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Girls Can’t Do Math (AKA Coming of Age)

Martha: Better luck next time, Wesley! That girl he was up against was basically you. Calling him obnoxious.

Cindee: Nah, if it was me, I’d have won

Martha: Yeah she sucked. All her smack talk was for nothing. She never even completed one round that we saw!!

Cindee: Well, girls can’t do math

Martha: I’m not sure why the kid at the start (who ran away terribly) thought he had a chance of getting in. The Aldeans didn’t even think you were special! Also, something vague is wrong with the enterprise!

Cindee: Yeah, let’s set that part aside for the moment. They are setting up another episode.

Martha: Riker has began his long love affair with the chair vault.

Cindee: Oh is this where it started?

Martha: Yes I think so. I’ve been keeping an eye out and he hasn’t so far!

Cindee: Interesting!

Martha: Anyway, Wesley threatens a massive guy with violence! I would imagine that would not end well for him.

Cindee: That is actually my most favorite part of the episode. This entire species has the same feelings about “curtesy.” Which is comical to me, because generally people think the behavior of their culture is curtesy and that others are violating it, when really they’re just following their own norms. But apparently this entire fucking species apparently has the same cultural norms!

Martha: Yeah. You’d assume there would be a general star fleet code though. Clearly based on superior humans.

Cindee: Well it always is. In case you haven’t picked up on it, humans = Americans

Martha: Also often Worf is told that his star fleet loyalties come before his Klingon culture

Cindee: Yes but Troi is not told that about her Betazoid culture

Martha: UH DUH COS ITS HELPFUL. Things only matter cos they’re helpful to humans…

Cindee: Like Americans!

Martha: So why does this guy get to be a dick? Though I guess we could pass it off as ‘it was alllll a test’

Cindee: Like I said, it is setting up another, worse episode

Martha: Which bit is a setup, the investigation?

Cindee: Yes

Martha: I feel like the lower ranked guy gets a bad deal. He is made to interrogate everyone on the paranoia of the admiral. Everyone hates him. Picard may as well have said ‘YOU WISH WHAT’ with his eye roll when he said he’d really like a job in the Enterprise. So his career prospects are tanked cos of some guy, who Picard still likes! I feel we as the audience are supposed to be like ‘you’ll never join our enterprise!!!’ But really that’s guys done nothing wrong!

Cindee: Cause he was following orders

Martha: Oh don’t Picard quote me. Don’t you dare.

Cindee:

Martha: Well, the list of Enterprise fuck ups and deaths speaks for itself!

Cindee: Anyways, Wesley is scared of his psychological exam, and Worf gives him a pep talk

Martha: Hahaha in the holodeck of all places

Cindee: Did the safety protocols go offline?

Martha: They didn’t but they never actually switched it on. Wesley was just hanging in the checkered room.

Cindee: That’s quite odd. And Worf just happens upon him? “Hmmmm, I’ll just wander into this holodeck to see if anyone is loitering in it”

Martha: I think Worf comes in for some RnR/ death wish action and is all ‘hullo Wesley!’

Cindee: Worf tells Wesley not to worry. Wesley does his thing and it’s about his dad of course

Martha: Soooooo. Did Picard not drag his dad through steam?! Did Picard leave his dad clinging to a pipe?

Cindee: Picard had to choose between two people

Martha: And because he fancied Dr. Crusher, he let her husband die?

Cindee: Sigh. Jack was his best friend!

Martha: So why did he let him die Cindee?

Cindee: that is never really explained

Martha: So you don’t know for sure that I’m wrong…

Cindee: Oh FFS. Next you’re gonna start spouting your theory that Picard is Wesley’s dad

Martha: He loves Wesley. It’s so obvious.

Cindee: He’s more like an uncle.

Martha: So anyways, Wesley follows Worf’s advice, and then doesn’t get into starfleet. So it’s Worf’s fault

Cindee: No, Wesley succeeds at the psych exam. its later that he loses.

Martha: It’s not really explained how. Blue guy is just better generally. And both girls sucked, obviously.

Cindee: Well yes, girls are bad at math. They probably don’t learn calculus until they’re 12 or something. Anyways, you should be glad, now he’ll stick around.

Martha: So it’s all good. And no one died! Wesley doesn’t get into Starfleet at age 16 or whatever.

Cindee Anyways, didn’t you kinda know he’d fail? Since, then he’d be gone? Off at the academy?

Martha: I didn’t know the nature of the training. Is it a literal ‘off to college you go’ school?

Cindee: Yes. 4 years, in San Fransisco.

Martha: What?! Noooo this cannot do. How long would it take to get back to Earth from where

Cindee: Not that long, they go back to Earth frequently

Martha: Ah okay.

Cindee: And in the meantime investigaty guy found nothing

Martha: Picard gives up a job in an episode set up which makes no sense to anyone who doesn’t know that. We just get a lot of people saying how marvelous Picard is!

Cindee: Which he isn’t . . . yet

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Crusher and Crusher’s Magic Routine (AKA When the Bough Breaks)

Martha: Okay so there are apparently 7 children on the Enterprise?

Cindee: They very clearly stated that they took the most special ones

Martha: No way is that little ginger kid special

Cindee: Don’t tell me you’re one of those

Martha: What’s one of those?!

Cindee: People who don’t like red headed people

Martha: Haha my mum is ginger! So the answer to your question is yes. No that child is just annoying and clearly hates her parents!

Cindee: Says the women who just said she doesn’t like her mom

Martha: I don’t just run off with other random women Cindee!

Cindee: She didn’t run off, she was beamed off

Martha: Hahaha! She was well into it until Wesley was all ‘FFS we’re on hunger strike!’

Cindee: They kinda all were, except Wesley. The kid with the mind reading sculpting thing was pretty happy

Martha: Yeah Harry wasn’t interested in leaving really. Cos FUCK CALCULUS.

Cindee: Yeah they teach calculus at 10 apparently

Martha: Although his art dad is a liar. ‘Do I have to do calculus?’ ‘No…. what’s calculus’ HOW DO YOU KNOW HE DOESN’T HAVE TO DO IT THEN?

Cindee: Ok, I can’t believe we’re not first discussing the notion that they teach calculus at 10 in the future

Martha: I’m not smart enough to know what calculus is. Is it super fancy maths?

Cindee: It is a kind of math, yes. In the U.S. it is generally taken in late high school or in college.

Martha: They just unsterilised a whole bunch of people. Calculus is the least of my worries!

Cindee: I know it is a throwaway scene but I think it is a really telling reflection of American notions of education. I mean, people are always saying this silly fact here that “we only use 10% of our brain” What on earth does that mean? And how do they know it? And we have this notion here that we are “losing” at education and the answer is to teach our kids more and faster. Then we take away things like recess and stuff, and for what?

Martha: Erm we mapped the brain Cindee. And only like 10% had stuff on. Okay so let’s go back to the beginning as I have many issues. Firstly, Crusher kicks off when the people beam aboard because they haven’t been through decontamination.

Cindee: Yes

Martha: When has ANYONE been through decontamination before?

Cindee: The transporter does it when it beams people. It’s a well-established fact.

Martha: And they’re sterile . . . seriously how does restoring the ozone layer make them fertile again?! THATS NOT A THING

Cindee: They don’t just restore the ozone, they do some medical treatments, too

Martha: ‘And we know they’ll be great parents because they kidnapped ours and made a dolphin’

Cindee: I can’t believe you’re not noticing the fact that the show claimed that in the 21st century, there was an infertility epidemic on earth!

Martha: Well to be fair she just said that the ozone layer was failing…

Cindee: And that it caused the infertility!

Martha: Well maybe they thought it was going to… Making us all pale….And photosensitive

Cindee: Star Trek has a nice long history of wildly predicting all sorts of things in the near future. Like, TOS claimed in the 1990s there were be some Eugenics Wars where genetically engineered people were all like “woah we’re superior” and tried to take over and then in DS9, even though that clearly never happened, they still act like it did! Personally, I’m looking forward to 2024, we’re gonna solve inequality then.

Martha: But anyway, Riker has been the most suspicious man ever on all occasions apart from this one time when he needed to be suspicious. And Wesley has a new skill: sleight of hand!

Cindee: well apparently he and his mom have a magic routine they’ve been practicing

Martha: That explains it!

Cindee: Ok, so let’s recap for our reader. We’re all over the place here.

Martha: How dare you

Cindee: Picard summons Riker to the bridge cause in the couple of months he’s known him, he has learned Riker is obsessed with some stupid story. Riker tells the story, and then it becomes real!

Martha: And he’s not suspicious even though he’s always suspicious. Troi is suspicious. But no one cares.

Cindee: Other than the apples in the pilot, when else his Riker been suspicious?

Martha: He was suspicious about the space station

Cindee: That’s the same episode!

Martha: No the one with evil Picard!

Cindee: Oh fine. Anyways, so yes, Troi has some oddly specific read on these people

Martha: INCREDIBLY SPECIFIC!

Cindee: “they want something that we will not want to give them!”

Martha: ALSO! She says she feels hundreds (thousands?) of minds. When they can’t see the planet

Cindee: So?

Martha: There’s 9, Troi.

Cindee: That we see

Martha: He says there are few left. And the fish are dead, Cindee. And the dolphins are all wooden.

Cindee: I don’t think he literally meant a few

Martha: I don’t think 7 children are sufficient to placate thousands of people. Or restart a species.

Cindee: I dunno, Adam and Eve’s sons did it somehow

Martha: Biblical incest

Cindee: Ok, well this will be non-biblical incest

Martha: This episode had no sex. Yet here we are…

Cindee: Well, that’s on you. ANYWAYS, the people beam aboard with a giant cornucopia.

Martha: Much to Crusher’s fury. Crusher is upset they haven’t been decontaminated.

Cindee: They leave on account of the bright lights

Martha: Like gremlins

Cindee: And then beam down Riker, Troi, and Crusher and Picard is like INTERESTING CHOICES. WTF does that mean Picard?

Martha: WOMEN

Cindee: Yeah . . .

MarthaL Clearly they enjoyed Crusher’s cardigan. With her big pockets.

Cindee: It’s a lab coat. She’s a doctor.

Martha: It’s a cardigan

Cindee: Lab coat

Martha: Lab cardigan

Cindee: Meanwhile, on the planet we learn that other species don’t give a shit about their kids

Martha: You take that back! That ginger kid is adored! Wesley gets level 3 clearance to… something and stuff and things! Wooden dolphin! Mind music! And I’m sure the other 3 no one cared about did stuff!

Cindee: No, I mean how Troi is like “humans are unusually attached to their children”

Martha: Oh indeed!! Fucking weird humans.

Cindee: I don’t remember what happened next,  just that later they swipe the kids

Martha: Basically they’re all ‘oh clearly you won’t give them up, whatever’ and nick them

Cindee: And that the custodian predicted Wesley would be the leader

Martha: Well he got that right

Cindee: NO SHIT SHERLOCK HE’S THE OLDEST

Martha: Imagine if little Alexandra was the boss. With her fluffy toy.

Cindee: They’d have never left. They’d all just be playing hide and seek still. So, the kids are bizarrely not that upset and they all get their mind reading art tools.

Martha: Well as Crusher says, they knew what they signed up for. Clearly the children were told that ‘hey, you might get kidnapped.’

Cindee: And the children signed terms of service agreement. But they were like the iTunes agreement, no one read them!

Martha: I promise not to sue star fleet:

A) if we’re kidnapped

B ) if the holodeck kills us

C ) if we are mentally scarred by being forced to do RnR on a sex planet

D) if we trust the wrong Data and get eaten by a crystal entity

E) if a space jellyfish stings us

F) if our hope is crushed by a terrible hug from Picard

Cindee: Yeah, that whole “Picard is afraid of kids” thing is back. This time Riker’s not there to protect him.

Martha: YOU HAD ONE JOB RIKER

Cindee: Then Crusher and Crusher do their magic routine.

Martha: I thought this planet was super advanced. How did she not see that? How didn’t they realise she had tech in her massive lab cardigan pockets?

Cindee: Because Martha, they’re all dumb from being dependent on their computer! They only things they can do are operate mind-reading art tools!

Martha: That was a big missed opportunity plot wise too. They knew nothing about the computer. We know nothing about the computer other than the shield it made affected the ozone layer. And I guess they’re gonna have to switch it off?

Cindee: So they fling the Enterprise away, and meanwhile Wesley fancies himself to be Ghandi

Martha: And does nothing except find the kids

Cindee: Yes and teach them about passive resistance. The Enterprise returns and the old guy asks Picard to make the kids eat

Martha: Like this place is too soft. If you really want the kids fling the enterprise off properly

Cindee: Meanwhile, Riker and Data are sneaking about on a hostile planet, and don’t have their phasers. Riker doesn’t even bring his own tricorder!

Martha: ERM HE HAS NO POCKETS.

Cindee: Data gives up real fast on breaking into the computer and “scrambles” it instead, whatever that means

Martha: Which could have been handy if Wesley could have used his access to save them. But no. No plot for you!

Cindee: True. He tells Picard he understands the computer and Picard is like “that’s nice”

Martha: It ended up very similar to sexy planet, with them just beaming them off. Instead of a god it was a shield

Cindee: There was no speech. Also, they hung around and helped them with their problems, cause humans are better than other species

Martha: Data needs to remember what Picard told him: everything is impossible, until it is not…

Cindee: Do not question a Picardism, Martha

Martha: Well it’s fine if he lived by it himself. It’s only Data who has to solve impossible century old problems on a daily basis

Cindee: like the Picard maneuver?

Martha: Yes It’s impossible to get through this shield! Only cos you haven’t bothered to find a way yet Data!

Cindee: Anyways, in a terrifying ending, Picard has to be hugged by a child. And everyone laughs, which is stupid, but at least not insulting to anyone’s memory.

Martha: Yeah no one actually died!

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Shut Up, Wesley! (AKA Datalore)

Martha: Oh this is kinda sad. I’m still watching. I’m just sad.

Cindee: Because?

Martha: Data has found his unassembled brother. I mean he’ll probably end up evil and ruin everything

Cindee: what makes you think that?

Martha: Well I guess cos they’re not gonna go through life with two data’s. So he can’t be nice.

Cindee: Maybe he’s nice but dies

Martha: That’s also sad

Cindee: Oh right

Martha: OMFG. RIKER ASKED IF IT HAD A PENIS.

Cindee leaves Martha and does something more interesting for a while.

Martha: I have many problems with that episode. Let’s double down and watch Angel One

Cindee: Wait you’re watching Angel One already?

Martha: I can pause!

Cindee: So, you were right, Lore is evil

Martha: Yeah, I guess it was to be expected

Cindee: Really his name should have been a dead giveaway. What’s the opposite of fact? Fiction. What’s the opposite of Data? Evil.

Martha: It was sad that Data wanted a brother and he was just mean to him throughout

Cindee: Data has so many damn relatives for a robot though. Like every other episode someone comes along and is like “you might say I’m like your aunt” and then everyone is like YEAH!

Martha: So let me see if I have the story right. Soong created Lore. He was too lifelike. Soong started making Data. Lore called the crystal thing to kill the planet. The farmers took Lore apart and carefully put him away. Soong was happy with this. Soong put data outside with a clock. Because, reasons. Crystal thing turned up and killed people.

Cindee: That is not completely accurate. The problem with Lore wasn’t that he was too lifelike, that’s just what Lore says. The problem was that he was evil!

Martha: Ok, but I still don’t understand who got made when and when did everyone die and how and when

Cindee: No one does really. Data has quite a complicated family for a fucking robot.

Martha: Okay as long as I’m as confused as everyone else

Cindee: I also don’t understand why, in like 2 decades, no one else has gone to this planet to investigate what happened

Martha: The whole episode makes zero sense. Data isn’t interested in the approach to his home world. EVERYONE IS SURPRISED. You guys do realise you have given no shits about where you were going this entire time? You were on the goddamn holodeck last approach Picard!! They bring Lore aboard. They teach him about the ship. They let him have full access to ship files. Crusher scolds data for not trusting his brother. THEN THEYRE ALL ‘I WONDER WHERE DATAS LOYALTIES LIE’ What?! Why do you suddenly not trust the guy you’ve lived with for YEARS but trust the random new one?!

Cindee: Technically, they’ve lived with him for a few months. But ok, It makes zero sense. I thought that the multiple robots and Wesley saving the day would make you happy!

Martha: I did enjoy that but I was frustrated because he was the only one with a half sensible approach!  I don’t think I have anything else to say on Datalore

Cindee: Maybe you should skip to season 3 after all . . .

Martha: I have 16 mins left of Angel One. And fuck me it’s a piece of shit so far

Cindee: Yeah . . .

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The Holodeck is a Death Trap (AKA The Big Goodbye)

Prologue

Martha: Can you die in the holodeck?

Cindee: in theory, no. There are these things called “safety protocols” that are supposed to prevent bad things from happening

Martha: Like bullets don’t do anything, for example

Cindee: In theory

Martha: So, if the safety protocols break the hologram bullets become ACTUAL BULLETS

Cindee: That’s basically the plot of every fucking holodeck episode

Martha: WHO IS IN CHARGE?!

Cindee: Of what?

Martha: Like recently they said, when the ship started failing, that a ship this new couldn’t possibly be failing. So, who is in charge of maintaining the holodeck?!

Cindee: The engineering staff

Martha: Well, if they didn’t switch them out every so often maybe someone could get experience, and do their job properly!

Cindee: I mean, every time it happens, they act surprised. Also, they get fucking locked in the holodeck somehow, obviously

Martha: This is just simple poor maintenance. Also, how is detective noir necessary for space training?

Cindee: The holodeck is for recreation, not training. They go there to unwind, but then something goes terribly wrong, including the damn safety protocols

Martha: How does anyone get locked in anywhere

Cindee: They have some damn contrived reason every time, the reasons vary

Martha: Get Wesley on the case

Cindee: . . .

Post-Episode

Matha: HAHAHAHHA people died

Cindee: My husband will be home soon and we will go out for dinner then . . . so . . . you’ll have to wait to rant

Martha: I LITERALLY CAN’T Is that guy dead? That’s all I need to know for now.

Cindee: The historian?

Martha: Yes

Cindee: Dunno

Martha: Do they never actually come back to him? If not, he’s dead.

Cindee: Well, to be fair, there was never again a need for them to call on the skills of a 20th century earth history expert on a space ship traveling AWAY from earth. So, he could be sitting in his quarters, waiting to be needed again

Martha: Nah he’s dead. And you know what’s worse than not caring when someone dies? Or even laughing at Data when someone dies?  CLAPPING!! CLAPPING WHEN SOMEONE DIES!

Cindee: I don’t remember any clapping

Martha: Crusher clapped! When he got shot she was all claps isn’t the holodeck marvelous. Oh, blood.

Cindee: Well she doesn’t realize the holodeck is a death trap yet

Martha: Just because you like her Cindee, doesn’t mean it’s ok. Also, crying is allowed in the penalty box and apparently sex is allowed on the holodeck. No wonder it keeps malfunctioning

Cindee: You think people having sex on the holodeck is why the safety protocols keep failing?

Martha: Well it can’t help. I mean this time it was an alien ‘probe.’

Cindee: Well they’ve got to contrive some reason for the holodeck to fail every time there’s a holodeck episode. Trust me, there are more ridiculous holodeck episodes. For example, the one where data wears a sombrero. According to Memory Alpha, the historian is alive.

Martha: Is that purely by omission of a eulogy

Cindee: probably just a recognition of Dr. Crusher’s skillz

Martha: Her pulse reading and ‘ignoring him for the rest of the scene’ skills. They also PUNCH A HOLOGRAM dramatically before getting him out of there. There is no urgency!

Cindee: he’s just a historian

Martha: He’s also a massive buzzkill. ‘It’s just a character from a book Picard’

Cindee: At least he’s better than the historian from TOS. They revive some people from cryogenic sleep and the historian falls in love with one of them because HE’S FROM HISTORY.

Martha: Also, this book, the guy keeps asking for an object. Doesn’t the book tell them what it is/where it is?!

Cindee: Tell who?

Martha: Data? Picard? They’ve read the book. Everything else is scenes from the book

Cindee:  It’s BASED on a book. It’s interactive

Martha: Do you not think Picard was a little unprofessional to go jolly on the holodeck when he had an important meeting coming up which clearly had no set time?

Cindee: Yeah its weird to me that they all seem surprised when they arrive at destinations. They’ll set a course and then they’ll be doing something else and get a message “we’re here!!!”

Martha: Surely, it’s someone’s job to know that.

Cindee: We have to talk about this message Picard has to recite, too, though. There are episodes where they go undercover, use the universal translator, and NO ONE noticed that they aren’t actually speaking the native language. Yet here, somehow, they will know of Picard isn’t saying this greeting in their language

Martha: I thought the group sounded like a lot of effort to be honest

Cindee: The aliens?

Martha: Yes

Cindee: Don’t they just say the greeting and then head off somewhere else?

Martha: Yeah that’s it. Best mates for life. But why refuse to be friends because of a slight mispronunciation. Are they really that integral to this space programme?

Cindee: well, you refused to be Picard’s friend on account of how he pronounced sensors

Martha: Because he KNOWS how to say it.

Cindee: Does he? DOES HE?

Martha: Yes! Just like Wesley knows how to fix the holodeck! What I don’t understand is how Wesley’s mistake can cause the real people inside to CEASE TO EXIST. Die? Sure! But I expect mangled corpses on the room

Cindee: wait, wut?

Martha: That what he says! Are we even watching the same show?

Cindee: I told you, I don’t remember it well. I didn’t bother rewatching because it is a holodeck episode, thus I knew the plot: go the holodeck, something goes terribly wrong, oh no the safety protocols are fucking broken again

Martha: Well that’s what he says, and Riker’s all ‘well give it a try’ and all that happens is the doors open. Nothing actually disappears. Also, they come out of the other door so they don’t even see Wesley and pals when they come out

Cindee: Did you just refer to Geordi, Riker, and Wesley as “Wesley and pals”

Martha: There are three other generic engineers. One is probably the new chief. Why is Geordi helping anyway?

Cindee: Geordi is good at engineering

Martha: Isn’t red military and command? And gold is engineering and, navigation? (Even though Geordi seems to do most of that…)

Cindee: Navigation is red for reasons I don’t understand. Gold is engineering and security.

Martha: Of course! Security. How did I forget Yar. Right so let’s take it back a little. We’ve seen Yar use the holodeck, and Riker. So, why do they all gather round to listen to Picard’s ‘tales of the holodeck’? Why doesn’t he show them? Don’t they already KNOW what it does?!

Cindee: The UPGRADES Martha, the UPGRADES

Martha: Also, they talk about AU TO MO BEEEEELS?

Cindee: Automobile is a valid word

Martha: and instead of the many things you could say about cars, pollution, the fuels they use TEENAGERS USE THEM FOR DATING RITUALS. Goddamnit it Data. Not everything is about sex!

Cindee: Dating is not the same as sex!

Martha: American teenagers have sexy car times Cindee. I know this! IVE SEEN MOVIES

Cindee: Well apparently so has Data. Ok, but wait here, why does the word automobile bother you?

Martha: Oh it doesn’t! That’s just how Worf says it. Cos ya know, he’s a Klingon. Has never had any contact with humans ever…

Cindee: How does Worf say it?

Martha: Au… to.. mo… beeeeels? With an inflection in beels

Cindee: Presumably they wanted to show how culture and technology have changes and Worf didn’t have anything else to do, so he got to say it

Martha: Also on new earth Halloween has been cancelled

Cindee: Well it is a stupid holiday

Martha: It’s not big here. It’s about 4000 times bigger in America it seems

Cindee: Star Trek is a utopian view of the future Martha. No crime, no poverty, no Halloween

Martha: So, whilst Picard is having a fun time this very important meeting starts to happen. Wesley is in Data’s seat?! Where’s O’Brien?! Bring back O’Brien. Or dare I say it, another actually qualified member of the crew

Cindee: Well O’Brien might be trying out a different job

Martha: How do you find Crusher on the holodeck?

Cindee: With a tricorder?

Martha: I felt she went a bit ‘silly woman’ all giggly etc, which is at odds with her normal persona

Cindee: Agreed. Perhaps she was trying to be historically consistent

Martha: Oh, ALSO Picard says when describing the holodeck (in his captains logs which make no sense, he’s like ‘I’m on the holodeck to see.’ He has so many logs that are present tense! When is he saying this?! As he’s doing it?

Cindee: Yeah, he never stops doing that. There will be a fucking crisis going on and Picard runs off to make a log

Martha: Well he clearly has no concept of appropriate timing for this. Because he should be using the holodeck on his ‘off’ times! Not as a stress reliever during work hours. Also! I love how he refuses to practice. Which is basically them saying ‘we can’t get him to say this same string of noises twice, make an excuse!’

Cindee: He practices for hours

Martha: Not on screen!

Cindee: Well that’d be a bit boring

Martha: How dare you.

Cindee: We just watch Patrick Stewart say some alien words for an entire episode over and over?

Martha: But yes a lovely light hearted joke at the end, whilst historian is bleeding out in sick bay

Cindee: There’s always a light-hearted joke. Hence my husband and I have our tradition of saying “HA HA HA HA HA HA, people died” at the end of the episode.

Martha: He’s definitely dead.

Cindee: Memory Alpha disagrees

Martha: If I don’t see him again he’s dead.

RIP Historian
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Flim Flam Man (AKA Hide and Q)

Cindee: So, Q is back

Martha: As a three headed snake bubble. Which is just great!

Cindee: Well, Q can appear as anything.

Martha: As we are made painfully aware of throughout.

Cindee: Wait, did you LIKE this episode?

Martha: No I don’t.

Cindee: Whew, Q episodes, unlike Ferengi episodes, do actually get better… mostly

Martha: So, Q has taken a bit of a shine to Riker, (Let’s face it, who hasn’t), and is going to test him as some sort of elaborate plan not unlike the confusing elaborate plan of the pilot.

Cindee: That about sums it up

Martha: Spoilers – I assumed by the end that Q had upset the rest of the Q’s and was going to be, put in Q jail… I find the Q actor a little creepy.

Cindee: In what way?

Martha: I dunno, wide eyes and creepy smile when he’s in his various disguises.

Cindee: That’s quite the bizarre detail to nitpick at

Martha: I will nitpick at anything I can, and you can’t stop me!

Cindee: I wasn’t trying to stop you, I was nitpicking your nitpicking

Martha: So off they go to game island, I was actually looking forward to what they had planned for the game, Q was described multiple times as ‘creative’ so I was genuinely interested. Turns out the ‘game’ is dressed up ‘animal things’ trying to kill them. Not a game. Not a game AT ALL!

Cindee: What did you expect, Wizard Chess?

Martha: I’d have accepted anything that remotely resembled a game. Not Worf running at the ‘animal things’ (they call them animal things about 4 times) them using their fazers to blow up rocks and animal things.

Cindee: Well, to be fair, there was  penalty box

Martha: THERE WAS NO RULES about the penalty box.

Cindee: Sure there was: one person at a time

Martha: The penalty box lasted 5 minutes. He said ‘penalty over’ yet Yar did not return? No one else went to the penalty box because there was no parameters set for penalty box admission! But, crying IS allowed in the penalty box.

Cindee: Hahah! So, you expected a character we already know to be fairly erratic and arbitrary not to be?

Martha: I wanted there to be some STORY to the episode. Not just ‘oh you guys are gonna get attacked in this game, then I’ll tell Riker I’ve gave him a power, and then he can save you guys because I’ve told him to, and then, more stuff’

Cindee: I don’t know where these expectations came from! What show have you been watching?

Martha: LMAO. I know, what’s wrong with me!? So, Ive accidentally spoiled myself when looking for a FB photo for the blog as I noticed all the cast photos have everyone BUT Yar, so I imagine she’s not long for this world…

Cindee: Maybe she’s just invisible

Martha: But today in ‘who does Yar fancy this episode?’ the answer is *drumroll* PICARD!!!!

Cindee: What makes you think she is into Picard?

Martha: When she’s in the penalty box, she makes it very clear.

Cindee: If you say so . . .

Martha: Okay you’re making me find it!

Cindee: *taps fingers, impatiently*

Martha: PICARD: Don’t worry. There’s a new ship’s standing order on the Bridge. When one is in the penalty box, tears are permitted.

TASHA: Captain. Oh, if you weren’t a captain.

Q: Consorting with lower rank females, Captain? Especially ones in penalty boxes? Destructive to discipline, they say. But then again, you’re what? You’re only human? Penalty over.

Martha: And she makes googly eyes when she says it.

Cindee: Maybe it was non-romantic love

Martha: IN STAR TREK?? NO. Sexy parties, sexy planets, sexy Data. EVERYTHING IS SEXY

Cindee: Ok so anyways…

Martha: So Worf throws himself at the animal things, isn’t very successful at being a warrior. He then jumps at an exploded rock shouting drop your weapons at Riker, again, not a very succesful warrior.

Cindee: Well he’s young. You forgot about Picard spouting Shakespeare!

Martha: Meanwhile Q is on the Enterprise whilst the directors make the most out of the fact that Patrick Stewart did a lot of Shakespeare by making him reads loads of Shakespeare

Martha: I DID NOT!

Cindee: JINX

Martha: Definitely get that free Shakespeare in

Cindee: Yeah, they don’t stop doing that, by the by.

Martha: I’m into it. It’s fine. So, Riker gets Q powers, does some sexy laughing. Saves everyone, has a little chat with Q where Q seems to imply humans will evolve past Q and therefore they want a human to, help them grow?

Cindee: What was sexy about his laughing?

Martha: It’s Riker…. Everything he does is sexy, INCLUDING his sexy ignoring of Picard, his sexy calling him Jean Luc…

Cindee: I see

Martha: So I think the main amazingness of this episode is Riker granting everyone’s wishes.

Cindee: Sure, like a genie

Martha: La Forge’s is fairly standard, sight, and obviously he fancies the pants of Yar. Wesley apparently wanted to be 40 years old and still wearing the same jumper. Poor Wesley, he got killed AND rebuffed from the bridge in the same episode.

Cindee: Ok, I’m not an expert on going from being blind to not being blind, but I don’t think that it would be that simple. How would you know what anything you were looking at was?

Martha: Well, I suppose he has had some vision with all his different visor settings, so this is just a new ‘setting’

Cindee: I guess. Anyways, yes, Riker think Wesley wants to be old, and wear the same shirt.

Martha: Bless Wesley. Everyone’s immediate response to seeing him, even his own mother, is ‘Wesley we’re busy’ ‘Wesley this doesnt concern you’ So, Worf’s greatest wish OBVIOUSLY is a woman he can bang without destroying! However, sex appears to be, fighting??

Cindee: Ok, so there’s a couple things there: first, it is actually fairly well established later on that Worf is not a fan of casual sex

Martha: So, Riker was totally off base thinking he wanted a lady Klingon?

Cindee: Seems that way to me, as for the violence part, yes it is implied that Klingon sex is violent on many occasions.

Martha: In season 3 do they just start again and ignore the first two seasons ‘implications.’

Cindee: Not ENTIRELY…

Martha: Riker also states that Worf has ‘no connection to his people’ WHAT ABOUT THE TARG EH

Cindee: Ok, so yeah, Riker is assuming a lot of shit about Worf

Martha: Also, why dont they speak Klingon when she shows up, instead of just, growling?

Cindee: Like, why does he need a connection to “his people”? Why are “his people” even Klingons? He was raised by humans

Martha: Well he has said a few times that he’s a Klingon, like when he wanted to stay with Picard he said he cannot leave his captain as a Klingon, and Picard is all ‘YOU ARE A STAR FLEET OFFICER!!’ Plus Sash!

Cindee: Yes, I agree that Worf is all into being Klingon. I am just arguing that overall that doesn’t make a lot of sense to me

Martha: Does he speak Klingon? That would maybe explain the growling…

Cindee: He does speak Klingon. Who taught him? I dunno. You’re culturally British cause you were raised there. If you were raised here, you’d be culturally American. You wouldn’t be calling shirts jumpers.

Martha: But I would definitely have a traditionally British pet, like a Shetland pony

Cindee: Well obviously. That’s genetic

Martha: And I’d wear a traditional British garment at all times. Like, one of those bearskin hats. AND WHEN I HAD SEX WITH AMERICAN MEN I WOULD DESTROY THEM

Cindee: See, that’s what I’m saying, it makes no sense.

Martha: When was his background established? Because it’s all over the place right now.

Cindee: I feel like the implication is that in general, your genes or whatever have a much bigger impact on your environment, which I’m not on board with. Worf’s background, you learn bits a pieces here and there. He was raised by humans from a very young age. Eventually you’ll meet his parents. They’re walking stereotypes. There’s other details, but SPOILERS. So, that was all the wishes yeah? He wants to make Pinocchio a real boy but Data says no before he does it, yeah? Or actually, they’re not really wishes, they’re Riker’s assumptions of wishes

Martha: Data refuses the real boy yes haha. We don’t get to find out Yar’s wishes because they’re unsuitable for broadcast. Or Picards. Or Dr Crushers… but again, filth

Cindee: We haven’t found out what anyone wishes, just what Riker thinks they wish, and since Riker is very dumb . . .

Martha: That’s true. So yeah Picard calls out Q as a ‘flim flam man’ Riker apologises to Picard for being an idiot and he feels very silly, Picard replies ‘quite right so you should!’

Cindee: Well, Riker is an idiot. I mean, you’ve seen his thinking face

Martha: Hahahah! I like Riker. I don’t want him to get a beard.

Cindee: I dislike Riker.

Martha: Oh also Riker gets on a chair just fine so clearly that hasn’t started yet. INCONSISTENT

Cindee: Haha, ok, so, Riker’s an idiot, end of episode.

 

Posted on

Headache Pokeballs (AKA The Battle)

Martha had the strange idea to watch The Battle and chat with Cindee at the same time. The result was that everything is out of context and makes no sense. So, Cindee copied and pasted information from Memory Alpha so you know what is going on.

Martha: Ooooh the battle!

Cindee: *waits for it*

Martha: OH FUCK OFF FERENGIS

Cindee: yup, there it is

Dr. Crusher comes to see Picard in his quarters, where he complains of feeling fatigued and having a bad headache. She examines him and can find nothing wrong, but tells him to come to sickbay all the same.

Martha: Crusher has solved headaches. And is surprised that Picard has one.

Cindee: Yeah that seems very funny to me. Like, what is solving them exactly? A headache vaccine? Like maybe they have better painkillers, I’d buy that. But headaches just don’t happen?

Picard returns to the bridge and talks with the Ferengi captain, DaiMon Bok over the Enterprise’s viewscreen.

Martha: Daimon?? That’s not an alien name

Cindee: That is a title, like captain

Martha: Oh the Ferengi don’t mind visual contact a mere 3 episodes later

Cindee: I told you, that first episode is wildly inconsistent

Martha: You spelt SEASON wrong. This Ferengi seems a little nicer than the others. And a bit more chill.

Cindee: Or so he would have you believe

Martha: SPOILERS.

Cindee: spoilers? the title of the episode is “the battle.” WTF do you think is going to happen.

Martha: Wesley battles to have someone listen to him?

Picard goes to sickbay where Crusher examines him again, but fails to find any medical reason for his headaches.

Martha: AS SIMPLE AS A HEADACHE. Crusher is having none of it. Oh the days before they knew the NATURE OF PAIN.

Cindee: Well they’ve mapped the brain now. Once you map something, it can’t hurt anymore

Picard returns to the bridge, where Wesley Crusher arrives and tells Geordi La Forge that when he was boosting the range of the long-range sensors, he detected a ship approaching.

Martha: Ooooh rainbow jumper with a fabulous collar and fitted waist

Cindee: Ok, pause

Martha: Paused

Cindee: You need to buy these:

Martha: But why of all his fabulous jumpers is this the one that’s taken off? Is this his uniform now?

Cindee: I’m so sorry to be the one to break it to you, but, the sweaters are done for. UNPAUSE.

Picard is then hit by another headache, before ordering La Forge to zoom in on the approaching starship. It is the Stargazer, which the Ferengi found adrift, and are now giving to Picard. Bok says it will be a gift, free of charge, which his subordinates don’t like.

Martha: oh no, the headaches back. TROI CANNOT BELIEVE IT.

Cindee: Well of course not!

Martha: This headache is very distracting to poor Picard.

Cindee: Well, if you’d never had one before and got one, wouldn’t you think you were dying or something?

Martha: Oh god Troi felt the headache. A GUILT HEADACHE. NOT A THING. Hmmmm, this seems too good to be true.

Cindee: Them giving them the Stargazer?

Martha: Yes. even his mates don’t buy it…

Cindee: What are you talking about? It makes total sense to find a derelict starship that was responsible for the destruction of someone of your people’s ship and then give it back to the owners

Later in the observation lounge, Picard tells the crew about the battle. He then performed what is now known as the Picard Maneuver: he ordered a jump to high warp, making it appear to the Ferengi for a second that the Stargazer was in two places at once.

Martha: Okay Riker seems happier talking about the Picard Manoeuvre than he did on the sexy planet

Cindee: Picard is his hero. Side note, is that a typo or is that really how you spell maneuver?

Martha: Yes that’s how we spell it. IT’S FRENCH. AS FRENCH AS PICARD

Cindee: So . . . not very French?

Martha: How dare you. HE IZ ZE MOST FRENCH!

Cindee: With his British accent. Anyways, they’re on the Stargazer now?

Martha: They are. Picard left nudey mags in his cabin.

Cindee: How dare you

Martha: And a glowy Pokeball. Oh its a headache bomb.

Cindee: I was wondering what you’d call that thing

The return to the ship and sometime later Data shows Riker a personal log that Picard supposedly recorded, claiming that he attacked the Ferengi vessel without provocation and that the Ferengi ship was under a flag of truce.

Martha: Picard LIED?? Or they’ve messed with the records.

Cindee: but which is it?

Martha: This Pokeball is really messing with poor Picard

Cindee: Ok, so what exactly is a Pokeball?

Martha: You catch Pokemon in it. They shrink the Pokemon down and it lives in there

Cindee: So maybe it is the headache Pokemon in that one

Martha: Psyduck

Cindee: What is a Psyduck?

Cindee: Is that the headache Pokemon?

Martha: A Pokemon, and it gives itself headaches with its psychic power

Cindee: Alright then, so that’s what’s going on

Picard is in his quarters when Crusher arrives. He tells her the headache is worsening, and he is worrying about the battle and whether he did the right thing. Crusher gives him a sedative and puts him to bed.

Martha: Crusher is sticking floppy discs to Picard’s head

Cindee: well she needs to monitor his brain or something

Martha: Why has no one asked Wesley how to fix this headache?

Cindee: Just you wait

In Picard’s ready room, Data is informing Riker that the log is a forgery

Martha: Riker is so rude!

Cindee: How so?

Martha: Data tells him that some ‘checksom’ things don’t match in the logs, so Riker asks him what that means, he started to explain and Riker says, I DONT WANT A COMPUTER SCIENCE LESSON.

Cindee: That’s pretty typical

In sickbay, Dr. Crusher is discussing the headaches with Deanna Troi when Wesley enters. He tells her that he noticed the captain’s brain patterns were exactly the same as low intensity transmissions detected coming from the Ferengi ship.

Martha: Fuck off Wesley (says everyone!) From a quick glance I have solved all this.

Cindee: HE’S MOZART MARTHA

Martha: Dr Crusher is off to take all the credit. Oh Picard’s bloody beamed off the ship again.

Cindee: At least he didn’t beam into a cloud this time. Ok, so did the Daimon explain shit yet?

Martha: Yeah sorta. Picard killed his son

Cindee: right, so, basically a Star Trek II: Wrath of Khan ripoff

Martha: KHAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNN

Cindee: Yes. Kirk was indirectly responsible for the death of Khan’s wife.

Martha: I’ve only seen the Hot Spock version

Cindee: Well obviously this is not a rip-off of that one, as it didn’t exist yet

Riker realizes that he is going to use the Picard Maneuver, so he orders Data to come up with a suitable defense.

Martha: There is no defense against the Picard Manoeuvre

Cindee: Riker: “think of one anyways” Data: “oh ok, sure”

Kazago hails, and tells Riker that Bok has been removed from command for his part in this “unprofitable venture”.

Martha: Engaging in an unprofitable adventure

Cindee: I told you, Republicans. What I don’t get is, why do the Ferengi forbid the Pokeballs? They seem like they’d be pretty profitable.

Martha: Okay so that’s a win for Wesley. Oh and they gave up on inertia. Who didn’t listen in tractor beam conservation lecture after all!

Cindee: Also, they are towing that thing as sunlight speed. So its gonna take them centuries to get anywhere with it.

Martha: It’s so worth it though, for the nudey mags.

Cindee: I will not sit idly by while you insult Picard like that!

Posted on

Keep Off The Grass! (AKA Justice)

Martha: Have you decided to give a shit about our blog yet

Cindee: FFS woman, isn’t it late there?

Martha: It’s Saturday! And is it ever to late to talk about THIS NONSENSE

Cindee: Lol so… Justice

Martha: Okay firstly I haven’t managed to fully establish timelines from the star date log entries. I’m going to assume this is a while after the last episode?

Cindee: I have never once in my life thought to care about star dates.

Martha: I only care because to me, the loss of Singh weighs heavy on my heart. But no one else cares!

Cindee: Fair

Martha: So, my first and main issue comes fairly swiftly. They discuss what an ‘unusually lovely’ planet the find where everyone makes love at the drop of a hat ANY HAT! Smirks Yar the filthy bint. And what does Picard do immediately?!

Cindee: sends everyone down there to have sex?

Martha: ‘Wesley. Go see if that’s a nice place for young people to relax’

Cindee: Oh lol I forgot about that!

Martha: I’m going to suggest it’s a highly inappropriate place for young people Picard

Cindee: Well, to be fair, he doesn’t really understand children

Martha: And Riker is too busy thinking about his penis to intervene to stop you looking silly. (Riker you’re fired)

Cindee: I feel I should also point out it is a gross violation of the prime directive to have visited that planet at all

Martha: Oh Cindee you sweet summer child. The prime directive isn’t important until LATER! For now it’s sexy party episode 2: the entire planet

Cindee: Hence the irony

Martha: Now I’m not sure if it’s implied that Riker and Yar have already got their rocks off on their initial visit. I feel it’s heavily hinted at…

Cindee: you think so?

Martha: Are you being sarcastic? Am I being naive?

Cindee: No actually. I can’t tell… It’s been quite a while since I’ve seen it.

Martha: Well they’re both a little giggly. And they were the two in the initial party and they’re VERY happily received when they return…Troi gets some points back with her fantastic ‘shoulder pat’ when the guy nuzzles into her neck when she first meets him. Oh also Riker when they go down and they’re all about in their amazing outfits he goes. “They certainly are….. FIT” AND THEN THEY ALL RUN ABOUT

Cindee: Ok, so, yes, the episode is the super creepy sex episode. Established fact

Martha: Which bit in particular is creepy in Star Trek lore? Is it Wesley thinking he has to have sex?

Cindee: Lol you think he thinks he HAS to?

Martha: Is it Worf telling us he would DESTROY A HUMAN WOMAN and must restrain himself?

Cindee: He implies that several times throughout the franchise…

Martha: Oh so Wes, there’s an awkward moment when the girl is all ‘I want you to show me a game’ and poor Wesley is all ‘oh there are some games I don’t yet know about’ Then they all go for a lovely game of run and catch…

Cindee: Yeah that’s super super weird

Martha: I mean if Wesley had known he’d have chosen a better jumper as this jumper was terrible.

Cindee: hahaha, I’m not actually sure how old Wesley is supposed to be? 16?

Martha: How old do you have to be to go to Star Fleet academy? I realise he’s not there yet… or is he? Surely if he was the correct age he’d be there already. He has the smarts and connections.

Cindee: I dunno? 18? Like college? Point is, I have nothing against teenagers having sex, but I think it is creepy for an adult show to be making a thing of it.

Martha:  Exactly! Even when he meets the lady she’s all ‘I don’t know your customs with young ones and love!’

Cindee: Okay s according to Memory Alpha he’s 15, so super creepy.

Martha: Definitely! Anyway, dialogue was generally a little hammy this episode, more than normal. Dr Crusher randomly interrupts people for seemingly no reason, she simply HAS to ask if everyone can go down to sexy planet.

Cindee: Right well, Picard wouldn’t have sex with her in the sexy party episode. Ok, so creepy sex show, but there’s also other things. Most of the episode isn’t about sex at all!

Martha: Oh so poor Worf, even tho he’s a creepy sexy destroyer. He got totally shot down this episode. He’s all ‘I reported that error’ And everyone’s all ‘ooooh what’s this error. What’s this?! Oooooh’

Martha: Oh I have more sex stuff. So when they first meet they’re basically dying to find a way to palm Wesley off on someone else so they can all go have creepy totally fine by the prime directive sexy time. Yar is anyone’s. She has fancied tonnes of people so far

Cindee: Sure, but same with Riker. It is also interesting we see absolutely no old people on this planet. It’s good Picard doesn’t go cause, since there’s no old people, that’d also be creepy

Martha: True. But he’s sexy Riker. Why didn’t Data get to go down. Surely as the sex robot he is he should have gone down. Though he’s busy having static alien balloons stuck to his head

Cindee: That does tend to occupy one’s time

Martha: Speaking of Picard, how old is he?

Cindee: well he was born in 2305, and it is now 2364, so 59.

Martha: He looks younger

Cindee: Well maybe he runs everywhere, too

Martha: Omg the running, ok, so Wesley runs off to play catch, and shows off his cartwheeling

Cindee: Meanwhile, Yar finds out that the peace and love people like capital punishment for ALL CRIMES!

Martha: And we see a suspicious white wall…. AND WHAT DOES A WHITE WALL MEAN

Cindee:  I dunno, what does it mean?

Martha: That’s a forbidden area! Were told about it as Wesley hurtles over it

Cindee: oh right, cause you might disturb the flowers, Martha! I mean, you want flowers to grow, don’t you?

Martha: And the incredibly stiff mediators come over, running, naturally, to protect the flowers. Because Wesley is in a ‘punishment zone!’

Cindee: I mean, we have to discuss this capital punishment thing a minute more here.

Martha: What discussion is there to be had Cindee? Earth has decided that it’s bad therefore our rules are the best

Cindee: The show implies that Capital Punishment is totally effective! Hahahah if you want to live in a sexy world

Martha: And…I do. I truly do. Everyone is so fit. They all have sexy outfits. They run everywhere. There’s no crime… the plants are FINE

Cindee: But the show acts all liberal and then endorses a super conservative idea!

Martha: I mean it tries to turn tables on that by having them about to poison Wes for crimes against saplings But really that just enforced the idea that ‘it’s a bad idea for silly crimes’

Cindee: Yeah I know the show is overall anti-capital punishment, but I think they didn’t think it through very well, because its heavily implied that capital punishment is totally effective, when it so isn’t

Martha: Okay well Picard suddenly gets VERY bothered about the prime directive once he realises Wesley is in trouble.

Cindee:  Even though he was totally cool with super duper breaking it just a few minutes ago. They get a little better at being more consistent with the prime directive over time…

Martha: Exactly. Like the sex is fine, them beaming down is fine, them beaming one of them UP is fine, but removing Wesley through beaming is NOT fine?

Cindee: Hahaha, well even if it was, god won’t allow it!

Martha: Well exactly, God didn’t allow it until a frankly crap speech

Cindee: You know there have been other episodes where they have said that they have to follow the laws of wherever they are, but they haven’t framed it as the prime directive in those.

Martha: And then the God was all ‘okay fine, I’ll sacrifice years of work with my children, I’ll leave them feeling quite upset and possibly go back to their previous violent lives, all cos this bald dude wants his kid back’ It didn’t make sense. He said something along the lines of ‘there is no justice if laws are absolute’ Well, why?

Cindee: I also wonder why god let them beam down in the first place. God has the power to stop beaming.

Martha: How many people on that planet have had people killed for breaking such rules in the past? But now God says ‘for him, for lovely Wesley Crusher, it’s fine’

Cindee: I thought it was implied that basically no one ever breaks rules, cause capital punishment is so fucking effective.

Martha: Anymore! But they had a transition period which made them ‘sad’ Though it’s not stated how long ago…

Cindee: Warning: this is definitely not the last time aliens worship other aliens as gods

Martha: Also in another example of Picard has no empathy, Wesley’s been imprisoned, Picard comes back with a sexy lady, and Dr Crusher is all ‘what’s happening with my son?’ and Picard doesn’t explain or give her any info AT ALL. He just leaves her hanging. Whilst he shows the alien the God ship. TAKE THAT PRIME DIRECTIVE!

Cindee: Well he didn’t want her to worry her pretty little head! Why DOES he show her the God ship anyways?

Martha: Cos HE wants to know what it is, Because it’s physical yet not, and there yet not etc

Cindee: Oh well, good reason…

Martha: It’s a purely selfish ‘what’s this eh?’ and she is really distressed by it, and the god nearly attacks them for messing with their children!

Cindee: Doesn’t she go up to the ship as a hostage anyways?

Martha: No. She does say that Basically Wesley is in prison. Picard’s like ‘he’s safe until sundown okay’ right so can someone come up with me? And she’s all I’ll go as a hostage to secure Wesley’s life. And Picard’s all ‘no I didn’t mean like that!’ I just want you to look at this god ship thing!!

Cindee: Lmao

Martha: So they go to the observation cupboard and she has a look.

Cindee: It is a really shitty god though, don’t you think? It could have intervened way earlier… and attack Data with bubbles

Martha: Well. It doesn’t do much You’re right in that it could stop them beaming. However it prefers to hide until they say ‘oi, thing off our starboard bow, what are you?!’ And then it’s all ‘heyyyyyyyyyyyy’
‘You’re not leaving any humans here are you like that other planet?’
And Picard’s like ‘nah not on this one, we just left some people on another one. That’s our mission!’ And then he kinda gets cross that this alien ship beat them to it

Cindee: Another reason the god is shitty in my opinion is that the people are terrified of it. What kind of a shitty god wants to scare the fuck out its worshippers. Random thought: so, they dropped some colonists off at a nearby planet, but didn’t know about this planet… implying that no one surveyed the area before deciding to colonize the other planet? That hardly seems like a good way of doing things

Martha: They seem fairly haphazard with what they do! And that’s an understatement

Cindee: Yeah, anywho, creepy sex planet, shitty god, prime directive bs

Martha: They still haven’t properly explained the prime directive to the audience. Probably because they don’t know what it is themselves…

Cindee: Maybe they assume it is known from TOS? Though it is inconsistent in that, too. There’s an episode in season 3 where they explain it a bit more in detail

Martha: Do they abide by it better afterwards

Cindee: They get pretty consistent with the part where you don’t mess with pre-warp cultures, they are still somewhat inconsistent beyond that.

Martha: Why is warp the benchmark?

Cindee: It is later implied that the Vulcans taught them not to bug pre warp people. MUCH later. Ok, but really good news, you’re almost a third of the way through the shitty first season! and then just make it through season 2 . . .
which is shorter cause of a writer’s strike!

Martha: Hooray!

Posted on

P for Picard (AKA Lonely Among Us)

Martha: P FOR PICARD!

Cindee: (no response)

Martha: OMG why are you not there?! I need to get this out quickly. I don’t have Troi to hypnotise me to remember all the things I have forgotten!

Cindee: Hahahahahaha. Ok, so, first thoughts?

Martha: My first overarching thought is ‘this made absolutely zero sense’

Cindee: Ok, true. But that’s your main objection here?

Martha: I mean I suppose as a ‘woke’ millennial (I’m too old to be a millennial) I should be most upset at them condescending and belittling the two random cultures they brought aboard

Cindee: Ok, first of all, you are so a millennial

Martha: IF YOU WANT ME TO SAY IM UPSET WITH SHERLOCK DATA I WONT

Cindee: Second of all, my main objection to Data and his pipe is not the pipe itself, but the fact that A MAN JUST DIED and everyone is all like “hahaha, who cares, Data is funny”

Martha: Oh god yes they barely touch on that

Cindee: THEY NEVER DO. At least usually they wait till the end of the episode for their light-hearted moment though

Martha: But it does explain why in two episodes both the chief engineer and the assistant chief engineer have changed since Naked Now. They’re just dying left right and centre!

Cindee: As much as I’d love to say it’s cause they’re racist, they never give a shit when anyone dies. My husband and I even have a running joke where at the end of the episode where they have their little light-hearted moment we both go “HA HA HA HA HA . . . people died”

Martha: I think he’s the first death. Well, that also extends to their alien counterparts. Yar rushes in to say ‘there’s blood everywhere and we can’t find a passenger’

Cindee: Yeah, I know right?

Martha: And Riker is all ‘CANT THIS WAIT ONE MINUTE PICARD IS BACK!!’

Cindee: They just find out that one of the aliens dying and about to be EATEN and they’re all like WHATEVER. They make this huge deal about how they’re all vegetarians, but oh well, that sentient being is gonna be eaten.

Martha: But Picard is back!!!! You’re just not seeing the bigger picture here Yar!

Cindee: Right, cause his physical form was saved in the pattern buffer. CAUSE THAT’S A THING.

Martha: None of it made any sense. Him beaming out into space. That being fine.

Cindee: And being one with a cloud

Martha: Him writing a P on LaForge’s terminal

Cindee: That’s the part that made the MOST sense

Martha: Him being able to ‘get into the ships circuits’

Cindee: Ok, but let’s rewind here

MarthaL Yeah there’s so much I have no order to my thoughts.

CindeeDid you not notice the part where Troi and Crusher talk to Worf about the memory loss he had, and he says he doesn’t remember having any memory loss?

Martha: Yes! And Troi hypnotises then and says ‘remember back to when you first remember having the feeling of having memory loss’

Cindee: With her fancy device

Martha: REMEMBER WHEN YOU FORGOT? Tell me about that!

Cindee: In the future, hypnosis is a legit thing, cause they perfected the technology.

Martha: Troi was the worst. I bought her ‘duality of man’ argument at first, why she didn’t report her feelings.

Cindee: you DID?

Martha: BUT THEN IMMEDIATELY AFTER IT HAPPENS TO PICARD. And she says NOTHING

Cindee: She kinda gets a look on her face

Martha: A super helpful look. A look of ‘I should probably say something…. but… nah’ But, shout out to Worf’s electrocution acting

Cindee: Ok, so, speaking of which, he was in sensor control and Picard said sensors again

Martha: I didn’t have a problem with any pronunciation of sensors this time. It’s different…

Cindee: I see. Maybe earlier Patrick Stewart had legit never said the word before, and then everyone but Marina Sirtis was like “whatevs, prolly how British people said it” and then Sirtis eventually got around to telling him

Martha: She’s the only sensor they need

Cindee: You do know she’s British, right?

Martha: I did not!

Cindee: She made up some “other” accent that was supposed to be “alien”

Martha: Wesley has the same jumper on as last episode which is upsetting

Cindee: I’m sorry to tell you eventually he just wears the same shirt every day. What did you think of Dr. Crusher’s medical headgear?

Martha: Absolutely perfect! I see medical technology has improved so much

Cindee: To my knowledge, it is the only time she wears that contraption.

Martha: Well are they ever faced with an electrocution again? It seems highly specific

Cindee: Oh, which reminds me, back to our poor friend the assistant chief engineer, I like how no attempt is made to revive him

Martha: No he’s definitely dead

Cindee: Even now we’ve got CPR for that situation

MarthaL Unlike that alien that got poisoned who was dead and Crusher fixes her. And the traveler who she revived despite him being an utter unknown. This guy is definitely dead.

Cindee: Yeah they’re super inconsistent on when they try to revive someone and when they’re just like “nope, dead”

Martha: He was introduced simply to be killed off. He’s a red shirt! (I know that!) Oh also, in the pilot there was a curly haired guy who was on the bridge. He hasn’t been in it for a few episodes, now he’s relegated to ‘alien corridor escort’

Cindee: Oh you mean O’Brien?

Martha: I believe he had an Irish/Scottish accent so, almost certainly yes.

Cindee: Yeah, O’Brien is around for a while, but really struggles with what job he wants apparently. Also, his rank mysteriously changes several times

Martha: Well he’s done a terrible job at escorting the aliens through corridors, because ones being eaten as we speak

Cindee: yeah, well I think that was his only stint as alien escort man

Martha: Okay I’m trying to think of if there’s anything else. Oh! Wesley didn’t save the day but he would have were he given the chance!!!

Cindee: He would have? Oh right, the assistant chief engineer is like “go to class, captain’s orders!”

Martha: And how was he punished? DEATH. Are we certain Wesley didn’t do it?

Cindee: Good point. His revenge for being sent to class?

Martha: This is much darker than anticipated

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Ze End Of Ze Universe! (aka Where No One Has Gone Before)

Martha: Ze end of ze universe! She had a French accent!

Cindee: Alright alright

Martha: Sorry “French” Okay so I’ll go out on a limb and say this was the best episode so far?

Cindee: I hadn’t thought about it that way, I suppose it is.

Martha: However, it’s certainly not without things to discuss! First of all, in Naked Now the chief engineer was a woman. Now it’s a guy? Where has she gone?! It’s not even the deputy from Naked Now.

Cindee: In season 1, they change chief engineers like every 5 minutes. It’s kinda weird there isn’t a chief engineer among the main cast.

Martha: On a side note Wesley’s jumpers are a genuine delight. I hope there’s someone making them out there because I want them all.

Related image

Cindee: There is a  particular one that ThinkGeek.com has made several items to look like

Martha: Fantastic, I would wear them all.

Cindee: Noted

Martha: So Wesley, or ‘the boy’ as he is mostly referred to. They seem to be setting him up as some child genius

Cindee: Really, what tipped you off?

Martha: Hah! He also gets the brunt of the random Picard angry outbursts this episode
“move!” “Don’t interrupt me!” “What is the boy doing here?!”

Cindee: What indeed…

Martha: Being the only character to actually know what’s going on, that’s what!

Cindee: Yeah that’ll get old fast though.

Martha: It makes me question the Star Fleet training!

Cindee: Like, it is meaningless or something? Cause this stupid boy can do all the things?

Martha: Well he’s the only one! So it’s both unnecessary and not fit for purpose

Cindee: Really he’s only an engineering genius, at the academy they have other topics.

Martha: Yet again Star fleet isn’t really following its own laws and is quite happy to kill an unknown alien to help themselves Which they have no knowledge of its physiology but can revive it at will whenever needed

Cindee: See, it’s Dr. Crusher who is the genius!

Martha:That’s where Wesley gets it from!

Cindee: I don’t remember them killing anyone this episode.

Martha: The time travel being, who says space and time and distance don’t exist, hey didn’t kill him. He was dying anyway or whatever, I get that
BUT THEY DIDNT KNOW THAT. They’re warned repeatedly that he won’t last.

Cindee: You think he’s dead?

Martha: No I think he’s fazed off somewhere else.

Cindee: Well that’s not the same as dead at all

Martha: My point is they don’t know this. They even say ‘better get what you need fast’ when she revived him again. Yes they didn’t kill him but they were prepared to.

Cindee: hmmmm I don’t know about that

Martha: Don’t make me get the script, I WILL!

Cindee: hahahaha. I feel like the traveler is going to be just fineMartha: Oh I loved Worfs pet!

Image result for star trek targ

Cindee: So, you’re a targ fan. OK. Seems like a targ is about us un-cat-like as can be

Martha: Obviously
I like the idea that Worf walks around thinking about him
And Picard thinks about the ship not existing
And that other guy thinks about fire.

Cindee: I find the idea that Worf had a targ difficult to accept

Martha: Wasn’t he raised by humans…

Cindee: Exactly

Martha: Wikipedia, I have glanced at it

Cindee: Wait you can’t do that!

Martha: I wanted to see where he came from before you told me all Klingons are cool now. Forgive me

Cindee: WELL. Maybe you should make your blog with Wikipedia then!

Martha: That would probably be much more helpful. I’m glad you agree.

Cindee: I’m plenty helpful

Martha: Wikipedia agrees that Picard was willing to sacrifice the traveller…

Cindee: No it doesn’t.Marha: It can do in a minute…

Martha: Okay I enjoyed the terrible jokes
‘Shall we call Dr Crusher?’
‘Why? IS SOMEONE ILL?!?’
Chortle

Cindee: I can’t remember, did anyone die in this episode? Like, actually die, not fade away

Martha: Just Picard’s compassion…

Cindee: hahahaha ok, No one died. Well that’s unusual

Martha: I feel on the whole this was a good non problematic episode. However
There was a man in a miniskirt, and whilst I’d love to think ‘wow, ahead of the times here Star Trek!’ I feel that’s not the case…

Cindee: Well, I think they wanted to think that they were

Martha: By having men in miniskirts as well as ladies?

Cindee: Yes. Supposedly they were planning on making Geordi gay but then chickened out on that

Martha: Is men in skirts a thing in TOS?

Cindee: No, but being inconsistently ahead of the times sure was. ALL the women had short skirts.

Martha: In TNG are they defending TOS by saying ‘oh I’m sure some offscreen guys had skirts too!’

Cindee: oh you mean like retroactively?

Martha:  Yeah I guess I’m assuming it happened as a reaction

Cindee: I think that they were trying to be forward thinking, I don’t know that they were retconning TOS though.

Martha: Well I’ve already brought up Troi’s pilot outfit, so I assume other people noticed all women in TOS has little skirts

Cindee: Right but sexism

Martha: Okay. Let me go out on a limb and say that Picard, Riker, Data, Worf, La Forge, never rock the mini…

Cindee: Well, spoilers, but correct

Martha: Hahaha so, forward thinking but only background characters

Cindee: Correct

Martha: Interesting about La Forge

Cindee:  Yeah too bad they didn’t go through with it WIMPS

Martha: I’d have though the obvious 80s choice would be to have Yar be gay.
Female, short hair, good at fighting, must be gay!

Cindee: WELL aren’t we heteronormative!

Martha: 80’s Star Trek is the most heteronormative of all the Heteronorms that have ever normed this planet!
But yeah, I guess I don’t have much to say on this one! All in all a half decent sci fi episode?

Cindee: I guess . . . I’ve seen better

Martha: Well I haven’t YOUVE SEEN WHAT IVE SEEN And it has not been good! Of the 6 I’ve seen this is the best. Like we have space/time/distance not existing being introduced. Some interaction with other vessel staff, even though he’s a douche.

Cindee: Hmmm. Yeah I think it’s okay Let me check my ranking list…
it is ranked 127

Martha: Do you have a ranking for it out of season 1 alone? Or season 1/2 alone?

Cindee: Ranked by season? What kind of a freak would do that…

Image result for picard facepalm

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These Apples Are Too Good! (AKA Encounter at Farpoint)

Martha: So time to get excited, Martha has started watching Star Trek on Netflix….

Cindee: Which one?

Martha: Okay so I’m hoping I’ve got this right. I’m watching TNG right now.

Cindee: Do you feel a strong need to have watched them all? Cause if not, skip straight to season 3. Seasons 1 and 2 are complete shit.

Martha: Oh, thank god.  I was like what the fuck is this? Why does Cindee like this so bad?

Cindee: I’d have to say, of the three TNG era Star Treks, TNG by far has the worst pilot.

Martha: It’s fantastic. Riker being randomly suspicious of everything, including apples. Space jellyfish saying ‘thanks.’ The random Q guy’s appearances, and his ‘test’ which I’m still not ENTIRELY sure what it was.

Cindee: To be fair, Riker was right about the apples.

Martha: He was, BUT he’d already gone in there all “WOAHHHHH THIS IS WEIRDLY GOOD!”

Cindee: To be honest I haven’t seen that episode that many times on account of it being shit.

Martha: Does Troi get a bit less, annoying?

Cindee: Not really.

Martha: Great.

Cindee: Yeah, she was a step back for feminism. Wesley also remains annoying.

Martha: Well he’s a kid now so I can half deal with it.  If he continues to be annoying we may need to have words. However, being the son of Dr. Crusher won’t help.

Cindee: Wait what do you have against her? I love her.

Martha: Just the fact she’s called Dr. Crusher, which sounds like a terrible 80’s children’s toy.

Cindee:  Well, it WAS made in the 80s. I feel like we need a blog.