty in my opinion is that the people are terrified of it. What kind of a shitty god wants to scare the fuck out its worshippers. Random thought: so, they dropped some colonists off at a nearby planet, but didn’t know about this planet… implying that no one surveyed the area before deciding to colonize the other planet? That hardly seems like a good way of doing things
Martha: They seem fairly haphazard with what they do! And that’s an understatement
Cindee: Yeah, anywho, creepy sex planet, shitty god, prime directive bs
Martha: They still haven’t properly explained the prime directive to the audience. Probably because they don’t know what it is themselves…
Cindee: Maybe they assume it is known from TOS? Though it is inconsistent in that, too. There’s an episode in season 3 where they explain it a bit more in detail
Martha: Do they abide by it better afterwards
Cindee: They get pretty consistent with the part where you don’t mess with pre-warp cultures, they are still somewhat inconsistent beyond that.
Martha: Why is warp the benchmark?
Cindee: It is later implied that the Vulcans taught them not to bug pre warp people. MUCH later. Ok, but really good news, you’re almost a third of the way through the shitty first season! and then just make it through season 2 . . .
which is shorter cause of a writer’s strike!
Martha: Hooray!
Martha: Ze end of ze universe! She had a French accent!
Cindee: Alright alright
Martha: Sorry “French” Okay so I’ll go out on a limb and say this was the best episode so far?
Cindee: I hadn’t thought about it that way, I suppose it is.
Martha: However, it’s certainly not without things to discuss! First of all, in Naked Now the chief engineer was a woman. Now it’s a guy? Where has she gone?! It’s not even the deputy from Naked Now.
Cindee: In season 1, they change chief engineers like every 5 minutes. It’s kinda weird there isn’t a chief engineer among the main cast.
Martha: On a side note Wesley’s jumpers are a genuine delight. I hope there’s someone making them out there because I want them all.
Cindee: There is a particular one that ThinkGeek.com has made several items to look like
Martha: Fantastic, I would wear them all.
Cindee: Noted
Martha: So Wesley, or ‘the boy’ as he is mostly referred to. They seem to be setting him up as some child genius
Cindee: Really, what tipped you off?
Martha: Hah! He also gets the brunt of the random Picard angry outbursts this episode
“move!” “Don’t interrupt me!” “What is the boy doing here?!”
Cindee: What indeed…
Martha: Being the only character to actually know what’s going on, that’s what!
Cindee: Yeah that’ll get old fast though.
Martha: It makes me question the Star Fleet training!
Cindee: Like, it is meaningless or something? Cause this stupid boy can do all the things?
Martha: Well he’s the only one! So it’s both unnecessary and not fit for purpose
Cindee: Really he’s only an engineering genius, at the academy they have other topics.
Martha: Yet again Star fleet isn’t really following its own laws and is quite happy to kill an unknown alien to help themselves Which they have no knowledge of its physiology but can revive it at will whenever needed
Cindee: See, it’s Dr. Crusher who is the genius!
Martha:That’s where Wesley gets it from!
Cindee: I don’t remember them killing anyone this episode.
Martha: The time travel being, who says space and time and distance don’t exist, hey didn’t kill him. He was dying anyway or whatever, I get that
BUT THEY DIDNT KNOW THAT. They’re warned repeatedly that he won’t last.
Cindee: You think he’s dead?
Martha: No I think he’s fazed off somewhere else.
Cindee: Well that’s not the same as dead at all
Martha: My point is they don’t know this. They even say ‘better get what you need fast’ when she revived him again. Yes they didn’t kill him but they were prepared to.
Cindee: hmmmm I don’t know about that
Martha: Don’t make me get the script, I WILL!
Cindee: hahahaha. I feel like the traveler is going to be just fineMartha: Oh I loved Worfs pet!
Cindee: So, you’re a targ fan. OK. Seems like a targ is about us un-cat-like as can be
Martha: Obviously
I like the idea that Worf walks around thinking about him
And Picard thinks about the ship not existing
And that other guy thinks about fire.
Cindee: I find the idea that Worf had a targ difficult to accept
Martha: Wasn’t he raised by humans…
Cindee: Exactly
Martha: Wikipedia, I have glanced at it
Cindee: Wait you can’t do that!
Martha: I wanted to see where he came from before you told me all Klingons are cool now. Forgive me
Cindee: WELL. Maybe you should make your blog with Wikipedia then!
Martha: That would probably be much more helpful. I’m glad you agree.
Cindee: I’m plenty helpful
Martha: Wikipedia agrees that Picard was willing to sacrifice the traveller…
Cindee: No it doesn’t.Marha: It can do in a minute…
Martha: Okay I enjoyed the terrible jokes
‘Shall we call Dr Crusher?’
‘Why? IS SOMEONE ILL?!?’
Chortle
Cindee: I can’t remember, did anyone die in this episode? Like, actually die, not fade away
Martha: Just Picard’s compassion…
Cindee: hahahaha ok, No one died. Well that’s unusual
Martha: I feel on the whole this was a good non problematic episode. However
There was a man in a miniskirt, and whilst I’d love to think ‘wow, ahead of the times here Star Trek!’ I feel that’s not the case…
Cindee: Well, I think they wanted to think that they were
Martha: By having men in miniskirts as well as ladies?
Cindee: Yes. Supposedly they were planning on making Geordi gay but then chickened out on that
Martha: Is men in skirts a thing in TOS?
Cindee: No, but being inconsistently ahead of the times sure was. ALL the women had short skirts.
Martha: In TNG are they defending TOS by saying ‘oh I’m sure some offscreen guys had skirts too!’
Cindee: oh you mean like retroactively?
Martha: Yeah I guess I’m assuming it happened as a reaction
Cindee: I think that they were trying to be forward thinking, I don’t know that they were retconning TOS though.
Martha: Well I’ve already brought up Troi’s pilot outfit, so I assume other people noticed all women in TOS has little skirts
Cindee: Right but sexism
Martha: Okay. Let me go out on a limb and say that Picard, Riker, Data, Worf, La Forge, never rock the mini…
Cindee: Well, spoilers, but correct
Martha: Hahaha so, forward thinking but only background characters
Cindee: Correct
Martha: Interesting about La Forge
Cindee: Yeah too bad they didn’t go through with it WIMPS
Martha: I’d have though the obvious 80s choice would be to have Yar be gay.
Female, short hair, good at fighting, must be gay!
Cindee: WELL aren’t we heteronormative!
Martha: 80’s Star Trek is the most heteronormative of all the Heteronorms that have ever normed this planet!
But yeah, I guess I don’t have much to say on this one! All in all a half decent sci fi episode?
Cindee: I guess . . . I’ve seen better
Martha: Well I haven’t YOUVE SEEN WHAT IVE SEEN And it has not been good! Of the 6 I’ve seen this is the best. Like we have space/time/distance not existing being introduced. Some interaction with other vessel staff, even though he’s a douche.
Cindee: Hmmm. Yeah I think it’s okay Let me check my ranking list…
it is ranked 127
Martha: Do you have a ranking for it out of season 1 alone? Or season 1/2 alone?
Cindee: Ranked by season? What kind of a freak would do that…
Martha: FERENGIS ARE FUCKING ANNOYING. I HOPE THEY ARE NEVER IN ANOTHER EPISODE. But I know they will be. URGH!
Cindee: Did you watch the whole thing yet?
Martha: Yes!
Cindee: So, yes the Ferengi are in lots more episodes, but they change a lot
Martha: They best do. They literally jumped around doing jazz hands for the last five minutes
Cindee: They were supposed to be the “big” enemy for TNG, but that didn’t work out cause they’re silly. Really, the only consistent thing from this episode to the rest is that they like valuables and they’re sexist and don’t let women wear clothes. In the future, instead of being menacing, they basically just become Republicans
Martha: Oh god. Third/fourth episode now where someone is shocked there’s a woman in the party.
Cindee: Like I said, aliens in Star Trek are sexist, and humans act like we are not. Kinda like how in the U.S. people complain about sexism elsewhere and act like it’s not a thing here.
Martha: So, Worf’s sash, what is this? No one else has one.
Cindee: It’s him being Klingon-y. It has his family crest or whatever on it I think.
Martha: I see! Data continues to be delightful, I enjoyed the Chinese finger traps as bizarre as the inclusion was
Cindee: Really? I thought that was pretty stupid
Martha: It was stupid in that it made no sense in the context, they’re paralysed by an unknown entity, their life support is going to fail but LOL Data’s fingers are stuck. But in isolation I enjoyed it.
Cindee: Well in the grand tradition of our friendship, we are on opposite ends here. I dislike Data.
Martha: Well I’m only 4 episodes in and currently he’s a good foil to Picard who is too aggressive and serious currently.
Cindee: Touche. I just find some things about Data make no sense. Like him not knowing any idioms. I mean there are idiom books now, so there must be some in the future right? Unless they were all lost in WWIII?
Martha: I guess he needs a ‘thing’ if he’s perfect AI then, other than being a walking plot device (aka encyclopaedia) what purpose does he have (except sex robot…)
Cindee: I get him not getting human behavior . . but idioms?
Martha: I feel the prime directive was thrown out of the window this episode, despite it being a constant theme of it with Riker using it to show the humans worthiness to the Guardian of the (something) empire.
Cindee: The prime directive is WILDLY inconsistently applied in general.
Martha: So, my issue here, as soon as they find out that they are not in fact outgunned by the Ferengi, they immediately manipulate them and lie to them. (Which makes Picard’s little speech about trust pretty hypocritical). He forces them to break their cultural desire not to give visual communications.
Cindee. Hahaha. That’s not a thing in future episodes.
Martha: I mean even if it is a lie, they don’t know that. They claim to know nothing about the Ferengi
Cindee: Touche
Martha: They were happy for Yar to fight to the death to respect a culture last episode! I just found it a bit strange that they lie and manipulate, only back down on the lie when the Ferengi find out they are lying, and then say ‘wooooah don’t you trust us?!’ And then have Riker bang on about the prime directive in the same episode.
Cindee: Well, supposedly the prime directive applies differently to warp-capable species and non-warp-capable species. I always wondered if the people in Code of Honor were warp capable. It’s not clear.
Martha: Is that to do with the ‘don’t expose them to tech’ idea (from the movie don’t shoot me…)
Cindee: One of those shitty new movies? Unlike SOME people I can handle new movies that I don’t like being created in a favorite franchise without FREAKING OUT
Martha: Oh are you Star Wars shaming me?! ARE YOU?
Cindee: I sure am.
Martha: I found the insertion of ‘earth history that’s not a thing really’ a bit confusing. Maybe I wasn’t listening. We had ‘Yankee traders’ who were like, space pirates with a bit more honour. An Uncle Sam reference and then a random Picard soliloquy on the colours of the French flag…
Cindee: What? I don’t remember ANY of that. So, what’s not a thing? Uncle Sam is a thing and France does have a flag that has colors
Martha: Hahahah! Okay so they described the Ferengis as Yankee traders, which they explain as a sort of space merchant sailor who roamed around space in history looking for stuff to trade (but dodgy trade). Riker calls them his forbearers. And then someone mentions red white and blue and Picard is all ‘ahhhh, but in France we have it the right way, blue, white, red…’
Cindee: In his British accent?
Martha: Yes, all dreamily to himself. And then Data starts listing other red white and blue flags and RUINS THE MOMENT
Cindee: Fun fact: in Star Trek, all French people have British accents
Martha: Well that’s bizarre.
Cindee: Maybe in the future, you all will conquer France
Martha: It’s on my to do list
Cindee: Apparently though, you’ll let them keep their flag
Martha: On the subject of accents, does the ship have ‘sense oars’ or does Picard just say sensors weirdly..
Cindee: So, that’s not how you say it?
Martha: Well obviously…
Cindee: You’re probably unaware of this, not being an expert like me, but some British people pronounce words differently than other British people
Marth: I agree, and whilst I am no expert, no British person says ‘sensOARS’ with so much emphasis on the second syllable. I’ve checked with them all. Lastly, I think the only thing I really have to add was them ‘going to have a conference evaluation. Which is basically ‘let’s have a chat in this cupboard’
Cindee: wait wut
Martha: and you call yourself a trekkie… Picard said ‘lets have a conference evaluation’ and all of the characters that had names went into this little side cupboard to discuss what to do!’
Cindee: I mean they have conferences all the time, but not in a cupboard
Martha: Okay it was a tiny room, off the bridge. And considering he took 90% of the people on the bridge it made no sense
Cindee: It wasn’t this room?
Martha: Yes. It just didn’t seem necessary, unless they didn’t want those pesky no name computer guys to hear
Cindee: Well that room is not a cupboard. It’s plenty big.
Martha: But is it necessary.
Cindee: You don’t like to sit down around a table to discuss things at work? You prefer to have all conversations haphazardly wherever you happen to be? I mean Yar doesn’t even have a chair. All the other chairs on the bridge are facing the same direction.
Martha: Okay I see your point. But they didn’t sit down, they just stood around in the not-a-cupboard.
Cindee: I see.
Martha: Troi was useless this episode.
Cindee: Well that’s nothing new. Was Troi able to read their minds? In later episodes they claim Betazoids can’t read Ferengis.
Martha: Well in this episode her sense were blocked entirely by something, either the Ferengis or the force field. I don’t want more Ferengis.
Cindee: Well, sucks to be you. Like I said, they do change. They become Republicans.
Martha: Less jazz hands, more paying off porn stars?
Cindee: They are republicans in the sense that they are obsessed with capitalism
Martha: Money and naked ladies – checks out
Martha : Okay so first I have questions about the sexy party episode, and general questions. So, as you know I know nothing about Star Trek, for example I had no idea it was a travelling ‘community’ rather than just a crew exploring new planets. Like the families and everything. Is that new for TNG and does it continue throughout the whole thing?
Cindee: Oh yeah it’s extremely dangerous. Also, you know how in Encounter at Farpoint, they separate the ship into two parts to keep some people out of harm’s way? Yeah, well there are about a million times in the future where it would have made lots of sense to separate the ship to keep people safe. But they basically never do it.
Cindee: touché.
Martha: OH MAN WE HAVE TO COME BACK TO CALLOUSED FEELINGS! CALLOUSED FEELINGS CINDEE
Cindee: What are you rambling on about?
Martha: Dr Crusher says something about seeing death too much. And she wishes doctors got callouses on their feelings so they didn’t feel them anymore, and Picard’s all ‘maybe good doctors never get calloused feelings’
Cindee: Oh wow…
Martha: Okay one last thing!
Giving them a horse as a gift, and they give zero shits about the horse. He moves it away from himself immediately!
Cindee: Why DID they give him the horse anyways?
Martha: Like as an example of our ancient culture and how we have ~similarities~ They weren’t impressed with it. Though I do like Data correcting Picard
Cindee: Well then you’re gonna love this show!
Until the next time…
Martha: So time to get excited, Martha has started watching Star Trek on Netflix….
Cindee: Which one?
Martha: Okay so I’m hoping I’ve got this right. I’m watching TNG right now.
Cindee: Do you feel a strong need to have watched them all? Cause if not, skip straight to season 3. Seasons 1 and 2 are complete shit.
Martha: Oh, thank god. I was like what the fuck is this? Why does Cindee like this so bad?
Cindee: I’d have to say, of the three TNG era Star Treks, TNG by far has the worst pilot.
Martha: It’s fantastic. Riker being randomly suspicious of everything, including apples. Space jellyfish saying ‘thanks.’ The random Q guy’s appearances, and his ‘test’ which I’m still not ENTIRELY sure what it was.
Cindee: To be fair, Riker was right about the apples.
Martha: He was, BUT he’d already gone in there all “WOAHHHHH THIS IS WEIRDLY GOOD!”
Cindee: To be honest I haven’t seen that episode that many times on account of it being shit.
Martha: Does Troi get a bit less, annoying?
Cindee: Not really.
Martha: Great.
Cindee: Yeah, she was a step back for feminism. Wesley also remains annoying.
Martha: Well he’s a kid now so I can half deal with it. If he continues to be annoying we may need to have words. However, being the son of Dr. Crusher won’t help.
Cindee: Wait what do you have against her? I love her.
Martha: Just the fact she’s called Dr. Crusher, which sounds like a terrible 80’s children’s toy.
Cindee: Well, it WAS made in the 80s. I feel like we need a blog.