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Girls Can’t Do Math (AKA Coming of Age)

Martha: Better luck next time, Wesley! That girl he was up against was basically you. Calling him obnoxious.

Cindee: Nah, if it was me, I’d have won

Martha: Yeah she sucked. All her smack talk was for nothing. She never even completed one round that we saw!!

Cindee: Well, girls can’t do math

Martha: I’m not sure why the kid at the start (who ran away terribly) thought he had a chance of getting in. The Aldeans didn’t even think you were special! Also, something vague is wrong with the enterprise!

Cindee: Yeah, let’s set that part aside for the moment. They are setting up another episode.

Martha: Riker has began his long love affair with the chair vault.

Cindee: Oh is this where it started?

Martha: Yes I think so. I’ve been keeping an eye out and he hasn’t so far!

Cindee: Interesting!

Martha: Anyway, Wesley threatens a massive guy with violence! I would imagine that would not end well for him.

Cindee: That is actually my most favorite part of the episode. This entire species has the same feelings about “curtesy.” Which is comical to me, because generally people think the behavior of their culture is curtesy and that others are violating it, when really they’re just following their own norms. But apparently this entire fucking species apparently has the same cultural norms!

Martha: Yeah. You’d assume there would be a general star fleet code though. Clearly based on superior humans.

Cindee: Well it always is. In case you haven’t picked up on it, humans = Americans

Martha: Also often Worf is told that his star fleet loyalties come before his Klingon culture

Cindee: Yes but Troi is not told that about her Betazoid culture

Martha: UH DUH COS ITS HELPFUL. Things only matter cos they’re helpful to humans…

Cindee: Like Americans!

Martha: So why does this guy get to be a dick? Though I guess we could pass it off as ‘it was alllll a test’

Cindee: Like I said, it is setting up another, worse episode

Martha: Which bit is a setup, the investigation?

Cindee: Yes

Martha: I feel like the lower ranked guy gets a bad deal. He is made to interrogate everyone on the paranoia of the admiral. Everyone hates him. Picard may as well have said ‘YOU WISH WHAT’ with his eye roll when he said he’d really like a job in the Enterprise. So his career prospects are tanked cos of some guy, who Picard still likes! I feel we as the audience are supposed to be like ‘you’ll never join our enterprise!!!’ But really that’s guys done nothing wrong!

Cindee: Cause he was following orders

Martha: Oh don’t Picard quote me. Don’t you dare.

Cindee:

Martha: Well, the list of Enterprise fuck ups and deaths speaks for itself!

Cindee: Anyways, Wesley is scared of his psychological exam, and Worf gives him a pep talk

Martha: Hahaha in the holodeck of all places

Cindee: Did the safety protocols go offline?

Martha: They didn’t but they never actually switched it on. Wesley was just hanging in the checkered room.

Cindee: That’s quite odd. And Worf just happens upon him? “Hmmmm, I’ll just wander into this holodeck to see if anyone is loitering in it”

Martha: I think Worf comes in for some RnR/ death wish action and is all ‘hullo Wesley!’

Cindee: Worf tells Wesley not to worry. Wesley does his thing and it’s about his dad of course

Martha: Soooooo. Did Picard not drag his dad through steam?! Did Picard leave his dad clinging to a pipe?

Cindee: Picard had to choose between two people

Martha: And because he fancied Dr. Crusher, he let her husband die?

Cindee: Sigh. Jack was his best friend!

Martha: So why did he let him die Cindee?

Cindee: that is never really explained

Martha: So you don’t know for sure that I’m wrong…

Cindee: Oh FFS. Next you’re gonna start spouting your theory that Picard is Wesley’s dad

Martha: He loves Wesley. It’s so obvious.

Cindee: He’s more like an uncle.

Martha: So anyways, Wesley follows Worf’s advice, and then doesn’t get into starfleet. So it’s Worf’s fault

Cindee: No, Wesley succeeds at the psych exam. its later that he loses.

Martha: It’s not really explained how. Blue guy is just better generally. And both girls sucked, obviously.

Cindee: Well yes, girls are bad at math. They probably don’t learn calculus until they’re 12 or something. Anyways, you should be glad, now he’ll stick around.

Martha: So it’s all good. And no one died! Wesley doesn’t get into Starfleet at age 16 or whatever.

Cindee Anyways, didn’t you kinda know he’d fail? Since, then he’d be gone? Off at the academy?

Martha: I didn’t know the nature of the training. Is it a literal ‘off to college you go’ school?

Cindee: Yes. 4 years, in San Fransisco.

Martha: What?! Noooo this cannot do. How long would it take to get back to Earth from where

Cindee: Not that long, they go back to Earth frequently

Martha: Ah okay.

Cindee: And in the meantime investigaty guy found nothing

Martha: Picard gives up a job in an episode set up which makes no sense to anyone who doesn’t know that. We just get a lot of people saying how marvelous Picard is!

Cindee: Which he isn’t . . . yet

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Crusher and Crusher’s Magic Routine (AKA When the Bough Breaks)

Martha: Okay so there are apparently 7 children on the Enterprise?

Cindee: They very clearly stated that they took the most special ones

Martha: No way is that little ginger kid special

Cindee: Don’t tell me you’re one of those

Martha: What’s one of those?!

Cindee: People who don’t like red headed people

Martha: Haha my mum is ginger! So the answer to your question is yes. No that child is just annoying and clearly hates her parents!

Cindee: Says the women who just said she doesn’t like her mom

Martha: I don’t just run off with other random women Cindee!

Cindee: She didn’t run off, she was beamed off

Martha: Hahaha! She was well into it until Wesley was all ‘FFS we’re on hunger strike!’

Cindee: They kinda all were, except Wesley. The kid with the mind reading sculpting thing was pretty happy

Martha: Yeah Harry wasn’t interested in leaving really. Cos FUCK CALCULUS.

Cindee: Yeah they teach calculus at 10 apparently

Martha: Although his art dad is a liar. ‘Do I have to do calculus?’ ‘No…. what’s calculus’ HOW DO YOU KNOW HE DOESN’T HAVE TO DO IT THEN?

Cindee: Ok, I can’t believe we’re not first discussing the notion that they teach calculus at 10 in the future

Martha: I’m not smart enough to know what calculus is. Is it super fancy maths?

Cindee: It is a kind of math, yes. In the U.S. it is generally taken in late high school or in college.

Martha: They just unsterilised a whole bunch of people. Calculus is the least of my worries!

Cindee: I know it is a throwaway scene but I think it is a really telling reflection of American notions of education. I mean, people are always saying this silly fact here that “we only use 10% of our brain” What on earth does that mean? And how do they know it? And we have this notion here that we are “losing” at education and the answer is to teach our kids more and faster. Then we take away things like recess and stuff, and for what?

Martha: Erm we mapped the brain Cindee. And only like 10% had stuff on. Okay so let’s go back to the beginning as I have many issues. Firstly, Crusher kicks off when the people beam aboard because they haven’t been through decontamination.

Cindee: Yes

Martha: When has ANYONE been through decontamination before?

Cindee: The transporter does it when it beams people. It’s a well-established fact.

Martha: And they’re sterile . . . seriously how does restoring the ozone layer make them fertile again?! THATS NOT A THING

Cindee: They don’t just restore the ozone, they do some medical treatments, too

Martha: ‘And we know they’ll be great parents because they kidnapped ours and made a dolphin’

Cindee: I can’t believe you’re not noticing the fact that the show claimed that in the 21st century, there was an infertility epidemic on earth!

Martha: Well to be fair she just said that the ozone layer was failing…

Cindee: And that it caused the infertility!

Martha: Well maybe they thought it was going to… Making us all pale….And photosensitive

Cindee: Star Trek has a nice long history of wildly predicting all sorts of things in the near future. Like, TOS claimed in the 1990s there were be some Eugenics Wars where genetically engineered people were all like “woah we’re superior” and tried to take over and then in DS9, even though that clearly never happened, they still act like it did! Personally, I’m looking forward to 2024, we’re gonna solve inequality then.

Martha: But anyway, Riker has been the most suspicious man ever on all occasions apart from this one time when he needed to be suspicious. And Wesley has a new skill: sleight of hand!

Cindee: well apparently he and his mom have a magic routine they’ve been practicing

Martha: That explains it!

Cindee: Ok, so let’s recap for our reader. We’re all over the place here.

Martha: How dare you

Cindee: Picard summons Riker to the bridge cause in the couple of months he’s known him, he has learned Riker is obsessed with some stupid story. Riker tells the story, and then it becomes real!

Martha: And he’s not suspicious even though he’s always suspicious. Troi is suspicious. But no one cares.

Cindee: Other than the apples in the pilot, when else his Riker been suspicious?

Martha: He was suspicious about the space station

Cindee: That’s the same episode!

Martha: No the one with evil Picard!

Cindee: Oh fine. Anyways, so yes, Troi has some oddly specific read on these people

Martha: INCREDIBLY SPECIFIC!

Cindee: “they want something that we will not want to give them!”

Martha: ALSO! She says she feels hundreds (thousands?) of minds. When they can’t see the planet

Cindee: So?

Martha: There’s 9, Troi.

Cindee: That we see

Martha: He says there are few left. And the fish are dead, Cindee. And the dolphins are all wooden.

Cindee: I don’t think he literally meant a few

Martha: I don’t think 7 children are sufficient to placate thousands of people. Or restart a species.

Cindee: I dunno, Adam and Eve’s sons did it somehow

Martha: Biblical incest

Cindee: Ok, well this will be non-biblical incest

Martha: This episode had no sex. Yet here we are…

Cindee: Well, that’s on you. ANYWAYS, the people beam aboard with a giant cornucopia.

Martha: Much to Crusher’s fury. Crusher is upset they haven’t been decontaminated.

Cindee: They leave on account of the bright lights

Martha: Like gremlins

Cindee: And then beam down Riker, Troi, and Crusher and Picard is like INTERESTING CHOICES. WTF does that mean Picard?

Martha: WOMEN

Cindee: Yeah . . .

MarthaL Clearly they enjoyed Crusher’s cardigan. With her big pockets.

Cindee: It’s a lab coat. She’s a doctor.

Martha: It’s a cardigan

Cindee: Lab coat

Martha: Lab cardigan

Cindee: Meanwhile, on the planet we learn that other species don’t give a shit about their kids

Martha: You take that back! That ginger kid is adored! Wesley gets level 3 clearance to… something and stuff and things! Wooden dolphin! Mind music! And I’m sure the other 3 no one cared about did stuff!

Cindee: No, I mean how Troi is like “humans are unusually attached to their children”

Martha: Oh indeed!! Fucking weird humans.

Cindee: I don’t remember what happened next,  just that later they swipe the kids

Martha: Basically they’re all ‘oh clearly you won’t give them up, whatever’ and nick them

Cindee: And that the custodian predicted Wesley would be the leader

Martha: Well he got that right

Cindee: NO SHIT SHERLOCK HE’S THE OLDEST

Martha: Imagine if little Alexandra was the boss. With her fluffy toy.

Cindee: They’d have never left. They’d all just be playing hide and seek still. So, the kids are bizarrely not that upset and they all get their mind reading art tools.

Martha: Well as Crusher says, they knew what they signed up for. Clearly the children were told that ‘hey, you might get kidnapped.’

Cindee: And the children signed terms of service agreement. But they were like the iTunes agreement, no one read them!

Martha: I promise not to sue star fleet:

A) if we’re kidnapped

B ) if the holodeck kills us

C ) if we are mentally scarred by being forced to do RnR on a sex planet

D) if we trust the wrong Data and get eaten by a crystal entity

E) if a space jellyfish stings us

F) if our hope is crushed by a terrible hug from Picard

Cindee: Yeah, that whole “Picard is afraid of kids” thing is back. This time Riker’s not there to protect him.

Martha: YOU HAD ONE JOB RIKER

Cindee: Then Crusher and Crusher do their magic routine.

Martha: I thought this planet was super advanced. How did she not see that? How didn’t they realise she had tech in her massive lab cardigan pockets?

Cindee: Because Martha, they’re all dumb from being dependent on their computer! They only things they can do are operate mind-reading art tools!

Martha: That was a big missed opportunity plot wise too. They knew nothing about the computer. We know nothing about the computer other than the shield it made affected the ozone layer. And I guess they’re gonna have to switch it off?

Cindee: So they fling the Enterprise away, and meanwhile Wesley fancies himself to be Ghandi

Martha: And does nothing except find the kids

Cindee: Yes and teach them about passive resistance. The Enterprise returns and the old guy asks Picard to make the kids eat

Martha: Like this place is too soft. If you really want the kids fling the enterprise off properly

Cindee: Meanwhile, Riker and Data are sneaking about on a hostile planet, and don’t have their phasers. Riker doesn’t even bring his own tricorder!

Martha: ERM HE HAS NO POCKETS.

Cindee: Data gives up real fast on breaking into the computer and “scrambles” it instead, whatever that means

Martha: Which could have been handy if Wesley could have used his access to save them. But no. No plot for you!

Cindee: True. He tells Picard he understands the computer and Picard is like “that’s nice”

Martha: It ended up very similar to sexy planet, with them just beaming them off. Instead of a god it was a shield

Cindee: There was no speech. Also, they hung around and helped them with their problems, cause humans are better than other species

Martha: Data needs to remember what Picard told him: everything is impossible, until it is not…

Cindee: Do not question a Picardism, Martha

Martha: Well it’s fine if he lived by it himself. It’s only Data who has to solve impossible century old problems on a daily basis

Cindee: like the Picard maneuver?

Martha: Yes It’s impossible to get through this shield! Only cos you haven’t bothered to find a way yet Data!

Cindee: Anyways, in a terrifying ending, Picard has to be hugged by a child. And everyone laughs, which is stupid, but at least not insulting to anyone’s memory.

Martha: Yeah no one actually died!

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Ugly Bags of Mostly Water (AKA Home Soil)

Cindee: Ok so did you watch home soil?

Martha: Half watched. I need to rewatch. I have no idea what went on except I know someone died!!

Cindee: It is so boring

Martha: I probably know most of it from half watching. The sand is alive. They are stealing the saltwater which it liked so it kicks off. They apologise. The end.

Cindee: Correct. The only thing you’re missing is that it has one of the greatest lines from TNG ever.

Martha: Is it. ‘We have a holodeck which you might enjoy!’

Cindee: Well, Riker DOES say that.

Martha: He does!

Cindee: Anyways, the sand calls the humans “ugly bags of mostly water” and the Data agrees it is an accurate description

Martha: Data you’re humanoid!!!

Cindee: He is not a bag though, and he is not mostly water. So anyways, that could be out post.

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Vladamir Putin Interlude (AKA So Long Martha)

Martha:

Cindee: Nope

Martha: It’s HIM! This is why Putin hates America. It all makes sense now

Cindee: It already made sense. How does this make sense?

Martha: They cast him in Angel One. He wanted to be an actor all his life.

Cindee: Pretty sure he wanted to be a KGB agent. Also, Putin doesn’t speak English.

Martha: I’m not sure the actor ever talks…

Cindee: How old would you say that character is?

Martha: I guess I’d say they’re all around early 30s?

Cindee: Putin was 36, which is late 30s

Martha: Damnit. The only flaw in my theory

Cindee: That also would have been a strange time to abandon his post, end of the Cold War and all. According to Wikipedia Putin was undercover in East Germany at the time of this episode

Martha: So… we don’t really know where he was. Nothing more undercover than moonlighting in Star Trek.

Cindee: So why did this episode lead him to hating the U.S. exactly?

Martha: Because it’s shit

Cindee: So therefore decade later, he rigs our election

Martha: Yup

Cindee: Ironclad logic

Martha: It’s all Roddenberry’s fault

Cindee: I don’t think Putin is really into women’s rights

Martha: This episode violates the Geneva human rights convention and Putin hates humans.

Cindee: So . . . Shouldn’t he like the episode then?

Martha: Putin LIKED HUMANS until he was cast in this bullshit. And it CHANGED HIM.

Cindee: The episode convinced him to violate human rights because it did?

Martha: Yes. And move back to Russia. But the message of the episode was don’t violate human rights. And be bare chested.

Cindee: Also, the man was already a KGB officer, I don’t think he was ever a champion of human rights

Martha: No the episode violates my human right not to have seen this episode

Cindee: That guy has played other characters in Star Trek. Do you still claim it is Putin?

Martha: Yeah

Cindee: One of the episodes aired in 2000. What was his motivation then?

Martha: Which franchise?

Cindee: Voyager

Martha: YES. SO! He was drafted in to teach Janeway how to speak Russian in preparation for her role in Orange is the New Black. KABOOM. MIC DROP.

Cindee: Why would Putin help with that?

Martha: He loves women in prison. And he wanted to help with a show about women in prison

Cindee: The show is about how awful the Prison-Industrial-Complex is.

Martha: Putin didn’t know that he was just like “a Russian woman in prison?!” I must make her accent accurate’

Cindee: Why does he need to make her accent accurate? How does that serve his agenda?

Martha: To teach other Russians that America is bad

Cindee: You just claimed he didn’t know the show was about the Prison-Industrial-Complex

Martha: He looks like Putin.

Cindee: So that’s your argument again? In that case, I just want to conclude this conversation by saying it was really nice knowing you.

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Magical Infectious Holodeck Snowball (AKA Angel One)

From Memory Alpha:

An early story meeting about this episode was attended by Patrick Barry, Gene Roddenberry, and Herbert J. Wright. Wright was wary that the concept of a matriarchal society had been too overdone. “So one of the major issues that we didn’t want to do was an Amazon Women kind of thing where the women are six feet tall with steel D cups,” he recalled. “I said, ‘The hit I want to take on this is apartheid, so that the men are treated as though they are blacks of South Africa. Make it political. Sexual overtones, yes, but political.’ Well, that didn’t last very long. Everything that Gene got involved with had to have sex in it. It’s so perverse that it’s hard to believe. The places it was dragged into is absurd. We were talking about how women would react, and Gene was voicing all the right words again, saying, ‘Oh, yes, we’ve got to make sure that women are represented fairly, because, after all, women are probably the superior sex anyway, and it’s real important we don’t get letters from feminists, because we want to be fair and we don’t want to infer that women have to rule by force if they do rule, because men don’t have to rule by force.’ Very sensible stuff. All of a sudden something kicks in and he changes: ‘However, we also don’t want to infer that it would be a better society if women ruled.'” His voice becoming increasingly louder, Roddenberry continued that this was because women were untrustworthy, “vicious creatures,” which he angrily blurted out in a torrent of hateful verbiage. Concluded Wright, “Then he looks out the window, looks at the outline, and says, ‘Okay, on page eight…’ and continues like that didn’t even happen.” (The Fifty-Year Mission: The Next 25 Years, p. 83)

Martha: Jesus this man is insane!

Cindee: Yup

Martha: But yes he failed in literally all of his supposed aims. I mean failed and then doubled down on the fail

Cindee: It’s sad. there are later episodes where they kinda invert things and then make a point about the actual injustice in our culture and do it well. But NOT THIS TIME

Martha: No this was just ridiculous. The way the men were portrayed as very typically feminine and sexualized. As if that’s the only way one sex can be the ‘lower’

Cindee: It’s so ridiculous too because they’re ALWAYS encountering patriarchal societies and judging them but then being like whatevs. But here they’re like noooooo, this is sooooo wroooooong. And my husband was saying that the women on this planet are unusually strong and that’s why they’re in charge?

Martha: Unusually strong and aggressively dominant

Cindee: White people oppress black people, but not because white people are stronger.

Martha: Exactly. And all this ‘let’s not make them Amazonian, let’s just choose shorter men!’

Cindee: And then they’re like “Riker is so tall”?

Martha: If anything I thought Riker came out of this looking… okay?

Cindee: What did Riker do that was so okay?

Martha: He was asked to wear the outfit to meet the mistress. And he did, and he wasn’t a giggling dumbass about it like Troi and Yar. (Yes he then had sex with the lady but… )

Cindee: Well of course he did

Martha: But isn’t the whole point about respecting the cultures they come across. There was a lot of prime directive blathering. It seems the prime directive doesn’t ACTUALLY matter if someone is at risk of death

Cindee: Even though it did in Justice?

Martha: Exactly

Cindee: Well, that was Wesley, the golden child

Martha: It’s literally ‘Prime Directive unless something is happening that we wouldn’t do. So…. what’s the point!

Cindee: pretty much. Like I said, it gets more consistent, though I think it is on the whole dumb. I mean, ok, spoilers:  There are times when a civilization is literally going to get DESTROYED. Like, WIPED OUT. And they’re like “Sorry! Can’t save you! PRIME DIRECTIVE!!!!”

Martha: BUT FOUR GUYS?! Well they didn’t even bother to cast four guys they cast one and the others were just implied guys

Cindee: Guys are expensive

Matha: So in the end Riker does an impassioned speech so they let this guy(s) stay on another species planet where they don’t want them. Success for the Prime Directive! Meanwhile Crusher is furious to realise she didn’t cure the common cold after all

Cindee: Good summary

Martha: Is it implied that the cold came from the holodeck?! Like is the holodeck trying to kill them again?!

Cindee: Oh I forgot that? I was so busy with the damn sexism I forgot about the B plot. That sounds about right, murderous holodeck

Martha: Ok, so here is Wesley and pals off to go play in the snow

Martha: They throw a snowball which hits Picard and Worf, who comment on an unusual smell. And him and Worf are the first two after Wesley and other boy to get the cold

Cindee: Oh is this the one where the snowball somehow doesn’t dematerialize off the holodeck?

Martha:  YES! I didn’t know if that was allowed cos those guys sorta walked off it before briefly

Cindee: So, it’s an infected snowball

Martha: Well it never ever mentioned the holodeck or the snow. They just say it’s airborne through smell. Just implied?

Cindee: Ok then. Infected magical holodeck snowball

Martha: But the holodeck is a death trap. 100%.

Cindee: So, for the sake of our reader and completing sake, will you carry on? On, for the sake of your emotional well being, will you skip on to season 3?

Martha: I must carry on, the prime directive…

Cindee: Also . . .  what if someone else says sense OARS and you miss it?

Martha: They almost certainly will

Cindee: All in all, I think I’m going to have rethink my ratings once we’re done with season 2. I stand by my higher ratings, but the lower ones need some reconsideration

Martha: I saw someone considered angel one the 4th worst

Cindee:  I have it as 165 out of 176. That needs reconsideration

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Shut Up, Wesley! (AKA Datalore)

Martha: Oh this is kinda sad. I’m still watching. I’m just sad.

Cindee: Because?

Martha: Data has found his unassembled brother. I mean he’ll probably end up evil and ruin everything

Cindee: what makes you think that?

Martha: Well I guess cos they’re not gonna go through life with two data’s. So he can’t be nice.

Cindee: Maybe he’s nice but dies

Martha: That’s also sad

Cindee: Oh right

Martha: OMFG. RIKER ASKED IF IT HAD A PENIS.

Cindee leaves Martha and does something more interesting for a while.

Martha: I have many problems with that episode. Let’s double down and watch Angel One

Cindee: Wait you’re watching Angel One already?

Martha: I can pause!

Cindee: So, you were right, Lore is evil

Martha: Yeah, I guess it was to be expected

Cindee: Really his name should have been a dead giveaway. What’s the opposite of fact? Fiction. What’s the opposite of Data? Evil.

Martha: It was sad that Data wanted a brother and he was just mean to him throughout

Cindee: Data has so many damn relatives for a robot though. Like every other episode someone comes along and is like “you might say I’m like your aunt” and then everyone is like YEAH!

Martha: So let me see if I have the story right. Soong created Lore. He was too lifelike. Soong started making Data. Lore called the crystal thing to kill the planet. The farmers took Lore apart and carefully put him away. Soong was happy with this. Soong put data outside with a clock. Because, reasons. Crystal thing turned up and killed people.

Cindee: That is not completely accurate. The problem with Lore wasn’t that he was too lifelike, that’s just what Lore says. The problem was that he was evil!

Martha: Ok, but I still don’t understand who got made when and when did everyone die and how and when

Cindee: No one does really. Data has quite a complicated family for a fucking robot.

Martha: Okay as long as I’m as confused as everyone else

Cindee: I also don’t understand why, in like 2 decades, no one else has gone to this planet to investigate what happened

Martha: The whole episode makes zero sense. Data isn’t interested in the approach to his home world. EVERYONE IS SURPRISED. You guys do realise you have given no shits about where you were going this entire time? You were on the goddamn holodeck last approach Picard!! They bring Lore aboard. They teach him about the ship. They let him have full access to ship files. Crusher scolds data for not trusting his brother. THEN THEYRE ALL ‘I WONDER WHERE DATAS LOYALTIES LIE’ What?! Why do you suddenly not trust the guy you’ve lived with for YEARS but trust the random new one?!

Cindee: Technically, they’ve lived with him for a few months. But ok, It makes zero sense. I thought that the multiple robots and Wesley saving the day would make you happy!

Martha: I did enjoy that but I was frustrated because he was the only one with a half sensible approach!  I don’t think I have anything else to say on Datalore

Cindee: Maybe you should skip to season 3 after all . . .

Martha: I have 16 mins left of Angel One. And fuck me it’s a piece of shit so far

Cindee: Yeah . . .

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The Holodeck is a Death Trap (AKA The Big Goodbye)

Prologue

Martha: Can you die in the holodeck?

Cindee: in theory, no. There are these things called “safety protocols” that are supposed to prevent bad things from happening

Martha: Like bullets don’t do anything, for example

Cindee: In theory

Martha: So, if the safety protocols break the hologram bullets become ACTUAL BULLETS

Cindee: That’s basically the plot of every fucking holodeck episode

Martha: WHO IS IN CHARGE?!

Cindee: Of what?

Martha: Like recently they said, when the ship started failing, that a ship this new couldn’t possibly be failing. So, who is in charge of maintaining the holodeck?!

Cindee: The engineering staff

Martha: Well, if they didn’t switch them out every so often maybe someone could get experience, and do their job properly!

Cindee: I mean, every time it happens, they act surprised. Also, they get fucking locked in the holodeck somehow, obviously

Martha: This is just simple poor maintenance. Also, how is detective noir necessary for space training?

Cindee: The holodeck is for recreation, not training. They go there to unwind, but then something goes terribly wrong, including the damn safety protocols

Martha: How does anyone get locked in anywhere

Cindee: They have some damn contrived reason every time, the reasons vary

Martha: Get Wesley on the case

Cindee: . . .

Post-Episode

Matha: HAHAHAHHA people died

Cindee: My husband will be home soon and we will go out for dinner then . . . so . . . you’ll have to wait to rant

Martha: I LITERALLY CAN’T Is that guy dead? That’s all I need to know for now.

Cindee: The historian?

Martha: Yes

Cindee: Dunno

Martha: Do they never actually come back to him? If not, he’s dead.

Cindee: Well, to be fair, there was never again a need for them to call on the skills of a 20th century earth history expert on a space ship traveling AWAY from earth. So, he could be sitting in his quarters, waiting to be needed again

Martha: Nah he’s dead. And you know what’s worse than not caring when someone dies? Or even laughing at Data when someone dies?  CLAPPING!! CLAPPING WHEN SOMEONE DIES!

Cindee: I don’t remember any clapping

Martha: Crusher clapped! When he got shot she was all claps isn’t the holodeck marvelous. Oh, blood.

Cindee: Well she doesn’t realize the holodeck is a death trap yet

Martha: Just because you like her Cindee, doesn’t mean it’s ok. Also, crying is allowed in the penalty box and apparently sex is allowed on the holodeck. No wonder it keeps malfunctioning

Cindee: You think people having sex on the holodeck is why the safety protocols keep failing?

Martha: Well it can’t help. I mean this time it was an alien ‘probe.’

Cindee: Well they’ve got to contrive some reason for the holodeck to fail every time there’s a holodeck episode. Trust me, there are more ridiculous holodeck episodes. For example, the one where data wears a sombrero. According to Memory Alpha, the historian is alive.

Martha: Is that purely by omission of a eulogy

Cindee: probably just a recognition of Dr. Crusher’s skillz

Martha: Her pulse reading and ‘ignoring him for the rest of the scene’ skills. They also PUNCH A HOLOGRAM dramatically before getting him out of there. There is no urgency!

Cindee: he’s just a historian

Martha: He’s also a massive buzzkill. ‘It’s just a character from a book Picard’

Cindee: At least he’s better than the historian from TOS. They revive some people from cryogenic sleep and the historian falls in love with one of them because HE’S FROM HISTORY.

Martha: Also, this book, the guy keeps asking for an object. Doesn’t the book tell them what it is/where it is?!

Cindee: Tell who?

Martha: Data? Picard? They’ve read the book. Everything else is scenes from the book

Cindee:  It’s BASED on a book. It’s interactive

Martha: Do you not think Picard was a little unprofessional to go jolly on the holodeck when he had an important meeting coming up which clearly had no set time?

Cindee: Yeah its weird to me that they all seem surprised when they arrive at destinations. They’ll set a course and then they’ll be doing something else and get a message “we’re here!!!”

Martha: Surely, it’s someone’s job to know that.

Cindee: We have to talk about this message Picard has to recite, too, though. There are episodes where they go undercover, use the universal translator, and NO ONE noticed that they aren’t actually speaking the native language. Yet here, somehow, they will know of Picard isn’t saying this greeting in their language

Martha: I thought the group sounded like a lot of effort to be honest

Cindee: The aliens?

Martha: Yes

Cindee: Don’t they just say the greeting and then head off somewhere else?

Martha: Yeah that’s it. Best mates for life. But why refuse to be friends because of a slight mispronunciation. Are they really that integral to this space programme?

Cindee: well, you refused to be Picard’s friend on account of how he pronounced sensors

Martha: Because he KNOWS how to say it.

Cindee: Does he? DOES HE?

Martha: Yes! Just like Wesley knows how to fix the holodeck! What I don’t understand is how Wesley’s mistake can cause the real people inside to CEASE TO EXIST. Die? Sure! But I expect mangled corpses on the room

Cindee: wait, wut?

Martha: That what he says! Are we even watching the same show?

Cindee: I told you, I don’t remember it well. I didn’t bother rewatching because it is a holodeck episode, thus I knew the plot: go the holodeck, something goes terribly wrong, oh no the safety protocols are fucking broken again

Martha: Well that’s what he says, and Riker’s all ‘well give it a try’ and all that happens is the doors open. Nothing actually disappears. Also, they come out of the other door so they don’t even see Wesley and pals when they come out

Cindee: Did you just refer to Geordi, Riker, and Wesley as “Wesley and pals”

Martha: There are three other generic engineers. One is probably the new chief. Why is Geordi helping anyway?

Cindee: Geordi is good at engineering

Martha: Isn’t red military and command? And gold is engineering and, navigation? (Even though Geordi seems to do most of that…)

Cindee: Navigation is red for reasons I don’t understand. Gold is engineering and security.

Martha: Of course! Security. How did I forget Yar. Right so let’s take it back a little. We’ve seen Yar use the holodeck, and Riker. So, why do they all gather round to listen to Picard’s ‘tales of the holodeck’? Why doesn’t he show them? Don’t they already KNOW what it does?!

Cindee: The UPGRADES Martha, the UPGRADES

Martha: Also, they talk about AU TO MO BEEEEELS?

Cindee: Automobile is a valid word

Martha: and instead of the many things you could say about cars, pollution, the fuels they use TEENAGERS USE THEM FOR DATING RITUALS. Goddamnit it Data. Not everything is about sex!

Cindee: Dating is not the same as sex!

Martha: American teenagers have sexy car times Cindee. I know this! IVE SEEN MOVIES

Cindee: Well apparently so has Data. Ok, but wait here, why does the word automobile bother you?

Martha: Oh it doesn’t! That’s just how Worf says it. Cos ya know, he’s a Klingon. Has never had any contact with humans ever…

Cindee: How does Worf say it?

Martha: Au… to.. mo… beeeeels? With an inflection in beels

Cindee: Presumably they wanted to show how culture and technology have changes and Worf didn’t have anything else to do, so he got to say it

Martha: Also on new earth Halloween has been cancelled

Cindee: Well it is a stupid holiday

Martha: It’s not big here. It’s about 4000 times bigger in America it seems

Cindee: Star Trek is a utopian view of the future Martha. No crime, no poverty, no Halloween

Martha: So, whilst Picard is having a fun time this very important meeting starts to happen. Wesley is in Data’s seat?! Where’s O’Brien?! Bring back O’Brien. Or dare I say it, another actually qualified member of the crew

Cindee: Well O’Brien might be trying out a different job

Martha: How do you find Crusher on the holodeck?

Cindee: With a tricorder?

Martha: I felt she went a bit ‘silly woman’ all giggly etc, which is at odds with her normal persona

Cindee: Agreed. Perhaps she was trying to be historically consistent

Martha: Oh, ALSO Picard says when describing the holodeck (in his captains logs which make no sense, he’s like ‘I’m on the holodeck to see.’ He has so many logs that are present tense! When is he saying this?! As he’s doing it?

Cindee: Yeah, he never stops doing that. There will be a fucking crisis going on and Picard runs off to make a log

Martha: Well he clearly has no concept of appropriate timing for this. Because he should be using the holodeck on his ‘off’ times! Not as a stress reliever during work hours. Also! I love how he refuses to practice. Which is basically them saying ‘we can’t get him to say this same string of noises twice, make an excuse!’

Cindee: He practices for hours

Martha: Not on screen!

Cindee: Well that’d be a bit boring

Martha: How dare you.

Cindee: We just watch Patrick Stewart say some alien words for an entire episode over and over?

Martha: But yes a lovely light hearted joke at the end, whilst historian is bleeding out in sick bay

Cindee: There’s always a light-hearted joke. Hence my husband and I have our tradition of saying “HA HA HA HA HA HA, people died” at the end of the episode.

Martha: He’s definitely dead.

Cindee: Memory Alpha disagrees

Martha: If I don’t see him again he’s dead.

RIP Historian
Posted on

Headache Pokeballs (AKA The Battle)

Martha had the strange idea to watch The Battle and chat with Cindee at the same time. The result was that everything is out of context and makes no sense. So, Cindee copied and pasted information from Memory Alpha so you know what is going on.

Martha: Ooooh the battle!

Cindee: *waits for it*

Martha: OH FUCK OFF FERENGIS

Cindee: yup, there it is

Dr. Crusher comes to see Picard in his quarters, where he complains of feeling fatigued and having a bad headache. She examines him and can find nothing wrong, but tells him to come to sickbay all the same.

Martha: Crusher has solved headaches. And is surprised that Picard has one.

Cindee: Yeah that seems very funny to me. Like, what is solving them exactly? A headache vaccine? Like maybe they have better painkillers, I’d buy that. But headaches just don’t happen?

Picard returns to the bridge and talks with the Ferengi captain, DaiMon Bok over the Enterprise’s viewscreen.

Martha: Daimon?? That’s not an alien name

Cindee: That is a title, like captain

Martha: Oh the Ferengi don’t mind visual contact a mere 3 episodes later

Cindee: I told you, that first episode is wildly inconsistent

Martha: You spelt SEASON wrong. This Ferengi seems a little nicer than the others. And a bit more chill.

Cindee: Or so he would have you believe

Martha: SPOILERS.

Cindee: spoilers? the title of the episode is “the battle.” WTF do you think is going to happen.

Martha: Wesley battles to have someone listen to him?

Picard goes to sickbay where Crusher examines him again, but fails to find any medical reason for his headaches.

Martha: AS SIMPLE AS A HEADACHE. Crusher is having none of it. Oh the days before they knew the NATURE OF PAIN.

Cindee: Well they’ve mapped the brain now. Once you map something, it can’t hurt anymore

Picard returns to the bridge, where Wesley Crusher arrives and tells Geordi La Forge that when he was boosting the range of the long-range sensors, he detected a ship approaching.

Martha: Ooooh rainbow jumper with a fabulous collar and fitted waist

Cindee: Ok, pause

Martha: Paused

Cindee: You need to buy these:

Martha: But why of all his fabulous jumpers is this the one that’s taken off? Is this his uniform now?

Cindee: I’m so sorry to be the one to break it to you, but, the sweaters are done for. UNPAUSE.

Picard is then hit by another headache, before ordering La Forge to zoom in on the approaching starship. It is the Stargazer, which the Ferengi found adrift, and are now giving to Picard. Bok says it will be a gift, free of charge, which his subordinates don’t like.

Martha: oh no, the headaches back. TROI CANNOT BELIEVE IT.

Cindee: Well of course not!

Martha: This headache is very distracting to poor Picard.

Cindee: Well, if you’d never had one before and got one, wouldn’t you think you were dying or something?

Martha: Oh god Troi felt the headache. A GUILT HEADACHE. NOT A THING. Hmmmm, this seems too good to be true.

Cindee: Them giving them the Stargazer?

Martha: Yes. even his mates don’t buy it…

Cindee: What are you talking about? It makes total sense to find a derelict starship that was responsible for the destruction of someone of your people’s ship and then give it back to the owners

Later in the observation lounge, Picard tells the crew about the battle. He then performed what is now known as the Picard Maneuver: he ordered a jump to high warp, making it appear to the Ferengi for a second that the Stargazer was in two places at once.

Martha: Okay Riker seems happier talking about the Picard Manoeuvre than he did on the sexy planet

Cindee: Picard is his hero. Side note, is that a typo or is that really how you spell maneuver?

Martha: Yes that’s how we spell it. IT’S FRENCH. AS FRENCH AS PICARD

Cindee: So . . . not very French?

Martha: How dare you. HE IZ ZE MOST FRENCH!

Cindee: With his British accent. Anyways, they’re on the Stargazer now?

Martha: They are. Picard left nudey mags in his cabin.

Cindee: How dare you

Martha: And a glowy Pokeball. Oh its a headache bomb.

Cindee: I was wondering what you’d call that thing

The return to the ship and sometime later Data shows Riker a personal log that Picard supposedly recorded, claiming that he attacked the Ferengi vessel without provocation and that the Ferengi ship was under a flag of truce.

Martha: Picard LIED?? Or they’ve messed with the records.

Cindee: but which is it?

Martha: This Pokeball is really messing with poor Picard

Cindee: Ok, so what exactly is a Pokeball?

Martha: You catch Pokemon in it. They shrink the Pokemon down and it lives in there

Cindee: So maybe it is the headache Pokemon in that one

Martha: Psyduck

Cindee: What is a Psyduck?

Cindee: Is that the headache Pokemon?

Martha: A Pokemon, and it gives itself headaches with its psychic power

Cindee: Alright then, so that’s what’s going on

Picard is in his quarters when Crusher arrives. He tells her the headache is worsening, and he is worrying about the battle and whether he did the right thing. Crusher gives him a sedative and puts him to bed.

Martha: Crusher is sticking floppy discs to Picard’s head

Cindee: well she needs to monitor his brain or something

Martha: Why has no one asked Wesley how to fix this headache?

Cindee: Just you wait

In Picard’s ready room, Data is informing Riker that the log is a forgery

Martha: Riker is so rude!

Cindee: How so?

Martha: Data tells him that some ‘checksom’ things don’t match in the logs, so Riker asks him what that means, he started to explain and Riker says, I DONT WANT A COMPUTER SCIENCE LESSON.

Cindee: That’s pretty typical

In sickbay, Dr. Crusher is discussing the headaches with Deanna Troi when Wesley enters. He tells her that he noticed the captain’s brain patterns were exactly the same as low intensity transmissions detected coming from the Ferengi ship.

Martha: Fuck off Wesley (says everyone!) From a quick glance I have solved all this.

Cindee: HE’S MOZART MARTHA

Martha: Dr Crusher is off to take all the credit. Oh Picard’s bloody beamed off the ship again.

Cindee: At least he didn’t beam into a cloud this time. Ok, so did the Daimon explain shit yet?

Martha: Yeah sorta. Picard killed his son

Cindee: right, so, basically a Star Trek II: Wrath of Khan ripoff

Martha: KHAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNN

Cindee: Yes. Kirk was indirectly responsible for the death of Khan’s wife.

Martha: I’ve only seen the Hot Spock version

Cindee: Well obviously this is not a rip-off of that one, as it didn’t exist yet

Riker realizes that he is going to use the Picard Maneuver, so he orders Data to come up with a suitable defense.

Martha: There is no defense against the Picard Manoeuvre

Cindee: Riker: “think of one anyways” Data: “oh ok, sure”

Kazago hails, and tells Riker that Bok has been removed from command for his part in this “unprofitable venture”.

Martha: Engaging in an unprofitable adventure

Cindee: I told you, Republicans. What I don’t get is, why do the Ferengi forbid the Pokeballs? They seem like they’d be pretty profitable.

Martha: Okay so that’s a win for Wesley. Oh and they gave up on inertia. Who didn’t listen in tractor beam conservation lecture after all!

Cindee: Also, they are towing that thing as sunlight speed. So its gonna take them centuries to get anywhere with it.

Martha: It’s so worth it though, for the nudey mags.

Cindee: I will not sit idly by while you insult Picard like that!

Posted on

P for Picard (AKA Lonely Among Us)

Martha: P FOR PICARD!

Cindee: (no response)

Martha: OMG why are you not there?! I need to get this out quickly. I don’t have Troi to hypnotise me to remember all the things I have forgotten!

Cindee: Hahahahahaha. Ok, so, first thoughts?

Martha: My first overarching thought is ‘this made absolutely zero sense’

Cindee: Ok, true. But that’s your main objection here?

Martha: I mean I suppose as a ‘woke’ millennial (I’m too old to be a millennial) I should be most upset at them condescending and belittling the two random cultures they brought aboard

Cindee: Ok, first of all, you are so a millennial

Martha: IF YOU WANT ME TO SAY IM UPSET WITH SHERLOCK DATA I WONT

Cindee: Second of all, my main objection to Data and his pipe is not the pipe itself, but the fact that A MAN JUST DIED and everyone is all like “hahaha, who cares, Data is funny”

Martha: Oh god yes they barely touch on that

Cindee: THEY NEVER DO. At least usually they wait till the end of the episode for their light-hearted moment though

Martha: But it does explain why in two episodes both the chief engineer and the assistant chief engineer have changed since Naked Now. They’re just dying left right and centre!

Cindee: As much as I’d love to say it’s cause they’re racist, they never give a shit when anyone dies. My husband and I even have a running joke where at the end of the episode where they have their little light-hearted moment we both go “HA HA HA HA HA . . . people died”

Martha: I think he’s the first death. Well, that also extends to their alien counterparts. Yar rushes in to say ‘there’s blood everywhere and we can’t find a passenger’

Cindee: Yeah, I know right?

Martha: And Riker is all ‘CANT THIS WAIT ONE MINUTE PICARD IS BACK!!’

Cindee: They just find out that one of the aliens dying and about to be EATEN and they’re all like WHATEVER. They make this huge deal about how they’re all vegetarians, but oh well, that sentient being is gonna be eaten.

Martha: But Picard is back!!!! You’re just not seeing the bigger picture here Yar!

Cindee: Right, cause his physical form was saved in the pattern buffer. CAUSE THAT’S A THING.

Martha: None of it made any sense. Him beaming out into space. That being fine.

Cindee: And being one with a cloud

Martha: Him writing a P on LaForge’s terminal

Cindee: That’s the part that made the MOST sense

Martha: Him being able to ‘get into the ships circuits’

Cindee: Ok, but let’s rewind here

MarthaL Yeah there’s so much I have no order to my thoughts.

CindeeDid you not notice the part where Troi and Crusher talk to Worf about the memory loss he had, and he says he doesn’t remember having any memory loss?

Martha: Yes! And Troi hypnotises then and says ‘remember back to when you first remember having the feeling of having memory loss’

Cindee: With her fancy device

Martha: REMEMBER WHEN YOU FORGOT? Tell me about that!

Cindee: In the future, hypnosis is a legit thing, cause they perfected the technology.

Martha: Troi was the worst. I bought her ‘duality of man’ argument at first, why she didn’t report her feelings.

Cindee: you DID?

Martha: BUT THEN IMMEDIATELY AFTER IT HAPPENS TO PICARD. And she says NOTHING

Cindee: She kinda gets a look on her face

Martha: A super helpful look. A look of ‘I should probably say something…. but… nah’ But, shout out to Worf’s electrocution acting

Cindee: Ok, so, speaking of which, he was in sensor control and Picard said sensors again

Martha: I didn’t have a problem with any pronunciation of sensors this time. It’s different…

Cindee: I see. Maybe earlier Patrick Stewart had legit never said the word before, and then everyone but Marina Sirtis was like “whatevs, prolly how British people said it” and then Sirtis eventually got around to telling him

Martha: She’s the only sensor they need

Cindee: You do know she’s British, right?

Martha: I did not!

Cindee: She made up some “other” accent that was supposed to be “alien”

Martha: Wesley has the same jumper on as last episode which is upsetting

Cindee: I’m sorry to tell you eventually he just wears the same shirt every day. What did you think of Dr. Crusher’s medical headgear?

Martha: Absolutely perfect! I see medical technology has improved so much

Cindee: To my knowledge, it is the only time she wears that contraption.

Martha: Well are they ever faced with an electrocution again? It seems highly specific

Cindee: Oh, which reminds me, back to our poor friend the assistant chief engineer, I like how no attempt is made to revive him

Martha: No he’s definitely dead

Cindee: Even now we’ve got CPR for that situation

MarthaL Unlike that alien that got poisoned who was dead and Crusher fixes her. And the traveler who she revived despite him being an utter unknown. This guy is definitely dead.

Cindee: Yeah they’re super inconsistent on when they try to revive someone and when they’re just like “nope, dead”

Martha: He was introduced simply to be killed off. He’s a red shirt! (I know that!) Oh also, in the pilot there was a curly haired guy who was on the bridge. He hasn’t been in it for a few episodes, now he’s relegated to ‘alien corridor escort’

Cindee: Oh you mean O’Brien?

Martha: I believe he had an Irish/Scottish accent so, almost certainly yes.

Cindee: Yeah, O’Brien is around for a while, but really struggles with what job he wants apparently. Also, his rank mysteriously changes several times

Martha: Well he’s done a terrible job at escorting the aliens through corridors, because ones being eaten as we speak

Cindee: yeah, well I think that was his only stint as alien escort man

Martha: Okay I’m trying to think of if there’s anything else. Oh! Wesley didn’t save the day but he would have were he given the chance!!!

Cindee: He would have? Oh right, the assistant chief engineer is like “go to class, captain’s orders!”

Martha: And how was he punished? DEATH. Are we certain Wesley didn’t do it?

Cindee: Good point. His revenge for being sent to class?

Martha: This is much darker than anticipated