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Headache Pokeballs (AKA The Battle)

Martha had the strange idea to watch The Battle and chat with Cindee at the same time. The result was that everything is out of context and makes no sense. So, Cindee copied and pasted information from Memory Alpha so you know what is going on.

Martha: Ooooh the battle!

Cindee: *waits for it*

Martha: OH FUCK OFF FERENGIS

Cindee: yup, there it is

Dr. Crusher comes to see Picard in his quarters, where he complains of feeling fatigued and having a bad headache. She examines him and can find nothing wrong, but tells him to come to sickbay all the same.

Martha: Crusher has solved headaches. And is surprised that Picard has one.

Cindee: Yeah that seems very funny to me. Like, what is solving them exactly? A headache vaccine? Like maybe they have better painkillers, I’d buy that. But headaches just don’t happen?

Picard returns to the bridge and talks with the Ferengi captain, DaiMon Bok over the Enterprise’s viewscreen.

Martha: Daimon?? That’s not an alien name

Cindee: That is a title, like captain

Martha: Oh the Ferengi don’t mind visual contact a mere 3 episodes later

Cindee: I told you, that first episode is wildly inconsistent

Martha: You spelt SEASON wrong. This Ferengi seems a little nicer than the others. And a bit more chill.

Cindee: Or so he would have you believe

Martha: SPOILERS.

Cindee: spoilers? the title of the episode is “the battle.” WTF do you think is going to happen.

Martha: Wesley battles to have someone listen to him?

Picard goes to sickbay where Crusher examines him again, but fails to find any medical reason for his headaches.

Martha: AS SIMPLE AS A HEADACHE. Crusher is having none of it. Oh the days before they knew the NATURE OF PAIN.

Cindee: Well they’ve mapped the brain now. Once you map something, it can’t hurt anymore

Picard returns to the bridge, where Wesley Crusher arrives and tells Geordi La Forge that when he was boosting the range of the long-range sensors, he detected a ship approaching.

Martha: Ooooh rainbow jumper with a fabulous collar and fitted waist

Cindee: Ok, pause

Martha: Paused

Cindee: You need to buy these:

Martha: But why of all his fabulous jumpers is this the one that’s taken off? Is this his uniform now?

Cindee: I’m so sorry to be the one to break it to you, but, the sweaters are done for. UNPAUSE.

Picard is then hit by another headache, before ordering La Forge to zoom in on the approaching starship. It is the Stargazer, which the Ferengi found adrift, and are now giving to Picard. Bok says it will be a gift, free of charge, which his subordinates don’t like.

Martha: oh no, the headaches back. TROI CANNOT BELIEVE IT.

Cindee: Well of course not!

Martha: This headache is very distracting to poor Picard.

Cindee: Well, if you’d never had one before and got one, wouldn’t you think you were dying or something?

Martha: Oh god Troi felt the headache. A GUILT HEADACHE. NOT A THING. Hmmmm, this seems too good to be true.

Cindee: Them giving them the Stargazer?

Martha: Yes. even his mates don’t buy it…

Cindee: What are you talking about? It makes total sense to find a derelict starship that was responsible for the destruction of someone of your people’s ship and then give it back to the owners

Later in the observation lounge, Picard tells the crew about the battle. He then performed what is now known as the Picard Maneuver: he ordered a jump to high warp, making it appear to the Ferengi for a second that the Stargazer was in two places at once.

Martha: Okay Riker seems happier talking about the Picard Manoeuvre than he did on the sexy planet

Cindee: Picard is his hero. Side note, is that a typo or is that really how you spell maneuver?

Martha: Yes that’s how we spell it. IT’S FRENCH. AS FRENCH AS PICARD

Cindee: So . . . not very French?

Martha: How dare you. HE IZ ZE MOST FRENCH!

Cindee: With his British accent. Anyways, they’re on the Stargazer now?

Martha: They are. Picard left nudey mags in his cabin.

Cindee: How dare you

Martha: And a glowy Pokeball. Oh its a headache bomb.

Cindee: I was wondering what you’d call that thing

The return to the ship and sometime later Data shows Riker a personal log that Picard supposedly recorded, claiming that he attacked the Ferengi vessel without provocation and that the Ferengi ship was under a flag of truce.

Martha: Picard LIED?? Or they’ve messed with the records.

Cindee: but which is it?

Martha: This Pokeball is really messing with poor Picard

Cindee: Ok, so what exactly is a Pokeball?

Martha: You catch Pokemon in it. They shrink the Pokemon down and it lives in there

Cindee: So maybe it is the headache Pokemon in that one

Martha: Psyduck

Cindee: What is a Psyduck?

Cindee: Is that the headache Pokemon?

Martha: A Pokemon, and it gives itself headaches with its psychic power

Cindee: Alright then, so that’s what’s going on

Picard is in his quarters when Crusher arrives. He tells her the headache is worsening, and he is worrying about the battle and whether he did the right thing. Crusher gives him a sedative and puts him to bed.

Martha: Crusher is sticking floppy discs to Picard’s head

Cindee: well she needs to monitor his brain or something

Martha: Why has no one asked Wesley how to fix this headache?

Cindee: Just you wait

In Picard’s ready room, Data is informing Riker that the log is a forgery

Martha: Riker is so rude!

Cindee: How so?

Martha: Data tells him that some ‘checksom’ things don’t match in the logs, so Riker asks him what that means, he started to explain and Riker says, I DONT WANT A COMPUTER SCIENCE LESSON.

Cindee: That’s pretty typical

In sickbay, Dr. Crusher is discussing the headaches with Deanna Troi when Wesley enters. He tells her that he noticed the captain’s brain patterns were exactly the same as low intensity transmissions detected coming from the Ferengi ship.

Martha: Fuck off Wesley (says everyone!) From a quick glance I have solved all this.

Cindee: HE’S MOZART MARTHA

Martha: Dr Crusher is off to take all the credit. Oh Picard’s bloody beamed off the ship again.

Cindee: At least he didn’t beam into a cloud this time. Ok, so did the Daimon explain shit yet?

Martha: Yeah sorta. Picard killed his son

Cindee: right, so, basically a Star Trek II: Wrath of Khan ripoff

Martha: KHAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNN

Cindee: Yes. Kirk was indirectly responsible for the death of Khan’s wife.

Martha: I’ve only seen the Hot Spock version

Cindee: Well obviously this is not a rip-off of that one, as it didn’t exist yet

Riker realizes that he is going to use the Picard Maneuver, so he orders Data to come up with a suitable defense.

Martha: There is no defense against the Picard Manoeuvre

Cindee: Riker: “think of one anyways” Data: “oh ok, sure”

Kazago hails, and tells Riker that Bok has been removed from command for his part in this “unprofitable venture”.

Martha: Engaging in an unprofitable adventure

Cindee: I told you, Republicans. What I don’t get is, why do the Ferengi forbid the Pokeballs? They seem like they’d be pretty profitable.

Martha: Okay so that’s a win for Wesley. Oh and they gave up on inertia. Who didn’t listen in tractor beam conservation lecture after all!

Cindee: Also, they are towing that thing as sunlight speed. So its gonna take them centuries to get anywhere with it.

Martha: It’s so worth it though, for the nudey mags.

Cindee: I will not sit idly by while you insult Picard like that!

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Sexy Party Disease (AKA The Naked Now) and Calloused Feelings (things you need if you want to successfully watch Code of Honor)

Martha : Okay so first I have questions about the sexy party episode, and general questions.  So, as you know I know nothing about Star Trek, for example I had no idea it was a travelling ‘community’ rather than just a crew exploring new planets. Like the families and everything. Is that new for TNG and does it continue throughout the whole thing?

 

Cindee: It is new for TNG. DS9 also has families. VOY sort of does, but not on purpose.

 

Martha: Is that not dangerous? Toting families around whilst they go and fight the Borg and whatever other big baddies are gonna turn up?

 

Cindee: Oh yeah it’s extremely dangerous. Also, you know how in Encounter at Farpoint, they separate the ship into two parts to keep some people out of harm’s way? Yeah, well there are about a million times in the future where it would have made lots of sense to separate the ship to keep people safe. But they basically never do it.

 

Martha: I guess I don’t see the purpose of anyone other than the crew being on the ship. A space station or, god forbid, Farpoint Station, sure, but why on the ship?!

 

Cindee: No clue, so that Picard could have some children to be afraid of?
Martha: It’s okay he has Riker so he doesn’t make an ass of himself.
YOU HAVE ONE JOB RIKER! Okay so let’s just sputter out my sexy party issues. As you know I watched it again for, terrible reasons. I kinda love Data. I love that his version of a wild party is bendy straws scattered about the Tsiokovsky, aka sexy party death ship where  they partied themselves into a sexy grave…Also, am I to assume the ‘ships stores’ have pretty much anything the plot requires? Such as super skimpy outfits for Yar…

 

Cindee: Oh, she probably replicated that

 

Martha: She goes to visit Troi for clothing advice (COS WOMAN) and then she’s all ‘oh the ships stores will have what I need’

 

Cindee: Oh really? Ok that’s not a thing later on in the series, they just replicate the stuff they need.

 

Martha: We shall ignore the sexy Data occurrence. I want to know more of her backstory without it being a quite seedy segue into her wanting to bang Data.

 

Cindee: more of Yar’s backsory?

 

Martha: Yeah
Cindee: Hmm, ok

 

Martha: Well I guess I’m torn on Yar. On the one hand she started off as a good antidote to Troi’s ‘emotional sensitive woman’ spiel, but in Code of Honour she pissed me off, the pair of them!

 

Cindee: Is there anyone in Code of Honor who didn’t piss you off? ‘cause, that episode is pretty messed up all around.

 

Martha: Wesley…

 

Cindee: 😀

 

Martha: I’d like to think Michael Dorn noped on out of there which is why no Worf.
Cindee: yeah I dunno why he wasn’t in the episode.

 

Martha: To my knowledge it wasn’t referenced.  So, I mean there are clear issues with the depiction of this culture which are ‘primitive’ and believe in abducting people as a jolly good laugh

 

Cindee: And that they are for some inexplicable reason all black!
Martha: Also ‘they’ll evolve out of it’
Cringe.

 

Cindee: Right, and I don’t know how much you know about the Jim Crow era in the south in the U.S., but a lot of the moral panic that white people had about black people is that they thought that black men were out to get white women, so here we have an episode with a black guy kidnapping a white woman.

 

Martha: But, you do find him attractive though Cindee? This guy who just kidnapped you, and who has held you prisoner. Kinda dreamy right?

 

Cindee: Hah!  Wait, does Yar say she finds him attractive at some point?

 

Martha: She says it TWICE! Troi makes her say it by telling everyone she can tell she fancies him, and then she says it again later on!!

 

Cindee: Wow, I think I was so distracted by the blatant racism that I didn’t notice the sexism. So Yar basically has Stockholm Syndrome…

 

Martha: Oh the sexism is RIFE!

 

Don’t get me wrong the racism is strong and it is there but it definitely clouds the sexism, we need to look at both! Both are literally referred to as ‘Highly pleasant but unimportant’

 

Cindee: I agreed, both are an issue. Who said that?

 

Martha: Yutan. The ‘leader’ though it turns out that the women own all the land and whoever’s ‘wife’ has the most land is the leader So, they tried? Do we count that as a try?

 

Cindee: Oh right. Well that’s part of a long tradition in Star Trek of other cultures being sexist and us pretending ours isn’t. And  no, that does not count as a try ?

 

Martha: In the frankly AMAZING pole dancing fight to the death at the end the leader isn’t bothered if his wife dies as it means he will get the land
(which his friend reminds him of and he smiles, but then the wife still leaves her husband for his friend at the end!)

 

Cindee: I had forgotten all these details. I mostly just remembered the racism and never watched it again.

 

Martha: The fight is amazing. There are many poles and at the start they literally slalom between them like dogs at agility courses, how that helps them in this fight I don’t know Plus the leaders wife, Yareena  has an amazing sparkly fight jumpsuit.

 

Cindee: And, this is a rip off of a TOS episode in many ways, though I don’t think that one had the racism

 

Martha: Why are they doing that? Two episodes in a row, not counting the pilot

 

Cindee: Fan service?

 

Martha: Is it a service to just remake what people have already seen…
Oh that’s a question I have. Are the characters roughly comparable?

 

Cindee: Hmm, good question, I mean, Data is Spock
Martha: Yeah so, Picard/Kirk? Data/Spock…
Cindee: I think I read somewhere once that Picard and Riker were supposed to be the two halves of Kirk or something stupid like that.
Like Picard is the principled half and Riker is the sexy half.

 

Martha: Well speaking of I’m not looking forward to Riker’s goatee.
Cindee: You prefer beardless Riker? I think I associate beardless Riker with shitty episodes in my mind

 

Martha: Oh random Picard outburst of the day, when asking Wes to come onto the bridge (to get in his mums good books/pants) and he doesn’t immediately rush to go the one places he’s been told not to Picard is suddenly shouting ‘IS THE WHOLE SHIP DEAF?!?’ which I thought you would appreciate!

 

Cindee: Oh yeah, I love me some audism

 

Martha: Also, Wesley’s jumpers = fantastic!

 

Cindee: Wesley goes through all sorts of great outfits

 

Martha: I’m glad Troi’s less skimpy uniform has stayed at least two episodes

 

Cindee: She also has tons of wardrobe changes.  Eventually some guy makes Troi put on an actual uniform and they act like that guy is some sort of monster for doing so. But, spoilers. They let Dr. Crusher have a uniform though!

 

Martha: Okay so did Picard kill her husband? Or was it kinda his fault?
What is that backstory!

 

Cindee: Oh right, Jack Crusher. Picard didn’t kill him, but he died under his command.

 

Martha: So to allay his guilt he is clearly gong to get with Dr Crusher?

 

Cindee: Um, spoilers!

 

Martha: He has hit on her in three episodes out of three!
I mean the pilot is reaching but I thought Wesley was maybe his kid cos he was so awkward and his whole ‘I HATE KIDS RIKER HELP’ speech

 

Cindee: Haha, Wesley is not his kid

 

Martha: THAT WE KNOW OF SO FAR. There’s a new season with Picard right
Who knows what will out…

 

Cindee: touché.

 

Martha: OH MAN WE HAVE TO COME BACK TO CALLOUSED FEELINGS! CALLOUSED FEELINGS CINDEE

 

Cindee: What are you rambling on about?

 

Martha: Dr Crusher says something about seeing death too much. And she wishes doctors got callouses on their feelings so they didn’t feel them anymore, and Picard’s all ‘maybe good doctors never get calloused feelings’

 

Cindee: Oh wow…

 

Martha: Okay one last thing!

Giving them a horse as a gift, and they give zero shits about the horse. He moves it away from himself immediately!

 

Cindee: Why DID they give him the horse anyways?

 

Martha: Like as an example of our ancient culture and how we have ~similarities~ They weren’t impressed with it. Though I do like Data correcting Picard

 

Cindee: Well then you’re gonna love this show!

 

Until the next time…